the michigan
difference
Stabbing at the last tater tot, fight-
Graham-Bermann says. The victim is left
ing over space in the back seat of the
with feelings of worthlessness, helpless-
car, or planting dark rumors about Santa
ness, and shame that may prevent them
Claus are all part of the sibling rivalry
from seeking help, even into adulthood.
game. It’s normal and ubiquitous for off-
A large national study in 2009 found up
spring to verbally and sometimes physi-
to 14 percent of siblings between the ages
cally jostle and joust.
of three to 17 experienced severe forms of
These sibling contests are among some
violence, such as beatings or altercations
of the most important family dynamics, but
with a gun or knife, Graham-Bermann
also some of the least-studied, says Brenda
says. Another study in 1999 found eight
Volling, LSA psychology professor and
percent of college students reported
growing pains Possible signs of sibling abuse: n One child always avoids their sibling
n A child has changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares
director of the Center for Human Growth
ongoing physical abuse by a sibling dur-
and Development, and a specialist in early
ing childhood. These studies reveal that
childhood development. “It’s almost as if
psychological and physical aggression
they’re the forgotten family relationship.”
between siblings may increase the odds
n A child acts out abuse in play
of a person’s future behavior problems,
n A child acts out in sexually inappropriate ways
Sibling rivalry is essential and constructive, Volling says. It’s where a child can
including delinquency and aggressive
learn both to prosecute a conflict and to
behavior in dating and intimate partner
resolve it, like wolf pups wrestling and
relationships.
play-biting to get ready for the real hunt.
Though some conflict is to be expected,
And as such, you can view sibling rivalry
it’s not enough to say “let them work it
something like a hockey game, Volling
out” or “that’s just what siblings do,” Vol-
says. There is sure to be some checking
ling says. Children aren’t born naturally
and loud crashes against the boards —
knowing how to resolve conflict; they
all well within the rules of the game.
need help developing their tools for deal-
But she is quick to note that there is
ing with it. Parents need to “help them
also such a thing as unnecessary rough-
learn conflict resolution when they’re
ness and unbalanced aggression. At some
young,” and model good behavior. “You
point, the ref has to blow the whistle
can’t spank a kid and then say, ‘don’t hit
and send somebody to the penalty box.
your sister.’” The evidence shows that
Without referees, the rivalry can turn into
physical aggression by parents who have
something darker and less constructive,
a harsh and coercive parenting style is
entering the realm of abuse that can cre-
consistently linked to aggressive behavior
ate long-lasting physical and psychic scars.
in children, Graham-Bermann says.
“The abuse of one sibling by another is a
Volling says parents need to pay atten-
serious and often unrecognized problem
tion to subtle cues and intervene when
in families,” says Sandra A. Graham-
a line seems to be crossed, even though
Bermann, a professor of psychology and
most abuse might occur out of their sight
psychiatry. “The assaults can include mild
and hearing.
or severe injury, beating up, intimidating, and threatening to do harm.”
“As for therapy, I think that someone with a family systems perspective would
Volling adds to the list: pinching, biting,
be best as they wouldn’t restrict their
hitting with objects, choking, suffocation,
focus to an individual child,” Graham-
drowning, and sexual assault. This goes
Bermann says. “Nor would such a family
well beyond an impulsive child dishing out
therapist leave out the contribution of the
a roundhouse punch over a toy. Abuse has
parents to the problem. The parents are
a deliberateness to it; it’s intentional hostil-
both part of the problem but also an im-
ity, cruelty, and repetition, Volling says.
portant part of the solution.” n
“You can tell when there is sibling abuse when one child is clearly the bully and the other is consistently the victim,”
n The children’s roles are rigid: one child is always the aggressor, the other, the victim n The roughness or violence between siblings is increasing over time How can I prevent abuse from taking place? n Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them. For example, make it clear that you will not put up with name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, or provoking.
n Don’t give your older children too much responsibility for your younger kids. For example, use after-school care programs, rather than leaving older children in charge. n Set aside time regularly to talk with your children one-on-one, especially after they’ve been alone together. n Know when to intervene in your kids’ conflicts, to prevent an escalation to abuse. n Model good conflict-solving skills and non-violence for your children. n Teach them to say “no” to unwanted physical contact. n Keep an eye on your kids’ media choices (TV, video games, and Internet surfing), and either join in and then discuss the media messages or ban the poor choices. Compiled by Kyla Boyse (’90) and Psychology Professor Brenda Volling.
Learn more via the U-M Health System www.med.umich.edu/yourchild/ topics/sibabuse.htm
Fall 2012 / LSA Magazine
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