To My Trouble-Making Little Sister: An Apology in 11 Points Beth Hawbaker
1.
I’m sorry Mom and Dad decided I needed a sibling fifteen years ago. If I were an only child, I wouldn’t now be suspended from school (and grounded) for that fight your best friend and boyfriend started. 2. I’m sorry I didn’t smack you harder when I found out you took my Josh Groban CD (without my permission!) and returned it all scratched to hell, so now it won’t play anymore. We’ll see how you like it when I do the same to Justin Bieber. 3. And don’t think I haven’t noticed that my favorite skirt is missing. You know which one I’m talking about. You’d better not get grass stains on it like my Mudd jeans that time you were playing tackle football with the neighbor boys. I’m sorry you’re not a fatty, then you wouldn’t be able to fit into my clothes. 4. I am not sorry that I called you a thieving little bitch when you “borrowed” my earrings. You had that coming. 5. I’m sorry that you don’t have any cool friends of your own so you always have to hang out with mine. Isn’t it bad enough I have to share my genes with you?
who was kissing him. 8. You should have been the one to shove Tiffany into the lockers. The one to break Brian’s nose. But you just stood there with wide eyes, like Mr. Fuzzybottoms when I step on his tail. So I had to do it for you. I’m sorry that I never taught you how to stand up for yourself. 9. I’m sorry Vice Principal Gates pulled me off Brian before I could blacken his other eye. 10. You’re supposed to be the tomboy of the family. How did I end up suspended for fighting while you sobbed the whole way home, my mascara leaving black rivulets on your cheeks? I’m sorry that you’re not a beautiful cryer. I’m not either. 11. So here I am now, curled up on the couch with Mr. Fuzzybottoms, watching old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and all I have left to be sorry for is you not sitting here next to me.
6. And while we’re on the subject, stay away from Toby. I’m sorry my boyfriend is amazing, but I will not share him with you. Back off. 7. Besides you have Brian--err, had Brian. I am sorry you caught him cheating. And that it was your best friend, Tiffany,
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