family time
What a Loser!
J
en Moore doesn’t like her 7-year-old daughter’s friend, who is bossy. Felicia Archer doesn’t like her 14-year-old son’s friend, who curses and constantly attempts to goad her son into looking at inappropriate videos online. Liz Green hates her daughter’s boyfriend for a number of reasons. (Names have been changed to protect, well, everyone.) Nor are these women unusual. At one point, most parents have an issue with a friend of their child. The question is what — if anything — to do about it. If your dislike is just a gut feeling, you may have to patiently let things play out. If said friend is endangering your child physically or mentally, you obviously need to intervene. It’s the in-between where things get murky — and especially tricky, as your children age and rejecting your thoughts on who should be their friend is part of how they develop. Overall, handling questionable friendships is easier the younger the child, experts say. “When parents have concern about younger kids, they’re in a position to engineer things better,” says Dr. William F. Long, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in a private practice. “They do drop-offs and pick-ups, they go where their kids go, so they can engineer play dates and activities. It’s usually not as complicated at this age.” Since young children learn a lot by watching and mimick-
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healthylife
by wendy page
ing, this is also a good time to teach your child how to be a good friend and what to look for in a good friend. “You start with yourself,” says Suzanne Franck, case manager at CAPTAIN Youth Shelter in Malta. “You invite friends over and let your child see your choice of words, how you treat your friends, how happy you are when you’re with your friends. They’ll pick up on it.” Explain to your child what to do when confronted by a “bad” friend. “We don’t play that way,” and, “In our family, we share/respect each other/don’t boss anyone around,” are some suggested phrases. The key, Franck stresses, is not to seem judgmental. “Teach positive characteristics,” she says. “Try to redirect them to someone who exhibits more positive types of behaviors.”
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s children progress from the sandbox to the playground to middle and high schools, their dealings with their friends change, too. Late adolescents and teenagers are learning to be individuals, make their own choices, and “growing their own identities,” Long says. “They create a peer group – a peer family – that the parents don’t belong to. That leaves parents feeling a bit powerless, and kids feeling protective about the group.” As a parent, you need to recognize their individuality. Your
Photos: iStockphoto.com. Kids against wall, © Rosemarie Gearhart; Kids’ Legs, © Shawn Gearhart.
what to do if you don’t like your kids’ friends