29 March 2012
The Sap's mostest serious issue
THE PAPER Millsaps College VOLUME XXX, NO.2320 JACKSON, MISISIPPY (REMEMBER, REMEMBER) 5TH OF NOVEMBER Ertz N Lyfe *POP* Who you gonna call? ! Future Husbands Student bursts bubble! By Meat Head Troll Star This past Saturday during the Major Sadness concert, a mystery student popped the Millsaps bubble. The student propped an absurdly long ladder against the bell tower and then climbed past the tower’s pinnacle to pop the bubble. The unknown student was last seen wearing a Major Millsaps mascot costume and carrying an exceptionally large straw from the Kava House. President Peargreen immediately issued a Code Purple, Millsaps bubble emergency status, and called in Con Johnway and his very special forces Does anyone actually read these? Jorts to capture the student who popped the bubble. “This is a worst case scenario emergency. Any indication of the outside world could distract Millsaps students from their studies, and they could possibly…want…to leave…” President Peargreen says somewhat hesitantly. The student has not been identified, but Johnway says, “In addition to fraternity house searches, Millsaps security will be entering every dorm room to patrol for excessive drinking. Anyone found playing beer pong or drinking alcohol too swiftly will be considered a suspect of this crime.” The popped bubble has caused strife among the Millsaps faculty and staff, but the popping proves to be an eye opener for Millsaps students. “After the concert, I went outside of the Hang Me Dome and saw the sky for the first time since we were released for spring break…” says a freshman, “at first I couldn’t recall what that big glowing ball was, but then finally I remembered it was the moon.” Students were shocked to discover that there are other restaurants in Jackson besides Rubens and movies besides the ones featured on Millsaps channel 18. Those students who actually read the Purple and White were amazed by the amount of outside news and Prohibition pong Look inside for your free sexy dorm decor!!! By Opossum Emperor Trashcan Sifter ■ Inside ■ Knowledge for your pleaasure. During early February, news of an armed robbery flooded the Millsaps community. Rumors began surfacing immediately. Hearsay reported everything from there being a gun battle being a hoax to a hostage situation involving several Millcats. Several Purple and White staff members grabbed their voice recorders and hit campus—to get the truth. Shortly after the crime happened, security sent out a urgent campus wide email demanding students lock their doors and be scared. During the following hour, maintenance officials appeared on the Southside of campus with wrenches holstered in their tool belts like oily sabers. The righteous protectorate of repairmen descended on all the living quarters to double check the locking capabilities on hundreds of doors. A sense of normalcy returns over the next couple months, as students sit snuggly behind magnetically locking metal doors, but another robbery scheme swirls around the Millsaps bowl like a witch’s brew. A P&W investigator claims that this theft and its perpetrators are operating so guilefully they were able to make off with a game many students center their lives around—beer pong. In order to protect the population from further armed robberies, Millsaps security began a campaign of martial law. The objective of their campaign is to eliminate the practice of beer pong and the proliferation of materials newspapers, while students who do not read the Purple and White remained blissfully ignorant. The bubble’s liquid force-field form remains in puddles on the Millsaps campus. Students are advised to not step in the puddles in order to avoid changing colors. Dean Kitty Katz claims, “Well, we constructed the bubble so that it transmits extreme school pride inside the Millsaps atmosphere and keeps, well, everything else out. If a student touches the bubble or its remaining liquid puddles, he or she will surely turn purple.” After asking President Pearigen if there will be another bubble POP continued on pg. 9. needed for the game. Amid the climate of martial law, sides began to be drawn: on one side security patrols with flashlights and nightsticks, and Pongers on the other with water filled Solo cups and a hidden stash of cheap beer to drink when security’s eyes are not watching. Fraternity home invasion has become a routine occurrence. Security’s martial law is turning into a civil war. Ponger lookouts wearing Secret-Servicestyle earphones post in strategic positions and radio back to resistance squads when a security raid seems eminent. Rebel leaders initiate guerilla Pong continued on pg. 9. O VERWORKED , U NDERPAID 2 Contact Diabeetus, firstname.lastname@example.org MEOWSAPS By Diabeetus Cat Good afternoon students of Meowsaps. I come to you, heart in paws, asking for your undivided attention concerning a meowjor problem here on campus. My feline friends and I are concerned with the lack of proper cat accessibility here on meow campus. Yes, we may be cute and fun to play with, but we, too, are here to learn, and the meow lack of sensitivity towards our limited physicality is making that difficult. I may be young in spirit, there is no denying the meowache I get in my joints the days after my spin class. While I enjoy the beautiful hill country of Meowsaps, the entire campus is meow blanketed with stairs, which come to be a nuisance for my short legs. The buildings that do have elevators present no call button at my level, which I find to be excruciatingly offensive. Meowsaps is aware of our adorable presence on campus but they continue to ignore our struggles. The stairs are not my only concern. I have the most difficult time finding food here on campus. When I strut into the Caf ’, I am either brushed out with a broom or swept up into some sorority girl’s arms and fawned over. But, I just want meow to be able to eat in the caf ’ like the rest of the students. The Caf ’ workers can almost never hear when I order at the Grille so I am constantly forced to munch on the cereal dropped by passing students. Then there are the limited kinds of books I can reach in the meow library. Let me tell you from experience that the dewy decimal system was specifically designed to put the worst possible books on the lower shelves. No one wants to meow help Dear Fishyu: solid advice Dear Fishyu, I have recently developed a jonesing for something more than what the Caf ’ can offer me, but I don’t have the extra money to spend eating out at restaurants. What can I do? Seriously Upset ? Dear Seriously Upset, For starters, you can toss away that negativity and take a look on the bright side. The P&W is here to help! The term “shameless self promotion” may come to mind as I enlighten you, but don’t let that deter you from reaching a delicious meal. The P&W is chock-full of ways to solve every first world problem you may have. Caf ’ Creations feature creative and easy-to-follow recipes specially prepared by fellow Millsapians. These recipes truly exemplify the Millsaps experience; they are a testament to the fact that, given just the right amount of desperation and cornering, a Millsaps student can whip out one hell of a good product. Another multi-beneficial tip I can give to you is to choose a neighboring Caf ’ eater who you truly have no actual relationship with, and shadow them as they move throughout their food selection process. Get as close as possible, and order the same thing they do! Don’t worry. They won’t be alarmed like you might think. Studies show that people actually enjoy being followed and find it flattering*. One may even go so far as to say they might be really impressed with your bold lifestyle and think you are really neat! And always remember, YOLO. Dear Fishyu, The straws in the Caf ’ and Kava are too long. What’s up with that? How can I emotionally cope with something like this that ruins my day, and on occasion, tears my gums? ? Distressed about Dental Care Dear Distressed, The only known cure is more cowbell. **There is no actual basis for this claim For your pleasure: word search me get books either; they are all too concerned with touching my head. Do I pet your hair when you’re meow trying to work? I bombed my core 3 class on account of that wacked system. I just want to be accepted as any other student. I want to be able to meow walk through the door without it shutting on my tail, I want to be able to go to class without my professors meowing at me and I want people to stop meow laughing while I try to catch that wretched red dot. I hope I have appealed to your soft side, Meowsaps. You might see me rolling in the grass and basking in the warm sunlight meow, but know that on the inside I am just a frightened kitten trying Peeta continued from pg. 6 terrain and climate that they are familiar with.” Crane was then asked if he was suggesting that the Arena might consist of a climate much colder than what most of the student body is used to. “I’m afraid I’ve already said too much,” Crane laughed. However Crane was able to disclose that there are already several Arena designs and the final design will not be chosen until days before the tournament occurs. He says, “Each design is being held in an entirely separate location in case one of the designs is compromised before the tournament even though I have made sure each one already has the strongest security available.” The arena could consist of a setting as inviting as a tropical forest or a beach or as unpleasant as a desert or a tundra. This is where players and audience members alike will see a slight deviation from previous Tribute Tournaments. “For all of the other Tribute Tournaments I have organized the setting and terrain has remained constant but for the Millsaps tournament I wanted to incorporate something to ensure that the action never really stopped so for this Tribute Tournament the terrain and climate can change at any time without warning,” Crane reveals. Compared to other tribute events Crane has organized Millsaps has a fraction of the players that typically compete. “Traditionally, there are twenty-four competitors in these tournaments,” Crane confirms. He went on to say that, “Given that there are relatively few players they will each begin the tournament in a different location on the edges of the Arena then race toward the Cornucopia full of food, weapons and other resources. Otherwise, if the eight tributes all began surrounding the Cornucopia then we could lose half of our participants within the first five minutes of gameplay. Where would be the fun in that?” T HE & P APER Daytime wrapper... Major Enthusiast... K-Doggz Hott Lana This Could Be You... Brown Girl #1 Layout Babes... Catherine Pereira Brown Girl #2 Stalker... Diabeetus Q.T... Brown Girl #1 Scrillz Manager.. Juan Fernandez Trashcan Sifter... Opossum Emperor Cat Wrangler... Diabeetus Erts n Lyfe Editor... MURPURR Inefficiency at its finest... Annuh Nashuns Jorts Extraordinaire... Freshyfifteen Postachild Advisor... Woody Woodrick (No, that’s really his name) Minions... Emmer-Jay Contraband... Meat Head i-Krizten Derp Morgan Bares Carrot Top E-mail corrections to Editor-inChief Kenya Strong-Johnston, email@example.com. The Purple & White is published weekly. Disclaimer: Views expressed in articles, letters to the Editor and cartoons printed in the Purple & White do not necessarily reflect those of the editors, Publications Board, Millsaps College, The United Methodist Church or the student body. Complaints should be addressed to the Millsaps College Publications Board. Contact Laura Domingue or Dr. Pat Taylor. This is the April Fool’s issue of the P&W. Content included in this issue is not factual and should be taken lightly. Advertising rates available upon request. E-mail Juan Fernandez at firstname.lastname@example.org. This publication may not be reproduced in whole or in part without written permission of the Editorin-Chief. Letters to the Editor Submit letters to the editor to the Purple and White at Box 15070 or e-mail Kenya Strong-Johnston, at email@example.com. Letters should be turned in before 12 p.m. on Sunday prior to the Thursday publication. Anonymous letters will not be published. 3 E RTZ Contact MurrPurr, firstname.lastname@example.org N L YFE Horror scopes with iKristenz By iKristenz Contraband Aries March 21- April 19 Happy birthday, you head banging psycho! You are entitled to everything ever. Taurus April 20 - May 20 As a Taurus, you are notoriously lazy…. Stop calling Reuben’s at 1:25, and no, they still don’t deliver. Gemini May 21- June 20 This month, work on making your alter ego a little edgier. The @ Millsapsproblem twitter page is getting dull. Cancer June 21 - July 22 Channel your neurotic spaciness by following where it leads… (Yes, the Christian Center ghost really does know your name.) Scorpio Oct 23 - Nov 21 April Fools day was made for you, Scorpio. Go find a black Milcat and use your meownipulative powers for evil. Leo July 23- August 22 We know you require inordinate amounts of affection and attention, BUT STOP LOOKING FOR IT IN THE LIBRARY! Virgo August 23 - September 22 Your perfectionist tendencies will skyrocket around the 12th and carry you into finals. You will clean out your closet, systematize your binders and notebooks, organize your iTunes library, find the perfect profile picture, delete all those pre-med and study abroad emails…. and still start your papers the night before they’re due. Libra Sept 23 - Oct 22 As an insecure people pleaser you may put yourself in compromising situations. Get a room in the new dorms for next semester and try being a recluse. Sagittarius Nov 22- Dec 21 Don’t worry, your spring break hangover will go away soon. Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19 You are either studying for comps, feeling smug about doing well on comps, or eavesdropping on seniors talking about comps and making notes in your planner. Thanks for making the rest of us feel normal. In search of coonz By MurrPurr Ed. The recent influx of raccoon families surfacing around the north side of campus has become a serious problem. A growing number of students, frustrated with the situation, have attempted to take the matter into their own hands. “I got sick of getting my Kava sack stolen, so I lured the little guys off campus by tempting them with my delicious tuna salad,” says freshman Earnest C. Calhoun. Unfortunately, the raccoons have returned frightening the masses. Raccoon hunting and trapping has long been a favorite past time for many Mississippians but few know the techniques it takes for a successful hunt. The Millsaps Community Enrichment Series has honed in on the growing popularity of this hobby by creating a specially designed course solely dedicated to raccoon hunting and trapping. The course, “Fierce Hunting and Delicious Cuisine,” will be taught by Jim Bob Jones. Jones graduated from Belhaven University with a B.S. in raccoon hunting. “I’m really excited about helping out my community by teaching the ethics of coon hunting and how to prepare the delicate cuisine of raccoons” Jones says. Jones explained that there will be two separate courses: one specifically designed for humane trapping and release and the other for killing and cooking. The trapping course use a large cage with food from Kava to tempt the raccoons. The hunting and cooking course will teach students how to properly sneak up on the raccoons while hunting and then how to prepare a delicious raccoon-based dish. “In the future, I would like to offer my delicious raccoon dishes for the cafeteria to serve,” expresses Jones. Information about the groundbreaking course has spread throughout the South. The popular channel, Raccoon Public Broadcasting, has already begun filming a documentary about the course and Jim Bob Jones’ work that is set to premiere Jan 2013. As a general consensus, students are relieved that the situation is being handled. “I’m just happy to know that I won’t have to fear a vicious attack while walking back to my dorm” junior Angel-B aby face Jackson says. The course will be offered May 1 and May 2 from 8-11 p.m with a fee of $45. Students are encouraged to wear their best hunting gear. For more information contact Jim Bob Jones at LuV2GeTcoOnZ@ By Carrot Top Dear Millsaps, Aquarius Jan 20- Feb 18 Statistics have shown that aliens kidnap Aquarians more often than any other sign. Avoid the bell tower at all costs this month, and use caution when meeting “prospective students.” However, if you avoid abduction, remember: When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars. Then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. It will be the dawning of your age. Pisces Feb 19- March 20 As a Pisces, you are highly emotional and intuitive, but equally erratic and illogical. You may find yourself bursting into tears in the Grille line this month, especially on Fridays. Fashion There are so many beautiful fashion fads out there that aren’t being capitalized on and all I can say is that I am disappointed in my campus. Ladies and gentleman, I am here to answer the silent cry of desperation I see in my peers’ eyes for a leader to sweep them up from their boring cycle of floral scarves and highwaisted shorts. I am here to help. First and foremost: that hair. Men, have you misplaced your gel? All that hair swooping across your forehead is crying out to be gelled into the upright in poking position. Ladies, where have your microscopic clips gone? Everyone respects what a quick cornrow can do on a woman – spending an hour on painfully twirling your hair looks professional! Come ON y’all. Now onto accessories. Gentleman, please get yourselves an ascot. Where are the classy days of Freddie from Scooby Doo? Now that man had it GOING ON. The ascot exhumes as much masculinity and attractiveness as a man can possibly contain, just as Freddie did. Ladies, let’s bring back the tattoo choker. Nothing says classy like something tatty – especially when it’s literally on the brink of choking you. This accessory is particularly well done when the hair is up in two buns with the bangs pinned back in complicated patterns (as previously mentioned). But seriously, y’all why are the women here not wearing tube tops? They are the perfect piece for a quick outfit – put it on and voila! Outfit equals made. The perfect accessories for them are not only tattoo chokers (when are those not the perfect accessory?) but also chandelier earrings – you know, like the kind that goes all the way to your shoulders? They balance the absence of any form of sleeves. Guys, what has happened to your tight-tees and muscle shirts? Now, I asked a boy this recently, and he told me “What do you mean? My shirt’s so tight right now you can see my six-pack!” Now, besides the absence of a six-pack, this boy had one thing wrong – the only way a shirt is tight enough for a man is when it restricts his lungs from properly getting enough air to walk briskly. But your pants should be the exact opposite – what is with these belts?! Abandon them, my players, and instead wear your pants so low we can see those tighty-whities. But really, what I’m honestly writing this to beg you all to start wearing crocs. And not just crocs. Crocs with socks. Those, my dear peers, are THE in thing right now. And you’re all walking around in Nike’s, Sperry’s and Chaco’s? I’m humiliated to bring my friends on this campus for fear of them asking me where all the cool people have gone. Please listen to my word. I beg of you.Sincerely, ….. April Fools. Please, for the sake of all things good in this world, take none of that advice. F UTURE H USBANDS 4 Contact Annuh Nashuns, email@example.com Expose: tuition down the drain By Morgan Bares Contraband Bacot and Franklin to be Torn Down this Summer The North Side of campus will receive a new landmark this summer. The Millsaps College administration has decided to tear down Bacot Hall and Franklin Hall after numerous problems, complaints and raccoon-related incidents. Construction for a new campus landmark will begin after the buildings are torn down in June. Completion is anticipated in late August. In place of Bacot and Franklin Halls will be a Max Intensity Training facility. The facility not only be for athletes, but for all students, faculty and staff. The MIT facility will feature a thirteen station boot camp course, regulation size boxing ring, TRX bands, rock walls, an Olympic-size swimming pool, yoga studio, cycling classrooms, a spa. Millsaps administration hopes to have trainers, fitness instructors as well as nutrition counselors available in the Max Intensity facility in order to improve By Derp the campus’s overall physical fitness and health. Foolish April, the head architect for this project says, “My team works fast. When there better living conditions, and also more enjoyable campus facilities. We feel that the new, state of the art training facility will satisfy current students as to walk down the hall without rats scurrying along the floor or brush my teeth without brown water coming from the faucet.” Millsaps’ Administration presentation early next month. They are willing to hear suggestions and ideas in order to make this Max Intensity Training facility as good as it can be. Please is high demand and need for a project to be completed- we put it at the top of our priority list.” The decision to construct the new landmark was decided by Dr. Peargreen and his architectural staff. Students’ complaints of mold, flooding, raccoons, and rat infestation urged the administrators to make this change. Dr. Peargreen tells us, “We felt that Millsaps students deserve well as attract perspective students.” Complaints about Bacot Hall and Franklin Hall have been a recurring problem in the Student Life and Administration offices. Freshman Whitney Eames tells us “I live in Bacot and can not shower there, sleep, study or live there any longer. It is hard hopes this new construction will improve living conditions as well as promote extra-curricular options for students. Exact plans for the training facility are currently in the works. Dr. Peargreen and his administration hope to have them completed and ready for public email any input to the planning committee at: wouldn’t_this_ firstname.lastname@example.org. Better food with better literacy newly-installed chicken coop. “The chickens are fed with the left-over nuggets from the previous night,” The Caf ’ says. “It makes them taste more like chicken.” Lastly, The Caf ’ has moved to replace the dessert toppings with healthier and leaner options. “The main component in the new toppings is polyethylene,” Caf ’ Contraband Millsaps and The Caf ’ are joining forces to help lower Mississippi’s number one status as “The fattest state.” Millsaps recently joined an experiment put on by the Board of Health to improve the food available to students. “Great strides are already being made,” says The Caf ’. Diabeetus Multiple changes have been made to offer healthier choices in The Caf ’. One change was switching from peanut to vegetable oil used to fry the majority of our food. “It’s made of vegetables,” says The Caf ’, “it automatically has to be better for you.” Another move The Caf ’ has made is using all organic vegetables harvested for Millsaps’ own rooftop garden, located on the roof of the Academic Complex. A Caf ’ employee visits the garden once every morning to gather materials for the day ahead, along with the longawaited and says. “Last time I checked, plastic doesn’t have any calories.” The Caf ’ and the Board of Health are improving the lives of Millsaps students every day. Millsapians should be aware of the hard work and dedication each staff member has given to improve the overall health of the campus. As food begins to improve, don’t be alarmed by queasiness as your stomach adjusts to the higher quality. 5 Contact Annuh Nashuns, email@example.com F UTURE H USBANDS Your 12-step program to get a girl By HottLana and Annuh heads. If she looks back, you deter this lady friend from getknow she’s single (or has a boy- ting to know you, just have her Nashuns Major Enthusiast and Inefficiency at its finest friend and is looking for some fun on the side). Ask her to walk over to your car and hop in, offering her a cold beer. Drinking and driving is a sure turn-on. Flattery is the best policy: We all know that first impressions are important. Make sure to tell her—or all of them if you decide to hit on a group of friends—that she looks beautiful before even introducing yourself. Then, she’ll feel flattered; you’ll have a foot in the door. Choosing a target: If you see a hot girl, make a move right away. Also, if the opportunity arises, be sure to hit on women in groups. One of them is bound to be single, so your chances are high. Plus, if there is more than one single girl, you will have options. Location: Don’t worry about what people say the conventions are, you can hit on a girl anywhere: when you’re working out, when you’re on the job or even in the Walmart parking lot. If she’s working out, it’s a good time to swoop in, especially if she’s really concentrated. She’ll never see it cuming. You can start off the conversation by slowly approaching her, jumping on the elliptical or treadmill next to her and saying something along the lines of, “I really care about you and your workout.” Next, start adjusting with the incline on her machine. That’ll really get her heart racing. Or, if you’re trying to catch a classy chick, parking lots are always a hot spot. Simply roll down your window and yell, “Ayy gurl.” That’ll turn some Conversation is key: Just do. Don’t think about what you are saying before you say it. Thinking will make you seem weak. The last thing you want is for her to think that you have any forethought to your words or actions. A good way to lead into the romance is to ask her, “What type guy do you normally go for?” This way, you can mold yourself into that cookie cutter man that is just for her. You can’t go wrong when you make yourself into the man she tells you she loves If she seems stumped by this question, just probe her until she answers because is she never answers, you’ll never know who you need to be. Ask questions like, “Well, do you normally like a guys who parties or what?” If and only if she says that she doesn’t really have a type, then you are free to be yourself. Also, It never hurts to throw in a disclaimer such as, “Don’t worry I’m not gonna stalk you or anything. I mean I live with my mom, so she’ll call the cops on me before you’ll have to.” Letting her know your position on stalking and/ or past arrests and criminal record will put you in the clear. Guessing games: If you think your age may seem ambiguous and guess your age. It’ll get her engaged with what you are saying. Stay persistent: If you think she seems creeped out or is saying things like, “Oh, I think it’s about time to go!,” then capitalize on that. She’s probably just playing hard to get, like in the movies. The more cold she seems, the more she’s trying to cover up the fact that she has the hots for you. Bros help get hoes: If you have a more attractive, off-the-market wing man, just let him do all the work for you. He’ll probably have some good experience since he has a girlfriend. He can reel her in, chat her up, get her number, and then pass it off to you. Sealing the deal: Ask for a ride home. You know what they say, women like to feel needed. She’ll be calling you her man meat in no time. A facebook friend is a future girlfriend: If all the above tactics fail, or especially if it’s a girl you’ve never talked to before, facebook is a sure fire way to get a girl. It’s a good way to get some research under your belt. You can find out who she is friends with, what she looked like when she was in the ninth grade and who her exes are. Remember that girl you had a crush on in fourth grade? It’s never too late to send her a lengthy facebook message professing your undying love for her. This usually ends well as long as you tell her that you are willing to wait for her – no matter how long it takes. Make sure that you send it rather out of the blue. Don’t confirm that she feels the same way first. It is better to catch her off guard. As they say, “Go big, or go home…alone.” Once you’ve hooked her: Text messages are the best way to go. Flooding her inbox with messages about how beautiful and wonderful she is will surely have her wishing you were her man. It’s definitely not creepy to point out how much you loved the clothes she was wearing when you were watching her from across campus. She’ll know you are admiring her from afar. Plus, she won’t assume that you are stalking her because you have already forewarned her that you are not a stalker—see “Coversation” section. Also, don’t be afraid to get too personal before the first date. Asking about aspirations regarding kids and marriage right off the bat will let her know that you are serious, especially if you are asking about these subjects via drunk text. She’ll surely be flattered by your eagerness. Ask her about past relationships, especially the ones that ended badly. Get to the root of the troubles. You don’t want to be that guy. Again, this will give the chance to tailor yourself to be the guy for her. Also, be sure to tell all of your friends that you two are dating. You don’t have to ask her to be your girlfriend or even take her out on a date. If you are texting her all the time, she’ll just know. When word gets back to her that you are her boyfriend, she’ll be speechless. Getting past first base on the first date: Once you have gotten her number and have spent some time pouring out copious amounts of affection through text message, you can ask her on a date. Skip the dinner and a movie. A guaranteed way to win her over is to have her meet you in a vacant parking lot after dark, drive her to Wendy’s and buy her a Frosty. Showing that you are frugal is a definite turn on. Girls like it when you don’t have the money to buy gas, so you are incapable of picking her up. Also, girls enjoy the simplicity of the dollar menu. String her along, she’ll thank you later: Keeping her guessing about your intentions and plans re- garding her will keep you good as gold. The right girl will love sitting around waiting for you, postponing further romantic endeavors with any other prospects. Plus, good things are worth waiting for, and you are worth waiting for. This can be her test. If she can withstand a year of wishy-washy indecision and commitment issues, then you know that she is in it for the long haul. And, if you are on the fence between two, keep them both. They are both cute, right? Or they wouldn’t be into you. Girls love a little competition, and who doesn’t love cat fight? Re- member, you can have as many girls as you want as long as none of them is your girlfriend. P ROPOGANDA Pong continued from pg. 1 eminent. Rebel leaders initiate guerilla war songs that cause pongers to scurry into hiding or flood out the back door like moonshiners at a 1920s speakeasy. Pongers are becoming more active and less evasive due to a recent spike in organization. The Purple and White staff was able to locate a Pong insider, known to the staff only as “Comrade BG”. On entry to the secret Ponger enclave, the pongers pumped a fist in the air and saluted, “Ten more cups till freedom!” BG gave the Purple and White an interview beneath an upside down Millsaps flag hanging in his dorm room. BG asks, “What is the correlation between this brutality the administration enforces on our freedom and the violent robbery during the winter!?” BG’s hands tremble with frustration and his fists pound on the table as he exclaims “There is none! Security’s righteous campaign is nothing but oppression!” Such a climate of controversy has compelled the Purple and White to go undercover to learn more about this critical situation. Sources that wish to remain anonymous have been suggesting prohibitionist hand in the affairs of the student body, housing, intra-fraternal and even security administrations. While observing extreme clandestine sources are at play within the administration. First, many sources, including BG’s testimony, hint toward an underground society of elite prohibitionists. Conspiracy theorists believe that this anti-beer drinking society has infiltrated the Millsap’s infrastructure at all organizational levels. It has been claimed that there is a levels of vagueness during the February robbery, several voices have begun speaking out against Security’s martial law campaign. Among them is Anna Molly, who is self-described as a champion of beer pong tables campus wide. Molly demands reparations against the actions of the Elite Prohibitionists, who Molly feels is a concrete and visible organization. book’s premise and ideology but instead of competing for a life time of riches students will be competing for a full scholarship. All students will be required to submit their names once to the lottery from which players or “tributes” will be chosen. Students who submit their name more than once will receive fifty dollars off of their meal plan for each extra submission. One man and one woman will be selected from each graduating class to serve as trributes. Of course, unlike the novel, students will not actually be killing their peers. Instead state of the art virtual technology will be used so that players’ actions are only imitated. Tribute Tournament Director Seneca Crane explains, “The eight players will enter the 6 Contact Opossum Emperor, firstname.lastname@example.org Through bouts of frustrated rants, Molly hypothesizes, “The robbery was a hoax. It was merely a plot by the prohibitionists to provide a cause for Security to oppress our rights for alcoholic gaming.” May it be true that a shadowy elitist organization is puppeteering the administration? The Purple and White’s investigation on this matter will continue with diligence. The staff is currently retracing all it’s investigation back to the day of the robbery, and the hearsay of conspiracy theorists seem to be gaining probability. Could it be true, as witness Joe Fernando claims, “I was at the scene of the supposed robbery, at the supposed time it was happening, as the email claims; but, I saw nothing. This leads me to think that the Prohibitionists instigated this whole event. I bet that they orchestrated the whole robbery, maybe they just paid someone to act like they got robbed, to give Security a tiny bit of justification for fraternity home invasion.” POP continued from pg. 1 constructed around the Millsaps campus, he replied, “Absolutely. There will be another bubble force field placed around campus by this coming Friday, March 30th. The students will then be memory flashed and everyone will forget: A) that there is an actual Millsaps bubble, B) that the bubble was popped, C) that there are other entities besides Millsaps College.” President Pearigen trailed off saying, “Oh and this publication will be burned…” Article=swell, Fhoto=RllyAwesome By Emmer Jay Minion Due to the popularity and success of Suzanne Collins’ New York Times best-selling book The Hunger Games and its newly released cinematic adaptation, Millsaps is proud to introduce the First Annual Tribute Tournament. The program will closely resemble the TEAR 4 UR FREE PEETA DORM DECOR simulation in an undisclosed location to prevent any tampering with the event and protect the contestants. The tournament will then be projected on a screen located in the Bowl.” The Tribute Tournament will push participants to their physical and psychological limits forcing them to rely on their survival instincts. Two weeks prior to the tournament play- ers will have to undergo physical fitness tests and endurance training. Tributes will also take enrichment classes on edible plants, camouflage and hunting as the Arena could present a variety of obstacles. When asked how contestants should prepare for the Arena, Crane replied, “Tributes should not expect a Peeta continued on pg. 9. 7 J ORTS Contact Freshyfifteen Postachild, email@example.com Top 5 pranks in college sports history 5. UCLA’s sh*t hit the fan In 1958, to UCLA fans, the Tommy Trojan statue was the most targeted landmark on USC’s campus. The statue was defaced so often USC hired an all-night student watch, along with the purchase of 24-hour surveillance cameras. To avoid the college’s new security, a group of UCLA students rented a helicopter with the idea of unloading a few hundred pounds of manure onto Tommy Trojan below. However, with the exceptionally high speeds of the helicopter blades, when released, the manure was propelled upwards and backfired into the faces of the UCLA students. Though this prank was a failure, their efforts must be honored, earning UCLA the #5 spot on the list. 4. Dateline’s To Catch a Predator USC’s 2006 basketball star, Gabe Pruitt, fell victim to the prank of a group of U.C. Berkley fans wanting a win for their home game against USC. The group of Cal fans made an Internet alias, a good-looking girl from UCLA named Victoria. After forming an online relationship, Pruitt agreed to meet with her once all of those who continued to grease the platform from then on, which led the students to create a substitute form a school spirit, an annual pep rally titled the “Wreck Tech Pajama Party.” he returned to LA, sending her a message that read, “I want to c u so bad.” Halfway through the game Cal fans began chanting “Victoria” and shouting out his phone number, causing him the utmost humiliation and an 11 point loss in the game. 3. Tech’s Train Wreck In 1898, any opposing team of Auburn’s would arrive to campus by train. For close to a century Auburn greased up the station platform the night before a game against Georgia Tech. With greased tracks catching no traction, the locomotive carrying all Georgia Tech fans flew past its stop year after year. Administration threatened expulsion to VARD.” When the unknowing Harvard students raised their cards to cheer, the words “WE SUCK” were seen throughout the stadium, giving Yale the #2 spot in the ranking for top pranks in college sports history. 1. The Infamous Rose Bowl Hoax Cal Tech pulled Yale’s triumphant prank 43 years prior, but on an even greater scale. In 1961, Cal Tech, though 2. Go Harvard? In 2004, during the Yale-Harvard football game, a group of Yale students dressed in Harvard Pep-Squad attire complete with fake student ID’s. They issued out placards cards, convincing the fans of their opponents the letters would spell out “GO HAR- without an official football team, hosted the event that signaled the end of the college football season, the Rose Bowl. A group of 14 Cal Tech students, deemed the “Fiendish Fourteen,” decided to play on the irony and alter the University of Washington’s halftime show during that year’s game. One student from the group dressed as a high school reporter and interviewed a University of Washington cheerleader, finding that by merely al- tering the instruction sheets the crowds of Husky fans would display any pattern the 14 wanted without realizing it. When the halftime show began, the first 11 card collages went according to plan, giving the fans and all those watching on national television a false sense of normality. The 12th collage, meant to display the husky mascot, resembled more of a beaver. The 13th collage had the word “HUSKIES” spelled backwards, which was taken as a mistake. But on the 14th collage the cards in the stands spelled out “CALTECH” first sending Husky fans into a silent state of confusion, followed by roars of laughter and cheering from the opposing team. It will forever be the most remembered prank in sports history, giving it the title of #1 on many top sports pranks lists. Editor’s Note: Though these events may be humorous, they actually happened. They really did, for real. No jokes here, promise. Major Athlete: Happy Gilmore Classification: 7th year seenya Sport/Position: Golf and Ice Hockey What sports did you play when you were younger? During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody. What would you say your greatest talent is? Ever since I was old enough to skate, I loved hockey. I wasn’t really the greatest skater though. But that didn’t stop my dad from teaching me the secret of smacking his greatest slap shot. Has this talent helped you in any other sport? Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time. What made you interested in playing at the Pro Golf Tour? I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking a**! How does golf differ from ice hockey? Golf requires goofy pants and a fat a**. You should talk to my neighbor, the accountant. Probably a great golfer... huge a**. If saw myself in clothes like that, I’d have to kick my own a**. 7 Contact Freshyfifteen Postachild, firstname.lastname@example.org J ORTS Man vs. Horse Marathon gallops into Millsaps By Freshyfifteen Postachild Jean Shorts Extraordinaire Head track and field coach, Randy Phill, caught word of a somewhat recent Welsh sport growing in popularity, the Man vs. Horse Marathon. Though not technically a marathon, as the route is only a little over 22 miles in length, Phill was eager to get his Major Runners signed up and ready to participate to compete on the rough terrain. “One of my closest friend, Huw Lobb ran in the event in 2004,” says Phill. “He was telling me all about it when he visited the states over spring break. The first thing I thought of was to sign my runners up to compete.” Freshman Sally Smith echoes her coach, “I think that the competition will be a great way to continue training for the Millsaps cross country and track seasons as the year ends and the summer begins. Plus, it gives the athletes a chance to do something we love in a completely different way, running in a whole new environment competing against horses instead of people,” she says. The event began in 1980 when Gordon Green, a local pub owner in Llanwrtyd Wells, Wales, overheard two of his customers arguing. One of the men claimed that a human could outrun a horse on any given day of the year if the distance was long enough. Green decided to put this man to the test and organized the first MVH Marathon, available for public viewing. In 1982, when women started joining the race, the course was amended giving the contestants a more level playing field. In 1985, cyclists were allowed to join the race, resulting in the first man to beat a horse. British cyclist Tim Gould beat the first horse by a mere three minutes. However, Phil’s close friend, Lobb was the first man to win on foot, showing Gould up 15 years later, earning a prize of $31,786.40. Also in 2004, 500 runners and 40 horses competing in the marathon, the race’s highest numMillsaps Cross Country star Sally Smith begins training early in ber of competitors yet. hopes to be the first woman ever to beat the leading horse across In 2007 runners outpaced the finish line. the first horse by up to 11 minutes. Though in 2011, the race had many experienced horses and riders, giving the horses the overall win for that year. The 2012 marathon will be held in the traditional area of Llanwrytd Wells, Wales on June 9. Senior Ricky Reuben states, “We have decided as a team that if any one of us wins the money, half will be dispersed among all the philanthropies represented on the Millsaps College campus. The remaining half will go to the craziest cross country/ track and field/ MVH road trip party ever.” With the encouragement of Phill, the Millsaps Cross Country and Track and Field teams are holding tryouts to participate in the marathon open to all Millsaps College students. Tryouts will be help on April 1 in the Millsaps College horse stables located directly behind the HAC. When the final Millsaps MVH team has been chosen, practice will be held until the team trip to Wales June 6-11.