Ways to work with your child’s development to create natural harmony and stronger relationships. Your children may be past the age of tantrums and biting, but as they grow, behavior challenges certainly don’t go away. Your child’s brain won’t reach full maturity until long after childhood. The average age is about 27 years old, which means your child still has a lot of growing to do! The neural pathways that connect the emotional center of the brain with the logical center brain are far from efficient just yet. There is plenty of miscommunication as children learn how to balance strong emotions with rational thought and self-control. But the frustrating behavior you see from your growing children is only the tip of the iceberg. There is more going on than meets the eye, and you can help kids develop valuable long-term skills by addressing what’s really going on. Here are a few of the most common behavior challenges parents face in the older years and some tips for handling them with effectiveness.
“My child’s attitude is pushing my buttons!” There can be many reasons why children may show disrespectful behavior by talking back or having “an attitude.” They may be feeling a sense of powerlessness and trying to gain some of it back. They may feel a need to assert their autonomy with their words and tone. They may be feeling disconnected in their relationship with a parent. Or, they may simply be having a hard day. It is important to understand that although backtalk may push your buttons, there is a message behind it. If you can get to the root of the attitude, you can respond to your child in a constructive way.
“Working With” Tips • Make sure your relationship is on track. Typically, when a child is behaving in
a way that makes you want more distance between the two of you, what she actually needs more than anything else is a renewed sense of closeness. Take a deep breath and remind yourself of what you love about her. Spend some regular one-on-one time together and dedicate that time to listening and understanding her. When your child feels like you “get” her, she’ll communicate more respectfully.
• Look below the surface. That is, be will-
ing to look past the rude words or tone of voice to discover what might be driving the behavior. You seem frustrated; did you have a rough day? You’re very upset right now; let’s both take some time to calm down before we talk. Being able to remember that behavior stems from more deeply rooted feelings (and is not intended specifically to drive you crazy) will help you keep your cool and not add fuel to the fire.
• Give opportunities for more power. Ver-
bal pushback in the form of attitude or backtalk may come from a child’s feeling a lack of power. Find opportunities for your child to take control over more areas of her life. Give her more say in how her homework gets done, her extra curricular activities, chores, or clothing choices. Ask more questions instead of giving more directions. What do you think we should do? Do you have ideas? What do you think about this? Amy McCready, author of If I Have To Tell You One More Time says, “The more positive power you give kids, the less they’ll try to get it in negative ways.”
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