Asheville Disclaimer by Tom Scheve
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tomscheve@gmail.com
Find local live standup comedy events at www.DisclaimerComedy.com (and you should follow us on Twitter at @AVLdisclaimer).
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Buncombe County Commissioners recently sought to find a better balance between environmental protection and private property rights, unanimously approving an update to their land use plan.
Local brewery, coffee roaster team up to produce delicious, intoxicating super-laxative UNCA offers free student entry to screening of “Harold and Maude” if accompanied by old local woman House votes to end food stamps for 3.8 million Wants to serve with side dish of unaffordable health care New information identifies cause of death for ‘Into the Wild’ subject Chris McCandless After ingesting toxic wild potato seeds, he was crushed by vengeful invisible hand of marketplace for rejecting capitalism Asheville Disclaimer is parody/satire Contact: tomscheve@gmail.com
Twitter: @AVLdisclaimer Contributing this week: Joe Shelton, Tom Scheve
Down in the Dish Pit A weekly etiquette column that helps improve your relationship with your friendly dishwashing coworker Today’s tip: When discussing outside-of-work social plans with other coworkers, be mindful of the dishwasher’s feelings. Don’t discuss those plans in front of the dishwasher. If discussing a social gathering of coworkers, be it one that’s already transpired or one that is still in the planning stages, immediately stop in the most awkward way possible if the dishwasher comes within earshot. 52
SEPtEmBER 25 - octoBER 1, 2013
Updates to Buncombe County land use plan
• Landowners can chase tree-hugging do-gooders, but only to 50 feet past their property line.
is encouraged in the “Separated, We Rise” clause.
• Clarifying requirements for “intentional community models” such as requiring any nine people living beneath the same roof to have no more than Areas on map highlighted in 30 part-time jobs beyellow (property owned by • Affordable housing out-of-state landowners) will no tween them. Addishall be made avail- longer be acceptable areas to tionally, a 5:1 ratio of ransack 9 months a year. able to all land-use dogs to couchsurfers planners as a useful phrase to describe is recommended. something that does not and will not • Adjusting policies to be in better exist in this county. alignment with requirements of the • The county shall allow more flexibility in determining the appropriate Americans with Disabilities Act (aka height of new buildings depending on the High-rise Wheelchair Zipline Act). how high a developer wants to build • Allowing for collocation of wireless that building. telecommunication antennas at existing • The county shall allow more flexibility when it comes to setbacks in new sites with the goal of minimizing the residential development, such as stuffy construction of new communications loan officers who can’t see a potential towers in nicer neighborhoods. buyer’s vision for an adorable Mont• Developing a Resort/Conference ford shed-bungalow. • Snuffing mobile home parks, but al- Center Zoning District to encompass lowing single manufactured homes the entirety of Buncombe County. • The county hereby makes an effort to environmentally preserve land so that it can be offered in its pristine condition to future generations/ recruited corporations.
Communication Breakdown
A shortage in APD’s communications staff has resulted in a communications breakdown during emergency calls. Part of that is due to an improvised shorthand that communications officers have developed while transmitting information to officers in the field: YOLO: High-speed pursuit or attractive citizen waiting at bus stop B&E: Breaking & Entering, or Banjos & Enmity (assault on busker) Man down: Civilian has been injured, or officer has exited Denny’s without paying their share of tab Perp: Suspect, or small barking dog 10-36: Vehicle is not reported stolen; driver has impressive cleavage DIP: Didgeridoo in public
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10-10: Possible crime and/or officer smoke break 10-20: Burglary in progress, or remind me to tell you funny burglary story DWS: Dancing With Stars rerun SO: Sheriff’s Office/Federal prison holding former Sheriff Bobby Medford Copy: Affirmative, What he said, or “do the last thing you did one more time to kill some time” DOA: Cold pizza delivery
Asheville campaign calendar When: Wednesday Where: Your phone, hourly What: Robo-calls from candidate When: Wednesday Where: Magnolia’s What: Candidate telling the Council of Independent Business Owners exactly what they want to hear When: Thursday Where: Top-floor elevator lobby window of BB&T building What: Candidate gazing out window at city below, muttering, “Mine, it’s all mine.” When: Friday Where: Kitchen sink What: Candidate staring at running tap-water while crippled with despair, suddenly considering how awful it will be to deal with the water issue, and any issue When: Saturday Where: Candidate’s child’s T-ball game What: Campaign manager taking photos of candidate posing at child’s T-ball game and ignoring child’s home run When: Saturday Where: Candidate’s head What: Imagined victory speech When: Saturday Where: Candidate’s head What: Imagined concession speech When: Saturday Where: Candidate’s head What: Imagined turnout at own funeral When: Sunday Where: House of Worship What: Campaign manager taking pictures of candidate at house of worship making sizable donation to offering plate When: Monday Where: Candidate’s bedroom What: Shaking fist at God following discussion of poll numbers with campaign manager When: Tuesday Where: Your phone, every half-hour What: Robo-calls from candidate