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68A;B 9DBC F0==0 3A8=: 144A 8= =4F <4G82> Cyndi Lauper plays the Uptown Aug. 18 and runs off with Ramblin’ Jack Elliott after Wilson Phillips gets kidnapped by Charo and—oh, be warned.

<dbXR <PT[bca^\ A (very) rejected screenplay starring this season’s music headliners

By Gabe Meline

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old on!� cried Wilson Phillips (Marin County Fair, July 1). It was freezing in the room, the heating system broken, a metaphor for their relationship. Jack had just walked out for the umpteenth time, and Wilson ran after him. “Stop your ramblin’, Jack (Marin County Fair, July 2),� she yelled, “and come back and fix these Radiators (Mystic Theatre, June 13)!� But Jack had already bought tickets for an around-the-world Pablo Cruise (MarinSonoma Fair, June 26) to catch a basketball game in Havana with the Afro-Cuban All-Stars (Robert Mondavi Winery, July 17). Wilson had argued against the trip, saying that the all-stars were too short to play basketball. “Yes (Wells Fargo Center, July 13),� Jack had said, “but They Might Be Giants (Uptown Theatre, Aug. 21).� Wilson climbed to the top of Lauryn Hill (Harmony Festival, June 13) and tried to resist her Temptations (Marin County Fair, July 5). She wanted to fly away in a Joan Jett (Marin-Sonoma Fair, June 25) and find Jack. She prepared her ultimatum: “Lyle Lovett (Uptown, July 21; WFC, July 20) or leave it!� she’d tell him. If he didn’t want her love, he could become one of Los Lonely Boys (Uptown, Aug. 5). Luckily, who should see Wilson crying the tears of a clown but Smokey Robinson (WFC, May 28). “Ooh, baby, baby,� he soothed, “the Weather Channel says there’s a New Monsoon (Hopmonk Tavern, July 16) blowing through. I’ve got sunshine on these

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THE BOHEMIAN

cloudy days—climb in my REO Speedwagon (WFC, July 28), and I’ll take you to see a specialist at the Garaj Mahal (Hopmonk, July 23).� The drive was long. To pass the time, they picked up hitchhikers. One, with a hammer and toolbox, was a Mary Chapin Carpenter (WFC, Aug. 6); another was in retail as a Natalie Merchant (WFC, Aug. 10). Both were Waifs, but they shared some Poor Man’s Whiskey and sang songs by Greg Brown, Steve Earle, Ani DiFranco, Robert Earl Keen and Carrie Rodriguez (Kate Wolf Festival, June 25–27). Finally, they reached the spot, their car immediately surrounded by Court Yard Hounds (Mondavi, July 10), snarling and drooling. Smokey knew the secret word. “Vetiver (Gundlach-Bundschu, June 5)!� he yelled. The Pack (Phoenix Theater, June 5) dispersed, Smokey and Wilson making their way to the front porch and ringing the Joshua Bell (Festival del Sole, July 18). The door opened. She appeared, her hair bunched in a pin encrusted with an Eileen Jewell (Studio E, June 18). All Wilson noticed were the woman’s low-cut dress and tell-tale Mother Hips (Hopmonk, June 18). Sure enough. It was the exotic mystic, Charo (Lincoln Theater, Sept. 10). Charo had worked her magic on many before, from Miranda Lambert (Sonoma County Fair, Aug. 2) to Esperanza Spalding (Healdsburg Jazz Festival, June 11) to Rickie Lee Jones (Uptown, June 19). Basically, had a woman ever been spurned by a man, Charo was there to make things right. Everyone (% Wilson knew used Charo’s services—

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