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THE PAPER Millsaps College VOLUME XXX, NO.2320 JACKSON, MISISIPPY (REMEMBER, REMEMBER) 5TH OF NOVEMBER Ertz N Lyfe *POP* Who you gonna call? ! Future Husbands Student bursts bubble! By Meat Head Troll Star This past Saturday during the Major Sadness concert, a mystery student popped the Millsaps bubble. The student propped an absurdly long ladder against the bell tower and then climbed past the tower’s pinnacle to pop the bubble. The unknown student was last seen wearing a Major Millsaps mascot costume and carrying an exceptionally large straw from the Kava House. President Peargreen immediately issued a Code Purple, Millsaps bubble emergency status, and called in Con Johnway and his very special forces Does anyone actually read these? Jorts to capture the student who popped the bubble. “This is a worst case scenario emergency. Any indication of the outside world could distract Millsaps students from their studies, and they could possibly…want…to leave…” President Peargreen says somewhat hesitantly. The student has not been identified, but Johnway says, “In addition to fraternity house searches, Millsaps security will be entering every dorm room to patrol for excessive drinking. Anyone found playing beer pong or drinking alcohol too swiftly will be considered a suspect of this crime.” The popped bubble has caused strife among the Millsaps faculty and staff, but the popping proves to be an eye opener for Millsaps students. “After the concert, I went outside of the Hang Me Dome and saw the sky for the first time since we were released for spring break…” says a freshman, “at first I couldn’t recall what that big glowing ball was, but then finally I remembered it was the moon.” Students were shocked to discover that there are other restaurants in Jackson besides Rubens and movies besides the ones featured on Millsaps channel 18. Those students who actually read the Purple and White were amazed by the amount of outside news and Prohibition pong Look inside for your free sexy dorm decor!!! By Opossum Emperor Trashcan Sifter ■ Inside ■ Knowledge for your pleaasure. During early February, news of an armed robbery flooded the Millsaps community. Rumors began surfacing immediately. Hearsay reported everything from there being a gun battle being a hoax to a hostage situation involving several Millcats. Several Purple and White staff members grabbed their voice recorders and hit campus—to get the truth. Shortly after the crime happened, security sent out a urgent campus wide email demanding students lock their doors and be scared. During the following hour, maintenance officials appeared on the Southside of campus with wrenches holstered in their tool belts like oily sabers. The righteous protectorate of repairmen descended on all the living quarters to double check the locking capabilities on hundreds of doors. A sense of normalcy returns over the next couple months, as students sit snuggly behind magnetically locking metal doors, but another robbery scheme swirls around the Millsaps bowl like a witch’s brew. A P&W investigator claims that this theft and its perpetrators are operating so guilefully they were able to make off with a game many students center their lives around—beer pong. In order to protect the population from further armed robberies, Millsaps security began a campaign of martial law. The objective of their campaign is to eliminate the practice of beer pong and the proliferation of materials newspapers, while students who do not read the Purple and White remained blissfully ignorant. The bubble’s liquid force-field form remains in puddles on the Millsaps campus. Students are advised to not step in the puddles in order to avoid changing colors. Dean Kitty Katz claims, “Well, we constructed the bubble so that it transmits extreme school pride inside the Millsaps atmosphere and keeps, well, everything else out. If a student touches the bubble or its remaining liquid puddles, he or she will surely turn purple.” After asking President Pearigen if there will be another bubble POP continued on pg. 9. needed for the game. Amid the climate of martial law, sides began to be drawn: on one side security patrols with flashlights and nightsticks, and Pongers on the other with water filled Solo cups and a hidden stash of cheap beer to drink when security’s eyes are not watching. Fraternity home invasion has become a routine occurrence. Security’s martial law is turning into a civil war. Ponger lookouts wearing Secret-Servicestyle earphones post in strategic positions and radio back to resistance squads when a security raid seems eminent. Rebel leaders initiate guerilla Pong continued on pg. 9.

29 March 2012

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