The
Blue Pencil Lunar Revue A spoof publication of the Red Hook Star-Revue, no information below is meant to be true or offensive.
I
n the wake of this year’s presidential election, the Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue would like to highlight a couple of candidates that may have been improperly represented in other media. We feel they are due their fair share of publicity, even if the votes have already been tal-
Sharky Shark Calamari
Party affiliation: Ill-Mannered Teapot Party Age: 34.5 Political past: Served 3 days of a 5 year sentnce for punching an elderly Democratic lady. He was pardoned as soon as Guliani took office Platform: Rescue the Economy Slogan: “Just print more dough!” Primary goal as president: Organize a million millionaires march to drop one billion counterfeit $1USD. Physical characteristics: wears a knock-off Armani suit and sports a handlebar moustache Favorite words: “yup” and “nup” Favorite food: boiled cabbage Most well known for: his tattoo of a unicorn on his fanny Pets: a 13 year old tarantula named Mrs. Robinson and a Smartphone that he affectionately calls Senorita Vibrato
Pippi Parsnip Strongbottom
Party affiliation: Frumpy Old Maid Party Age: 57 Political Past: She voted a record breaking 17 times in the 1992 election: 8 votes for Clinton; 7 votes for Papa Bush; and 2 votes for Mickey Mantel Platform: Extending Arbor Day to a month long mandatory fasting; Plants’ rights Slogan: “Artichokes have hearts, too.” Primary goal as president: Decrease the national deficit by raising taxes on all produce 3,000% - especially broccoli Past employment: modeled nose rings in her youth; later, she understudied the bearded Lady in an offoff Broadway Carnival, but could only grow hair on her chest Favorite meal: EZ cheese and root beer
MULLED MOCK TURKEY INGREDIENTS: • • • • • • • • • •
1 large pigeon, dead 3 pairs of dirty socks 3 teaspoons of boysenberry juice 1 garlic clove 3 quarts of turmeric 1 used stop sign 2 Christmas ornaments pinch of salt 1 Richard Nixon mask 14 eggs
1. Blue Pencil Lunar-Revue by Retarded Monkeys 2. Waterfront Edge Diner’s To-Go Menu by the owners of the Waterfront Edge Diner
DIRECTIONS: Cut the dirty socks into 1/4 inch squares, combine with turmeric and 7 eggs and blend in food processor set to mash-up for 15 minutes. Chill and set aside Cut the tail off of the pigeon and insert whole garlic clove into rear. Wipe pigeon with boysenberry juice. Pulverize Christmas ornaments, add salt and 7 eggs including shells. In a serving dish, place the pigeon on its feet, dish the sock mixture around it and bake in oven set at 414 degrees for 38 minutes. Remove from oven, sprinkle with salt and return to oven for another 15 minutes. Pour the Christmas ornament mixture into a blender and blend at high setting for an hour. Remove pigeon from oven, cover face with Richard Nixon mask. Serve with chilled Christmas ornament mixture (poured into crystal drinking glasses) and make sure to decorate with Stop sign just so you can tell your guests they were warned.
Page 10 Red Hook Star-Revue
3. Memoirs of the 76th Precinct: The Ill-Effects of Stop and Tickle by Captain Jeffery Schiff 4. George Fiala’s Death Certificate by the Kings County Coroner’s Office, circa 2047 5. The Act of Doing Nothing for Dummies by Faux News 6. 1988 Dodge Dynasty Owner’s Manual by whoever Justin Beiber was in his past life 7. The 50 Most Worse Grammerly Errs by Kimberly G. Price 8. A Pictorial Guide to Things I Found in my Belly Button by Branch Dickey 9. How Government Works by the Pizza guy who ran for president whose name nobody remembers 10. Riding My Imaginary Trolley by Bob Diamond
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Through December 1, 2012