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humoR Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve Find local live standup comedy events at (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer). asheville disclaimer The Most Beloved Page in All the Land Briefs All WNC candidates finish a predictable, distant second to off-year ennui Asheville plans water outage for Montford community to make needed repairs, show those mothers who the damned boss is Giant Christmas tree arrives at Biltmore Estate Ma Biltmore has Pa Biltmore moving giant couches around to find the perfect place to put it Southern Highland Craft Guild still recovering from government shutdown Also still recovering from invention of Tupperware, vacuum cleaners and La-Z-Boy recliners Sarah Palin, Donald Trump attend Rev. Billy Graham’s birthday celebration Palin, Trump invited because they exemplify Christ’s humble spirit, as well as Christ’s fondness for reality TV antics Duke/Progress Energy merger to be re-evaluated, despite reassurances of fairness from CEO Reemy McGougenscrew III Wal-Mart’s foray into Indian marketplace ends in failure; company’s stock currently rated ‘untouchable’ Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve 28 noVEmBER 13 - noVEmBER 19, 2013 Chamber CEO Cramer and Lewis: We never publicly discuss personnel issues, except for right now ASHEVILLE, MONDAY — Following a nasty blowup at the Asheville Chamber of Commerce, CEO Kit Cramer and outgoing director of entrepreneurship Pam Lewis have taken a refreshing stance on discussing personnel issues. “It’s not our policy to discuss personnel matters, unless there’s been a personal feud at the Chamber of Commerce,” said Cramer. Lewis, widely respected in the community, was fired in September by Cramer for matters seemingly unrelated to job performance. Lewis claims this stems from a misunderstanding about a photo posted on Facebook, as well as allegations of sexual harassment Lewis allegedly made against a coworker. Lewis said she’d rather move on, when she’s done discussing this, and Cramer said she can’t discuss internal matters, sometimes. “We don’t traditionally discuss matters related to job termination of an employee,” said Cramer, “except when Pam Lewis’ friends post photos of her in a bathing suit from the neck up or when she should apologize to the man she said harassed her or when she makes me look bad.” Cramer and Lewis added they can’t discuss severance negotiations unless doing so over coffee and on the record. Your roommate: “I cleaned up the mold last week; do you mind hitting that new mold when you get a chance?” include • 9th-inning runs scored by visiting teams at McCormick Stadium now reported as “larcenies.” An assistant to Kit Cramer prepares the exit interview for Pam Lewis. What’s are the duties of the Director of Entrepreneurship? • Uptick in shoplifting reflected in uptick in local Google searches for “How to cook warm steak hidden in pants.” • City-wide Tai Chi self-defense initiative has been a giant failure. • Connect dog-biscuit bakers with people who have too much money • Encourage basement home brewers to tell their cohabitating significant others to shut the hell up and expand the basement into a full-scale brewery • Remind people that their passions can turn into 90-hour-a-week jobs as soon as they accumulate enough debt upfront • Make self scarce when “Going Out of Business Sale” sign goes up Here are some resources for dealing with tenant issues, including mold: Your previous landlord: Explain to them you are no longer upset about losing your security deposit and would like to make amends by moving back in and trying it one more time. • The result is the way criminal complaints are reported — it now includes police calls that police do not respond to at all. • Property crimes now subcategory “hotel blight.” Resources for tenants with mold Your mom or sister: Call them immediately. After venting your frustrations, you will find you are less upset about these issues. They know what to say to you. Crime in Asheville is up 21%...why? Asheville Mushroom Club: Turn your mold and fungus problem into a fun way to make new skeptical friends! Visitors: “I’m growing this extremely valuable mold that sells for $1,000 a pound. I can’t believe how easy it is to sell this stuff! I’ve got to run to the store to get a notebook so I can keep track of how much valuable mold I have around this place — can you believe I haven’t kept track of my inventory? I don’t need to buy trash bags, brillo pads, or scrapers though — I’ve got more than enough beneath my sink. See you in a few hours!” Aquarius: Open a free checking account today Capricorn: Is it hard to meet you? Pisces: Re: broken vehicle fix Scorpio: Your account requires immediate attention Saggitarius: Action needed! Leo: I don’t know why yet but I’m sure it will be excellent Libra: What do you think about unscheduled meetings? Cancer: Follow your instincts Gemini: New people always bring some new stories Aries: Some days we got to do what we want Taurus: You don’t know it yet but amazing girl is writing u Virgo: All about studs

Mountain Xpress 11.13.13

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