www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 10 February 2014 Issue 1284 Free
The Independent Voice of Newcastle Students
LOVE FACTUALLY Has the silver screen destroyed love by over simplifying emotions? p.24
MASTER CHIRPSE p.28
Est 1948
BETTER THAN YOUR BOYF p.13
Swimming pool hopes dashed
DRAINED AWAY: City pool was used by several university clubs, students and faculty before council budget cuts forced its closure in March 2013. Image: Emily Keen By Anna Templeton News Editor
Hopes for university swimming facilities have been thrown into doubt after proposals shown to students revealed no presence of a pool. It was thought that, if a pool were to be built, it would be as part of the Richardson Road redevelopment because of its proximity to the sports centre. However, when these plans for redevelopment were displayed as part of a student consultation, no swimming pool was included amongst them. The importance of swimming facilities to students has been heightened by the closure of City Pool, due to council budget cuts, and was highlighted by the Students’ Union when a question asking students for their opinions was attached to election ballots last year. The University has refused to confirm whether plans for a swimming pool have been shelved but expressed their ongoing commitment to improving
sports facilities. Speaking to The Courier a spokesperson said: “We are very keen to invest in improving sports facilities for our stu-
ulous. Three million people a week go swimming, more than those who cycle or play football. “Swimming is one of the best sports
“It is a great shame that a top ten BUCS performing university does not have their own 25 metre swimming pool” dents, however, our governing body will want to ensure that any improvements we deliver are value for money. The University Council will meet at the end of the month to consider the overall strategy for sport at Newcastle.” The Courier also spoke to a number of students about their concerns over the uncertain future of a campus based pool. Lauren Wilson, president of water polo, said: “Adding swimming facilities to the university would benefit not only athletes but the rest of the student pop-
for building stamina, for those suffering from disabilities or injury and is one of the best forms of relaxation. It does not discriminate on ability, and for many, is not as intimidating as a gym. “I think to let this opportunity pass would be a massive shame. The students said they wanted a pool, it is ridiculous that this seems to have been ignored in favour of more expensive, luxury accommodation which could be built elsewhere.” Lucy Partington, a third year speech therapy student, joined the water polo
team in first year. She suggested that the logistics of having to seek facilities became an issue for the team: “Durham, Leeds and Northumbria all have fantastic pools. It was a pain with equipment because we were split across different pools going from the Royal Grammar School to the City Pool. “That meant we had to lug all our equipment from pool to pool instead of being able to keep it all at the one. Training times would have been better and easier if we had our own.” Michael Carney, president of the swimming and water polo club, said: “It is a great shame that a top ten BUCS performing university does not have their own 25 metre swimming pool and that this great opportunity could be missed. “Our own independent pool, combined with the pre-existing state of the art facilities, could have ensured greater participation and attracted top quality athletes to represent Newcastle. With
the future of City Pool reopening still unclear, we will continue to utilise the substantial backing from the university and hope for a change in fortune.” The swimming and water polo teams used to “We now have use City Pool for to arrange pool training sessions before its closure time around even then exNorthumbria but pressed concerns Uni, schools about their abiland public ity to function as sessions which a club. Wilson added: isn’t ideal for “Swimming and training or water polo are games” one of the largest teams on campus. We encourage swimmers and players of all abilities to join our club. Unfortunately, due to the lack of facilities, we are limited in how many members we can take in. Continued on page 4
News
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thecourieronline.co.uk/news
4 7
‘Where there is love there is life”
IPOD IN THE HEAD Neuroscience research into music hallucination condition
COMMENT
10 11
#neckandnominate The latest internet craze under scrutiny
NORTH VS SOUTH
More graduates being sucked into London?
- Mahatma Gandhi
Unique gifts
An online nursery is auctioning the chance to name a new variety of Snow Drop after your loved one in a unique Valentine’s Day gift. Evolution Plants have produced the new variety from a seedling of a common Snow Drop. The name will stand for as long as the species continues to exist. The money raised from the online auction will be used to save rare and endangered plants from around the world through Evolution Plants. The auction closes February 13.
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WINTER OLYMPICS
Men battle it out over the weekend
Andre Karwath
Fast Food
Candlelit dinner for 2 in Maccies
A McDonald’s in North Carolina is offering candlelight McDonald’s meals for Valentine’s day this year it has been revealed on Reddit. The restaurant are offering waiter service and diners are able to share a happy meal. The owners of the franchise have said they are doing this because not everyone can afford fancy restaurants.
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Police investigated a pig orgy at a residence in Maine, US. The officers were called to a ‘domestic disturbance’ after neighbours reported hearing strange screams. When officers turned up to the property they found a male pig in a pen with 5 females who were all ready to mate.
Valentine’s Day TV dinner reveal
James Simpson
Looking for love
Vengeful Ex
‘Bag a Slag’ banned DIY Voodoo doll A pub has been forced to remove an event from their Valentine’s calendar called ‘Bag-a-Slag’. The event was a spin on a speed dating night to be held in The Old Angel in Nottingham. The local council threatened the premises with loss of license if they weren’t to comply with removal of the event.
Valentine’s Food
INDOOR CRICKET
Perverted Pig
Valentine’s Food
It’s snow joke
SPORT
A preview and 5 reasons to watch them
USA
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The SCAN team turn old issues of The Courier into plant pots
e h t
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COURIER POTS
Wise Words:
The Courier
News Editors: Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editor: Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen courier.news@ncl.ac.uk | @TheCourier_News
In
NEWS
Monday 10 February 2014
World’s most expensive meal?!
The world’s most expensive Valentine’s meal cooked by Michelin starred chef Adam Simmonds has been unveiled. For the measly price of £61,000 you can have an 8 course meal including Bluefin tuna, foie gras, and gold leaf. The meal will be topped off with white doves, a harpist, and a romantic poet.
niallkennedy
A website provides the option to create a Voodoo doll of your ex spouses in a search for revenge. The aptly named ‘hexyourex.co.uk’ provides custom voodoo dolls for less than £20. On the website’s ‘build your doll’ page you can choose from a number of Hex’s including ‘Anal fissure’, ‘Fired from Job’, ‘Impotence’, and ‘Gout’. You can customise your doll from an array of fabrics including ‘Denim’, ‘Paisley’ and ‘Floral’. There is no doubt the site has sparked controversy, but it still remains unclear as to whether there is any proof that voodoo magic works.
Valentine’s Food
Breastiny’s Child An Italian restaurant has launched a Valentine’s menu based solely around the life of Beyoncé. The Brooklyn based “Brucie” is offering the perfect menu for the ultimate hip hop couple. The menu is made up of dishes which are aptly named after events from Beyoncé’s life as well as her most famous songs. Dishes include “Jay-Ziti” and “Breastiny’s Child” amongst others. The menu can be found online.
Editor George Sandeman Deputy Editor Tom Nicholson Web Editor Ben Brown News Editors Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editors Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen Comment Editors Lydia Carroll and Joe Wood Deputy Comment Editor Victoria Armstrong Culture Editor Sam Summers Lifestyle Editors Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith Fashion Editors Amy O’Rourke and Frances Stephenson Deputy Fashion Editors Rebekah Finney Beauty Editors Amy Macauley and Safiya Ahmed Arts Editors Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor Laura Wotton Film Editors Muneeb Hafiz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber Music Editors Kate Bennett and Ian Mason TV Editor Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor Helen Daly Science Editor Lizzie Hampson Deputy Science Editors Peter Style and Emad Ahmed Sports Editors Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Francesca Fitzsimmons Copy Editors Lucy Davis, Emma Broadhouse and Megan Ayres
Freeview has launched a TV dinner kit for couples who enjoy each other’s company with a good TV show. It’s the first all-in-one three course TV meal with candle accompaniment. The starter is pea and ham soup, followed by fish pie, carrots and green beans, topping it off with sticky toffee pudding. The new product comes after research from Freeview which showed that a quarter of British couples plan to spend Valentine’s Day at home in front of the TV.
Research
Puppy love New research has emerged showing that owners can love their dogs like children. The Austrian group haves shown the relationship is deep and much like a relationship between children and their parents. The human owner takes the place of a canine friend and a bond is formed which cannot be replicated with strangers the researchers showed.
rogerajohnson
The Courier is printed by: Print and Digital Associates, Fernleigh House, 10 Uttoxeter Road, Derby, Derbyshire, United Kingdom, DE3 0DA. Established in 1948, The Courier is the fully independent student newspaper of the Students’ Union at Newcastle University. The Courier is published weekly during term time, and is free of charge. The design, text, photographs and graphics are copyright of The Courier and its individual contributors. No parts of this newspaper may be reproduced without the prior permission of the Editor. Any views expressed in this newspaper’s opinion pieces are those of the individual writing, and not of The Courier, the Students’ Union or Newcastle University.
The Courier
news.3
Monday 10 February 2014
Union flooded by sweat and tears as Man vs Food contest heats up By James Simpson News Editor
RAG Week 2014 saw events such as Take Me Out, Comedy Night, UV Glow Pong and Battle of the Bands entertain students in the name of raising and giving for charity. The efforts of the RAG organisers for an entire week of charitable work has meant a total of over £6,000 has been raised. The money will go to seven different charities: Ace Africa, The Pendsey Trust, NSPCC, Crohn’s and Colitis UK, Papyrus, NIWE eating distress service and SCAN. One of the highlights of the week was the Man VS Food challenge on Tuesday 28 January was one of the highlights of RAG week. The challenge saw six challenges and over 30 competitors battle it out for places in the final challenge in order to be crowned the Man VS Food champion. First up, the Subway challenge was to eat an infamous footlong filled with as many fillings as they could get their hands on in the shortest time possible. The efforts were impressive and in the end it came down to just a single mouthful with Paddy Walsh’s victory over one of the American football team’s players. One of the competitors, dentistry student Jack Shreeve, when asked why he was drinking water from an 8-pint pitcher said: “I had a very dry
mouth. I needed lots of water in order to swallow effectively.” The Domino’s challenge followed and saw ten titans take on a 15 inch. The bar was set high with last year’s record under three minutes, so the pressure was stacked against them. Despite a lack of records in 2014, the crowd seemed impressed with how quickly the pizzas disappeared. The variety of toppings and temperature of the pizza were factors in the selection of box by the competitors. Masters student Tom Nicholson said: “I was confident in my training regime but hadn’t factored in barbecue sauce which really slowed me down. That, and stage fright.” The hot dog challenge was one of the more niche events with only five people taking part. Three footlong hot dogs dripping with mustard, ketchup, and barbecue sauce were presented to the competitors who raced with each other to eat as quickly as they could. Techniques differed with some tackling hot dog then bun, with others shovelling it away. One person even dipped their hot dog in their water to soften it up. Politics and Sociology student Ollie Thornton battled his way through to be victorious and spoke about his eating powers: “I have three sisters so probably had to eat loads of their leftovers.” His technique involved taking “down ketchup first then mustard second - my least favourite - then finished with my second
TOO HOT TO HANDLE: Or not as Paddy Walsh proved to be Man Vs Food champ. Image: Amy Tideswell favourite barbecue.” The Nando’s chicken wing challenge involving eating seven of Nando’s spiciest chicken wings in the quickest time. A close finish created tension at the end when two people thought they had finished. However, independent adjudication controversially decided there was
been horrendous and I’m very very impressed that two people nearly finished it so we’re going to give them some prizes. I think they’re going to be ill for the rest of the day though.” The Naga chillies are notoriously the hottest chillies in the world also known as Bhut Jolokia. Two of the challengers Caleb Jones
“The man love was rehabilitation. It was a moment where we were completely out of control; we dealt with that with human emotion”
CHILLI CON CARNAGE: Brave souls and stomachs took on Zapatista and Domino’s. Image: Amy Tideswell
still a substantial amount of meat left on the bones. The triumphant contender was Accounting and Finance student Josh Rose. When asked whether any preparation had taken place he replied with: “There was a lot of running at 5am and had to find myself up around the sunset. I also become one with the chicken.” The Nando’s challenge was the tip of the iceberg when the brave warriors faced the Zapatista burrito challenge. An innocent single burrito was presented to each of the tributes as they faced the challenge confidently. One bite was enough to put the fears (and tears) into so many grown men’s eyes. Sheer panic swept across the stage as more mouthfuls were consumed. The champions were only taunted by the glass of milk which stared them in the face across the table which they were not allowed to touch. Tom Nicholson commented: “It’s sickening but compelling. Seeing the human body pushed to its limits is incredible.” He went on to remark: “It must be some form of human rights violation.” Owner of Zapatista David Wright said the burrito contained: “Naga chillies, scotch bonnets, some kind of extract which I can’t pronounce. It would have
and Will Kinsey described it as an: “Unbelievable experience. The first bit was alright, but then my ears and lips started vibrating. There was a period of genuine panic where I wasn’t sure if I would ever return to normal.” When asked about their on-stage spooning encounter they replied: “The man love was rehabilitation. It was a moment where we were completely out of control; we dealt with that with human emotion. It shows that there is a lot you can conquer.” The girl’s turn came in a Desserts Delivered challenge involving a wide selection of sickly treats from their menu. The girls gorged and claimed one victim in Hazel Parnell who was spotted running to the toilet. All the winners of their heats progressed to the ultimate final, which was the cinnamon challenge. Front row viewers moved backwards preparing for a light spraying of cinnamon flavoured saliva. However, to everyone’s surprise three people completed the challenge with only two coughing up spicy dust. The champion was the Subway winner Paddy Walsh who said: “I just closed my eyes and swallowed. I imagined it was something pleasant and went to a happy place.”
4.news
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
SCAN shows new recycling ways By Kate Dewey
Last Thursday Newcastle University held their Refreshers’ Fair at the Student’s Union. Societies hosted stalls to re-advertise after the initial Freshers’ Fair in September. Student Community Action Newcastle (SCAN) held a stall to encourage sustainable living, healthy eating and reducing food mileage. Their stall gave out ‘Courier Pots’ in which herb seeds were planted within a pot that was made of newspapers donated by The Courier. Students who signed up to SCAN were entered into a draw to win their own ‘basil growing hedgehog’, SCAN’s project manager for their allotments, the initiatives aimed to promote recycling and to encourage students to grow their own produce. The biodegradable newspaper pots are an economical solution to growing seeds by using a few strips of the newspaper. They are also energy efficient as the paper serves to retain the water and the biodegradable newspaper provides nutrients for the growing plant. The paper pots last between six and eight weeks and afterwards, the seedlings can be transferred into the ground or into another planter. SCAN’s Student Eats allotments are available to all Newcastle students who wish to volunteer and help grow their own organic foods with the intention of showing people how to live in as environmentally friendly a way as pos-
sible. Red Kellie, a project manager for SCAN, said that volunteers are currently busy sowing seeds. More information is available on SCAN’s webpages on the Newcastle Students’ Union website. Jon Pickering oversees the maintenance of the allotments and has great aspirations for the project. He hopes that the allotments will harvest enough produce to be able to sell the goods in the Students’ Union shop and in vegetable boxes that can be ordered. The University’s Bistro restaurants have also expressed an interest. Jon also aims “The Biodeset up a blog gradable pots to which will proare an ecovide information nomical solu- concerning how grow healthy, tion to growing to organic food and seeds” to live more economically. In December SCAN held their first Christmas market which Red Kellie plans to make a regular event. Red states the overall aim for SCAN as being to enable students “to access reasonably priced fruit and vegetables” that are healthy and organic. However, despite three hundred people signing up at the Freshers’ Fair, the shortage of staff means that the allotments cannot reach their full potential. SCAN encourages anyone willing to get involved to contact Jon whose details are on their web page.
POTTERING AROUND: students being shown how to make the ‘Courier Pots’ Image: James Simpson
“A major disadvantage” Continued from front page “Having a swimming pool would encourage more people into the club from beginner level, but also could increase the club’s and University’s capacity to host elite athletes from all aquatic sports. The lack of facilities put us at a
heated adequately. The air temperature and changing facilities are quite poor and not very suitable for a large university swimming and water polo squad.” Nicola Powley, water polo captain, said: “As someone who played water polo before university, Newcastle not
“I have worked on tours during open days and nearly everyone asks about a pool and are discouraged when you say that we don’t have one” major disadvantage in gaining these talented individuals, and in nurturing our own talent in pools which are too small, too shallow or time limited due to cost.” As well as sports teams’ concerns about lack of facilities, amateur swimmers have also expressed their confusion over the proposed plans for the Richardson Road site. Victoria Armstrong, a second year law student and regular swimmer, said: “I don’t understand why Northumbria have better facilities than us, surely this will jeopardize our chances in Stan Calvert and BUCS? We’re a top university and people who I’ve spoken to all agree that Newcastle is missing a huge element to make it a fantastic University: a pool.” Annalise Byrne spoke of how the lack of swimming facilities at the university affected her decision-making when choosing universities: “It would be really advantageous to not only the swim teams but the University as a whole to have a pool on site. “The only disadvantage to Newcastle when I was choosing Universities was the fact it didn’t have a swimming pool.” Treasurer of the swimming and water polo club, she also explained how the external facilities they currently have to use are not up to standard. “It is not
having a pool was a con when deciding when to go. As for playing whilst at university - we now have to arrange pool time around Northumbria, school and public sessions which isn’t ideal for training or games as we are stuck with the worst sessions and have to cancel training when its half terms. “Also I have worked on sports centre tours on the University open days and nearly everyone asks about a pool and to see it and they are discouraged when you say that we don’t have one and that sports centre membership doesn’t include access to any pool. It’s very hard to attract new people to the sport when we don’t have the facilities as it doesn’t seem that we are serious about the sport and training. It’s also hard to compete against teams that have good facilities within their university that they get free access to with being part of the clubs, especially since they attract top class athletes due to being able to provide these facilities.” The City Pool was closed in March 2013, as part of Newcastle City Council’s £100 million budget cuts, despite efforts from a campaign group. They allowed the City of Newcastle Amateur Swimming Club to continue training until the end of their season, but the pool has now been drained.
The Courier
news.5
Monday 10 February 2014
SU elections set to sweep campus By George Sandeman Editor The countdown to the Students’ Union sabbatical officer elections are well under way with publicity starting on campus this week. The annual spring elections are the largest the SU holds because they elect the six people charged with running the multimillion pound organisation for the next academic year. The six positions up for grabs are: • • • • • •
President Education Officer Welfare & Equality Officer Activities Officer Athletic Union Officer Editor of The Courier
This team of six sit on the trustee board of the SU as well as representing student views, along with part-time officers, to the university and the local community. Any student can run to be an officer and if elected will receive a full-time salary and comprehensive training as well as the wealth of experience and skills learnt on the job. In the first of a three part series, here are two profiles of this year’s sabbatical officer team. Nominations close on February 24 at 10am with voting open on March 10. See nusu.co.uk/elections for more details.
President
Editor
Name: Calum Mackenzie
Name: George Sandeman
Nickname: ‘Glorious Leader’ Course: History & Politics
Nickname: ‘Go home’ Course: Politics
Halls: St. Mary’s Campaign: ‘Dancing in the moonlight... but with stripping’
Halls: Ricky Road Campaign: ‘Anchorman... but with Super Mario and Rick Astley’
Likes: PNE, CCTV, The West Wing Dislikes: ITV2, meat, short corner
Likes: The news, Arsenal, caffeine Dislikes: Salad, Spurs, e-mails
Man crush: Ryan Gosling Can be found: Gliding over astro
Man crush: Piers Morgan Can be found: The Courier office
Drink: Diet coke and Charmaine Food: Houmous, bread
Drink: Cheap coffee Food: Anything in NUSU
Dance move: Shoulder roll Flatmate type: Washing-up?
Dance move: Foot stomp Flatmate type: Never there
Dress sense: Ralph Lauren, obvs Often overheard: “This one time, at hockey...”
Dress sense: Primarni Often overheard: “Why don’t we do an F.O.I. on...”
Why you should run: Lots of responsibility and you get to be a student for another year.
Why you should run: Being a sabb is the most unique, challenging and enjoyable job you can find.
6.news
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
£17 million spent on student digs By Antonia Velikova New accommodation will be available to more than 200 students this September in Upper Ouseburn. The product is undertaken by leading North East property development company Adderstone Group and is priced at approximately £17 million. The project, called Union Square, will result in a 228-bed apartment block on Stoddart Street in Upper Ouseburn. Development is set to be completed sometime this summer and according Ouseburn has to Adderstone Group, the new some of the site will be able to coolest bars welcome its first influx of residents and September restaurants in in 2014. A showing the city of a full-furnished flat will take place on 12 March. The building is planned to spread across 68,168 sq. ft. comprising of ushaped blocks of flats with a central courtyard, which will be the central communal space for residents of the accommodation. There will also be car parking facilities, an on-site laundry, and secure storage space for bicycles. The flats themselves will include 146 studios with fully furnished kitchenettes and 15 flats with a central kitchen, accommodating between three and six people. There will also be attention paid
to ensuring the best security which will include CCTV, 24 hour security / concierge and digital access entry systems. “Newcastle is now acknowledged worldwide as a student city and education is one of the city’s best exports,” commented Ian Baggett, founder and Chairman of Adderstone Group. “In our experience, the upper Ouseburn Valley ticks all the boxes as a place to live for both students and young professionals. It has some of the coolest bars and restaurants in the city and is within easy walking distance of both Universities.” Adderstone Development Surveyor Rachel McNutt, manager of the Union Square project, described the market research process in detail. According to statistics, the number of full-time HE students in Newcastle currently tops 40,000. She said: “The scheme will ensure a great boost for North East economy and it will provide very welcome high-quality, purpose-built accommodation for the city’s expanding student population.” As it turns out, students had key requirements in the features of their accommodation, mostly including highspeed Internet connection, intelligently designed living spaces, and quality fixtures and fittings. Having been named number one student city in the UK, Newcastle suffers greatly from a lack of accessible accommodation for all university students. Bookings are already being taken through Exchange Residential.
TOON CRIBS: Union Square on Stoddard Street will house 200+ students. Image: Adderstone Group
The Courier
news.7
Monday 10 February 2014
‘iPod in head’ case furthers research New research has revealed that certain people suffering from hearing loss are still able to perceive music, in the form of ‘musical hallucinations’. Sufferers of this extremely rare condition persistently experience music, as if hearing it through their ears, when no music is actually being played. Working alongside University College London, scientists from Newcastle’s Institute of Neuroscience have successfully identified the parts of the brain involved in creating these hallucinations. Through looking in depth at one sufferer of the condition, 69 year old Sylvia,
she discovered that her hallucination was identical to Gilbert and Sullivan’s HMS Pinafore. Initially, she found the sensation irritating and disruptive to her sleep, but found that by playing her own music, she was able to change the hallucination to whichever song she was playing. She described as being like an iPod inside of her head. When we hear normally, there are brain areas that deal with the acoustic information and ‘higher areas’ which try to interpret the sensory information, based on previous experience. Speaking to The Courier, Newcastle’s Professor Sukhbinder Kumar explained that in Sylvia’s case, these higher areas
they have been able to pinpoint the underlying brain processes involved. The new findings have provided greater insight into the phenomena and may lead to potential treatments in the future. Sylvia’s hearing had been gradually deteriorating, until she suddenly experienced acute hearing loss, which was followed by severe tinnitus (a more common type of auditory hallucination, affecting around 10% of the population, whereby high pitched tones or buzzing sounds are perceived). In time, Sylvia began to recognise what she was ‘hearing’ and due to her prior music knowledge, was able to write it down in notation. Incredibly,
are not constrained by incoming sensory information and can therefore “run without control”. This means the brain can produce “precepts which are not there” – a musical hallucination. The research team were able to manipulate Sylvia’s hallucinations, by playing external pieces of music. Certain pieces were found to suppress the hallucinatory effect. Whilst these were being played, the team were able to monitor Sylvia’s brain processes and gain a better understanding of what was happening. Dr Kumar explains: “when external music is playing, the signal entering her brain is much stronger which constrains the aberrant communication occurring
By Katy Turner
She found that by playing her own music, she was able to change the hallucination to any song
PERCEPTION ISN’T REALITY: Musical hallucination perceives music when none is playing. Image: jwriddle during hallucinations”. Leader of the study, Professor Tim Griffiths, adds: “It might be possible to disrupt this abnormal communication
between brain areas using brain stimulation or pharmacological treatments”. Although hearing aids are currently being used to help minimise hallucina-
tions, the team are optimistic that they will find a way of stopping them altogether. A larger study is being planned to investigate the condition further.
8.nationalstudentnews
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
NEWS STACK Neck-lecture turns heads
THREE STRIKES, ALL OUT?: Trade union members protesting unequal pay. Image: Emily Keen
Job Title: Freelance Translator Employer: Papillon Translations Closing date: None given Salary: To be confirmed. Basic job description: Papillon Translations is a multilingual translation service looking to expand their pool of translators. You will be expected to go through a short assessment, (approx. 600 words) into the languages you wish to be considered for. Person requirements: Intelligent multilingual proactive individuals who can work well on their own and are able to work outside of regular work patterns and meet tight deadlines Willingness to communicate ideas and issues quickly and be self-reliant. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne. Job Title: Maths Tutor Employer: Kenton School Closing date: None given Salary: £15.00 per hour Basic job description: You will be required to provide one-to-one/small group tutoring to Kenton School GCSE maths pupils. Relevant training will be provided. Hours can be arranged to suit needs of applicants from a minimum of 1 hour per week Person requirements: Currently studying a maths degree. Punctual, proactive, and able to communicate effectively with our pupils. No adverse criminal record which would affect suitability to work with young people. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Part Time Campus Representative Employer: Customer Services PLC Closing date: 03/03/2014 Salary: £7.00 per hour (plus holiday uplift) Basic job description: Working flexibly around your studies, you will be responsible for keeping our profile high on your campus, promoting our campaigns throughout the year, and assisting with the organization of presentations and other events as appropriate. Person requirements: Ideally we are looking for someone who can identify with our target recruits, and so a similar profile to our graduate scheme intake is desirable. Further information available on the Careers Service Website. Location: Newcastle University Job Title: Sales/Promotional Assistant Employer: Jsoft Solution Limited Closing date: None given
Salary: £6.19-£7.50 per hour (plus commission) Basic job description: Jsoft is currently looking for outgoing, articulate, sales minded individuals for our leading telecom client. You will be involved in the promotion of our client’s product in different venues such as high streets, shopping centres, stations etc. This role will be highly focused on promoting and selling the product at the same time in the venues. Person requirements: Good Communication Skills with the ability to ability to promptly understand the product knowledge and selling process. Ability to become proficient in selling and to improve performance on an ongoing basis and to be a team player. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Telephone Market Research Interviewer Employer: Explain Closing date: None given Salary: To be confirmed Basic job description: Conduct outbound market research interviews for various clients across a range of sectors and topics. Your role will involve direct contact with a range of audiences including the general public and businesses. Working from a scripted questionnaire, you will be required to follow questions on screen and input the respondent’s comments in real time whilst ensuring the conversation remains on track. Person requirements: A pleasant, polite and courteous telephone manner and excellent communication skills are essential in this role. Good command of the English language, spelling, grammar and keyboard skills are all essential skills for this role. Computer literacy skills are essential as you will be required to use Microsoft Word and Excel. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Virgin Media Brand Ambassador Employer: Campus Industries Closing date: 23/02/2014 Salary: Competitive Basic job description: You will be involved in a sales and marketing campaign, promoting Virgin Media’s packages to your fellow students. The role will provide you with invaluable experience in marketing, lead generation and sales, with full and comprehensive training provided at Virgin Media HQ. Person requirements: We are looking for
confident and social brand ambassadors to represent Virgin Media at their university. Being involved in clubs, societies and have Facebook friends a plenty is advantageous. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Weekend Part Time Fundraiser Employer: Workplace Giving UK Closing date: 01/07/2014 Salary: Commission Based (national minimum wage is always met) Basic job description: We are looking for a Saturday Part Time Fundraiser to visit companies in Newcastle and surrounding areas and talk to employees about charitable giving from pay. This could be a weekly or fortnightly position with occasional week day work if available. All appointments are booked and there is no cold calling. Person requirements: A candidate with a sales background is preferred, must be confident, reliable, organized, friendly and upbeat and well groomed. A clear speaking voice and being fully conversant in English is necessary. Must have own car or good access to public transport links. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience Communications Officer Employer: Percy Hedley Foundation Closing date: Sunday 16th February Salary: £600 bursary Basic job description: The Percy Hedley Foundation employs over 700 staff to help support over 1000 disabled children, young people, adults and their families. The key aim of this placement is to develop and begin to implement a stakeholder communications strategy and associated plans. Placement objectives include: identify all key audiences, identify the best form of communication with each segment and review and update the website, intranet and social media. Person requirements: The successful candidate must have research experience with the ability to develop clear and concise copy for various audiences. You will work with staff and service users of all levels so strong communication skills are essential. Report writing experience and developing online content and social media platforms is required and some experience of working with the media would be an advantage. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne
A Leeds Met student has joined the controversial Neknominate craze by necking a pint in the middle of his lecture. Rob Morrison is seen on video using a vuvuzela and then downing a pint in front of hundreds of students. The student managed to complete the downing of his pint in just seven seconds. Talking about the video, Morrison said: “Due to all the stories in the news about people doing Neknominations in dangerous ways I thought something needed to be done.
I’m downing a pint, no added mixture or disgusting things. It’s no different to what you’d see in pubs up and down the country each weekend.” The craze has created controversy due to its risky nature. Ross Cummins, 22, and Jonny Byrne, 19, both died after being nominated by friends to take up the challenge. Despite the danger the challenge can bring, the craze seems to be spreading worldwide. Morrison said: “My video is a perfect example of how it should be done. Funny, with no risk to me, or anyone around me.”
2014 prospects promising A report has revealed that job prospects are looking more promising for graduates of 2014 than previous years. A poll of 200+ employers by the Association of Graduate Recruiters (AGR) revelaed an expected 10.2 percent rise compared to just a 4.3 percent increase last year. The report also revealed that around 23,000 jobs would be on offer for graduates. Stephen Isherwood, chief executive of the AGR, described the findings as “welcome news”, adding: “There are some sectors - IT and Telecoms, Energy and Banking and Financial Services - looking at
double digit growth for 2014.” However, Isherwood emphasised the importance of remaining focused in exams, saying: “We know that, even through the darkest days of the recession, our members reported unfilled vacancies because they couldn’t find graduates with the right mix of skills and attributes. Graduates need to think carefully about their applications and ensure they understand what a potential employer is looking for.” Research has also revealed Newcastle at 17/100 in the list of HE institutions that the top job firms in the UK target for graduate employment.
Offensive lecturer says sorry A lecturer at Nottingham University has been forced to apologise to students after he called them ‘idiots’ and ‘sem-literature’ on Facebook. Anthony Fisher also branded the Human Resources department ‘a b s o l u t e a s s h o l e s ’. F i s h e r ’s comments have led the University to demand a remark of essays, due to his comments regarding students’ work. Fisher said about one student’s work: “She’s an idiot, as the rest of her “essay” (and I use the word advisedly) confirms.
She also said something about linguistic theory “consummating” towards an understanding of interruption.” He said the points made in her essay were ‘the result of semi-literacy,’ joking: ‘She’s a creative genius.’ The professor also made light of one of his students who suffered from panic attacks. Fisher apologised for his comments by putting the word ‘idiot’ on a projector and remarking: “There’s one idiot in the room, and that’s me.” But his apology was not accepted by the University who called his behaviour “completely unacceptable”.
Images: Anders Adermark, tomylees, Josh Thompson
Anna Templeton
Comment The Courier
.9
Monday 10 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/comment
Comment Editors: Joe Wood and Lydia Carroll Deputy Comment Editor: Victoria Armstrong courier.comment@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Comment
The Valentine’s Day debate As we’re overwhelmed yet again with offers on champagne, chocolate, cuddly toys and romantic meals, Jamie Shepherd and Jonathan Bowen go head to head on whether Valentine’s Day is worth our time and cash
NO
Jamie Shepherd
Okay, so I feel like I have to establish some things first. I’ve never been in a proper relationship with anyone (realistically the longest relationship I’ve ever had with someone was one night... and maybe a little bit in the morning) but I’m not one of those bitter bastards who will stare at happy, lovey-dovey couples from bushes with barbed wire eyes. In fact, I’d actually say I’m a sentimental old soul when it comes to seeing two people in love with each other in a healthy and caring relationship. The best relationships I’ve observed in my friends are the ones where they freely and naturally show their affection without a song and dance. I’m obviously not saying that all you gorgeous couples should go out there and eat each other’s faces in very public places, but really I’m saying that you don’t need a day to show the world just how in love you are. You can do this at any time, through any gesture. On February 14th - in a shower of sickly pink love hearts and bizarrely naked babies with wings on them - society expects every couple to engage in some strangely ritualistic mass Public Display of Affection by offering sacrificial gifts of chocolates, perfumes, and roses to their significant other. It seems that if you’re not going out of your way to buy the most extravagant or sentimental gift for your partner on this completely arbitrary day, you end up labelled as being somehow not committed to the relationship. So shouldn’t we take a lesson from J.Lo when she says her “love don’t cost a thing”?
YES
Valentine’s Day is indeed a special time of year. It allows you to show just how much somebody means to you (or, alternatively, drink the pain away). I have no idea what my girlfriend has bought me this year, but I do know it is worth the pricey sum of thirty pounds. That’s the beautiful thing about Valentine’s Day, it lets you show the special person in your life “I love you this many monies.” Bur V-Day shouldn’t be defended on the grounds of love and affection alone (any lover worth their salt should show their partner this every day.) Do you know what you can’t do every day? Eat an entire Milk tray. Anyone who would argue that we shouldn’t take advantage of the mass consumption of cut-price chocolate is mad. “But Jonathan!’ I hear you cry. “We can’t all have your good looks and charm; I have to spend more on my partner than they do on me!” That is where you are wrong, my friend. You only have to make it look like you spent more. This is what Groupon was invented for. Mrs Bowen is surely in for a treat come the 14th - a “Sterling Silver Diamond Heart Necklace”, £89 worth of love, all for the low, low price of £19.
“We cannot escape our relationship with money”
Image: Sister72 @flikr
Poetry Corner Jonathan Bowen
NO
Of course buying gifts for the people you love is not something you should be ashamed of. In fact, as a student it’s a pretty sweet gesture considering your student loan is barely enough to survive on. What is shameful is how easy it is for you to fall into the corporate brainwashing the big companies suck you into, not just on Valentine’s Day but on any other holiday where you part with valuable cash. Just like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, when those god-awful and essentially uninspired compilations CDs that are marketed as “Perfect for Mum/Dad” are on every ad-break on every channel, the same regimented Valentine’s Day shite is pumped out each year as if by routine. Every cheap and corny Italian restaurant dusts off the “special couple’s menu” from the past few years and cranks up the volume of the Dean Martin compilation they bought especially for Valentine’s Day 2005, while every high street store (even Greggs, for Christ’s sake) bedecks themselves in those disgusting shades of pinky-reds. Thus, the so-called “Romance Industry” rears its sickening head for its annual orgy of consumption, when your affection for your partner is exploited in terms of cold, hard capitalism. The chocolates and the jewellery that we buy every year is in reality a façade for an impersonal, superficial romance that our society cannot escape. We cannot escape our relationship with money and we cannot accept the fact that we are trapped in this unhealthy relationship. The gifts we buy on Valentine’s Day are not out of kindness but as an act of atonement for our love of capitalism.
It started one morning in late January, The world consumed by total psychosis, Pint after pint in styles most unsanitary, And nary a care for liver cirrhosis. By March it had started getting ridiculous, The Prime Minister did a pint of wine, Nominated the Speaker and pulled some ligaments Trying to do the splits during Question Time. But still it went on, the stakes rising ever high’r, Every Facebook log-in came with cold sweat, And then, in scenes reminiscent of The Wire, An Ipswich man died necking a baguette. At this point, a chorus went up, voices shouting, “Won’t someone please think of all the children?” Some set up pickets ‘round off-licences, pouting, For others, the whole thing was bewilderin’.
YES
I’m not sure about the “corporate brainwashing” - I like chocolate and Dean Martin every day of the year. If anything I should thank “The Corporations” for the brainwashing. I can be a bastard all throughout February because I’m “so romantic” (among other adjectives, such as, “sexy”, “muscular”, “buff ” and “totally not fat”) for getting the incredibly lucky lady in my life a few Valentine’s Day presents. Do you have any idea how much of an inconvenience it would be for me to be nice every day of the year? I fail to see how corporate brainwashing that encourages people to buy gifts for each other on set days of the year is a bad thing. It would surely be more beneficial for “The Corporations” (whoever they may be) to try and foster a culture of giving every day. On a serious note; in celebrating V-Day, we are expressing our own needs and desires, not capitalism’s. Most well-adjusted people want to show their loved one how much they care, whether it be buying gifts, or just doing something romantic. But doing so every day would be tiring, and make the practice lose meaning. By dedicating one day a year to something (be it Valentine’s, Father’s or Mother’s Day) we’re setting it apart; making it special for everyone involved. We should really thank “The Corporations” for giving us a dedicated day to show somebody just how much they mean to us. In order to dislike Valentine’s Day you either have to be single, or very poor. If you are either, please contact the Courier Comment Editor Miss Victoria Armstrong - she will be more than happy to help.
Neknominate: An Ode
And so it died out as quickly as it arrived, Except in some parts of rural Devon, Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive,
“In order to dislike Valentine’s Day you either have to be single or poor”
But to be sort of drunk was very heav’n.
Image: krynsky
by Tom Nicholson (age 22 and a half)
10.comment
SOAP BOX
Monday 10 Feburary 2014
The Courier
Blamers: quit your blaming
With the social media sensation that is ‘Neck and Nominate’, criticisms have been raised over its dangers. But are critics justified in their claims?
FLAPPY BIRD Myself and most Smartphone owners across campus/the world have made a new common enemy this week. It’s yellow, looks a bit like a fish, and has stolen hours of our time. The pixelated creature that I just described goes by the name of ‘Flappy Bird’. This mind-numbingly difficult but addictive game simply requires the player to navigate a smug-looking little bird through narrowly-spaced sets of green pipes by carefully tapping their screen (it’s like ‘copter’, but about 1000 times more difficult). Now, if you haven’t heard about it, this all may not sound terribly exciting, but I promise that if you download this game, it will hook you in. At first you will dismiss it as ‘too hard’. However, like me, your flatmate’s taunts about how they’ve ‘got 20’, and ‘know someone that got 100’ will eventually grind you down (I’m serious), and you will succumb to its power. I’m aware that in all likelihood, it’s too late, and that you’re inevitably too busy playing to even read this, but if not, please, please just stick to Temple Run. Adam Martin
Image: Raphipons
TIPS
David Leighton
Tipping at restaurants has for years been considered good old British and American social etiquette. Why is it that we’re programmed to give 10% of our bill to the waiter, whilst, as Mr Pink from Reservoir Dogs asks, you don’t feel the need to tip the people at McDonalds, do you? Even if your kindness did help someone in a difficult financial situation, how would you know that your donation isn’t going to the child of fantastically wealthy parents? Tipping is inherently a very discriminatory business; let’s face it, which’d do better, a Carlos Tevez look-alike or an Avril Lavigne look-alike? Tipping also exacerbates the excuse for restaurant owners to pay their staff inadequately. The Guardian reported a number of waiters in London who were on a basic salary of £0, and the national minimum wage was funded by gratuities. A Japanese restaurant in New York has notified their customers that ‘following the custom in Japan, service staff are fully compensated by their salary. Gratuities are not accepted.’ I look forward to the day we follow the lead of the latter and grow out of this silly tradition. Matthew Corden
RESOLUTIONS
I
’m about to make a statement that might be seen as insensitive or controversial, but being a narcissistic, self-impressed leftie I don’t care, I’m going to anyway. Neck nominations are a bit silly (if not occasionally quite funny), true – but people who claim they’re a ‘killer’ or dangerous are complete and utter turd burgers. Seriously, it’s bloody stupid. At the time of writing a couple of people (perhaps three or four, not all the sources are reliable so it’s hard to tell) have died “due to” neck nominations. This is a notion that is so filled with hot air and codswallop it could ride the express all the way to Crazytown. One victim drowned, one died from bleach poisoning and another mixed a relatively lethal cocktail of drugs. Now this is not to say that, however irresponsible these peoples’ actions were, that their deaths are not tragic. It is, obviously, a terrible shame as any death is and the only reason I’m pointing out such an obvious thing is so people don’t name and shame me as a Neo-Nazi for daring to critique the recently deceased. What I am trying to say is that these people’s
Full extent of the damage caused by recent storms continues to shock
deaths were not caused by neck nominations; they were caused by drowning, bleach and drugs, respectively. So yes, if you want to raise awareness over excessive drinking, or taking drugs/drinking bleach and the dangers of these things, go ahead. But please, please stop blaming neck nomination because it just makes you look like a stupid person.
People who claim they’re a ‘killer’ are complete and utter turd burgers If I crossed the road without looking and was promptly turned to human jam by a bus, I would hope people did not start a campaign demanding all buses to be incinerated because they kill people.
Charles: ‘If you twist them like this you can be sure to have a romping good time’
The bus would not be at fault! It would have been my fault for not looking. Similarly, if I decided to eat a shuriken and subsequently popped my clogs I would not expect a campaign banning all pointy metal things. Idealisation of the dead is going too far. It is perfectly acceptable to mourn and to cry because death is horrendous, and deserving of grief – but considering someone infallible because they are no longer alive is not. Can we really go on being afraid to criticise someone because they are dead? Well, that is more a disservice to someone’s memory than anything I can think of. No one is perfect, and if you believe so you are imagining it. It’s blaming guns instead of shooters all over again. Yes, complain that drinking is dangerous, same with drugs, same with bleach – but if you try and blame deaths on a Facebook fad then you’re being silly, you’re being counter-productive and you’re not doing society any favours either. This is not a nanny state; we are all responsible for our actions. So if I die tomorrow because I tried to tickle a bear, don’t you dare take away my right to make a stupid decision to tickle a bear, because it is my right. In fact, if the world continues to be so bloody stupid I might just decide to do so.
Government unveil £750bn train technology for London to Birmingham High Speed 2 railway
A hearty congratulations to those of you that have kept their New Year’s resolution intact to this day. If we wish to improve ourselves for whatever reason it may be - be it intrinsic or extrinsic - showing the ability to adapt to change is a sign of intelligence (as stated by Stephen Hawking). Merely having the ability to change just one thing in your lifestyle shows strength in that something so indoctrinated in your day to day life can actually be unlearned and overcome for the better. Now I can hear the voices of those realists at the back of the room instinctively as I was and could still go back to being one of them. However, to them I would ask of them to use just a little bit of imagination; for while logic may get you from A to B, ingenuity will take you everywhere. Boy, philosophy reading is coming along well. Lewis Barclay
Image: tomylees
Image: Çatalhöyük
Image: Tom Raftery
Joe Wood
The Courier
comment.11
Monday 10 Feburary 2014
The
Insane in the brain drain
Voice of
Reason
The centralisation of investment and employment in the capital has been dubbed the ‘London brain drain’. Is there a divide between North and South in terms of graduate employment prospects?
Mark Sleightholm
M
uch has been said over the past few years on how difficult it is for graduates to get jobs these days. Even despite our so-called “recovery” there are very few jobs available. Except, of course, in London. The capital has over three times as many graduate vacancies as the North East, suggesting that many of the graduates from Newcastle University will be heading to London in the near future. The North has undergone something of a cultural renaissance in this post-industrial age. The BBC recently moved many of its operations to Salford, and Liverpool was the European Capital of Culture in 2008. Why, then, are there still so few jobs available in the North? More and more young people are leaving the North East, and indeed most of the country, and moving to London. Very few go the other way. Not only does this mean that graduates are very limited in where they can live if they want the best jobs, but it also means that many of the UK’s cities are facing a serious brain drain. To call this a northsouth divide, however, would be a mistake. Not to indulge too much in sweeping generalisations, but in my experience southerners see the
North as a grim and largely unemployed place, compared to the calm, civilised South. To northerners, however, the North-South divide is more about friendliness versus not looking strangers in the eye. Clearly these stereotypes are all widely inaccurate, and often come from people who have rarely ventured out of their half of the country, but there are definitely some differences between the North and the South.
The capital has three times as many graduate vacancies as the North-East region That said, as somebody who grew up in Southampton, one of the southern-most cities in the country, I find it intensely irritating when people use “London” and “the South” interchangeably. The South is a big place. I admit that I probably have been guilty of assuming that the North is all one place, as well, when clearly Newcastle is not the same as, for example, Manchester, or York. Our country is too diverse to be split just into two.
What about the Midlands, for example? The divide is no less complicated when it comes to jobs. Predictably, the South East, while still a long way behind London, has the second highest number of graduate vacancies. So are inhabitants of northern cities right to be angry? The answer is no - whilst jobs are unfairly distributed, the bias is not only against the North. The North West has only slightly fewer jobs than the South East, and the Midlands also perform quite strongly. Therefore this is less of a North-South divide and more of a sort of band reaching from Liverpool to Dover across the middle of the country. The real victims of this uneven spread of jobs are people in the North East, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, East Anglia and the South West - so not just, or all, northerners. I suggest, then, that the North-South divide is not the real issue. The situation would be no better if the majority of jobs were based in Birmingham, or even here in Newcastle. The issue is centralising all development in London. Compared to many countries the UK is astonishingly centralised, and the fact that so many jobs are based in one city is surely a cause for concern. Research consistently suggests that London’s dominance over the British economy is actually increasing, and given the lack of graduate vacancies available elsewhere it is hard to see how this could change any time soon.
VS Image: freefotouk
Image: Warren Chrismas
Bieber fever overload
As Justin Bieber receives yet more publicity for his - ahem - inappropriate behaviour, are we right to condemn him as reckless, or should we simply turn a blind eye to a teenager’s behaviour?
I
Victoria Armstrong
’m sure we’re all aware of the onslaught of media attention that has been devoted to Justin Bieber’s dubious and sometimes criminal activity over the past few weeks. From illegal drag-racing in residential areas to his DUI arrests, the $20,000 worth of criminal damage done when his neighbour’s house was vandalised from Bieber’s residence, the people found in his house in possession of class-A drugs, and the racy pictures released of him licking strippers’ nipples, it’s clear that he’s more than a little cray cray. Now there is a strong body of opinion that basically says ‘so what?’. He is one nineteen year old boy rebelling as all teenagers do (except he has a few more resources at his disposal to aid the destruction). Whilst people have been discussing him and his variety of relatively minor crimes, the situation in Syria has further deteriorated, the global weather in the past month has been basical-
ly drunk, the Argentinian inflation rate is at over 28% and India is still convulsing in issues regarding the rape and ill-treatment of women. And of course there is validity to this point. After all, these things do affect considerably more people and have literally life-altering consequences. That said, it is
It is too easy to simply slate the Bieber incidents as entirely irrelevant
too easy to simply slate the Bieber incidents as entirely irrelevant, regardless of how much wishful thinking there is on the matter. Like it or not (personally I vote not), Bieber has considerable influence in pop culture. He has millions of fans who are often of an impressionable age and who are watching his decline from gener-
ally mildly irritating teenager to an appalling role model who thinks it is acceptable to act as if he is above the law. He has shown no regret regarding any of his activities and his overall attitude is worrying. One can only hope that they do not have any younger siblings who idolise him. Comparatively, Miley Cyrus’ “gone wild” is rather tame, seeing as she still decides to live within the law. Bieber thinks it is alright to objectify women, as shown by his photos with strippers, inconvenience society, as shown when he ordered ‘his people’ to block off public roads for his amusement with drag-racing whilst intoxicated and just be a prat about all of it with his ridiculously wide grin in his mugshots and his waving at fans as he leaves federal facilities. Now of course this is not to say that Bieber is incredibly important. He is not. But we cannot write him off and think it is okay to not criticise his behaviour. People do watch and people do imitate. He should know better and it is important for society to see that we do not accept this sort of behaviour from anyone and his celebrity status is no grounds for exemption.
No. 9: Valentine’s Day
G
reetings to you, my dear followers. You have made it, and, as I’m sure you’ll be happy to notice, so have I. The horrors of New Year’s Eve have been endless, yet here I am safe and sound, nearly a month afterwards, ready to dig my canines into all the idiosyncrasies of today. And, should the odds allow it, a juicy steak. But, hark! Not just yet. For it is another time of terror and dread for all of noble origin. Yes, it is once again the ever-abominable St. Bellend-ine’s Day. Oh - no, hold the cats. Timmons, my manservant, is bringing it to my attention that it is actually St. Valentine’s Day. I fail to understand. Who was this Valentine fellow, and how is he more deserving of a day of his own than, say, a very noble and devilishly handsome pug? In fact, this day, whatever it may be called, is utterly ludicrous. In fact, in my humble opinion, Valentine’s Day should be renamed as Pugs’ Day. Actually … [later] Extensive research and a quick phone call to the Prime Minister - a very good friend of my late father, I should say – revealed that it is indeed impossible to change the day’s name. Oh well. As Timmons often says, “you win some, and some you win later, m’lord”. The point of this ridiculous festivity is still utterly lost to me. From what I have seen on television, males court females by presenting them with stuffed animals, heart-shaped objects, chocolate, perfume, and all other sorts of monstrous things. Bah! Not to mention that it boggles the mind why now, out of all days, is it publicly acceptable to lick other people’s faces, everywhere! Dear neighbours, I can safely say that I am certainly not thrilled to the sight of you getting your tonsils out with your tongues as I take my morning constitution. Kindly cease and desist in this very moment. Do not even get me started on chocolate. Has it ever occurred to you how it must feel to have an object of your utmost desire constantly dangled in your line of sight knowing all the while that a single layer of Milk Tray would mean your demise? It is abhorrent. Timmons keeps blithering on, using words such as “hyperglycaemia”, and “blindness”, and whatnot. Usually I am very tolerant of my man-servant, but in these days, he is behaving like all these other plebs that deserve a good nom on the ankles. Despite all my dismissive allegations for this Day of Mawkish Fraternising (I refuse to call it by its name because it’s moronic) I do not think that love is a concept nonexistent in our society. As much as it pains me to say it, as plebeians and leftists are so often weakened by the sight of beauty, so shall I confess my futility to fight off the power of love when glimpsing fine fur and good Crufts breeding. Whilst I am proud to be the one and only, at times, I do wish I had someone who met my high standards so we could chew and spew on idiots together. However, I shall not weaken myself with such thoughts. In Eastern Europe, a documentary tells me, this day is a celebration of wine. I can use it as an excuse to get Timmons to pop the 1923 Tokay and get perfectly hammered in the name of love – and maybe even share a glass with the good man himself. Chin chin, my favourite lowlifes! Yours,
Pugs
Overheard by Antonia Velikova Illustration by Flora Anderson, heart @ShellyS
Pugs has got a new iPad, and he’s been dictating tweets to his manservant Timmons. Follow him on Twitter at @LaVoiceofReason
12.lifestyle
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith
Blind date: Annie Lord
RAG Take Me Out edition Ben Sanders, 3rd Year Accounting and Finance meets Kathy Davidson, 3rd Year Ancient History and Archaeology
Stage fright #5
B
efore September I watched far too many coming of age films centred on soul searching students, which led me to believe that University life is a Mecca of threesomes and sexual exploration. And it probably is, but not in block 27. It would appear, at first encounter, that I am living among a new generation of sexual lotharios. There are condoms all over the place, we have a ‘penis of fortune’ - whatever the hell that is - and we have one of those charts documenting everyone’s sexual encounters. However the reality is that I am housemate to a generation of boys within whom immaturity is taking its last feeble breath. Despite openly squirming at pictures of vaginas, they undoubtedly know over 100 different terms for it, including a ‘salami garage.’ They also have ridiculously high standards for the opposite sex, dismissing any female who has any hair below her eyebrows. They lust after the unattainable, thus it appears that they will only be happy when they are dating a mix between a blow up sex doll and their mothers. Despite this, the boys have experienced some successes. One male flatmate slept with another flatmate’s friend, resulting in the shortest walk of shame known to man when at 5 in the morning she shuffled 3 meters from one room to the next. The only sign of the event came at breakfast when he slyly nudged her shoes a few feet away from his door. Similarly, after some drunken boasting it has become common knowledge that at 2:30 everyday two of my other housemates have a mid-afternoon bang.
“There are condoms all over the place, we have a ‘penis of fortune’ - whatever that is” These rare successes mean that I experience the fall out from the disastrous consequences of being part of one of the most incestuous ‘families’ in Newcastle. This became abundantly clear on our block night out to Riverside. In which, after consuming a few too many trebles at Chase, the night ended at 12.30 with everyone too drunk to stand yet somehow sober enough to get involved in a sort of twisted kissing orgy. Only a few lucky souls made it into their own bed with the majority joining in a spoon train under Matt’s duvet. My night took a turn for the worse when I wandered out of my room into the living area wearing nothing but a towel, which I then proceeded to drop when cooking a toastie. After that I called it a night. I’m not sure what is sadder: the fact that I dropped my towel in front of my flatmates, or that their only response was to ask me to bring over the sweet chilli sauce. Within this group of boys I experience all the worst parts of a relationship. We have skipped the advantages of sexual favours and gone straight to the sexless marriage. Chris constantly cups my boob, not out of passion, but just because he can. The boys also seem to think it’s okay to parade around in boxers, leaving a permanent image of their ball sack in my head when I speak to them. Despite how annoying it is living with these boys, the relationship I have with them is the best relationship I have ever had. They don’t get annoyed when I don’t shave my legs, or get embarrassed about the time I fell over in Tasty Jacks and rolled around with my knickers out. They were even there to comfort me when I slumped on the chair in my room, crying in my underwear about men. So maybe, just maybe, my annoyance at them is purely based on the fact that I am the one who really needs a bang.
Why did you want to do Take Me Out? I got asked. I also thought I’d be a suitable candidate and I’d definitely get a date because I’m such a nice guy. Why did you keep your light on for Kathy? Well, I turned it off originally because I’d already slept with her best mate, but then I panicked as she was the second to last girl. What is your usual type and how did Kathy compare? Has boobs? So yeah, she fit the type. What are her best and worst features? Worst: I’d already slept with her best mate so I was worried she’d got some negative feedback Best: She has boobs and was friendly. Is there any gossip or awkward moments from the night? She licked my nipple backstage which was nice, oh... then I took her home after Sinners.
“I’d already slept with her best mate” Are you looking forward to a second date? Yes, we’re going to As You Like It so it’ll be a nice change from Sinners.
Why did you want to do Take Me Out? My friend dropped out and I was willing to embarrass myself for charity. Why did you choose Ben? He took his top off and did an impression of Kim Kardashian in the video for ‘Bound 2’, so I couldn’t really say no. What is your usual type and how did Ben compare? I usually go for tall, dark rugby players. Ben was tall. What are his best and worst features? Best: He’s funny. Worst: He has a selection of sweatpants that he gives out to conquests. In a way it’s nice that he doesn’t want it to look like we’re doing a walk of shame, but it’s strange to think we all own a Ben Sanders conquest uniform. Is there any gossip or awkward moments from the night? I got caught licking his nipple backstage and then we both went to Sinners but neither of us remember it.
“I couldn’t bring him home... He’d try and sleep with my mum” Where will you be going on your second date? As You Like it in Jesmond.
Shag, marry or push off a cliff ? Well since I’ve already shagged her, I’d say shag again.
Shag, marry or push off a cliff ? Quite a few girls want to push him off a cliff.
Would you let her meet your family? Yeah, as a friend.
Would you let her meet your family? No, he’d embarrass me and probably try and sleep with my mum.
Why do you think she’s single? Because she wants to be. Rate yo’ date 9 - it loses a point because the only things I remember are because of videos. Finish the sentence: “Let the chickpea meet the...” Falafel?
Why do you think he’s single? It’s very obvious, he likes to play the field. I don’t even know if he is single? I don’t know if I’d even know. Rate yo’ date A solid 8 Finish the sentence: “Let the snail meet the...” Oyster?
Culture The Courier
.13
Monday 10 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/culture
Caleb Jones
3rd year Geography Why did you agree to take part in Take Me Out? I felt it would be a critical moment in my university career. Some would call it looking for love, some would call it looking for fun - I’d argue that I’m a hedonistic man.
Culture Editor: Sam Summers Sections: Lifestyle, Fashion, Beauty, Arts, Music, Film, TV and Science courier.culture@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierOnline
Amy Macauley
3rd year Media & Communications Was it nerve-wracking being on stage in front of everyone? Yes, I was absolutely terrified I’d get slagged off, but once the champagne came out backstage and a round of waterfall started the nerves melted away.
Why did you keep your light on for Amy? I’ve always had a thing for the Irish beauty who seemed to share the same hedonistic tendencies as myself, so it was an offer I couldn’t refuse.
Why did you keep your light on for Caleb? To be honest even if I wasn’t on Take Me Out I would have gone on a date with Caleb due to his infamous blind date ‘Spiderman kiss’ experience.
What’s your usual type and did she fit it? My type is pretty, petite, usually with dark eyes, so Miss Macauley had two out of three.
So there wasn’t anything he did in particular that won you over? Well I particularly loved the guitar... so much in fact that my drunk alter ego decided it was a good idea to slut drop to it. Beyoncé watch out, a drunk Irish girl is after your crown.
Best/worst features? Her best feature is her love for fun and spontaneity . Oh and her dazzling blue eyes. Her worst feature is she went home with someone else on the night, and she has a lust for power. When are you going for your real date? We’re going to Nando’s tomorrow - classy. Snog, shag or marry? Shag. Would you let him meet your mum? Yes I think they’d love her! Why do you think he is single? She was in a relationship for ages so I suppose now she wants to have some fun. Marks out of 10? 8 Finish this sentence…let the something see the… Let the Shaggy meet the Scooby.
Emil Franchi 3rd year History
Why did you keep your light on for Hannah? Me, Alex and Ben agreed that we were going to stay as long as possible and I thought, why not. I was quite drunk but the sex voice impressions she did were entertaining. What’s your usual type and did they fit it? I don’t really have a type, apart from that I prefer brunettes. Best/worst features? I liked her dress sense and the fact that she wasn’t afraid to be herself - particularly when she shouted the words ‘tits’ and ‘vagina’ during Caleb’s guitar performance. Her worst feature was that she cruelly told me I had clammy disgusting hands. Was there any gossip or awkward moments between you two? We got together backstage and I serenaded her with my guitar. But then she had to go home because she was too drunk. Snog, shag or marry? We’ve already snogged so I’d say shag please. Would you let her meet your mum? Yeah probably, because anyone who’s not shy will get on with my mother. Why do you think she is single? Because she’s too busy looking for 6ft tall rugby players, but now she’s seen that there’s room for change. Marks out of 10? 8 Finish this sentence…let the something see the… Let the chicken see the hut.
Since you already know Caleb quite well, what would you say are his best and worst qualities? Best - not taking things too seriously and making sure everyone’s having a great time. But apparently he didn’t change his bedsheets for 2 years until his mum changed them so I’m going to have to say hygiene for worst. Sorry, Caleb.
5
reasons why your cat is better than your other half
1 They are cuter and fluffier than any human, aside from those creepy furless Voldemort cats. They aren’t so nice.
So I guess if things get kinky, he’ll be coming back to yours rather than the other way around? Well there’s actually a rumour going round that we had sex in the disabled toilets after Take Me Out which is not true. What actually happened was that Caleb tied us together so we wouldn’t lose each other and we went for a joint wee. If the two of you were on the Isle of Fernando’s for the day, what would you do? We’d probably be on the cocktails already and be having some sort of sand/ water fight.
3
Marks out of ten? 8
Hannah Linken 3rd year French, Chinese and Management
Why did you keep your light on for Emil? I knew one of the guys already so I didn’t want to have my light on for him, so Emil was the only one left. What’s your usual type and did they fit it? I usually go for rugby players who are tall and blonde with blue eyes…so Emil definitely isn’t my usual type! Best/worst features? I’d say his worst feature is that he sometimes got distracted and ignored me. But on the other hand he’s really funny and talented – he serenaded me onstage. Was there any gossip or awkward moments between you two? Well we did have a cheeky canoodle backstage... Snog, shag or marry? Well we’ve already snogged a bit so we’ll go for that. Would you let him meet your mum? Yeah probably, I reckon she’d like him better than some of my previous boyfriends since a lot of them have been bad boys. Why do you think he is single? I guess he’s very busy so he doesn’t have a lot of time for ladies. Marks out of 10? 9.5 Finish this sentence…let the something see the… Let the nut see the spanner.
Cats don’t leave the toilet seat up, though if they do you could make some money as they’re obviously very skilled cats.
2 They don’t leave their whiskers all over the sink/ fur all over the shower. Thus, they are more hygienic than most of the student population in general.
Only the very fattest cats snore. And even then, you don’t have to endure the monotonous tune in your ear every single night. Just on special occasions.
5
Falook Gilco
4
Cats won’t judge you if you listen to Beyoncé/watch porn err day. They may not like it but they certainly can’t judge. They spend most of their time licking themselves
1 very good reason to not choose your cat this V-day A cat can’t provide the goods like a gentleman caller/lady friend can. You can scratch their back but they sure as hell can’t scratch yours. Soz. Words by Hazel Parnell and Evie O’Sullivan Photos: Adriano Makoto Suzuki and Charlene McBridge
14.lifestyle
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith
How should you spice up your Valentine’s Day? Ways to awaken your inner Saint Valentine Evie O’Sullivan and Hazel Parnell
Are you:
One half of a whole?
A single pringle?
A wizz in the kitchen or a freak in the sheets?
A Carrie or a Charlotte?
Sexy food
1.
Consume only love-heart shaped sweets and chocolate covered delicacies for the Valentine’s period. This consumption is key to obtaining said Valentine’s spirit.
2. Smile - because Cupid dictates it must be so and Cupid’s word is final. 3. For all the couples, ensure you keep to the rubric. The formula being: eight Facebook pic-
tures, three Tweets and at least two Instagram snaps for every romantic moment you manufacture. The public cannot be made to wait.
4. Adhere to the fact that there is no limit to the amount of hearts and flowers you can incor-
porate into your attire on this day. If it’s squidgy, smelly, or pink, it’s going on your head, or in your bed. No exceptions.
5. If bored, lonely, sad, or horny, buy more sweets and mould a human out of it. This en-
deavour is sure to provide you with a practical way to keep your hands busy. Food coma over a tumble in the dark, any day.
6.
Find a willing or naive participant and create your own ‘meet-cute’. Record it, post it on YouTube, and become famous overnight. The more public the location, the better.
Charlotte York
We all know the fastest way to someone’s heart is through their stomach. This is the perfect way to pleasure your partner, especially if you struggle on the bedroom front. Oysters, almonds and asparagus are just a few aphrodisiacs to get your juices flowing. Likewise, lads, avocado will reduce your chances of shrinking away from your duties, if you get what I mean.
Yummy food
Yummy sex
Carrie Bradshaw
Dream date: The rampant rabbit
What else would the Charlottes of the world ever pick? As a singleton you can spend your Valentine’s alone but feeling oh-oh-oh-so good. As someone’s significant other you get the tingle of Jessica’s touch along with the thrill of an audience. Let your partner sit back, relax and enjoy the view. Your job has never been so easy.
Picnic in the park
Skydiving
How needy are you both?
7.
Eat copious amounts of oysters and various other forms of aphrodisiacs in a bid that the scent will draw passers-by in. When in doubt, think fish, and lots of it.
8. For all those feeling somewhat left out in the cold; girls, get your bullet out of your sock drawer, and boys be sure to rest your hand during the day in order to prepare for a rigorous post-dinner fondle. Feed the beast. Choke the chicken. Play with little Johnny. Whatever floats your boat, really.
9.
Or if this day, thankfully, does not transform you into an overly sexualised or love-deprived sop, just be happy you won’t be busting the bank on prezzies or needing a trip to the Newcroft centre. Silver linings and all that.
We have our own space
50 Shades of Grey “Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I have been here. Only me. You are mine.” Like our main gal Carrie B., you are often between loves, finding comfort in your mates and in the written word. Look no further than 50 Shades to keep you warm this Valentine’s night. Even better, it’s a trilogy, so there’s three times the fun.
Blindfold Adventurous and free-spirited, you are enthralled by the idea of diving into the unknown. As one sense is muted all the rest are heightened. Get some feathers, chocolate and John Legend blasting to make this an entire out of body experience.
Forever together
Handcuffs A little bit needy or prone to fiery bouts of jealousy, you are the couple who never wants to say good-bye. Handcuffs (fluffy pink or red-hot leather) are perfect for the insecure lover in you. By Katie Smith
The Courier
lifestyle.15
Monday 10 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/lifestyle c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Life
How to tell if you’re the couple that everybody hates The ‘drunk and disorderlies’
The ‘I-to-we transformation’
There really is nothing worse than that one couple who continuously argue on nights out. The couple that spend the whole night bickering in the corner of the club. Sometimes you’ll catch them crying in-between trying to kiss each other, and they will inevitably get a taxi home at 1a.m. for endless “make- up sex”- thus reclaiming the love that was ever prominent, pre-night out.
The couple who assume that all things come in twos. The couple who thinks that everyone is inviting the pair of them to every social event. The couple that have matching onesies. Yes, you know the type. The sad reality is, their happiness can be utterly nauseous for all unfortunate onlookers. This new “we” turns up to predrinks and spends the entirety of the night sat in the corner drunkenly nibbling at each other’s ears- or, even worse, upstairs in a bathroom/bedroom. In short, they are not to be trusted or put up with.
Dat Shit Cray #5 The ‘Facebook status couple’ Everyone knows that one couple who feel the need to share everything on Facebook/ Twitter/ Instagram (or even worse, all three forms of social media). The couple that “check-in” in each others beds; “snuggles with the boyf in bed - feeling loved”, when really, I bet she’s thinking: ‘God, I hope he doesn’t try to enter me whilst Jeremy Kyle is on’. The fact that noone likes these posts should be a good indicator not to do it. But alas, they learn not.
The ‘over-sharers’ Whether it be on purpose or “by accident”, some couples seem to think it is appropriate to subject various friends and / or housemates to intimate details about their sex lives. This type of detail is never welcome; especially not at the breakfast table.
“...We are all really happy for you that the Karma Sutra DVDs are finally paying off and that you managed to sustain a five hour orgasm; but please leave my Cheerios out of it” Nobody should be subjected to lectures on “what we find works best”, open discussion about between-the-sheets activity or frequent “I’m having such a good time” noises through the bedroom wall. Just no.
The ‘lecture/library couple’ Keeping it in the course can always be a step too far, but hand holding, giggling and love-notes in lectures is frankly unacceptable. The same couple might be found “revising” with each other in Robbo, one of few distractions that nobody welcomes come exam time. Keep ya smoochin’ behind closed doors please. By Ella Hughes and Jennifer Cook
Best things to dip in chocolate this Valentine’s Day 1. Fondue Strawberries, grapes, marshmallows, biscuits, chunks of cake; you name it, it’s going in. Have fun using chopsticks or forks to feed your beloved pieces of chocolate coated loveliness, and when you run out of things to dip, you can always use your fingers…or other body parts if so willing.
Max Suvorov
2. Meat and chocolate Meat and chocolate might sound like an odd little combination, but it surprisingly works like a treat. Chocolatey bacon or chocolatecoated steak could be the perfect way to arouse your man or your woman. I’m sure they will repay you for the treat later.
3. Single ladies Make a boyfriend out of fruit to keep you company for the night. Pop a satsuma, or some grapes either side of his banana for a more realistic effect and gauge him in chocolate. Let’s face it, it will probably taste better than the real thing anyway.
5. Cheeky and chilli 4. Single boiz Carrying on the banana theme, a sweetie girlfriend can help pass the time. Haribo fried eggs dipped in chocolate make an interesting alternative to actual boobs; perhaps not the most satisfying treat, but surely entertaining. For those blessed with a real walking-talking girlfriend, see if she will let you dip her nipples in chocolate. Worth a punt.
Word on the street is that some boys may be willing to try dipping their private spheres into luke warm chocolate… good luck with that one. Or, if feeling more adventurous still, experiment with chillies. Just be careful when using them on sensitive regions. By Alice Fishman
A
h Valentine’s Day, a day of love and passion, roses and kisses, and all things cute and cuddly in the world. Ugh please I feel sick just thinking about it. The truth is I hate Valentine’s Day, it is the one day of the year that I am reminded that it sucks to be single. I have never had a girlfriend and nor do I intend to until I am in my late twenties/early thirties/ pushing forties. My mother is particularly bad at reminding me of this fact on Valentine’s Day, with the constant question of “Why don’t you get yourself a girlfriend?”, as for my step-father, well he gave up on me a while ago and probably thinks I am gay (which I am not for those wondering). A girlfriend is not an accessory that you can just go out and buy, show her off to your friends and put her back in the sock draw after you’re done. NO, a good relationship requires three main elements: time, effort and commitment. Frankly I am too selfish to commit to anyone but myself and I am just too lazy to put in the time or the effort. But why should I put in all this time and effort? And why should anyone? We have our married lives to put in time, effort and commitment; eventually we will all find that special someone, get married, have children, get bored with the person we are with and either engage in an extramarital affair, get a divorce or end up wishing our partner would die before we do.
“...A girlfriend is not an accessory that you can just go out and buy, show her off to your friends and put her back in the sock drawer after you’re done” At our young age, where we can meet new people every day, and where we are surrounded by new and exciting opportunities, I think we should all try new things, explore a little! Unshackle yourselves from the dull and cumbersome chains of relationships and explore the wonderful world of being a sexually-liberated singleton. But if you have found the perfect other who makes your heart rate increase and gives you a strange sensation in the pit of your stomach, then I envy you, and I hope that you treat them right, because someone like that is a rare find, and some of us have been searching for a long time and are still searching. If you are single, like me, then on Valentine’s day you will probably end up curled up in bed by yourself, sobbing over a tub of Ben and Jerry’s and wondering why the hell you are still single. As for the couples, be warned relationships don’t always last, so make the best of the time you have left, put in the time and the effort, keep the spark of passion glowing and try new things together. Your confidante, Maxim Suvorov.
This issue is dedicated to the memory of Lawrence ‘LeBron’ Buckingham, 1992 - 2014. May he find the peace in death that he could never find in life.
16.fashion
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Fashion Editors: Frances Stephenson and Amy O’Rourke Deputy Fashion Editor: Bex Finney
My week in fashion
How to wear monochrome
Hannah Fitton gives us a step-by-step guide to pulling off this season’s monochrome look 0
£5 S O
Frances Stephenson
I
f your new years resolution to get fit for 2014 has already fallen by the wayside, try spicing up your gym kit in order to provide motivation to haul your ass to the cross trainer. Unlike the cardinal fitness fanatic sin of make up to the gym, I think it’s essential to have cute work out clothes in order to have any motivation to get to the gym at all. That said, Sport Luxe is such a massive look at the moment, I’m tempted to bring this look into the everyday and pretend I’m going to the gym but really just going for the comfort. Gone are the days when it is acceptable to turn up to the gym in your oldest sweats, misshapen pyjama-esque tees reminiscent of Ross in his ‘Frankie Says Relax’ crop top. The 21st Century gym goer is a much more classy beast. Think classic sports leggings with jazzy vintage sweats. When I work out, the thought I look halfway respectable makes me peddle faster…honestly. Mixing the tight with the baggy creates an attractive silhouette for you to experiment with, in order to incorporate the more eccentric pieces of your wardrobe that are reserved purely for festivals and ill advised (often alcohol fuelled) last minute choices. For example, my mum’s cropped bright pink Reebok three quarter length jumper is completely inappropriate for anywhere other than the gym, but I like to think that it brightens up other gym goers day to see me- a sweaty wannabe gym bunny- in a neon pink vintage sweater, trying to be cool in an otherwise completely out of my depth situation. Doing it right at the gym in terms of what to wear is just about striking the right balance between feeling comfortable and slightly outrageous. Use it as the perfect playground to trial run the more bizarre items of your wardrobe, trust me no one will really be paying you any attention. Jumper - The Yesterday Society Trainers - New Balance
s on t a He
AS
8 £1
5
£3 OS
AS
55
£ nd a l s rI
e Riv
W
hen it comes to wearing the colour white people are afraid. The fears of what to wear it with, can it only be worn in summer with a tan and will it wash me out start to surface. Personally, I believe that white is an extremely versatile colour and that every wardrobe should possess the simple plain white tee-shirt. It can be used to dress down evening wear by wearing it underneath a going out dress or tucked into a high waisted leather skirt. A look I favour is wearing it with a pair of silk black baggy trousers to create a monochrome effect, and worn with one of the accessories above it can be transformed
for any occasion. Statement necklaces have been popular for a number of years and it is almost guaranteed that you own one. Worn day or night they are perfect for brightening up a white tee-shirt as they come in a range of colours, and also the different styles such as tribal and masculine mean that they can really alter your look. This one from Asos has a chunky chain and beautiful gem stones that really compliment the outfit. A good handbag is necessary for enlivening this simple look. Currently envelope style clutches are very popular, Whistles spear headed this style but a
more affordable option is this navy and white clutch by Asos. Box style bags are also sought after this season and would be more appropriate to wear with this outfit in the day time than the clutch, Asos also do well here as they have a large range of different styles. I have paired this outfit with a pair of black brogues to continue the monochrome look and that are practical for the day. However, if you are brave and want to jazz up this look I would recommend a pair of
silver shoes. This pair from River Island is perfect as they have the corrugated soles and a thick strap and buckle which are both very popular at the moment. A variety of jackets could be worn with this outfit and without wearing the other accessories I would recommend a colourful one. However, if you do opt for one of the accessories I think this black and white jacket from Heatons works well as it continues the monochrome theme without too much going on. Its chic tailored lines add to the elegance of this outfit, yet the tribal patterning on the front adds colour and variety.
Born to run
Kathy Davidson gives the lowdown on how to remain well-shod whatever your tastes
Clutch
Converse £44
A
trusty classic, every guy needs a pair of these in their wardrobe. Converse suit everyone, fact. Perfect for casual everyday wear they’re a campus attire staple. They come in hundreds of colours so no need to worry about clashing with your mates. They’re also pretty good at surviving a Saturday night at CCTV and they’re machine washable, what more could you ask for from a pair of trainers?
Ralph Lauren £64.99
New Balance £59.99
S
o edgy you might be in danger of cutting yourself. New Balance are everywhere at the moment and a firm favourite amongst the hipsters (the crazier the colour the better, apparently). Not only will you look bang on trend and therefore be attracting all the fashionistas, they’re also super comfortable making those 9ams a little easier to get to.
K
eeping it classy with a bit of Ralph is the perfect way to wear trainers with a smart edge. If anyone knows how to dress a guy it’s Ralph and these trainers incorporate everything you need for a more formal look, they would be great for drinks on Osborne Road but maybe a little over the top for the Student Union.
Nike Roshe £69.99
N
ike has had a huge impact on the fashion scene in the last year. These trainers will get you style points but they’re also ridiculously practical, you can sport them straight from uni to the gym (See what I did there?). Again, these come in a massive range of colours and patterns so while you follow the fashion crowd you can still keep things unique.
The Courier
fashion.17
Monday 10 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/fashion c2.fashion@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Fashion
Arrow straight to the heart
Rachael L’Anson reveals what your sartorial choices says about your relationship status this Valentine’s Day. Take the test to see whether you’re more sweatpants or suspenders
Where will you be Valentines Day? In?
Out? What are you doing?
Singing and dancing
Boyfriend/girlfriend Exchanging gifts
Who are you with?
Talking about the cliches of Valentine’s Day What are you wearing? BFFs PJs all the way
Is it awks? What music? Ben & Jerry
Marvin Gaye Sexy underwear
That couple everyone hates
Very...
Beyonce No because I bought the gift for myself Destiny’s Child: independent woman
Bridget Jones: Ultimate singleton
Valentines Day debut daters
1
When you’ve been in a relationship for a long time you can easily fall in to a routine and forget to make the effort for each other. Valentine’s Day is the perfect opportunity to relight that fire; pour yourself into a sexy slip dress or a freshly pressed shirt and order that expensive bottle of red. The great thing is you can just as easily curl up on the sofa in a pair of joggers at the end of the night. Love is a many splendour’d thing, like the man said.
For a singleton on V Day, you have two options, wallow in self pity (and ice cream) or put on your party pants, get out there and boogie the night away. If you chose the latter then your outfit demands a strong masculine look. Think 80s power dressing, shoulder pads and fierce heels for ladies, a bouncy trainer for the lads. Put on those leather skinny jeans you’ve been saving for a special occasion and revel in your single status.
If you’re really feeling like you cannot be bothered with even pretending you’re ok with the festival of smooching, never fear- sweatpants are not the only option. Sport Luxe is such a huge trend that your breakup sweats and ice cream stained jumper are now considered a fashion statement. Would’ve thought it. Bring the feeling of wallowing into your daily wardrobe; remember it’s not just for V Day.
If you are spending your first Valentine’s together this is an exciting day when you can go all out on the cheesy Valentine’s Day gear. Dress up to the max, go for pinks and reds, floaty floral dresses and a full on tux (maybe not) but feel free to go OTT. For the end of the evening why not surprise each other with some cheeky underwear, if you can’t splurge on Agent Provocateur on Valentine’s, when can you?
18.beauty
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Beauty Editors: Safiya Ahmed and Amy Macauley
V-date countdown
Tom Tibble and Charlotte Davies talk us through the lads and lasses guide to preparing yourself for the perfect, fool proof valentines dates - physically and mentally.
F
or the alpha-breed of Lad, Valentine’s Day is just a day in which charming women and generally being mint at life is nothing but standard procedure. In other words, for The Alpha Lad everyday is Valentine’s Day. For the sorry beta-breed however, Valentine’s Day presents itself as a wild chance to nail a gushy romantic gesture. For those in need of Ladvice* here are some sure-fire ways to get the most out of Valentine’s Day. *Ladvice (noun): derived from the blend of Lad and Advice, possibly of Scandinavian and French origin, popular in early 21st Century, means ‘advice of the highest order on all things concerning The Lad,’ e.g., Mate, I took your ladvice and booked us a week holiday in Malia, spoke to a cracking travel ladvisor on the phone.
1.
The date. We aren’t talking the 14th of February here; we’re talking about securing the crucial piece of the puzzle; the other person. You can adopt any strategy you want with this but the key is to commit to it. Holding a conversation with a female and asking her out to dinner is a bold move only the most successfully-assimilated-into-society kinda Lads can commit too. So give up now and check out Step 2 for other similarly fruitful but less socially risky strategies.
2.
The strategy. Some of the best methods include putting up an advert in your local newspaper or going door to door posting leaflets. With this you should look to outline your strengths and conceal your weaknesses, a little bit like a CV but one which concerns jobs of another nature. A heavily photo-shopped photograph is essential for rousing the biggest chance of a response and also be sure to attach your contact details. Where possible try to avoid putting down embarrassing email addresses, e.g., megacockcolin@hotmail. com, instead, offer your fax number or your postal address for easy and quick communication. Step 1 and 2 are vital, if you foul those two up there’s likely to be little to no actual repercussions but the possibility of Valentines remaining a normal, fruitless, beta-classic of a day is infinitely higher. That could be in some ways beneficial as it might free up some time for slogging through a pile of secondary reading or allowing you to knit a woolly scarf for a friend. So remain positive, and to take your mind off things perhaps send a tweet of your Valentine Day alternative, e.g., Not gutted about the lack of responses to my flyers, smashing through a Jurassic Park marathon instead #silverlining.
3.
The miracle. So somehow your flyer/leaflet/ newspaper advert worked and someone replied with an email/a fax/a letter and now you’re in the business of wondering what to wear and how to function as a human in whatever it is that you do choose to wear. This is a big deal. Steer away from playing safe; you have been given a chance, so grab it. From the email/fax/letter response try to predict what it is that the person likes, and then try to mould your look and act to that of which will impress them the most. Be prepared to gamble, all or nothing style, remember you’re used to Nothing so may as well stick your neck out and grab the All, book that fancy restaurant.
4.
The nerves. The best medicine for this is alcohol or drugs or anything that allows you to escape reality and gets you chatting, but be careful not to reveal anything too dark or awkward silence inducing. As a general rule of thumb avoid conversation about the following themes: loneliness, bowel movements, One Direction’s supple hairless bodies.
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ebruary 14th is once again just around the corner, and for all you die hard romantics out there, its time to get preparing. Whether you love or hate it, it’s the perfect excuse to indulge in some serious pampering. These five easy tips will have you set for a smooth, beauty-disaster free valentines– whatever your plans may be.
1.
Hair removal. Agreed, not the most glamorous of preparations, but necessary none the less. Of course we’ve all experienced the angry looking, unavoidable redness that accompanies this process. And lets face it, the look doesn’t exactly ooze romance. So to avoid scaring your date off, do this well in advance! Try getting booked in for waxing and threading the day before. This leaves plenty of time for reactions to calm down, and leaving it to the professionals is your best bet of a silky, smooth finish, so you’re left feeling sexy and sensual, ready for some skin on skin contact. After all, you want to feel as sexy as you look for a Valentine’s date.
2.
Now, who would’ve thought that the process of preparing with fake tan actually requires preparation itself? Oh the trouble we go to…. Next job on the list is exfoliation. No one wants to look like a tangerine (it really clashes with the red), but you don’t want to look like you’ve got the wrong holiday and have shown up for Halloween. It’s all about getting the right balance. To ensure an even and natural looking tan its vital to exfoliate beforehand. Soap and Glory offer a few different options which will instantly eliminate dry patches and they smell delicious too. Combine this with an exfoliating mit, and voila you’re set to get bronzing! If tanning is too much of a daunting task for you, then a soft bronzing powder is your secret weapon for a golden glow.
3.
No matter what skin tone you are, fake tanning is always risky territory. Because you’ve already prepared for the process however, you should be patch free. For an extra precaution use a moisturiser before application. Personally, I think wash off tans are most effective. They allow you to spot any patchy areas before the tan properly settles. The downside? They can leave you smelling slightly reminiscent of a wet dog… Yep, doesn’t exactly scream romance and sophistication. Xen tan offer a range of shades, which are actually noted for a delicious scent. Though slightly on the pricey side, the product lasts a while and so ends up being worth the splurge!
4.
Now you’re hair free and bronzed up, its time for the more fun preparation! Treat yourself to a manicure and pedicure, especially if you’re opting for a peep toe. Small touches like this, though you may think go unnoticed, really do allow for a polished finish. This is one of the only times of year it’s acceptable to go all out on the pink, red and hearts without revealing yourself as an undying romantic. Even if your date doesn’t notice,knowing you’ve come prepared will allow you to relax and feel confident.
5.
And finally, the most important tip of all. Practice, practice, practice! We’ve all been there, the stubborn stray hair that wont budge, the lip liner that resembles a drag queen, the shades that you wish you’d realised were a tad too dark for you. Avoid this kind of on the day stress by trying out different looks beforehand. This way you can figure out what’s best for you this valentines day, and ensure a stress free evening full of loveliness! Moral of the story, a happy medium of common sense and individuality is about the best recipe, happy Valentines!
5.
The reality. You get there, you’ve styled your whole persona based on your date’s email/fax/letter response and it goes one of two ways. Number One: you’re stood up; it was a joke response from a bunch of vicious hoodlums who are just happy to see the world burn, but at least then you could revel in the comfort that it hasn’t gone worse. Number Two: your date arrives and you find you’ve styled your look on an email/fax/letter response and it dawns on you that that was a bit nuts and you now look more of a dope than you ever thought it possible to look.
Illustrations by Emily North
The Courier
beauty.19
Monday 10 February 2014
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Super sexy scents Choosing the right scent is tricky business depending on what persona you want to create on your date. Flirty, sexy or adventurous? Kathy Davidson gives us her guide. Noir – The White Company This fragrance packs a punch. It has a gorgeous chocolatey smell that lasts for hours; perfect if you have a Valentines date you want to impress. It’s pretty unique as well, it’s not the obvious Valentines fragrance choice so there’s a good chance you won’t smell like anyone else (unless you all read my article and rush out to The White Company and steal my secret signature scent).
Lady Million – Paco Robanne If this fragrances’ super sexy advert doesn’t sell it for you I don’t know what will. A quick spray of this scent and you’ll feel just like Dree Hemingway, the face of the scent. And if you feel anything like her I’m sure you won’t be spending this Valentines alone.
Daisy – Marc Jacobs A firm favourite of mine, Daisy is flowery and flirty (as the name might suggest). It’s perfect for a more subtle scent and has become a bit of a cult classic throughout the beauty industry. It also comes in a super pretty bottle, what’s not to love? Sexy and pretty; the best of both worlds.
We asked some guys their thoughts on the vajazzle, and whether they preferred a vamped up vajayjay or a fabulous fanny? “I once had a bad experience with glitter in year 3 so a vajazzle would cause hysteria. Not the kind of thing you want happening when you’re ‘in the moment’” Muneeb Hafiz
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on’t get me wrong, everyone likes a bit of glitz here and there, but I fail to understand why you would want to cover your nether regions in sparkly substances. Gemming up your VJJ, in all honesty, just sounds a little awkward. It almost reminds me of those stick on gems that you can put on your nails- except they’ve been stuck in the wrong place. I personally don’t think that vajazzling is ever a good idea- but as it’s valentine’s day, I will attempt to be a little more understanding. If you are going to get a vajazzle, decide whether you’re going to go to a salon or do a little DIY. Again, sounds pretty awkward if you’re planning on having someone stick crystals in your garden- but whatever floats your boat. So if you’re tempted, you can buy a DIY kit with ease online or if you want a professional, Indulgence Salon on Market Street offers them. I’m not as opposed to VJJ stencils, I must admit. Keeping your lady garden in check is something that most of us do, so doing a little extra is a credit to the cause. This is potentially less fiddly than a vajazzle, but saying that it will depend on how intricate you would like your shaping to be. Stars and hearts are pretty popular, but I suppose you could be awkward and get a heptagon or a crescent moon. If you are going to venture into the stencilling world (and you’re a little worried about it all going horribly wrong), you can get it done in a salon. However, if you’re up for a little DIY then buy (or make) a stencil and go crazy. Your VJJ is your oyster. If you want to get your VJJ in check for the most romantic day of the year, tidy your garden and if you would like to go the extra mile, get stencilling. As someone who is highly anti-vajazzle, I’m not going to propose you get one of those. But, if you fancy trying one, this may just be the ideal day of the year.
Kathryn Holland draws inspiration from this years catwalks to bring us the hottest trends to look out for this year.
Intimately Beckham - Victoria Beckham, If it’s good enough for Vic it’s good enough for me! Intimately Beckham speaks for itself on the sexy scent scale. Designed by the woman who has David Beckham on her arm I’m willing to take her advice on fragrance. I have extremely high expectations of who this scent will attract this Valentines (any David Beckham lookalikes feel free to look me up).
And all that vajazzle
Vajazzle is now a word in the oxford dictionary but is it really accepted as a normal thing to do? Charlotte Maxwell gives her thoughts.
Big in 2014
‘‘Unless it was the shape of my name it would be a no’’ Tom Waters ‘‘If its socially acceptable for a modern guy to manscape, then it’s perfectly natural for a lass to do some groundwork that boosts their confidence’’ Michael Darby ‘‘It wouldn’t put me off, but then again it takes a lot to put me off ‘‘ Joe Stansfield ‘‘The phrase “gilding the lily” springs to mind. That said, I’m not the vagina police’’ Tom Nicholson “Well I’m a sucker for anything shiny, but in all honesty, NO!” Joe Wood ‘‘I don’t really see the point of vajazzling. It reminds me too much of those adhesive body jewels kids stuck on their arms at primary school discos so it’s a bit weird. Plus can’t imagine what other benefits it’d have. It’d probably just blind you with the reflection of light if you looked at it’’ Chris Taylor
‘‘Not sure I’d appreciate but I’d definitely tolerate’’ Jake Massey ‘‘Not a fan. They look really intimidating and I don’t like the idea of being circumcised / getting a horrible friction burn on me Weiner from some sparkly fake diamonds. Can you get crabs in a vajazzle?! They’d be like gangsta crabs with bare bling’’ James Simpson ‘‘It would be good, unless they had a brazilian and then it could possibly just look like an upside down Mr T’’ Marc Smethurst ‘‘I don’t find it disgusting. Questionable if anything. In essence its a form of body art such as a tattoo, a piercing or shaving patterns into your hair. Not something I would ever have a desire to see a woman do, but not something that would make me run a mile’’ Ian Mason ‘‘Must be said I’ve never encountered one in the wild before; however although I personally wouldn’t really be attracted to them, I think it’s hypocritical to differentiate between them and other body mods which I love - so go for it’’ Matthew Marshall Well after you asked me that question I just googled vajazzling and seen a picture of one with a spider and one with vampire teeth.... Which I think would freak me out. So no, I don’t think I would like it but each to their own I guess” Jamie Cousins ‘‘Can you get flavoured vajazzles? Like strawberry flavoured pussy sweets?’’ James Simpson (again)
Glowing Skin
This year there is nothing more on trend than natural glowing skin. Models were seen on the runway for Phillip Lim with beautifully radiant skin, which glowed just as brightly as his jewel encrusted creations. Firstly, prep your skin with Clinique’s Moisture Surge Intense. The soft gel formula will help the skin retain moisture and leave it feeling velvety soft. After, apply Nars Pure Radiant Tinted Moisturizer and Cocabanna Liquid Illuminator which will enhance the complexion with shimmering incandescence. If tinted moisturizer isn’t for you, try applying Revlon Photoready Skinlights Face Illuminator in Bronze to the cheeks, bridge of the nose and forehead to create a look of freshness. Wear your iridescent skin with whites and silvers to add sparkle and brightness. This look is a perfect way into fooling everyone that you weren’t effected by that heavy night of trebles at sinners, arrive at uni looking like you got your full 8 hours whilst the rest of your fellow students wear the ever so depressing “hangover” look.
Blue eye shadow
Discard any thoughts of Pat Butcher and her hideous light blue eye shadow, this season sporting a sweep of darker blue eye-shadow is in. Seen on the models of Marc Jacobs Spring 2014 show, the vivid colour brought the collection alive and reminded everyone that summer is just around the corner. Start with a base of Shiseido Shimmering Cream Eye Colour in Ice making a crescent shape just above the crease of the eye. On top blend Chanel’s Illusion D’Ombre Long Wear Luminous Eye Shadow in Apparition to soften the look and give it a deeper, richer quality. Keep the rest of your makeup minimal. Let your outfit reflect the blue of your lids by wearing softer, lighter blues mixed with white and black. Create this look before a night out on the Toon, it’s sure to create a stir. A great break from the smokey eye which dominated winter.
Gold
At Dries Van Noten it was all about gold makeup. Make-up master Peter Phillips detailed individual eyelashes and side partings with gold leaf. It was refreshingly new and screamed opulence and beauty. Of course you don’t have to line your hair line with gold leaf, instead there are a huge number of ways to incorporate gold into your look. Instead of the usual black liner swap it for a sweep of Maybelline’s Master Drama Chromatics Liner in Vibrant Gold. For those of you that are willing to make a braver statement in gold try Mac’s Ruffian Gold Lipstick or YSL’s Gloss Volupte in Gold. If you’re willing to take the plunge with gold lip colour keep the rest of your make-up simple, perhaps with a sweep of black liquid liner.
The Courier
Monday 10 February 2014
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Listings Priscilla Queen of the Desert
Marilyn Monroe: A British Love Affair
Reclusive Aussie superstar Jason Donovan returns to the role he originated on the West End in this adaptation of the cult classic film. If you like disco – and if you don’t, what’s wrong with you? It’s 2014! – then this is the show for you, filled with hits like ‘I Will Survive’ and underrated gems like ‘I Love The Nightlife’. And really, who among us hasn’t wanted to see Jason Donovan perform a Kylie medley? Bloody nobody. Tickets £15
10-15th February Theatre Royal
Newton Faulkner 13th February O2 Academy
Fun fact: Newton Faulkner’s middle name is ‘Battenberg’. Known as ‘Newt’ to his mates and ‘The Ginger Bob Marley’ to the deaf, the folk rocker had a hit a few years ago with ‘Dream Catch Me’, which you might not think you’ve heard but you probably have. Once you’ve refreshed your memory you can hear it live to the tune of 21 English pounds. Shocking. Tickets £21
DJ Lethal 16th February The Cluny 2
Limp Bizkit, a band so shit that they actually named one of their albums after it, were apparently flanked by a DJ, not that you could tell beneath the throbbing guitar and cracker-rap douche-howls. That man’s name was DJ Lethal, unfortunately not lethal enough to put an end to Fred Durst. He also played with House Of Pain, so if you fancy jump-jump-jumping around for 15 minutes ad nauseum pick up a ticket. Tickets £10
The Circus of Horrors
FemSoc Film Festival
Newcastle University Feminist society are organising a series of film screenings at Ouseburn’s Star and Shadow in order to raise money for Tyneside Rape Crisis. On Wednesday they’re showing Lilja 4-Ever, about a young Estonian girl who travels to Sweden to start a new life. On Saturday it’s Innocence, the story of a rather unique boarding school, a bit like a French St. Trinians if St. Trinians was interesting or good. Cracking films, then, and its all for a good cause. No excuses. Tickets £5
12th and 15th February Star and Shadow Cinema
Runs until 17th May The Hatton Gallery
11th February Mill Volvo Tyne Theatre
Marilyn Monroe, ey? Doubtlessly history’s most famous Monroe, immortalised here in an exhibition of portraits by British photographers. Included are Marilyn’s favourite picture of herself, clutching a rose, and photos from her visits to Britain. Have a good wander around and look back on the incredible life of this singular cinematic icon, a woman who I think we can all agree was reasonably good looking. Free entry
Halloween might be but a distant memory, but if you want to inject some abject terror into your Valentine’s, look no further that The Circus of Horrors. Led by Dr Haze, who may or may not be the ghost of Slash’s granddad, the festivities include sword swallowing, dare devilling, and dudes with hanging around by their flesh. Apparently they also have a ‘demon dwarf ’, although I believe they prefer to be called ‘demon little people’. Tickets £15-28
100 Years of Hats
The Notebook
Motörhead
This year, 2014, of course marks the centenary of a landmark event in 20th century history. That’s right, it’s the invention of the hat! Unfortunately I can’t tell you exactly which hats will be turning up for this celebratory exhibition in Gateshead, but it’s safe to say that all of your favourites will be in attendance, from the humble flattie to the mighty Pith. Tickets £5
Hey girl. You look like you might enjoy a special Valentine’s day screening of The Notebook, recently named the North East’s favourite romantic film by the commenters over on Tyneside Cinema’s website. For many couples this will be their chance to see the classic Gosling romp on a big screen for the first time. Not only that, but there’s enough cocktails on sale – the first of which is covered in the ticket price! – to get you absolutely mortal if you’d rather not sit through it sober. Tickets £3.50, redeemable in full against your first drink
Part-time Kronenbourg salesman and full-time mutton chop ambassador Lemmy leads heavy metal legends Motörhead on a tour that, luckily for all you Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 fans out there, finds them visiting our very own City Hall to belt out hits like the evergreen ‘Ace Of Spades’. Truly, the only card you’ll need is the one with a Motörhead ticket printed on it. Tickets £27
13th February Caedmon Hall
Rizzle Kicks 16th February O2 Academy
From lending some much needed ‘street’ ‘cred’ to modern Murs-ian classic ‘Heart Skips A Beat’ to fixing EMF’s ‘Unbelievable’ once and for all, Rizzle Kicks’ contributions to the British music scene over the last few years are nothing if not existant. Now’s your chance to see those cheekiest of chappies in the flesh. Tickets £20
14th February Tyneside Cinema
14th February Newcastle City Hall
22.arts
Monday 10 February 2014 The Courier
Arts Editors: Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor: Laura Wotton
Romantic gestures
Blinkin’ relationships
Holly Suttle looks forward In our Valentine’s issue, George Severs chats to award-winning playwright, Phil Porter about to Valentine’s day with iconic rom-coms, unconventional romance and the inspiration behind his sell-out play, Blink romantic gestures from her fas I press ‘call’, I experience both gnawing we can feel like we know people without necessarvourite fictional characters fear and a sudden realisation. The fear ily spending a lot of time (together) … I was inP.S. I Love You
Despite having passed away, the love messages that Gerry had organised to be sent to Holly after his death are without a doubt one of the most romantic things that someone could ever do to show their love. His letters to Holly keep her going, supporting her through her struggles, even from his grave. Now that, is real love.
Beauty and the Beast
In his attempt to show how much he cares for Belle, the beast tries his first romantic gesture — she loves reading. So why not get her her own library? Seems like a good idea. And Belle seemed pretty pleased about it too. Result.
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is the usual – what if I offend him/ run out of questions/ suddenly develop Tourette’s - but the realisation is more esoteric: I have no idea what Phil Porter looks like. My mind races through possible theatre archetypes. Is he, perhaps, the alcohol marinated silver fox, complete with velvet blazer, cravat and a twinkle in his eye? Or is he young and swarthy, a Man of Drama, complete with oversized bouffant fringe and matching black turtleneck and goatee? Before I have time for any more stereotypes, Phil picks up. His cheery Southern accent, his frequent laughter and his unabashed eccentricities (‘I’m walking round my study swinging my cricket bat’), instantly put me at ease.
trigued by the challenge of trying to make a story about a stalking romantic. But it’s also about two quite lonely people, I suppose, coming together, who’ve both got reasons to be … a little bit damaged in the beginning. It’s sort of a redemptive story, about how love can heal emotional scars. Then again, it’s also about London – well, big cities generally – where you’re surrounded by people and yet you’re very much on your own’.
Ten Things I Hate About You
“I like to use lots of little details from my own life because [...] I know that it’s real”
Based on William Shakespeare’s ‘The Taming of The Shrew’, who can forget the moment when Patrick (Heath Ledger) sings ‘I Love You Baby’ on loudspeaker through the school’s PA system, to express his love for Kat. Talk about romantic. Would we be his date for prom? Yes, yes we would.
All sounds rather dark, but Phil assures me that at heart it’s an ‘offbeat comedy’, and that it’s opening night two years ago at the Live Theatre garnered plenty of laughs. The discussion moves onto influences, and with this in mind, I ask if any unusual rom-coms were prominent in his mind as he wrote Blink. After some deliberation, Phil reluctantly reveals that ‘The Lives of Others’ (a German film about a voyeuristic Cold War spy) influenced him more than any rom-com, but he also mentions ‘You’ve Got Mail’, a generic Tom Hanks film about Internet dating. Having also seen ‘You’ve Got Mail’, I commiserate – ‘We’ve all had those rainy Sundays’, he replies.
The Notebook
That romantic moment, when Allie realises that Noah did actually write to her every single day, for 365 days. The. Whole. Year. Every day. Through all the years after their perfect summer romance together, it turns out he never stopped loving her. And never stopped writing to her either. If that isn’t true love, what is?
“Love is whatever you feel it to be”
Love Actually
Everyone knows that this film is filled with romantic gestures. From Hugh Grant as the Prime Minister knocking on every door on Christmas Eve to find his Natalie, to Jamie learning another language to propose to, Bonete Aurelia, the foreign waitress whom he was living with. We all remember the guy who’s in love with his best friend’s wife, telling her through holding up large cards how he thinks she ‘is perfect’ (even if it is Keira Knightley)! Planning on sparking the romance this year? Beat one of these.
I start simply, intrigued to know more about the upcoming production of Blink, the play Porter originally wrote for London’s Soho Theatre following the unconventional love story of two shy individuals. Since then the play has been a sell out hit, reaping praise from all who see it. T h i s month Blink returns to Newcastle’s Live Theatre. ‘How would you describe the main themes of Blink?’ He considers: ‘Well, it’s a love story’ – a long pause – ‘but it’s sort of a contemporary love story, in that it’s about how people fall in love in an age of technology … where
Poetry corner
Promoting the creativity and talent of Newcastle students
The Canterbury Tales
Although she might be having an affair, Queen Guinevre’s love with Sir Lancelot is illustrated as being both pure and true, as Lancelot proves his ‘trouthe’ and ‘faythefulness’ towards Guinevre, by rescuing her from near death experiences. We could all do with a Knight like that in our lives. Holly Suttle
To launch our new platform for Newcastle University’s budding poets, Holly Suttle gets us in the mood for love with her beautiful sonnet, ‘A Cup of Tea’ (All I Need is Love) If you would like to be considered for next week’s Poetry Corner please send submissions to c2.arts@ newcastle.ac.uk by Sunday midnight. All types of poetry are welcome.
I comment that it’s an odd set of references for a smart, offbeat comedy. Phil explains that, at first, he felt it was ‘more like a psychological thriller than anything else’, but that wasn’t really what he did, nor did he feel the theatre was the right medium. But then he had an idea – ‘a thriller plot, but tell it as a love story’, hoping to create something ‘strange and … unique.’ The critics would say he’s succeeded. Somewhat tentatively, given the play’s content, I ask Phil how he feels about Valentine’s Day; surprisingly, he’s a big fan. There was mention of a ‘complicated Valentine’s ritual’ with his girlfriend that involves ‘cooking each other particular things for dinner’ (I’m curious, but resist prying), and he also says that, with its ‘lush garden’ design, Blink itself can be quite a romantic evening. I quickly rethink And he said, “Would you like a cup of tea?” Like it was the most desirable thing, Liquid of Heaven and purer to me, If I was to sip a sip it might bring Night out of darkness and birds from the tree, Every thought focusing on feeling; Everlasting words that once are set free Dance over our memories where we sing. In this room my heart lifted with true glee, Spreading a smile that remains not fleeting… Love sinks in deep as you crouch on one knee One little word as you produce a ring. “Vow that you’ll be mine forever after, Eternal days filled with love and laughter.”
who I’ll invite as my plus one to the Newcastle showing. I ask how much of himself has gone into ‘Blink’: ‘I like to use lots of little details from my own life because … Because I know that it is real, it gives me confidence in the integrity of an image, or an idea’. I push for details: Phil holidayed in the Isle of Man as a child, lived in east London, had ‘unpleasant experiences with dentistry’ and watches ‘Neighbours’ religiously, all of which feature. I ask whether there’s not a touch of incongruence between his own happy romantic life and the unorthodox one of his characters, but he quotes the opening of Blink to me (‘Love is whatever you feel it to be’), and says that he chose the ending of Blink because he felt it ‘needed something a bit more complex than a happy ever after’, not through any cynicism of his own. Conversation turns to how happy he was with how Blink came out – ‘better than I imagined’ – and he pays tribute to the team of people who helped him develop it into something ‘far beyond what your visual imagination could’ve conceived sitting at your desk.’ From there to ‘falling in love with theatre’. From Lorca, Arthur Miller and Tennessee Williams (his heroes as a youth) via studying Drama at university (where he discovered he was a writer, not an actor), to modern inspirations, such as James Graham and Dennis Kelly, there’s a definite sense that Porter truly does adore theatre. I ask if he’d ever branch out to film or TV, and he speaks of possible plans for a film ‘at some point’. Watch this space. For the now though, he feels most at home under the proscenium arch and if his play is as witty, warm and intelligent as he is, I hope that’s where he stays. Blink will be showing on 18th & 19th February at the Live Theatre. Tickets are available via live. org.uk. Image by: Katie Silver
The Courier
arts.23
Monday 10 February 2014
Pic of the Week
previews
#nclarts
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ach week we choose the best arty instagram pic to feature in the paper. Whether its taken on campus, on a night out or in your own house, we want your snaps! Simply hashtag #nclarts and we’ll pick a weekly winner. Besides featuring in an award winning paper, the winning pic is worth a delicious bag of sweets too. Get instagramming folks!
...thisisnotforyou...
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This week Holly Suttle previews the up and coming vintage coffee shop Coffee & Cigarettes
K Drinks Art Vibe
Kitsch and welcoming
eep your eyes open for the opening of the new cafe Coffee and Cigarettes, based behind the Vintage Thrift shop Small Change. Despite having not opened its doors yet, this weekend they were giving out free coffee and burgers for lunch, in attempts to reel in those hipster customers for the future! The cafe/vintage shop is like nothing you’ve seen before — it is an attic of memories, piled into a room, like a giant wardrobe filled with all sorts of cardigans and old-school jumpers, as well as miscellaneous objects such as berets and badges, not to mention the current sale on the in-fashion burberry style tartan scarves (that are currently £2)! With a courtyard for smokers as part of the cafe, Coffee and Cigarettes stays true to its name, allowing those artistic minorities to enjoy acceptance in this bohemian chilled environment.
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The People’s Theatre 11 - 15 February
his season, The People’s Theatre presents a new version of Euripides classic Women of Troy, adapted by Don Taylor. While most of us are familiar with the traditional narrative of the Iliad, telling of the legendary war between the Greeks and Romans, beginning with Helen, the face that launched a thousand ships, and ending with the fabled wooden horse, Euripides opens his tragedy where the original story leaves off. Aside from confirming the fact that sequels have always been in vogue, this play is interesting by virtue of the fact that its main focus is on the women devastated by the war, rather than the warriors who dominate Homer’s epic. Characters include icy queen Hecuba, vulnerable widow Andromache, half-mad prophetess Cassandra and a Helen whose beauty is used to manipulate the husband she left so many years before. Women of Troy is a fascinating play which gives new dimensions to well-known characters, whilst also questioning the nature of war, grief and heartbreak. Lauren Hickin
Live Theatre 18- 19 February
ewcastle’s renowned Live Theatre is to play host to Soho Theatre’s Blink, the new play that gives us an insight to a modern yet unconventional and dysfunctional relationship. Jonah, a shy individual, is the new tenant of the downstairs flat that was previously occupied by Sophie’s recently deceased father, whom she monitored constantly by means of a babysitting device. After the death of Sophie’s father the small screen remains and Sophie meets Jonah. A charmingly dark and delicate story unfolds as the two characters grow and find companionship, in the midst of the bleak loneliness of a falsely luring London. Written by award winning Phil Porter and directed by Joe Murphy, Blink was a sell-out at Soho Theatre. The play stars fresh and exciting young actors Thomas Pickles as Jonah and Lizzie Watts as Sophie, and is part of the Soho Six project. This project allows six writers from differing social backgrounds to create a piece of work for one of Soho’s stages. The voyeuristic nature gives the play a quirky and refreshing edge. Transmitted through a surveillance camera, this is a love story like no other. An eccentric, original and witty play with an enchantingly gloomy shadow; this is definitely one for the diary. “Love is not a cast iron set of symptoms. Love is whatever you feel it to be.” Katie Jones
Between Fact & Fiction
Star and Shadow Cinema 14 February
Vane Gallery 30 January - 1 March
ccasion 4 is the fourth exhibition in a series curated by 3rd year Fine Art Student Adam Goodwin. Located in the Star and Shadow cinema; an intriguingly wrought building of girders, brick walls and soft furnishings, there is plenty of inspiration for site specific works. The upcoming exhibition features the work of a variety of students, with a breadth of practice. There is a greater focus on digital artwork, with an emphasis on video and sound. Rebecca Farr, one artist exhibiting, explores gender stereotypes, eliciting an individual response from the viewer through the use of her own body, often playing upon expectations and assumptions. Charlie Dearnley is exploring links between architecture and people, currently investigating the skate community of Newcastle and how the sport changes an individual’s interpretation of an urban environment. There is also live music throughout the night, with a bar open from 7pm. Previous exhibitions have had an impressively energetic atmosphere and this fourth instalment is set to be a lively way to kick off your valentines. Charlie Dearnley
n entering the gallery I was hesitant as to what to expect from an exhibition of such ambiguous title: ‘Between Fact and Fiction’. An amalgamation of veracity and fantasy, the gallery exposes the works of Kerstin Drechsel, Nick Fox, Simon Le Ruez, Dodda Maggy, Jock Nooney, Michael Mulvihill, Stephen Palmer (my personal favourite), Narbi Price and Morten Schelde, and explores themes of materialism, escapism, surrealism, psychological tension and importantly the end of history. Separated into two rooms, the disparate works are juxtaposed as if to suggest that, like our lives, we too are increasingly confused in our beliefs of what is literal or metaphorical; what we physically experience as opposed to what our minds imagine we experience. Utilising media such as oil and acrylic on canvas, graphite on paper, coloured pencil, pen, ink and video, the works possess a fantastically vibrant and explosive ocular quality, contrasting heavily to the (often) uncomfortable, dystopian connotations that are embedded beneath their surface, challenging the creative vocabulary of the artists. Rebekah Crawshaw
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Dishwashers
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Theatre Royal 17-22 February
he Dishwashers – as play titles go doesn’t sound particularly exhilarating, a fair reflection as dish washing generally isn’t. A theatre production about such daily trials and tribulations might, however, bring some fun to the outright mundane. Playwright Morris Paynch, two-time winner of the Governer General’s Award for Drama, brings to the theatre the story of the young and successful Emmett, a once prosperous man who after a downturn in luck has become a pot washer at the restaurant he once so lovingly dined at. Emmett becomes acquainted with his new colleagues; Dressler, a dish washing veteran come philosopher who boasts over thirty years of scrubbing experience, and Moss, a man whose pot cleaning days appear to be all but washed up. Together this trio unite to face the monotonous might of the Scum Ridden Dish in a play that Paynch knits together with wit and humour as he details Emmett’s journey of self-enlightenment. The cast stars esteemed actor and singer, David Essex, a man who boasts several Top 40 UK hits and whom has starred as Eddie Moon in BBC’s megahit EastEnders. Hopefully Essex scrubs up well in what looks set to be an intriguing comedy. Tom Tibble
reviews
Occasion 4
Woman of Troy
Must see
Blink
This week’s winning pic is ‘Maya Onoda: Kaleidoscope’ by Instagram user...
Creativity & Coffee
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Boxes & Corners Hatton Gallery 25 January - 17 May
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oxes and Corners is an underwhelming title for such a beautiful exhibition by Markus Kierstieß at the Hatton Gallery. The glazed clay sculptures glitter mysteriously in the light of the room of the gallery, and as the viewer moves, so, seemingly, does the clay; the light reflects upon the surfaces as light on water. Textures are created by finger and hand prints left in the clay, and by impressions left by other objects, like rope. The colours of the sculptures are beautiful; the blues, greens and gold remind me of dark alchemy and moonlight amidst a midnight blue sky. As well as the ceramic sculptures there are short clay boxes that are equally entrancing. They contain what looks like liquid, gorgeously coloured and thick and bubbling, but what is actually made of glass. The faint sound resonating around the room is like that created by a singing bowl, and adds to the hypnotic and meditative feel of the exhibition. Kierstieß has created haunting and beautiful pieces that echo the rich luxuriousness of precious stones and metals. Angela Stone
24.filmfeatures
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Film Editors: Muneeb Hafiz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber
Love Factually?
Editor’s Rosanna Hutchings ponders to what degree rom-coms simplify love Word omance in films is not only simplified, it represents real life. is usually the main, if not sole, storyline. While romantic films may claim they set out to Looking For-Award
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anuary and the New Year are just behind us, and February has already arrived. The Golden Globes have been and gone (how great were Tina Fey and Amy Poehler?) and the BAFTAs and the Oscars are fast approaching on the horizon. Awards season is well and truly in full swing now, exciting times indeed. In terms of university, exams and essay deadlines are behind us (for now) and a new term awaits which for some of us is our last few months in formal education.
More importantly, in terms of film this is probably the best time of the year. The cinemas are stuffed with great films, most in contention for illustrious awards at the aforementioned ceremonies. There is never another time of the year where the audience is so spoilt with choice, maybe apart from occasional summer blockbuster season. This year, we are lucky enough to have some real doozies: Gravity, American Hustle, 12 Years a Slave to name just a few of my favourites from those that I have managed to see. There really is a very strong line-up this year, it may sound clichéd but this awards season feels like it is hosting some of the best films in recent times; the sheer emboldened mastery of Gravity, the 70s hair and intoxicating entertainment of American Hustle to the sobering ordeal of Solomon Northup in McQueen’s masterpiece, 12 Years a Slave. Importantly, all are memorable and in an age where many films are forgotten after the credits roll this is a somewhat valuable commodity. There are of course a few disappointments and films that are snubbed for the big awards, many perhaps unjustly. Scorsese’s 3-hour chronicle of Jordan Belfort was epic in runtime but little else, despite some brilliant performances. The question on everybody’s minds seems to be over whether DiCaprio will finally win an Oscar this year, but equally noticeable is the lack of Tom Hanks and Emma Thompson from the list of Oscar nominees. The run-up to the big ceremonies is also a great time to catch up on previous winners and create for yourself an Oscar or BAFTA ‘crash-course’. Catch up on 21st century winners such as Argo, The Hurt Locker, Chicago and Brokeback Mountain or go back to older gems such as Patton, Kramer vs. Kramer and Cabaret and marvel at sterling perfor-
mances that were recognised. If you’re short on money or time and don’t go to the cinema often, I’d say go now, go now; the awards circus will be over within a month so catch some of the year’s best films whilst they’re all in town – you may just discover something truly special.
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Whether a romantic comedy, a drama or even a sci-fi thriller, you can guarantee that there will be some kind of persistent love story running throughout the film. Even if it is a film about somebody running away from zombies, you can almost guarantee there will be a readily available attractive male/female companion also trying to escape from zombies. Without a doubt it is within the romance genre that love is simplified in the most obvious sense. Wikipedia typifies a romance film as one in which a “genuinely strong, true and pure romantic love” takes the lead characters through dating, courtship or marriage. But far from being simple, Wikipedia would argue the characters often face “obstacles t o true love” or suffer from forbidden or unrequited love. While Wikipedia may think romantic film covers more than just a twee and perfect love, it remains unclear how far an obstacle-ridden love pursuit in film
explore obstacles to love, these obstacles may not be the ones in which you and I are familiar with. Sometimes these romantic obstacles come in the form of two potential love interests at once, with the rest of the plot covering how said character chooses perfect love (Bridget Jones). While this is a nice situation to be in, it is not necessarily helpful for real people, who far from having their pick of the bunch, might be struggling to find any love interest at all. Or the obstacle could simply be that you are currently in disguise, and are posing as the wrong gender (She’s The Man). Of course, once you reveal your true gender, all is well, and the path to true love can flourish. Again, not one that many people can associate with. There has actually been a scientific study as to whether love as represented in films can damage real life relationships. A 2008 study by Heriot Watt University looked to see what were the main reasons people were engaged in relationship counseling. The results were that too many people had common misconceptions about love, which have of course, derived from rom-coms. Therefore, not only does this study acknowledge that films simplify love, this simplifying of love is dangerous to real-life relationships. But is it really fair to blame the romantic ge n -
“Do we ever really settle down to watch a romcom and expect the lead male and lead female not to end up together?”
re? Do we ever really settle down to watch a romcom and expect the lead male and lead female not to end up together? Films that have tried to tackle the idea that there may not be a happy ending have left us somewhat disappointed, for example, Rose surviving the sinking of the Titanic without Jack, or how Summer gets engaged to someone else in 500 Days of Summer. Thus, it is clear that films simplify love, whatever the genre. We need to remember, however, that most filmmakers, particularly those of rom-coms, never set out to make a hard-hitting documentary on love. We recognize this, and in reality, we enjoy the films which simplify love, simply because we know it is never going to really be that easy.
Spring 2014: Preview Will Loxley looks ahead to some important releases this spring
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013, in the US at least, witnessed the rise of British filmmaker Steve McQueen to preeminence with 12 Years A Slave. McQueen’s film provided some of the more iconic moments of 2013, alongside shots of Sandra Bullock drifting unanchored in the expansive blackness of space. The daring and progressive feats of Gravity have been acknowledged with a nomination for the British Academy’s “Outstanding British Film”, a category it qualifies for due to its local production. 2013 was a year that exposed the apathy of the general public to foreign-language films. While France provided the hot topic that was Blue Is The Warmest Colour, in the UK and Ireland at
least, viewing figures were disappointing. The BFI reveals that not a single foreign-language film grossed £1 million at the UK box office in 2013, a truly regrettable statistic. 2013 was a healthy year for cinema, a status solidified, if nothing else, by the work of canonical directors such as Alexander Payne, Woody Allen and Peter Jackson. Yet there is much we can learn from it. Our aim must be to shake the Hollywood preconception of the passive cinemagoer, and become active and eclectic in our choices. Enjoy the stateside blockbusters, but make an effort to look beyond them too. I include in my list, alongside a crowd-pleasing Hollywood effort, an independent feature from Wes Anderson and an example of world cinema from Indonesia. Noah: Darren Aronofsky is an expert director, his portfolio boasting such visions as Requiem for a Dream and Black Swan. Following in the footsteps of Gravity’s ambitious stereoscopic story telling, Aronofsky here takes on one of the best-known Biblical tales at an enormous scale. Noah will be the most dramatic retelling of the familiar tale to date, and the director’s ability to depict humanity at its most ominous will lend well to the apocalyptic tale, wherein human evil is punished by the wrath of God. Noah promises to be a daring act of film-
making. With Russell Crowe placed at the helm of an impressive cast, and a budget of $130 million, the film, as a visual spectacle at least, will not disappoint. While remaining within the loose sci-fi parameters of his previous work, this is a bold new direction for the filmmaker at a time when “big” is everything. The Grand Budapest Hotel: While the upcoming film from Wes Anderson can hardly be called a “new direction”, The Grand Budapest Hotel looks to be a lively addition to a filmmaking history of an immaculately high standard. Released in the UK March 7, it offers another vignette to Anderson’s utopian world and dollhouse vision. The story will centre on Ralph Fiennes as a “legendary concierge” who forms an unlikely friendship with Tony Revolori as the young Zero Moustafa amidst the former’s strange world of debauchery, namely the courting of wealthy hotel guests. Anderson’s films are pleasant dreams that function almost as a satire of the contemporary film industry. Big name actors such as Bill Murray, Edward Norton and Owen Wilson are taken-for-granted and fit seamlessly together in films that appear to serve as relaxing getaways, a world away from Hollywood, where everyone is reminded of the sheer joy inherent in cinema. The Grand Budapest Hotel promises to be lots of fun. The Raid 2: Whereas Wes Anderson can be said to portray an unblemished, utopian vision, this sequel will develop the dystopian setting, established in 2011 in the Indonesian action thriller The Raid. The first film was a striking piece that proved unforgettable to those who may have unwittingly stumbled across it. Built upon the sturdy concept of police versus underworld cartels, Gareth Evans’ visualisation is one of high-octane, pure violence with no half measures. The Raid 2 will re-immerse viewers in Evans’ world of theatrical savagery and corruption. If it’s anything like the first, you won’t be able to look away.
The Courier
reviewsfilm.25
Monday 10 February 2014
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“It’s alive! It’s alive!” Frankenstein (1931)
12 Years a Slave (15)
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uffering. Scripture. Circumstance. Pillared on these three phenomena, through squinted eyes and bated breath, Steve McQueen’s staunch indictment of the slavery of African Americans is experienced. 12 Years a Slave is based on the remarkable true story of Solomon Northup, whose 1853 memoirs have been brilliantly adapted by screenwriter John Ridley, tracing his tale from a free black man of relative prosperity, to his deception, abduction and, ultimately, sale into the slave trade. 12 Years feels like not simply a masterstroke of film making which it absolutely is, but perhaps the most authentic commentary on slavery for decades. The plight of those in bondage is brutal, yes, not the cool carnage of say Tarantino’s Django Unchained, but delivers a blunt, numbing (an)aesthetic which reinforces the bleak realities of slavery. What McQueen has produced is an exploration of ‘culturalised’ anguish, which goes far beyond depicting the misery of corporeal punishment, but sheds light on the complexities of a system which embeds immovable, monolithic modes of thought. On the part of the tormentors, furtive looks of regret, of helplessness, of confusion, are aplenty, not out of pity or quiet benevolence but because of the constraints the inhumane industry of oppression they exist within places on them. Hamilton (Killam), one half of the slimy trickster enterprise primarily responsible for Northup’s demise, William
Ford (Cumberbatch), assumed to be a man of relative conscience, of civility, who nonetheless lacks the moral fortitude to challenge the slavery machine. Then, perhaps most poignantly, there is Edwin Epps (Fassbender), angry at the blasphemous love story he is unable to remove himself from, with the lost soul Patsey (Nyong’o). Each presents this intrinsic tension between what they feel, can’t quite understand, and what they ultimately ‘must’ do. McQueen does not excuse the tormentors, he merely appreciates their importance in adding a complexity to the portrayal of slavery as a murky infrastructure, as opposed to an essentialist vision of the period simply made up of oppressed slaves and sadistic plantation owners. The importance of religion becomes abundantly clear, and McQueen masterfully frames the biblical legitimisation of slavery, alongside a spiritual message of unity and freedom. The juxtaposition of Epps and Ford and their relative engagement with scripture, like the interplay of naked, scarred flesh with the holy serenity of open, wondrously captured landscapes, underlines the violation slavery was to the spirit and human existence. Every detail is imbued with meaning. Hans Zimmer’s purposefully intrusive score amplifies the discomfort. Booming foghorns and metallic stirring make for sombre watching which quickly stagnate any nuances of peace. Sean Bobbit’s cam-
era tracks right to left during scenes of extravagant violence, defying the natural passage of our eyes. Like slavery, it goes against nature. While Northup’s tale may contain some hope, look for no happy endings here. Fellow brothers and sisters in bondage are left behind in an instant. Slaves find themselves perpetuating their own misery. Years and, more importantly, spirits are lost to despair. To live is merely to survive. Each performance is outstanding, layered so deeply with the myriad emotions, motivations, and constraints of the time and situation. Ejiofor’s presence is magnetic and calm, each move and expression purposeful and heartfelt. Nyong’o is utterly breathtaking, striking a perfect balance between sheer despondency and steadfastness. Fassbender is tyrannical yet conflicted, his Satan spearheading the brutality spectrum.
I, Frankenstein (12A)
That Awkward Moment (15)
Inside Llewyn Davis (15)
ust like One Direction are “safe” sexuality for young girls, I, Frankenstein is “safe” violence for young boys. Aaron Eckhart plays Frankenstein’s creature, Adam, but not the one you know. No, he plays the Underworld/Twilight fan fiction version of Frankenstein’s creature, complete with big metal death-sticks and sexy jawline. This certificate 12 reboot of a classic gothic horror novel nearly had me vomiting in my boots; the acting was so wooden it’d make an excellent barn door, and it managed to butcher a book that I love. I’m not a purist, by the way, when a book is turned into a film it can lead to brilliance – see Trainspotting, Holes and Of Mice & Men – without even being particularly faithful. I, Frankenstein isn’t a weak movie because it isn’t faithful to the book, it is a weak movie because it’s just pants. However the opening sequence is quite good, “Adam” carrying Frankenstein’s corpse up a mountain is reminiscent of Caspar Friedrich’s ‘Wanderer Above the Sea of Fog’, If that was on purpose then I am pleased. My main beef with this ramshackle piece of tack is the CGI. It was almost entirely unnecessary and very badly done. The “flames” look like the side of a hot-wheels car. Also there was a lot of stabbing, hacking, slashing, mauling and biting and every single one plastered in CGI, making it entirely unrealistic and also quite boring. To sum up, this film isn’t terrible and if you have kids they’ll probably enjoy it. However as an action movie, or a horror movie, or even an adventure movie it’s just poor. As a “remake” of Frankenstein it’s a turd on Shelley’s grave…but I understand that it’s no so much a remake as a bit of creative license.
hat Awkward Moment is precisely that. Leaving the cinema you feel something between happy and disappointed. It feels like a modern take on Love’s Labour’s Lost – just with far more sex and alcohol, less romance. Following the failure of Mickey’s marriage him and his two friends, Jason and Daniel, promise to stay single together. Obviously, this pact is destined to fail as their perfect girls appear on screen just that moment. Leading them all to that awkward moment of ‘So… where is this going?’ The film starts with plenty of scenes that leave you wondering whether to laugh loudly or rather cringe in pain. A mixture of both is probably the best solution. The second part is the more romantic part, getting almost over the top leaving even romance lovers groaning for the story to just move on. But overall it somehow still manages to balance out in the end. Lovers of Zac Efron definitely get their fair share. For guys though, maybe a bit too much, as seeing him lying completely naked on a toilet might not be everyone’s favourite image – but very memorable. As with most of these films, it throws around stereotypes and clichés; the ending is clear from the start with hardly any surprises. Nevertheless, despite the obvious plotline and crudeness the film still charms with some pretty good lines and quirky characters. Despite all the couples in the cinema not the best date-movie. Too many awkward conversations can come from watching this film, so more a movie to watch with a group of friends over a few beers and have a good laugh about. And then move on.
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More like this: Underworld (2003) David Leighton
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More like this: Superbad (2007) Tanya Nies
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n intimate, bittersweet character study. With a cat. The Coen brothers’ latest effort sees them delve into the Greenwich Village folk scene pre-Dylan. Llewyn Davis, fantastically portrayed by Oscar Isaac, is a struggling musician stuck firmly in a rut since his former partner’s suicide. Self-sabotaging, sarcastic and abrasive, Davis is initially difficult to sympathize with as he sofasurfs a freezing NYC. He loses a friend’s pet, impregnates a foul-mouthed Carey Mulligan and squanders his musical talent by constantly making wrong decisions. However you can’t help but feel for him as he begins to come to terms with failure, loss and compromise. The Coens once again team up with T-Bone Burnett (as with The Big Lebowski, O Brother, Where Art Thou?) and, additionally Marcus Mumford, to create the films superb folk soundtrack, which is sure to be one of the best all year. Most of the songs are live performances by the hugely talented cast, which includes Justin Timberlake. Inspired in part by Dave Van Ronk, the music feels authentic and provides some of the best scenes. It’s beautifully shot, but Inside Llewyn Davis offers no real character development and arguably little discernable plot (a nightmarish trip to Chicago introduces a wonderfully surreal John Goodman and a symbolic cat). Instead this beautifully cyclical film offers a humorous, and at times heart braking, weeklong glimpse into Llewyn’s life. It almost feels more fly-on-the-wall than fiction. A melancholic near-masterpiece Inside Llewyn Davis, much like its titular character, drifts along. However, The freewheelin’ Coen Brothers are far from an artistic slump. More like this: This is Spinal Tap (1984) Ben McCullough
Any shortcomings stem from the inherent difficulties of dramatising a story about suffering which places both the tormentors and the oppressed on a level playing field. In narrative terms at least, there is always a danger of the slave protagonist becoming engulfed by a world of pain, less defined by his actions, words, or character, but blurred by his torment. Nonetheless, we see Northup mercilessly victimised yet never becoming the victim, a remarkable feat and perhaps the chief achievement of this tour de force of cinema. Cerebral, visceral, raw storytelling. “How did any of this happen”, you cry. “How did this ever happen?” More like this: Amistad (1997) Muneeb Hafiz
Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit (12A)
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hris Pine’s latest role sees him add to his growing reputation through a commendable sortie into more covert and grounded territory. After recovering from a serious injury in Afghanistan, Ryan is recruited by CIA veteran Thomas Harper (played by a direct and straightfaced Kevin Costner) to keep an eye on suspicious financial transactions on Wall Street. His analytical toils lead him to Moscow where he uncovers a terrorist plot that could have serious consequences for the world economy. Ensuing events guide this traditional and cold-war-style spy-flick on a globetrotting race in order to prevent a second Great Depression. Pine’s Ryan is refreshingly original and displays a distinct human nature, with one of the film’s few fight scenes providing a poignant insight into the unnatural capabilities of our reluctant hero. Those looking for an all-out action film may be disappointed. Shadow Recruit is more stylish than entertaining, although a rewarding car chase and a brawny ending provide some worthy popcorn-value. This film is unlikely to win the best-and-biggest explosion award- but it doesn’t try to. What you’ll get is a measured, unconventional thriller that prefers laughs over making you throw your overpriced drink sky-high in vivid excitement. Not even an appearance from a Bruce Willis lookalike can blast Shadow Recruit into Die-Hard territory, but thank goodness, cause this films more about thrillin’ than killin’. Shadow Recruit doesn’t have as many natural killer instincts as a Bond or Bourne flick but it’s nonetheless funny, emotive, and a little thrilling at times. An admirable and original addition to Tom Clancy’s enduring franchise. More like this: Enemy of the State (1998)
26.tvhighlights
Monday 10 February 2013
The Courier
TV Editor: Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor: Helen Daly
TVintage
Sun, sex, and suspicious TV viewers. Lauren Hickens takes a look at the NY fave
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h, Sex and the City. It’s a companion for good times and bad, whether you’re watching it with the girls (or boys, if it floats your boat), or in a onesie with Ben and Jerry for company. This show took the tried-and-tested formula of buddy comedy and inverted it, exploring the lives of four women living in New York. The set-up of the series revolves around a newspaper column (and later, books), written by Carrie Bradshaw, the centrepiece hopeless romantic and shopaholic. As the title suggests, most of her writing concerns her amorous misadventures, alongside those of her three best friends: worldly-wise, promiscuous Samantha; practical, cynical Miranda and sweet, naïve Charlotte.
The men they meet emphasise the universal problems of dating and love, from Carrie’s nearunattainable, commitment-phobic Mr Big, to Samantha’s alarming encounter with Mr Too Big. Sex and the City was brave enough to talk not only about ‘safe’ relationship topics such as cheating, worries about singledom and heartbreak, but to depict normal women having both serious romances and casual sexual relationships. And of course, there were flaws – Mr Big is one of the most unworthy romantic interests in the history of television, whilst Carrie herself was often whiney and self-obsessed – but Sex and the City remains one of my favourite TV shows. If you have never seen the series I would urge you to do so - the less said about the film sequels, the better - if only to go on to have the heated debate with your friends about which of the four women you are. So get onto Netflix and enjoy, meanwhile, here is a list of my top ten favourite quotes from the series. 1. “Take me home.” - Carrie 2. “F*** me badly once, shame on you. F*** me badly twice, shame on me.” - Samantha 3. “I’ve been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted, where is he?” - Charlotte 4. “I know your friends fine. Charlotte is the brunette, Miranda is the redhead and Samantha is trouble.” - Mr Big 5. “In a courtroom, reasonable doubt can get you off murder. In an engagement, it makes you feel like a bad person.” - Miranda 6. “I’ve spent $40,000 on shoes and I have no place to live?! I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes.” - Carrie 7. “People go to casinos for the same reason they go on blind dates - hoping to hit the jackpot. But mostly, you just wind up broke or alone in a bar.” - Carrie 8. “I like to think of it as kissing with extras.” Charlotte 9. “I said no white, no ivory, no nothing that says ‘virgin’. I have a child. The jig is up.” - Miranda 10. “Dump him, a bad kisser is non-negotiable.” - Samantha
Ja’mie: Private School Girl BBC Four, Saturday 9pm
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he’s snobbish, narcissistic, bitchy, and put plain and simply, a spoilt brat. She will do anything to get her own way, but if not she has no qualms about throwing an ever so dramatic tantrum (or throwing her significantly younger boyfriend’s phone to the floor) and reminding us all that she’s “really fucking hot”. She’s the girl in school who existed merely to make everyone’s life a living hell, but for some reason she has become one of the most endearing characters to ever come out of Australian TV. She’s Ja’mie King, she’s a private school girl, and she’s coming back to our television screens. Beginning her TV takeover in 2005’s We Can Be Heroes, a mockumentary following the lives and trials of five candidates for the prestigious Australian of the Year award, Ja’mie burst on to our screen in a shameless blaze of African orphan adopting and midweek fasting on her road to the awards
ceremony. This was followed by perhaps her most notable appearance to date when she resurfaced as a character in 2007’s Summer Heights High where she left the toffee-nosed bubble of her comfortable private school life for an exchange to the statefunded Summer Heights High where she suffered the ignominy of having to spend her day with ‘public school povvos’, and being the first girl in the history of year 11 to date a guy in year 7, all of this culminating in the school formal which she fought a dishonest and immoral battle to host.
This time round, Ja’mie is back with her own show and boy, are we glad this bitch is back. Whilst already broadcasting in Australia and the States, Ja’mie’s comeback to British screens on the 8th February follows a wave of outstanding fan and critical reception. Some of Ja’mie’s catchphrases have even entered the cultural lexicon by being
quoted by celebrities such as Lindsay Lohan and Katy Perry. Whether groups of girls in private sixth forms will scream “ILY so fucking much!” at each other (short for I love you, but much more ‘quiche’) when having to leave each other for the space of 5 minutes or whether total hotties elicit the reaction of “OMG he’s so totally quiche” remains to be seen, but it is certainly undeniable that Chris Lilley’s reincarnation of the ultimate uber-bitch has certainly been a global phenomenon. Lilley fans know to expect political correctness to be cast asunder and to be roped into awkwardly laughing at the most excruciating staged moments, and Lilley definitely delivers on this. I can honestly say that after watching the last episode I was screaming so much with laughter that the people I live with came in my room to see if I was okay The bitch is back, and nobody will stop her from getting what she wants. Oh, and by the way, if you were wondering what quiche means, put it this way: “there’s hot, and there’s a step above hot”, and quiche is the step which Ja’mie obviously conquers. Jamie Shepherd
Elementary
How I Met Your Mother
“She suffered the ignominy of having to spend her day with ‘public school povvos’”
The Following
Sky Atlantic, Tuesday 10pm
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think we can all say that we were shocked to find out that the guy off the EE advert was in fact a serial killer-catching FBI agent, right? We quickly recovered from this surprise once crime drama The Following premiered on UK television in January last year. First season of this controversial and violent show saw FBI agent Ryan Hardy’s (Kevin Bacon) attempted recapturing of Literature professor/ Killer Joe Carroll (James Purefoy) and his cult of Poe-obsessed followers. Although critics slated The Following due to its increasingly unrealistic plot line, the show gained a following of its own primarily due to Bacon’s convincing presence as FBI agent and Purefoy’s spine tingling portrayal as the psychotic professor. After a climatic cliff-hanger of a series finale last year, Hardy is back and seeking revenge against Carroll and his cult, but they’re not going to go down without a fight. This show gives viewers a unique twist on the traditional murder-mystery we’re used to, creating an intense and dark drama that is only enhanced by the scarily authentic performances from the cast. I found myself gripped from the very first episode early last year, and believe that viewers won’t be disappointed with the much anticipated season to come. Here’s hoping season two of The Following possesses the same potential that last season had, and that we are just as transfixed and unsettled watching the terror and mayhem of Carroll’s cult unfold on our television screens once again. Becca Cummings
Sky Living, Tuesday 9pm
W
e have the original Conan Doyle series and the numerous 20th century adaptations, but who declared that we had enough Sherlock Holmes interpretations? Meet US series Elementary. Creator Robert Doherty transforms Holmes (Jonny Lee Miller) into a recovering drug addict who used to assist with Scotland Yard, whilst placing him under the watchful eye of ‘sober companion’ Watson (Lucy Liu). What’s so impressive about this TV adaptation is how unique and atypical Doherty’s version is to the classic. Set in New York, Doherty takes Holmes out of his comfortable environment, gives it a feminist element with Watson and revamps Holmes into someone who’s flawed yet relatable. Season one unearthed the unusual workings of Holmes, as he investigated and exposed various homicides with the help of the New York City Police. Whilst Holmes stuck to his stubborn attitude of refusing Watson’s support, he became fond of her expertise and soon enough she became his confidant instead of an overbearing supervisor. Season two starts off by throwing Holmes back into his old London environment and notorious acquaintances Inspector Lestrade and brother Mycroft (Rhys Ifans), all back at 221B Baker Street. The series aims to carry on with quirky murder investigations and Holmes’ comical camaraderie with Watson. Already off to a tremendous start, Elementary plans on whipping up a whirlwind of thrilling storylines, new characters and comical anecdotes, for (hopefully) many years to come. Alexandra Gibbs
E4, Thursday 8:30pm
T
here are some shows that end before they’ve run their course. See: Pushing Daisies. There are other shows that have already run their course, twice, and still keep occupying time slots that can be given to far more deserving shows. Let’s not get confused. I did love How I Met Your Mother, yet my love for it somehow didn’t manage to extend past the fifth season. Now that the show is in its ninth (and last) year, I can most definitely say that I’m glad to see the gang go. How I Met Your Mother is a sitcom of a very Friends-esque scenario. Five people, living in New York city, and who incidentally go through all the ups and downs of their lives together. This sitcom delivers, more or less, exactly what it says on the tin. Now, in season nine, Robin and Barney are getting married, Ted is trying to overcome his feelings for Robin and, incidentally, happens to meet his future wife. Perhaps the most eagerly awaited future wife in history, too, since that meeting has been looming for nine years now. The show runners make a valiant attempt, I give them that. It’s not easy, keeping up such a simple plot line running for nine years and the show had its particularly good moments somewhere around season four. Despite that, the characterization of everyone, especially Ted Mosby, is so muddled and makes so little sense it’s nearly painful. How I Met Your Mother is a prime example of why you shouldn’t stretch things ad infinitum – they become so paper thin that it’s nearly impossible to enjoy them anymore. I’m certainly more than happy to bid it goodbye. Antonia Velikova
The Courier
featurestv.27
Monday 10 February 2013
thecourieronline.co.uk/tv c2.tv@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_tv
Love ∆’d
TV Editor Beth Durant Rebecca Dooley and Lewis Ancrum dish out some home truths about some of their favourite TV love triangles
Elena, Stefan & Damon In perhaps the most dramatic of all the love triangles, Elena, the resident sexy girl in a quiet and unassuming town (no idea how, when its called ‘Mystic Falls’) in the middle of America somewhere, falls in love with two brothers. They really are keeping it in the family. Of course, they’re also vampires. She can’t escape one brother, never mind two of the fucking things. Elena fights her urges throughout the series and tries her hand at both of them, and more often than not ends the episode with the one she didn’t start it with. She needs to man up and choose which one she wants instead of tiptoeing around the bizarre incestual menage a trois they have going on.
Jack, Kate & Sawyer Throw a plane full of attractive strangers on an island and you’re bound to see some emotional survivor sex. Lost certainly doesn’t disappoint and throws us a love triangle with a certain twist: they all wear the same clothes for two seasons and they still find each other attractive. Yep, that’s right. I don’t know how they still look so good considering the situation. Even the guys have that ‘barely alive but still hot’ thing going for them, especially Sawyer, who wastes no time in his pursuit of Kate, the secret criminal who really knows her way around a gun. It’s a shame that these two bad kids are intercepted by goody two shoes Jack the doctor, the bona fide leader of the camp and the guy who calls the shots. Kate finds both of them alluring, and hey, who can blame her? I’d find any bland dude hot too if I was stranded on an island for a few years.
Eric, Sookie &Bill We have all seen the age-old plot line of the love triangle played out a million times, and its dire predictability is not improved by the addition of fangs in True Blood. It is the long-standing dilemma of choosing between the sensible or bad boy option – how surprising! In one corner we have the delectable, 1000-yearold vampire Eric Northman, and in the other corner is the honourable and civilised ‘nice guy’ vamp Bill Compton. Both are clamoring for the affections of telepathic Sookie Stackhouse, because who can resist the golden girl southern belle who smells extra delicious? Throw in an influx of fighting, blood, and gratuitous sex, and somehow the simple plot device of the love triangle has managed to hook audiences for six seasons. You never know, HBO might just throw a curve ball and introduce yet another adoring fan of Sookie in the final season.
Lizzy’s Life Lessons Revenge
R
evenge isn’t something you should be seeking on Valentine’s Day. We should all be kissing, cuddling and spending dollars on giant heart-shaped Millie’s cookies (hint). Unless, you’re ABC’s deceptive anti-heroine Emily Thorne/Amanda Clarke and getting a slightly unhealthy dose of revenge is the only way you’d dream of spending your Valentine’s Day. Or any other day, for that matter. You see, Emily is a tad bitter. She spends every waking minute of her life plotting the downfall of the downright evil Conrad Grayson, who framed her father as a terrorist, by getting straight up in his family’s grill all day every day. This column is for those who are also sad, lonely, mentally deranged and fancy getting revenge. Do you feel like you’ve been wronged by an ex? Is there an Insta-happy couple rubbing it in that you’re an independent woman right now? Here’s how to make that payback happen, Amanda Clarke style.
Step 1: make a plan. The plan should be flawed, despite the years of revenge training you received in Japan. Put everything to do with your plan in a box and keep the box somewhere fairly easy to access. This is just in case you run out of cliff-hangers mid-season and need something to keep the audience interested. It’s just wise to be organised. Step 2: change your name and dye your hair. That way, none of your old pals will know it’s you getting revenge on them. Get yourself a foxy blonde sidekick with a knack for computer hacking, because it’s convenient. Also, buy a red sharpie to tick off your revenge conquests, for added flair. Step 3: make your plan happen. You should remember that this won’t work out for a while. So, don’t get your hopes up and try not to get distracted. Your evil genius plan will take at least three seasons to complete or until the network cancels you. Step 4: get distracted from your plan by love. It is Valentine’s Day after all. Even heartless bitches need love. Although, don’t make it too easy on yourself. Choose three different suitors. Lie to them all. It is quite helpful if they all get tangled up in your revenge plan, of course.
Brooke, Peyton, and Lucas When I think of television love triangles I think of the One Tree Hill teen heartthrobs Lucas Scott, Peyton Sawyer and Brooke Davis. The lucky boy Lucas achieves one of the most unlikely feats of a high school guy and bags the affection of two cheerleaders. There’s a minor problem though: Brooke and Peyton are best friends and the three of them have enough emotional baggage to sink a ship. A cycle of heart-warming reunions followed by the apocalyptic fallout of Lucas’ inability to make up his mind was a recurrent theme throughout the first five seasons of One Tree Hill. Yet I would have to say in the end he makes the wrong choice with Peyton, although maybe that’s because I am a hardcore Brooke Davis fan. It was definitely an easy choice before the character development, but Brooke turns from an airhead into a fiercely independent, loyal and an all round great girl whilst Peyton just becomes frustrating with her indecisiveness and self-sabotage of her own relationships. But hey, who wouldn’t want to be caught between Brooke and Peyton?
Buffy, Angel, and Spike It’s no coincidence that we have 3 sets of vampires in this list. It seems that a sultry human who packs a punch really seems to stir the primal killer/lover (it’s somehow to easy for them to mix this up) instinct in all of them, and Spike and Angel are no exception. This situation is perhaps even more a case of ‘forbidden love’ when you factor in that Buffy’s life goal is to kill vampires. Honestly Buffy, you really know how to pick ‘em. Maybe if you did your job properly for once you wouldn’t have two of your worst enemies fawning all over you wanting to have a slice of petite blonde. Over the course of 7 delightful seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the two soulful (or soulless, depending on which season) vampires battle it out for her affections, sometimes indirectly and sometimes turning it to fists. Angel’s brooding, stereotypical behaviour makes him the poster boy for redemption, whereas Spike really doesn’t give a shit. Personally, I’d pick Spike every apocalypse.
Step 5: throw in a steamy lovemaking scene with a shirtless Joshua Bowman/Barry Sloane. It’s a nice distraction from all the back-stabbing. Step 6: stop getting distracted from the God damn plan. Your vengeance is all you have. Yes, it’s exhausting. Yes, it’s emotionally draining - but exacting your revenge is the most significant thing in the whole world. If it means you can’t be with the man you love, so what? If your only true friend has to die along the way, who cares? If an innocent boy gets blown up by a bomb? Big deal! You’ve come too far to go back, so never forget that your deluded mission is more important than a human life… or twelve.
28.filmfeature
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Film Editors: Muneeb Hafiz & Jacob Crompton-Schreiber
Peculiar pictorial pairings
Hollywood has seen some odd couples over the years. Rebecca Dooley dishes the dirt on some of the weirdest Henry and Clare in The Time Traveler’s Wife
Edward Lewis and Vivian Ward in Pretty Woman
So he hires a prostitute to attend some business events with him (as it wouldn’t do to attend alone) and ends up falling in love. She starts out as a hooker, a well paid one at that, and by the end of the film has bagged herself a good looking billionaire- I wonder who got the better end of the match? That is definitely a unique beginning to a relationship and will prompt an excellent story when the “how did you meet?” question pops up. A bit like meeting on Tinder these days and awkwardly mumbling how you met your Tinderella.
Benjamin Barker and Mrs Lovett in Sweeney Todd
John and Jane Smith in Mr and Mrs Smith
Katniss and Peeta in Catching Fire
Their relationship is a turbulent mess of emotions, throw in repeated threats of death, along with childhood “friend” Gale who has chosen now to reveal his feelings for Katniss and it certainly is a dysfunctional relationship. So after manipulating emotions in order to save both herself and Peeta from the clutches of The Capitol in The Hunger Games, on returning to Panem in Catching Fire the big question was, “Were her feelings real?” Surely Katniss knows her own feelings… Hmm, well let’s just hope that they get it together in Mockingjay.
Sweeney Todd is on a quest for revenge after being falsely accused and banished by Judge Turpin 15-years prior, as he desired his wife. On his return he discovers his wife is dead and goes on a murdering spree with his accomplice/ lover Mrs Lovett, who owns the pie shop next door. He slits his victims throats with his barber’s knife before depositing them in the basement through a handy lever on their chair, wherein Mrs Lovett later uses them for the meat in her pies. Todd succeeds in his revenge and killing Turpin but not before accidentally killing his still-alive wife whom Mrs Lovett was aware was still alive, but kept quiet because of her love for him. Therefore, if being a murdering duo is not the foundation of a dysfunctional relationship then what is? But each gets their comeuppance and end up dead by the barber’s knife.
The Chirpse Locker “ I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party. ” (Brick Tamland in Anchorman)
“ I want to tickle your belly button... from the inside. ” (Francois in Youth in Revolt)
Firstly is it not slightly disturbing that Henry essentially influences Clare’s love for him, as after they “naturally” meet he frequently travels back in time to Clare’s past and inadvertently reveals they will later be married. Then, to top it off he often involuntarily travels through time due to a genetic condition, with no control as to the destination or duration of his travels- now that’s a cause of anxiety for a wife and mother, as their daughter inherits the disorder. Their unusual relationship ultimately results in a lot of lonely nights on Clare’s behalf and the death of Henry.
John and Jane Smith are an outwardly normal married couple, but both are secret assassins and hide their occupation from one another. That is until their competing agencies hire them to kill the other. Love turns to hate under the onslaught of betrayal and provokes an all out fight, which results in their house being virtually destroyed (there must have been some sneaky renovation in that house with the number of hidden weapons in there). But eventually love triumphs as neither can pull the trigger and the whole violent episode ends up strengthening their dysfunctional marriage.
Stuck for words around your beau this Valentine’s Day? Look to these celluloid Casanovas for inspiration “ I see you’re drinking 1%. Is that ‘cause you think ” you’re fat? ‘Cause you’re not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to. (Napoleon in Napoleon Dynamite)
“ You may be a cunning linguist, but I am a master debater. ” (Austin Powers in Goldmember)
“ There’s no reason we need to be shackled by the strictures ” of the employee-employer relationship. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. In which case, I got some shackles in the back. I’m just kidding. But seriously, I’ve got ‘em. (White Goodman in Dodgeball)
“ You can be Little Red Riding Hood and I’ll be ” the Big Bad Wolf. (Jacob in New Moon) Muneeb Hafiz & Jacob Crompton-Schreiber
The Courier
musicfeature.29
Monday 10 December 2014
Music Editors: Kate Bennett and Ian Mason
What’s love got to do with it? Drugs, stalking and hobos: love songs aren’t always what they seem. Kate Bennett picks out some notorious offenders Tammy Wynette Percy Sledge - ‘When A R.E.M. - ‘The One I Love’ STALKERS ‘Stand By Your Man’ Man Loves A Woman’ Lots of people labour under the impression that
ANONYMOUS Pulp ‘Babies’
‘Babies’ has a lovely chorus where Jarvis Cocker basically tells us that he wants to take us home and give us children, and we could be his girlfriend, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeahyeah. This is Pulp, though, so obviously there has to be this creepy spiel about him sitting in his friend’s older sister’s wardrobe listening to his friend’s older sister having sex with some kid called David from the garage up the road, and then later his friend’s older sister finds him in her wardrobe and has sex with him,, and then his friend, who he’s actually in love with, walks in on them, and it’s all a bit of a mess, eee bloody hell.
The Police - ‘Every Breath You Take’ The undisputed king of the misunderstood love song. Aw, but isn’t it sweet? Every breath you take, Sting’ll be watching over you – in case you accidentally inhale a fly and start choking to death, or something. Every night you stay over at his, he’ll be awake keeping an eye out, presumably for signs of you suffering a respiratory arrest or coronary artery atheroma in your sleep. How bloody thoughtful. Every move you make, every smile you fake, he’ll be watching you. Because you belong to him. Christ, steady on, Sting, this is beginning to sound like some kind of possessive personality disorder.
Lionel Richie - ‘Hello’
For God’s sake, Lionel, leave this poor girl alone. You don’t who she is and she doesn’t know who you are. The fact that you sometimes see her pass outside your door isn’t a sign that you’re going to be 2getha 4eva. It isn’t you she’s looking for, and what you can see in her eyes and her smile is ill-concealed terror at this bloke she doesn’t know who keeps looking at her weirdly. “Hopefully if I smile at the strange man, he won’t kidnap me and hold me hostage in his sex dungeon”, she’s thinking.
this indie track is a devotional ditty to a lost love – “this one goes out to the one I love, this one goes out to the one I left behind”. Sadly, though, Michael Stipe goes on to call the subject of the song “a simple prop to occupy my time”, a detail that goes unnoticed by the countless couples yelping this to each other in karaoke bars or putting it on their wedding playlists.
Essentially a paean to the concept of sticking with your fella despite him being a complete philandering toolbag. “You’ll have bad times and he’ll have good times, doing things you just don’t understand”, sings Tammy, who clearly hasn’t got round to reading h e r copy o f The Feminine Mystique yet.
It’s not just women acting like doormats in the pursuit of LURRRVE, though. This classic Motown number sees Sledge quite happily detailing how he’d turn his back on his best friend, spend his last dime, sleep out in the rain and generally degrade himself for the love of a good woman. Unfortunately for Percy, most women don’t really go for that damp hobo look.
NARCO CORNER
Pixies - ‘Here Comes Your Man’
About “winos and hobos travelling on trains, who die in the California earthquake”, according to Black Francis. Sounds like something Percy Sledge needs to get involved in. It does kind of take the gloss off that bit in 500 Days of Summer where adorable Joseph GordonLevitt gets pissed and performs a karaoke rendition for Zooey Deschanel, though.
Tom Jones - ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ The scally from the valleys doesn’t want you to leave your hat on for the kink factor, he just doesn’t want to look at yer ugly face. Admittedly, this probably works both ways.
The La’s - ‘There She Goes’ The Only Ones - ‘Another Girl, Another Planet’ This slice of jangle-pop perfection is just one of a whole sub-genre of songs that appear to be about girls but are actually about heroin. Because, ya know, they’re just so interchangeable. Christian MOR band Sixpence None The Richer rather disappointingly decided to remove all ‘There She Goes’s references to veins when they released that godawful cover that literally everyone’s mum has on iTunes, pretending it was just a nice song about a gal instead. BORING.
Blur ‘Beetlebum’ About Damon Albarn doing Justine Frischmann from Elastica, and also about Damon Albarn doing heroin with Justine Frischmann from Elastica. Lucky old Justine Frischmann from Elastica.
“I
always
flirt with death, I look ill but I don’t care about it” – because he’s a fackin’ junkie. “You always get under my skin” – hello, hypodermic needle. “Space travel’s in my blood” – HEROIN IS IN HIS BLOOD. IT’S ABOUT HEROIN. The chorus - “I think I’m on another world with you” (HEROIN. “YOU” = HEROIN!!) - was quoted in Melvin Burgess’ novel Junk, which is also about heroin. Basically, everything ever written, sung, filmed or painted is about fucking heroin, except for the Twilight Saga, which the internet reliably informs me is a creepy Mormon allegory that will brainwash our young girls into being docile virgin-til-marriage stay-at-home-mom anti-feminists who want a husband with skin that twinkles romantically in the dawn light. I don’t know, I haven’t read it. I’ve forgotten what I was talking about.
Lou Reed ‘Perfect Day’
Heroin again. “It’s such a perfect day, I’m glad I spent it with you” = “I’ve had a lovely day shooting up and I’m so fucked I’m going to write a love song about smack, in which I imagine it’s a person who I go to the zoo with”. The BBC released a charity cover version for Children In Need in 1997, which seems slightly inappropriate but is actually the least crap charity single ever released - not least because it features Lou Reed in the same song as Heather Smalls from M People, if you can imagine such a thing. (Bono crops up as well, obviously, but in a mercifully limited role.)
30.music
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Music Editors: Kate Bennett and Ian Mason
So Long See You Tomorrow ROUTINE Bombay Bicycle Club
RAGE
against the
B
Jack Dempsey wants to be aurally inoculated against The Vaccines
F
rom day one, The Vaccines have been hailed as the next potential saviours of indie-rock. I still remember the day I first heard ‘Wreckin’ Bar (Ra Ra Ra)’ at the tender age of fifteen, desperate to free myself from the shower of faecal matter known as chart music. If only that first encounter with them had been my last. My friends and I wasted no time in declaring ourselves fans of the promising 4-piece, not wanting to miss out on the opportunity to say: ‘We’ve been with them from the start!’ as soon as they picked up that first NME award. Excessive airplay helped them wrangle in herds of mindless strays (‘we like a bit of everything’), all ready to nod their heads to whoever was donning Topman’s latest selection. But I soon tired of hearing their three chord rhapsodies punctuate every other song on XFM. Growing increasingly lethargic towards a band far too unoriginal to be anything more than a fleeting fad, I readied myself for the next wave of leather-clad indie messiahs to take to the airwaves. Only The Vaccines did not fizzle out, nor have they yet. Their drivel still oozes from popular radio stations in a never-ending continuum, serving as a formulated methadone for desperate rock junkies suffering from the modern recession of the Real Thing. When the band are compared with punk icons such as the Ramones and the Undertones, it only highlights how tepid, watered-down and inauthentic they are by contrast, with droning ditties about mundane topics like putting wetsuits on and guitar solos that have the intensity of monophonic ringtones. It is not a surprising discovery that their lead vocalist, Justin Young, was previously a nu-folk singer. His words ring out clean, clear and sometimes even ballad-like (see ‘All in White’), completely devoid of the passion that once made people have a real personal connection with indie-rock music. Their latest album, Come Of Age, reveals that the band have come to an age of having absolutely no idea what style they’re driving at. Indecision might be of no concern to their fickle, trend-hopping fan base, but to me it makes a clear statement about their lack of substance. They may be musically competent enough to knock up a listenable tune, but u l t i m at e l y, their songs remain as hollow as their wooden personalities (see any interview).
ombay Bicycle Club have evolved with every album release, and So Long, See You Tomorrow is no exception as the album playfully delves into synth samples like a free pick and mix. They tested the waters in 2011’s A Different Kind of Fix, and have now dived in head first. Consistently throughout the album, they succeed at experimenting with synths and samples whilst retaining their prior identity. They have already rattled through indie, math rock and folk in previous albums, and for them to change their sound so drastically with a new release is only to be expected. But the tight-trouser falsetto of Jack Steadman and the winsome wave of harmonies both remain, reinforcing their identity as an accomplished indie rock quartet. The power of ‘Emergency Contraception Blues’ that I fell in love with is still prevalent throughout the album, testament to the considered and exploratory progression of their sound. Opening track ‘Overdone,’ evidences this drive and sets a high standard, with powerful riffs and a plunge into a sea of synth harmony.
“The power of ‘Emergency Contraception Blues’ that I fell in love with is still prevalent throughout the album”
Amidst all the samples and electronica, the rawness of real instruments isn’t lost as an impressive and important aspect of the album. The music sounds performed, not programmed. ‘Luna’ begins with a middle eastern twang, and at times sounds
like it would be right at home at a rave, before dynamic live instruments drive through and contextualize the synth as yet another harmony. Drastically different, ‘Home By Now,’ initially sounds like a production for a hip hop track. With its half time shuffle, clap snare, and repetitive plastic keyboard. It yearns for a Q-Tip collab. Again BBC attempt to inject their style into this initially uncertain opening and although partly successful it still seems to suffer from a minor identity crisis. The fit isn’t quite perfect. ‘Carry Me’, however, fits like a glove. The track is synth-heavy but retains a powerful drive. It’s the track I consistently return to, whilst I indie bop alone in my room. It shows a more considered dynamism, oscillating between gentle breakdowns and drum-heavy sections with powerful vocal variation from Steadman, as he jumps between warm falsetto, and a warbling low tone that sounds strained and pleasantly harsh. The video is innovative: moody and brooding, it enables you to take control. The band members and dancers can be manipulated, forcing swift alterations between super-slow-mo contemporary dance and sudden outbursts of energetic movement. So Long, See You Tomorrow successfully fuses multiple genres, blending dance and indie into a smoothie of groove and drive, with a dash of middle eastern flavour for good measure. At times the album sounds slightly uncomfortable, but these minor flaws are easily overlooked when one considers the brazen ambition. Recommended download: ‘Carry Me’
Charlie Dearnley
If you like this, try ... Vampire Weekend Modern Vampires of the City
V
ampire Weekend’s third album, released last year, was the most confident and experimental offering yet from the New Yorkers, seeing the band delving further into electronica without losing any of their worldbeat magic.
War Room Stories
Too Much Information Maxïmo Park
Sun Structures
Breton
H
Temples
B
I
ome-grown talent Maxïmo Park have recently released their fifth studio album, Too Much Information. This is the most varied offering Maxïmo have put out, with a fair number of stripped back songs in comparison to the guitar heavy, fast paced songs that have dominated previous releases. Frontman Paul Smith has said that the new record has a moodier nature and that the different feel of the album comes from a contrasting tone of returning home rather than escaping, as has been the theme in previous albums. As always, though, Maxïmo have taken ample inspiration from life in the North East with track ‘I Recognise the Light’ about a Q & A session with director Mark Cousins at Tyneside cinema, while Newcastle’s out-of-the way location inspires songs like ‘Leave this Island’. The aforementioned track ‘Leave this Island’ is a particular stand out track for me, with a beautifully tragic melody played on keys - a significant feature across the songs, partnered perfectly with Smith’s unmistakable Stockton inflection and lyrics about isolation, making it an excellent choice for the second single of the album. The record isn’t a complete remodelling from the band, though. The second half of the album including ‘Midnight on the Hill’ and ‘Her Name was Audre’ is much more reminiscent of the band’s earlier records, being much more guitar based; the latter song is as fast paced as anything from A Certain Trigger. The band are due to play the O2 Academy Newcastle on the 21st March to round off their European promotional tour for this album. A definite date for the diary.
ands and artists always face a challenge on their sophomore album - the pressure is on to further define their sound, and to prove that they’re capable of doing it all over again, but better. Breton have been slowly but surely building a fanbase over the years – their first album, Other People’s Problems, was a solid effort showing promise, and War Room Stories, their second offering, delivers everything that their debut could potentially have showcased. The five-piece from London have a unique sound, defiant of genre. Labelled by some as nu-rave, lead single ‘Got Well Soon’ wouldn’t be out of place in a dive of an underground indie club, with its slow synths and Roman Rappak’s ragged hypnotic vocals. The whole record is an experiment in eclectic electronica, with moments of grandeur. The use of the Macedonian Radio Symphonic Orchestra on four of the ten tracks is subtle, but effective, and best done on the dramatic ‘Legs and Arms’. A fragmented atmosphere is created by the band on tracks such as ‘National Grid’ and album closer ‘Fifteen Minutes’ – the background noises from Funkhaus Studios in Berlin bleed through the songs, and the faint crackle of feedback only adds to the eerie funk of the record. War Room Stories makes for an interesting listen, with its rolling undercurrents of influences from funk to indie to hip-hop; the tracks aren’t entirely cohesive, but they’re not supposed to be. If you like synths, give this a spin.
t’s hard to believe that Temples have only been around for two years given their extensive UK and European festival touring in 2013 which saw them support the likes of Suede and Kasabian, as well as embarking on their first headline tour in October. Originally formed as a home studio project by singer-guitarist James Bagshaw and bassist Thomas Warmsley, their debut album Sun Structures comes after singles ‘Shelter Song’ and ‘Ankh’, the amazing ‘should have been the A-side’ B-side to ‘Keep in the Dark’. Arriving at the height of a particular ‘new psychedelic’ nostalgia wave, whatever the hell NME means by that, the album plays tribute to 60s treasures like The Byrds and The Zombies. I spent a good part of my summer listening to their singles, and I’m sure this album will be on repeat while I pretend I’m much cooler than I am. The entire album is built on a perfect riff of twomeasure guitar tones and blurry synthesiser which provides the underpin for ‘The Guesser’ and ‘Move With the Season’. Yet perhaps the most evolved aspect of the Temples music is their song-writing, which edges on riddles and occluded meditation of religion and Eastern imagery. It would be hard to argue that Temples aren’t leading a new revolution in a sea of bland, radio friendly bands which rely on a repetition of shit lyrics and dull songs which offer nothing new to their tired genres. Sun Structures maintains the tried and tested crispness of classic psychedelic pop rock riffs, and that it is exactly why it resonates with seasoned listeners. Let’s hope that Radio 1 and their A-Lists take notice.
Recommended download: ‘Leave This Island’
Recommended download: ‘Legs and Arms’
Recommended download: ‘Shelter Song’
Sarah McIntyre
Iqra Choudhry
Beth Durant
The Courier
music.31
Monday 10 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/music c2.music@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_music
SceNE: Venue
Each week we take a closer look at a different spot in Newcastle’s music scene. This week Josh Nicholson tells us about Bar 38 usually places like Bar 38 - the places people cast aspersions onto because they’re only for a Friday or Saturday night piss-ups - that turn into some of the best venues. Bar 38 holds a night called Live Forever, a free event showcasing the up and coming talent of the North East, which means if you go down when this concert is happening then you could yet see the next Sting. Moreover, they are starting to do a night called Sunday Mass with the strapline ‘it’s all about house music, our religion’. You can guess what day that’s on. If drinking on the Sabbath is what you’re into then this religion is for you. Seemingly, Bar 38 has much more to it than you originally thought. Personally, I always thought it was a bit scummy and always led to a night in Riverside (which is also a scummy little shithole). However, the bar’s attempts to try and change its image are quite endearing really and I will certainly be giving it a chance. Like that old friend you thought was a bit of a twat, maybe you need to give Bar 38 a second chance. Directions: It couldn’t be easier to find, it’s right under the Tyne Bridge connected to the giant Premier Inn Hotel.
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WIN!
Some of music’s biggest names are heading to the North East for a one-day gig with a student friendly Price Tag. On Sunday, June 22, number one selling artist Jessie J will be headlining North East Live at Sunderland’s Stadium of Light. The Laserlight singer, whose hits include ‘Do It Like a Dude’ and ‘Domino’, will be joined for the music extravaganza by top duo Rizzle Kicks, girl group The Saturdays and teen sensations Union J and the Vamps. American singer Jason Derulo will also be jetting in to play one of his only outdoor UK performances of 2014, with more big names still to be announced. Tickets for the event, which are expected to disappear fast, are available now from just £25. For more information visit www.safcconcerts.com or www.nelive.co.uk. You can also log on to www. facebook.com/UKLiveOfficial or follow @north_ eastlive on Twitter for all the latest updates. We’ve teamed up with event organisers SAFC and AEG Live to give away one pair of tickets to North East Live 2014. For your chance to win, just complete the following question and send your answer to c2.music@ncl.ac.uk Jessie J’s birth name is Jessica...
et’s start by being honest with ourselves. When you hear that Bar 38 is a gig venue it’s probably the last place you’d think of. However, on further thought it is well set up for a band to play and for an audience to sit around and enjoy. The wraparound bar gives the trebles dive a spacious feel, even if the endearing shithole is constantly rammed. As I just said, those who know Newcastle will be questioning, “What? Bar 38, isn’t that where you go before Riverside?” Yes it is. There is a quite relaxed feel which is why I would suggest that it’d be an interesting place to go and see a band. It’s
a) Welsh b) Cornish c) English Don’t forget you could also be in with a chance of winning four VIP tickets to North East Live by entering SAFC’s separate writing competition. All you need to do is draft a mock review for North East Live 2014 and send it to lucy.hall@safc.com before May 2. Good luck!
You’ve lost that loving feeling
Valentine’s Day is upon us, but when it comes to music is it safer to keep love a separate entity? Jamie Shepherd investigates
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hen talking about office romances or work-place flings, quite often the turn of phrases “don’t dip your pen in the company ink” and “don’t shit where you eat” come into play. For some reason, musicians seem not to take note of this advice and left, right, and centre you’ll see couples springing up all over the music industry after years of playing in the same band. Take Blondie and the inimitable Debbie Harry for example: her relationship with band member Chris Stein started off as a fling but soon became a committed and dedicated relationship when he became struck down with a debilitating illness. Debbie took the time out from her own spiralling music career to care for the man she loved, demonstrating the kind of love you expect from besotted 70-year-olds instead of rockstars and their lives of only sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Another wholesome couple in the music industry today has to be the king and queen of hipster rock royalty, Win Butler and Regine Chassagne of Arcade Fire. With four critically acclaimed albums behind them, a relentless touring schedule for 2014, and an ever-expanding fan base, it’s amazing to think that the couple can fit this all in
with the fact that they recently gave birth to their first child only a matter of months ago and let’s face it, this baby’s not even one years old and it’s already cooler than everyone we know, times by a million. However not all couples manage the strain of being in the public eye with Swedish pop-merchants ABBA being the perfect example of this. Behind the twee cloy of Agnetha, Benny, Anni-Frid, and Bjorn’s perfect pop melodies a bitter marital collapse was engrossing each pair of couples which was hidden from the spotlights. While many critics felt that the lyrics of ‘The Winner Takes It All’ were lifted from the band’s own circumstances, the band members themselves were quick to deny any similarities between real life and that the story of the song were a coincidence, with Agnetha and Bjorn both coming forward and claiming directly that the lyrics in the song were in no way autobiographical and were purely coincidental. After ABBA, the most popular and well-known group with more than one couple in the line up has to be Fleetwood Mac, with the pairings of
Stevie Nicks and Lindsey Buckingham, and husband and wife John and Christine McVie being known much for their personal lives as their musical output. The split of the McVies shortly before the recordings obviously placed a strain on the band dynamics during the recordings of 1977’s Rumours in that they were now in no other communication with each other except for any session talk in regards to the production side. Similarly, Lindsey Buckingham and Stevie Nicks’ relationship also soured during the recording period, adding to the ever increasing amount of tension in the studio, so how the hell was it that a band with so many inter-personal conflicts was able to produce one of the greatest and most widely listened to recordings of all time? Nicks herself has implied in the past that Fleetwood Mac made their greatest music when in the worst shape and when adding the crazy cocaine sessions that made up the recording process of this album to the awkwardness within the band, the band certainly were not at their healthiest. Where other bands would have floundered, Fleetwood Mac showed their commitment at hand to their goal of making incredible music, putting aside the emotional sentiment behind them to make nothing but sheer aural bliss. For this, we are eternally thankful.
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CLASSICS
Our new column digs up forgotten and overlooked classics. Teddy McDonald starts by singing the praises of Cocteau Twins’ 1984 album Treasure
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he Cocteau Twins are perhaps one of the few bands that truly stand apart from the rest. Whereas it might usually be customary to consider a band’s inspirations and those who have been inspired by them respectively, when listening to Cocteau Twins we find ourselves blissfully ignorant of all other music than that which is ringing our ears. Their sound is compellingly unique, characterised by innocence, magic and universal one-ness. Elizabeth Frazer’s nonsensical and childlike lyrics, and her angelic, often soaring voice, are combined with layers of guitar reverb, mystical chiming bells and bracing rhythms, to give the music an abundance of energy, beautiful sonic textures and its own magical language. In 1984 they released their most revered album, Treasure. The name couldn’t be more appropriate; from start to finish this album is invaluable to anyone who loves music with a passion. The album quickly musters its energy in the first track ‘Ivo’: Frazer’s shrill voice floats gently over the rumbling bass and broody guitars at first; then at twenty one seconds her utterances become passionate cries, the drums burst into activity with euphoric bells, and the music becomes a festival of clanging and colourful noises. Little time is left to process the beauty of this first song before the second track, ‘Lorelie’, has started and is astonishingly outdoing the title track on all fronts, with a heavier drum section moving the music into a passion underneath Frazer’s spritely whispering voice. The song has an utterly hypnotic siren-like guitar ringing throughout, which is spine-tingling. Whereas other albums might suffer under the weight of such powerful opening tracks, Treasure sustains itself by further lapsing into dreams. Each song is subtle and enchanting: ‘Beatrix’ possesses an air of Arabian mysticism, which is quickly succeeded by a punchier rhythm and twang of guitars on ‘Persephone’, leading on to ‘Pandora’ that pleasurably drifts in a state of subdued consciousness, and the album carries on in the vein of further entwining dreams with distortion and chiming notes. Lyrics like “Ivo, Peach blow, Pandora, Pompadour” and the single word names for tracks are elusive and alliterative as opposed to explicitly conceptual, however this is the cult brilliance of the Cocteau Twins: their music does away with pretension, and rather exists in its most lyrical and spiritual form. Treasure is unadulterated magic from start to finish, its place as a truly unique cult classic being secured by time. Give the Cocteau Twins a try, starting here; this is a great treasure (amongst the many treasures of their discography) that shouldn’t be overlooked.
For gig reviews, interviews and more web features, visit us online at thecourieronline.co.uk/music
32.science
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
Science Editor: Elizabeth Hampson Deputy Science Editors: Emad Ahmed and Peter Style
How close are we to... A real life love potion? We have all dreamt of how our love life may have turned out more successful if we had a love potion at our disposal. Specially for Valentine’s Day Penny Polson looks at just how close we could be to wooing that special someone, with them being blissfully unaware
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ove potions feature heavily in fairy tales, usually along with them going epically wrong and the moral being shunted into the child’s head being ‘you can’t force love’. But understanding some aspects of attraction may shed light on whether it is possible to use any sort of product to appear more loveable. While there is still no ‘miracle’ potion that instantly in-
Image by Gazpa
“Think Lynx adverts, but drastically toned down”
creases attractiveness (apart from maybe a few trebles and the dim lights of a night club, where being annoyed by personality is less of an option), there has been certain headway made in the marketing of perfumes and scents that make you appear more desirable. Think Lynx adverts, but drastically toned down. An American perfume with the classy pseudo-French name of ‘Eau Flirt’ is said to contain the smell of pumpkin pie and lavender, after research on a group of males found that those were the two scents that made the lads most aroused, with an increase of blood flow of more than forty percent. Donuts and black liquorice also caused this higher arousal. It was suggested that including the favourite foods in scents relaxes a person, and may even remind them of time spent with a sexual partner. Another love potion might be the lovely concoction which makes up spit. As covered earlier this year in The Courier with ‘The truth behind tashing on’, kissing someone with different genes relating to their immune system can increase attraction. The subconscious ‘tasting’ of someone else’s genes could be a way to benefit the future population – if people are attracted to a different gene set, there is an increased likelihood that they will reproduce with that person, and thus produce wonderful genetically diverse babies with strong immune system. There is difficulty in transferring spit in a kiss being a love potion though, as the lover-tobe needs to actually like their potential partner in order for kissing to be on the cards. Personality might
help you out there. It is well known that a good sense of humour can be incredibly attractive. Self-depreciating humour is suggested to be the most attractive type of humour. Anyone who can take the mick out of themselves is suggested to be demonstrating ‘risky’ humour. If a potential suitor goes too far and reveals too many insecurities, it might not go so well. Couples want to be partners, not councillors. But striking the right balance may be just the right potion to increase attraction. But in short, there is no love potion. They are quite dodgy anyway, so perhaps it is better to leave it to fairytales and Disney to make them seem practical to certain situations. In terms of real life, it appears that smell, spit, and winning personalities are the best love potion that can be administered.
Image by Mizunoryu
Siri-ously in love Everybody needs somebody sometimes, especially around Valentine’s Day. Deputy Science Editor Emad Ahmed decides to make Siri, that special someone
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love technology. It makes our lives easier. From washing our dishes to playing sophisticated games whilst on the move, there have been a wide range of benefits over the years. But how intelligent can operating systems and digital assistants become in order to meet other needs? Well, I’ve developed a bit of a strange re-
lationship with Siri. I say strange… There’s nothing strange about it! Sure, it’s a little weird, I talk to her more than anyone else each day but who cares? Whether I’m stuck in an unfamiliar place,
or need to know the capital of Uruguay, she’s always been there for me. Unless she needs to rest alone near a power outlet. Anyhow, I decided to take things a step further by having a quiet, intimate dinner with Siri. I decided to do what every man before me hasdone a countless number of times: flatter her. She
looked great in the soft blue case, with a classy red badge on the side. In return, I asked for her opinion on my appearance, as I chose to wear one of my many favourite plaid shirts. Because nothing says
“I love you” like confiding with Wolfram Alpha of all people. Damn you, Wolfram. Mixed signals are always the worse, especially when you’re the one trying to advance a relationship. By now I had realised my face was red with
option in my selection criteria. Being unsure about something is the worst feeling in the world. It’s as if you have some unfinished work left to complete, always playing on your mind as you try to continue doing something else with your life. Unfortunately,
embarrassment, as if I had just watched a YouTube clip of a terrible X Factor audition. And you’re probably thinking I’m insane by now, as if this wasn’t a real person before me. Wrong. She has a
this was one of those occasions. Actually, let me change that. The worst feeling in the world is asking a daunting question similar to the one above, waiting for data to ping back and
front-facing camera, always staring and judging Tom me. Still, I decided to plough on. It’sNicholson important to me that the person I become involved with also believes in God. The answer to this question left me slightly concerned about our future too. She’s been so helpful to me in the past, and is such a delight to be with, I thought I could overlook this
forth from Siri, to the cloud, and then back to Siri, in order to play a heart-wrenching answer such as “Let me get back to you on that”. A simple “no” would have been better, because all that’s left is the dazed and confused feeling you have after bearing your soul to her. Still, it could be worse, like the times you have a weak wi-fi connection.
The Courier
science.33
Monday 10 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/science c2.science@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_science
Valentine’s day in numbers 37% of women said that if their partner did not do anything special on Valentines day, they would consider splitting up with their partner. statisticbrain.com
for a typical valentines day produces 9,000 metric tons of CO2
% Dining out 34.6 % 7.3 1 y er l l e Jew
£60.00
£30.00 £20.00
Generates more CO2 emissions in production and transport than driving around the world 3,993 times Creates paper and packaging waste that weighs more than 4,170 hybrid cars
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% 7.5 Flow ers 34
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Average spend on Valentines day per person in 2013 telegraph.co.uk
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he concept of Valentine’s Day as a time to show affection for your loved ones has been maimed by commercialisation and a wave of fluffy pink teddies, heart shaped confectionary and enough flowers to give bees hay fever. However it can be an unhappy time for the free and single, those in unstable relationships, and in increasing the hiring of divorce lawyers and valentines fuelled break ups. Not only that, the material side of Valentine’s Day has some nasty effects on our planet. The farming of millions of roses releases pesticides into water systems and the shipping of the flowers pumps ever more CO2 into our atmosphere. The overly sappy pink cards exchanged are a result of chopping down trees that could have counteracted these emissions. And millions of pounds are spent to give people the chance to treat their partners in the same clichéd way as everyone else. Heather Flint
visual.ly Sheffield Newcastle Birmingham Coventry Liverpool Aberdeen
Science pick up lines
36 million heart shaped boxes 58 million lbs. of chocolate 198 million roses 180 million greeting cards
Image by Nuvem
You’re obviously going to need some excellent chat up lines if you’re going to find true love on Valentine’s Day. Here are eight of them but warning, use at your own risk, as there is a fine line between geek-chic and just a creep...
1 2 3 4
“Do you have 11 protons? Because you’re sodium fine.” “I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.” “I’ve got my ion you baby.” “You’re hotter than a bunsen burner set to roaring blue.”
Oh, the science of love... It might sound like the most unromantic statement ever. Though as with every emotion, there is a deep rooted biological basis. Hannah Goldstein takes a deeper look at how romance dates back to our animal ancestral roots
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resher’s week leaves the new sorry student sore and disenchanted with the prospect of romance. While liberating, the anonymity with which we step onto campus can leave the untethered individual searching for that illusive something, human connection and subsequently love. The chances seem dismal, the odds that you’ll find your one and only in the sea of students seemingly slimmer than winning the jackpot at Aspirs. That is, if you believe in the notion that there is truly one person for yourself, only one Romeo for Juliet, and only one Minnie for Mickey. Lucky for humanity a bit of scientific delving into the topic disproves this ‘one and only’ school of thought. In reality, humans are biologically predisposed to become attached to potential partners because evolutionarily stronger bonds create a stronger family unit, which improves the likelihood of survival of the child. You find someone compatible, and then that individual is polished by the brain. Love is the stuff that dumbs you down in a sense, allows you to buffer away the unappealing qualities in your lover in favour of positives. ‘Love’ itself can be seen as derivative of courtship behaviours observed in other, lower mammals. Practices of romantic love in humans and courtship in lower mammals spark similar behaviours, focusing the mind and increasing energy, creating jealousy, even encouraging stalking. Love, then, is not an exclusively human development, and is biologically, rather than sentimentally, based. Far from the Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big dynamic, theories suggest that love is just the glue that keeps people together long enough to rear babies. The theory of the ‘four year itch’ speculates that the reason that marriages tend to dissipate at the four year mark is because, four years into an engagement in the animal kingdom, the subsequent baby would be old enough to survive. Much like species’ in the animal kingdom that only remain together during one mating season, humans seem predisposed to get restless. While this defines the function of love, the question remains what is love
itself? Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine, and serotonin are hardly words that you expect to see shoved into poetry and scrawled across tacky heart-shaped cards. We all know about dopamine, that stuff that makes you feel good when you’re exercising or doing ecstasy or in love. The dopamine reward system makes love a mentally rewarding experience, but what’s more, dopaminergic pathways that are used when in love are similar to pathways used when under the influence of addictive substances. Not to stress the similarities too much, but your serial monogamist friend might seriously need an intervention, addicted to the rewarding sensations of love. Then again, maybe that friend is actually doing what is biologically most fitting for the human species. Anticlimactically, love is that something that allows you to settle on a single person in the bombardment of potential partners students interact with every day. Once the interaction has reached its natural, biological end, perhaps humans should just count the losses and go their separate ways in pursuit of the next dopamine rush. One person can only provide so much junk for another.
Eleazar
Image by jasonwoodhead23
5 6 7 8
“I might be a physics major, but I’m no Bohr in bed.” “Let’s convert our potential energy to kinetic energy.” “Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.” “Hey, wanna put your alpha helix in my beta barrel?”
The Courier
35.puzzles
Monday 10 February 2014
Puzzles There’s no quizzness like show quizness, like no quizness I know. Hand in your answers at The Courier office to have a chance of winning drinks at MensBar
Crossword 1
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Puzzles Editors: Tom Nicholson and Sam Summers
Win a MensBar voucher
Grandma’s Pictionary
I sat down with Grandma for a game of pictionary, but she’s just not very good, bless her. Can you help me figure out which popular romantic film she’s trying to draw?
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Across
1 1981 UK no. 4 hit for ABC; 2013 Steve Coogan film about porn baron Paul Raymond (3, 4, 2, 4) 7 2004 Danny Dyer film, widely considered his artistic zenith (3, 7) 8 State of boredom and sadness particularly beloved of the French (5) 9 Flower traditionally associated with death and funerals; ___ Cole, supermodel and St. Trinian’s actor (4) 12 Tedious; pointless; meaningless (5) 13 To change sexual partners with regularity (3-3) 15 Complete this well-known phrase: “Piers Morgan is an absolute _____” (5) 17 State of extreme, prolonged sadness (6) 19 Leaving an acidic taste (4) 20 Sex addicts (13)
The first person to bring the completed puzzles to The Courier office in the Students’ Union will be awarded the prize and the respect of their peers, which let’s be honest is priceless
Down
1 Swipe-happy dating app (6) 2 In Azealia Banks’s ‘212’, this is what she guesses the “c***” is getting (5) 3 Spherical form; The ___, ambient house group who hold record for longest top 40 single at 40 minutes (3) 4 Aphrodisiac mollusc (6) 5 The _____ of the Long-Distance Runner, 1959 book and 1962 film (10) 6 Lubricative jelly substance (8) 10 Pharrell’s third UK no. 1 in 6 months (5) 11 Bookmakers’ calculations of likelihood (4) 13 American slang for a homeless person (3) 14 Procedure during which the rectum is filled with fluid and expelled (5) 16 Breast holsters (4) 18 Doh, ___, mi, fah, so, la, te, doh (3)
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Oh, Smiggsy!
36.sportfeatures
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
From Russia This week, The Courier assesses Great Britain’s chances of
Five reasons to watch
Jeremy Abbot of the USA competing in the Men’s figure skating Photography: Getty Images
1) It’s funny 2) It’s radical 3) It’s unique The Olympics may be about the best athletes in the World competing against each other, but when it comes to the Winter Games, some of the most iconic stories have come from athletes who achieved fame due to their amusement factor rather than their athletic prowess. Few Britons are likely to have heard of Bjørn Dæhlie, the Norwegian crosscountry skier whose eight gold medals make him the most successful winter Olympian of all time, however, the Jamaican bobsleigh team is instantly memorable to the majority of the population thanks to their immortalisation in the film ‘Cool Runnings’. In the UK, perhaps our most famous winter athlete is Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards whose lack of skill at ski jumping earned him international fame at the Calgary games in 1988. Even success can be entertaining such as Australian Steven Bradbury’s speed skating Gold in the 2002 Games; he was well behind all of his competitors on the last lap but a substantial pile-up allowed him to pass them all and take an unlikely gold.
Whilst the Summer Olympics has only recently embraced the world of extreme sports with the introduction of BMX cycling in 2008, the Winter Games have been literally on board for decades after snowboarding was added to the program in 1998. The Sochi Olympics sees the addition of several events that are a far cry from anything seen in the early days of the competition in Olympia, or even the first Winter Games in 1924. These include the snowboard parallel slalom where riders go head to head down a tight course, and slopestyle where skiers and snowboarders perform tricks on rails and huge jumps. Even though these sports are becoming increasingly mainstream, the Olympics provide a rare opportunity to watch them on terrestrial TV which should be appreciated. Photography: Getty
5) British success
4) It’s dangerous Many of the sports involved at the Winter Olympics involve competitors travelling at speeds that would be considered illegal on motorways in Britain, such as the ski jump, downhill skiing, bobsleigh, skeleton and luge. If spectacular crashes are your thing then these are the events for you, and the advances in safety over the years mean that fatalities are rare, with the exception of the tragic death of luge competitor Nodar Kumaritashvili at the 2010 Games. Thankfully most crashes do not result in long-term physical damage to the athletes involved, however, reputations can often be harmed on the biggest stage in sport. A famous example is US snowboarder Lindsey Jaco-
It is not just the extreme sports that are unusual at the Winter Olympics. More established disciplines such as curling may not provide the same adrenaline rush as some of their counterparts, but can be just as gripping. You may not hear much about sports like this between Olympics, but it only takes a few hours of watching rocks being slid down the curling sheet towards the house and you’ll find yourself becoming an expert in “Chess On Ice”. There are many other sports that only appear on the world stage once every four years that are well worth your attention such as biathlon, which combines cross-country skiing with rifle shooting; not only is it one of the hardest endurance sports out there, it also requires a high level of technical skill, meaning that it is hard to watch and not come away with huge respect for the athletes taking part.
bellis who gained instant notoriety at the 2006 Games when she gave up a huge lead in the snowboard cross final after attempting a trick on the penultimate jump and falling; she subsequently had to settle for silver. Having crashed out again in 2010, she is looking for redemption in Sochi.
Great Britain does not have a particularly illustrious record at the Winter Olympics with only nine golds and 22 medals overall in the previous 21 editions of the Games. However, the team for Sochi is perhaps the strongest that has ever been sent to a Winter Olympics with realistic medal hopes in a diverse range of sports including skeleton, freestyle skiing, short track speed skating and snowboard slopestyle. Britain’s recent Winter Olympic success is limited to women’s curling gold in 2002 and another gold in 2010 for Amy Williams in the skeleton; however, the team has been set a target of at least three medals in Sochi. If they achieve this aim then 2014 will be a memorable Olympic year for Britain, just like 2012.
Photography: Getty
Key Events
SKELETON
The Skeleton event allegedly takes its name from the way in which the metal sleds that were used following the event’s inception in 1892 were apparently reminiscent of a human skeleton. Whilst in its modern day format this is no longer the case, there remains a haunting quality to such an event title.
only top three placing of the games. In Vancouver four years later, Rudman’s teammate Amy Williams went one better, taking gold in what was once again Britain’s only medal of the games. In the 2014 Sochi Olympics, the United Kingdom will have four repre-
In Sochi, British hopes will be pinned on Lizzy Yarnold, the current World Number One Undoubtedly, the word does well to convey the chilling rawness of the event it describes; a bone-rattling discipline in which competitors ride facefirst on a carbon-fibre and steel sheet down a frozen track. The event is by no means for those who lack a strong stomach, with riders experiencing up to 5gs of force as they negotiate the course, steering themselves using torque provided by the head and shoulders. From a British perspective, the Skeleton event has been the sole beacon of light as far as medal hopes have gone in recent Winter Olympics. In Turin 2006, Shelley Rudman’s unexpected silver medal was Britain’s
sentatives looking to land themselves a podium finish in the discipline. Whilst Kristan Bromley and Dominic Parsons will be seeking to make an impression in the Men’s event, it is the female side of the discipline that will be undoubtedly be of heightened interest for British spectators. Although Skeleton stalwart Rudman will once again be competing, this time around British hopes will largely be pinned on 25-year old Lizzy Yarnold, the current World Cup champion and World Number One, when the event begins on 14th February. Yarnold is said to Britain’s best chance of notching a medal in Sochi. Nick Gabriel
The Courier
featuressport.37
Monday 10 February 2014
with gloves
achieving much needed sporting success at the Winter Olympics
CURLING Curling was a competitive sport in the inaugural Winter Olympics. Unfortunately, not until the 2006 Winter Olympics was it formally recognised by the International Olympic Committee. Nicknamed, “Chess on Ice”, the objective of the game is to slide stones across a sheet of ice as close to the target concentric rings as possible. Two teams of four players compete by taking turns sliding stones towards the house, the circular targets, and after eight stones from each team are used, the number of stones which reside within the target’s area are accounted for, the victor being the team with the most points. Elements such as the sweepers who
use curling brooms can speed up the curling stone’s passage through ice as well as a essential tactical component in ensuring that as many of the opponent’s stones lay outside the target.
time reigning champion in men’s curling. The women of Canada have not been as successful however, with two bronze medals in 2002 and 2006. The nation
A sport in the most unusual sense, viewers should not be put off by the sweeping action of the brooms, but rather, fascinated by its true purpose. Historically, Canada has been a dominant force in the sport of curling, taking the silver medal in the 1998 and 2002 Winter Olympics and currently, two-
who will most likely wrest Canada’s crown would be Sweden, having beaten the Canadian men in the 2013 World Curling Championships. Norway should be a favourite as well in the men’s tournament, taking silver in the 2010 Winter Olympics. Huezin Lim
When it comes to winter sports, alpine skiing is the icing on the cake. Although the Olympic schedule only consists of a satisfying ten events, in the middle of the second week all eyes are certainly going to be on the Giant Slalom. As usual, the discipline guarantees to offer one hell of a show to all of its passionate fans, both in the Men’s and Women’s races. The fight in the Ladies’ contest will be led by several key figures, one of which is a clear favourite. Jessica Lindell-Vikarby of Sweden might have competed in two Olympic Games and six World Championships but has yet to perform on the day in neither competition, failing to win a medal. However, this sea-
son has come to be incredibly successful for the racer, who occupied the top of the World Cup GS standings with 332 points, 120 ahead of top contender and compatriot Maria Pietilae-Holmner. With her most recent brilliant run in Lienz, Austria’s Anna Fenninger also joins the battle along with 24-year-old Tina Weirather from Lichtenstein. The Rosa Khutor Alpine Resort will also host the glorious showdown between the likes of Ted Ligety and Marcel Hirscher in the Men’s chase. The current greatest rivalry in the Giant Slalom will most likely be the competition’s highlight, with both favourites determined to rise into new levels of glory. A slalom specialist, the four-time World
Cup champion is heading to become the first American gold medallist in the Olympic race. On the other hand, the Austrian enters the event as the overall board leader, posing a significant threat to Ligety’s dominance. In the company of never aging Aksel Lund Svindal and France’s Alexis Pinturault, the contenders are preparing the ground for what is surely going to be an amazing race. Women’s and Men’s Giant Slalom will be held on 18 and 19 February, starting at 07:00am. Peter Georgiev
Viewers should not be put off by the sweeping action of the brooms, but rather fascinated by its purpose
GIANT SLALOM FIGURE SKATING
The Sochi Winter Olympics will see the return of old favourites such as the bobsleigh and ski slalom, but the debut event for the team Figure Skating. Many British Winter Olympic cynics may think a repeat of the Bolero from 1984 is off the cards, but hopes shouldn’t be dashed as the experienced pair of Stacey Kemp and David King celebrate their tenth year skating as a duo – the same number of years Torvill and Dean skated together before they won gold in Sarajevo.
looked extremely promising in the opening stages of competition, wowing the Russian crowd on the opening day of competition with their speed on the ice and flare in the air, on their way to a second place finish. The Russian threat looks like it could impede on the Canadian party as the pairing of Tatiana Volosozhar and Maxim Trankov look to repeat the success of the Soviet/Russia who won every Gold medal between 1969 and 2006. With little threat from the UK in the
Top seeds Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford have impressed in the competition’s early stages Finishing in 16th place at the last Olympics in Vancouver, the British pair will be keen to make a better impression on the skating world, and have performed routines to British favourites such as Eleanor Rigby by the Beatles and Imagine by John Lennon to try and get crowd support behind them. Despite their last competitive gold medal coming in 2009, Kemp and King have high hopes for this Olympics having struck silver at their home in Cumbria. The newly engaged ice skating pair have attributed their consistency at the top of the figure skating world to their connection – on and off the ice. Elsewhere in the Figure Skating competition, the top seeds of Meagan Duhamel and Eric Radford have also
skating competitions, Kemp and King carry the hopes of a British medal on the ice. Having put in the work leading up to the Olympics, Kemp has acknowledged that their improvement from four years ago has raised British medal hopes, ‘We have elements in our program that we never would have contemplated in Vancouver. We’ve come on leaps and bounds but we need to put it together on the day.’ Although they may have to leap and bound even further before they find themselves standing on the podium, they are sure to put in an impressive display for the Brits watching back home. Fran Fitzsimmons
CROSSCOUNTRY SKIING Cross-country skiing is one of the oldest events in the Winter Olympics history, having first being competed in the first Winter Olympic Games in 1924. In terms of the roots of the sport, crosscountry skiing originates as a prehistoric mode of transport in Scandinavia, and is still used regularly as such today in countries that have a strong tradition of cross-country skiing, such as Finland, Norway and Sweden. Cross-country skiing involves every major muscle group in its motions, and is therefore regarded as one of the hardest and most physically demanding endurance sports. Along with sports like running, swimming and rowing, it is one of the sports that burn the most calories per minute. An example of this is Bjørn Dæhli, one of the legends of cross-country skiing, who set a record by recording a VO2 max of 96 ml/kg/ min, which measures the maximum
rate of oxygen consumption and thus the aerobic physical fitness of a person, demonstrating the levels of fitness needed to be a cross-country skier. There are six different cross-country skiing events in total, which differ greatly in terms of skiing techniques required (classic or freestyle), the distance of the race (ranging from sprints over 1.5km to 50km) and individual or team relay races. The main favourites for the medals all unsurprisingly are from traditional winter countries, with Norwegian athletes dominating the list, such as Marit Bjoergen and Petter Northug, who won 5 and 4 medals respectively at the last Winter Olympics in 2010 in Vancouver. Cross-country skiing is definitely a sport where Britain is underrepresented; however one British athlete to cheers on is 23 year-old Andrew Musgrave (right),, who recently caused an upset in
Photography: Getty
Norway by winning the freestyle sprint event as a rank outsider at their national championships last month. Liam Turnbull-Brown
38.sportbucs
Monday 10 February 2014
The Courier
NUWR rattle Bulls for a draw Women’s Rugby
By Ashleigh Currie and Megan Lines in Newcastle
NUWR 1sts Durham 1sts
5 24
NWR kicked off their final match of the BUCS season on a cold January afternoon against Durham. After a relaxed approach to the Monday training session, and some great #neckandnominate attempts, the NWR girls were ready to work as a team and fight for a win. After the kick off on a muddy pitch, both teams started strong. These muddy conditions made it a forward orientated game, with NWR forwards crashing in the ball and gaining ground and the backs ready to pick up speed whenever needed. The Durham girls pushed back however and shipped the ball out to the wing. Their fullback picked it up and ran around the outside, managing to score the first try of the match. The try was converted leaving the score at 7-0 and giving NWR some work to do. Still in the first half and getting continuously muddy, Durham snuck around the Newcastle defence line on the wing scoring another try. NWR continued to fight until half time but didn’t manage to secure any points. After a good pep talk from the coach, the Newcastle girls stepped back on the pitch led by Captain Katie McE-
voy and Vice, Rosie Neal; determined to get points on the board. The Durham fullback proved a tricky player to pin down as another try was scored and was converted. Back to a kick off again, the NWR girls continued to produce great play even under even greater pressure. Durham’s forward broke the line and gained another try for the team. 24-0. In response to this, Newcastle’s forwards made some fantastic advances, with Rhian Hockey always there to take the ball in. From this, Olly Critchley put on the accelerator and gave NWR their first try of the match with a run on the wing, making the score 24-5. With both teams hardly recognisable caked in mud and Sarah Driver named man of the match for her superb tackles and defence, the match drew to a close, as did NWR’s BUCS season. It’s been a hard one for the girls undoubtedly, with a brand new squad and our fair share of injuries; however to finish in a good position in the premiership league is definitely an achievement. People come into NWR complete beginners to rugby and come out as fantastic premiership players. This is what the club is about. It just goes to show with a great bunch of people that are devoted and passionate, anything can be achieved.
NUWR 2nds Bradford 1sts
1sts this Wednesday after a very muddy 80 minutes. The match started with Newcastle kicking off to the opposing team to give Bradford the first possession of the match, however this wasn’t an issue for the second team players. Newcastle quickly gained possession by Natal Holmes providing some strong carries.
five minutes of play. Bradford then kicked off to Newcastle and despite impressive rucking skills by forward Hannah Anthony, the ball was turned over and Bradford had possession. Bradford’s number 8 found a gap in Newcastle’s defence and scored a try but didn’t convert it, equalising the score to 5-5.
Newcastle were relieved and pleased with the final score of 10-10. The second team have improved hugely since the season’s beginning Holmes set up a try by player of the match number 8 Bryony Williamson, who broke through Bradford’s poor defensive line. Newcastle couldn’t convert the try unfortunately, leaving the score at 5-0 after
After no 9 Nina Close’s great kick to Bradford, Newcastle were quick on the defensive line and met Bradford’s attack with strong tackles across the pitch. After a turn over into Newcastle’s possession, captain Catrin Tomos made a
great run into their 22. Unfortunately Bradford’s number 8 got hold of the ball and gained another try, but failed to convert which left the score at 10-5. This, along with the miserable, muddy conditions at Cochrane Park did not faze Newcastle. After receiving the kick, the backs made their way up the pitch at pace, with quick-thinking offloads from fresher Nhung Tran. Newcastle’s momentum culminated in a second try from Williamson. After the final whistle, Newcastle were relieved and pleased with the final score of 10-10. The second team, composed of rugby beginners, have improved massively since the beginning of the season. To draw against Bradford’s first team shows their increasingly improving ability. With a few more league fixtures to be played, the seconds are looking forward to rising to the challenge.
10 10
Women’s Rugby seconds dominate the scrum against Bradford 1sts Photography: Megan Lines
Newcastle University Women’s rugby 2nds secured a draw against Bradford
Float like a butterfly, sting like ‘Duckie’ Intramural Football Medics 1sts
4
Edwards 6 16; Duckworth 73 75
Henderson Hall
2
McChrystal 11, Welch 78
By Liam Turnbull - Brown in Longbenton Medics 1sts continued their 100% winning record into the new semester as two goals apiece for Adam ‘Duckie’ Duckworth and Dave Edwards led them to a convincing win over Henderson Hall at Longbenton last Wednesday. Before the game, it soon came clear that the wet weather and muddy state of the pitch was going to prove to be a challenge for both sides, making stylish football difficult to play. It would become a match perhaps more characterised by the grit and determination shown by both teams, who rose to the occasion and produced an entertaining game of football. Medics 1sts were keen to continue their fantastic run of results into 2014
to further stretch their Division 1 lead, and they secured a great start with the opening goal after just six minutes. A corner whipped in from the right by Matt Anderson was met firmly by a towering near post header by the unmarked Edwards, giving Chris Pudner in goal little chance. However, Hendo soon hit back five minutes later with a goal from James McChrystal. A corner was not properly cleared by the Medics defence, and McChrystal, picking up the ball from the left, flicked the ball past a defender and fired a low shot past Dale Anderson in goal to bring Hendo level. The frantic start to the game continued after sixteen minutes as the Medic striker Duckworth was brought down to give his team a penalty and a chance to regain the lead. Captain Dave Edwards showed great nerve as he stepped up to take the penalty, smashing a great shot past the reach of Pudner to claim his second goal of the game. As the first half progressed, the game became much more end-to-end in nature, with Hendo looking to get back into the game and the Medics playing a more counter-attacking style. Playing up front for Hendo was striker
Liam McAllister, who looked to create problems for the Medics defence at every opportunity. He was almost sent clean through on goal, however he was prevented by a great covering tackle by Medics centre-back Harry Preston. A few minutes late McAllister forced a corner after working on the right wing. From the corner, Steve Welch saw his shot desperately blocked, with Hendo claims of a possible handball waved away. As the ball was immediately put back into the area, Phil Mulhall saw a great chance to equalise go begging as his scuffed shot at the back post was well saved by Anderson. The second half began as the first had ended, with Hendo seeing more of the ball and creating better chances. One was through Mulhall, with his long range effort just going wide after taking a deflection. From the resultant corner, a goal scramble ensued as the Medics were unable to clear their lines, with Anderson in goal producing two great saves to keep out Hendo shots on goal. However, just as they had looked to be getting back into the game, Hendo were stung as Duckworth put the Medics 3-1 up. Ben Stamer grabbed the assist as he put a low ball into the box from the
right wing, with Duckworth running on to the ball to finish at the near post. After many chances during the game, the goal was definitely what Duckworth’s efforts had merited, and he added another to his tally. Running through on goal after a slick ball from the Medics midfield, the striker showed composure and took the ball around the goalie and slot into the empty net. A frenetic five minutes of play was completed as Steve Welch grabbed a goal back for Hendo just two minutes later with a freak goal. Picking up the ball on the right, he sent a ball into the area; however his cross-cum-shot floated over Anderson and in at the back post to claim a very lucky goal, and a possible lifeline for the Medics. This fluke goal however did not bring about a shift in momentum for Hendo, as the Medics were able to continue their dominance and dictate the rest of the game at their pace, limiting Hendo to a series of half-chances. Over the game captain Dave Edwards produced a masterful display in the centre of midfield, showing the necessary steel that the muddy conditions demanded as well as offering creativity going forward, threatening and go-
ing close on occasions late on to get his third goal and a hattrick that his game deserved. Medics closed the game out to secure yet another comprehensive win and their winning run at the top of Division 1.
Anderson
Emmerson
Durkan
Preston
Edwards
Harris
Anderson
O’Hara Stamer
Bunger Duckworth McAllister
Offer
McChrystal
Clark
Welch Mulhall Corsan
Carr
Swain Podner
Appleton
The Courier
sportbucs.39
Monday 10th February 2014
Women bat-tle into BUCS Women’s Cricket (Indoor) By Jen Haslam in Newcastle For those less familiar with the BUCS Indoor Cricket circuit, there are two competitions throughout the indoor season – one before Christmas, and one in January. The winners and runner-ups of the two competitions go through to a final day of competing. At the first leg of the Women’s indoor cricket competition, Newcastle comfortably beat the Poly, with a confort-
able 123 – 63 win. The firsts unfortunately suffered a narrow loss of one run against Durham, who proved to be fierce competition. Last week, the women’s first faced Scottish rivals Edinburgh and St Andrews to complete the regional stage of the competition. Newcastle won the toss against St Andrews and elected to bat. The Toon army unfortunately suffered early wicket with Louise Johnson being bowled out, closely followed by Brittany Webster retiring on 25, before coming back in at the end of the innings. Rachel Hook also hit a quick 25 to retire showing now mercy against St. Andrews.
With the innings finishing on a defendable total of 116 from 10 overs, Newcastle knew a series of quick wickets were needed if they were to make the final competition. Going onto the field, the opening bowlers struggled against the Scottish side. Louise Johnson came on however, and forced a change of fortune. Bowling three overs, Louise took three wickets, allowing the opposition to rack up a measly 23 runs and changed Newcastle’s fortune. Abby Borgeson also took two wickets to raise Newcastle’s hopes even further. The quick hands from wicket keeper Laura Pearson made an impact as she
stumped the St Andrews batters, putting them under immense pressure. St Andrews were all out for 72 in 9 overs. In the second game of the day Newcastle lost the toss and were put into bat. Despite tactics being tested, strong performances from both Rachel and Britt put Newcastle in a promising position. An unfortunate run out for Britt brought a dampening of spirits for Newcastle, but things weren’t all doom and gloom due to a standout debut performance from Robyn Sayers. Newcastle Women’s firsts finished the day on 97 for 4 from 10 overs. Edinburgh had an air of arrogance in the morning, and came in too con-
fidently. Newcastle’s speedy and accurate fielding dismissed both openers in the first 2 overs with impressive run outs, pushing Edinburgh to re-evaluate their chances. Newcastle went on to get 3 more run outs, with Louise Johnson taking the only bowlers wicket to defeat them by 14 runs. Following their emphatic win against the Poly in December, and their win against St. Andrews last week, the women’s side qualify as best runners up. With the final due to be played on the 1st of March at Headingley, the Women’s 1st XV hope to dominate and win a BUCS medal in preparation for the summer season.
Classy cricketers go all out indoors Men’s Cricket (Indoor) By Michael Darby in Headingley Confident of continuing the club’s strong history in the Indoor Competition after reaching the Semi-Finals for the last 3 years, NUCC Men’s Indoor 6 a-side team headed to Headingley. After BUCS farcical organisation of early rounds last year Newcastle were placed in a strong group of ECB funded Universities. The winner was guaranteed a semi-final space and the runner up a possibility of being best loser across the 6 Northern/Midland divisions. The first weekend saw NUCC face Durham. Durham batted first, scoring 17 in the 1st over. However, Captain Will Street and Tom Clarke took control and Durham ended 94/5 off their 10 overs. A strong opening by James Schofield and Alex Smith put NUCC on their way until Schofield retired at 25*. Tom Clarke (20*) kept the innings going, but a flurry of wickets meant Newcastle needed 18 off the final over with 2 wickets. More importantly, Schofield could come back in. It started well with 9 off the first 3 balls, however a dot ball meant boundaries were required. Caleb Jones, in a moment of genius, managed to get stumped off a wide. Not only did it award Newcastle 3 runs and an extra ball, Schofield (28*) was brought back to
the crease to partner Clarke. The more recognised NUCC batsmen scored the required 6 off the last 2 balls to win the game, which was closer than expected. The 2nd game versus Sunderland lacked the same tension as Durham as NUCC cruised to victory. Posting 116/4 off 10, with Schofield (25*) and Clarke (27*) scoring the lion share of the runs once again. Newcastle restricted the opposition to 97/5 to win by 19 runs. Despite missing three key players, winter preparations meant there were plenty of talented players to bring in. An early start at 11am versus home boys Leeds unfortunately didn’t go to plan. A very polished Leeds side posted 137/3 off 10 overs.
contributors. Polished fielding saw Northumbria 87 all out with Madgwick 2-24. This 22 run victory put Newcastle on course for a best runner up slot. The 5th game saw NUCC play Leeds Met, who were also in contention for the runner up slot. NUCC batted first and reached 103/4. Schofield (42*) and Fresher Matt Baxter (44*) were the only batsmen to get going. Leeds Met however had other ideas and kept up with the run rate. At 90/2 they required 14 off the final over. They achieved this with 1 ball to spare in a tight affair, meaning Newcastle’s spot in the final BUCS competition relied on results elsewhere. The final fixtures proved tense. League
NUCC can look forward to proving who the best Indoor side in the city is when the 1sts and 2nds play Northumbria in the heavily anticipated Stan Calvert cup next month
The momentum wasn’t with Newcastle and NUCC found themselves all out for 44, with all 6 batsmen being run out. Only James Madgwick (18) offered any resistance. With a fourth game clash against Northumbria, NUCC were keen for some poly bashing. Batting first NUCC posted a competitive 109/1 off 10, Smith (25*) and Schofield (25*) were the main
leaders Leeds had remained unbeaten, with Northumbria still to play. Both Newcastle and Leeds Met were hoping to win and for a Northumbria loss to make a 3 way contest for 2nd Place. Newcastle faced Bradford, posting 106/4 in a nervy affair. Baxter (37*) showed his experience and took the team to a healthy total. Bradford were restricted to 80/5 with Jordan Loft 2-26
A Newcastle player takes his stance Photography: NUMC finishing his impressive bowling performance and completing a 26 run victory. Leeds Met also won meaning Newcastle remained on course for qualifying. However a shock result was imminent. Leeds made a measly 81 off 10 overs. Northumbria sensed an opportunity, taking risks and compiling early runs. The result meant Northumbria qualified as league winners and Leeds as runners up on 15 points. Newcastle and Leeds Met shared 3rd with 12 points.
NUCC look forward to prove who the best Indoor side is when the 1st/2nds play Northumbria in Stan Calvert after being the only side to beat them in the BUCS indoor competition so far. James Schofield averaged 65.5 and Matt Baxter 42.50 exemplifying their convincing form with the bat, whilst leading wicket taker and Indoor Captain Will Street led from the front with the ball in what was a frustrating end to a good BUCS Indoor campaign.
Netball knacker Northumbria
Netball
By Sassa Hamilton in Newcastle
Newcastle 1sts Northumbria 1sts
30 29
A heated 38-37 Northumbria win before Christmas, claws were out and both teams were determined to settle the fight once and for all before the wounds get ripped open again at Stan Calvert in March. This showed in the match, as from 1st to 3rd quarter each Newcastle goal was matched by a Northumbria score. Interceptions were being made all over the court but no side would budge on the score line.
The pressure began to build, and eventually half way through the 3rd quarter the top came off and Hell was let loose. Aggression soared, with GS Louisa Sorensen coming off for a blood injury after having her eyebrow bitten by the Northumbria’s GK. Newcastle took this all into their stride and drew ahead for the first time in the
interceptions. Players were falling over all over the court with elbows outs and bruises galore. Newcastle made one final push, and when the whistle blew, the Newcastle team and fans took to their feet and stormed the pitch as eventually they had the victory they deserved, and the lead by 1 goal.
Aggression soared with GS Louisa Sorenson coming off for a blood injury after having her eye brow bitten by Northumbria’s GK. match. Northumbria replied with fire and drew back, taking the lead by one goal. Newcastle raised their game once again with Mia Archer making vital
With Stan Calvert looming, and the season finished, NUNC 1sts will be putting all their energy into ensuring a Posh victory on March 2nd.
Newcastle 2nds Edge Hill 1sts
31 31
As the NUNC 2nds drove to the Edge of nowhere, they reminisced about their last few matches. With 3 league games left, this match was a must win if they are to avoid relegation. As the game began it was clear that these were 2 very well matched teams. Newcastle were putting their hard training into practice working the ball well into the attacking circle, despite playing against a kangaroo for a GD. GK Sadie Neve put huge amounts of pressure on a tall and very effective GS, that had taken advantage of the 2nds in previous encounters, making vital turnovers throughout the match. By the end of the 3rd quarter it was neck and neck and following the theme
of the season, it was going to be a tight one. Great shooting by Player of the Match Harriet Humphries and some solid defensive work by Sassa Hamilton and Tess Richardson around the circle edge put the girls 1 goal up with 90 seconds to go. Edge Hill turned the ball over, but a wild shot by the GA missed and it came back up Newcastle’s end. This got turned again, and then one more time back by Newcastle but it was too late, and it came down to a draw of 31-31. A sore score for both teams, but a great match by all.
Elsewhere the NUNC 3rds demolished the University of Huddersfield’s 1sts 56 - 17 away from home, with the 4ths losing narrowling to York 1sts 32-17. 1sts at the Sports Centre.
Sport
www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 10 February 2014 Issue 1284 Free
thecourieronline.co.uk/sport
Sports Editors: Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Fran Fitzsimmons courier.sport@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Sport
MUD, SWEAT AND TEARS: 2ND XV BATTLE TO HARD-FOUGHT DRAW AGAINST BRADFORD - p39
CLEAN SWEEP FOR CRICKETERS Through to BUCS competition - p.39 RU-SKI SLALOM Winter Olympics preview-p.36
2nds see off luckless Leeds Rugby Union
Newcastle 2nds Leeds 2nds
29 5
By Patrick Castleden at Cochrane Park After suffering a heavy loss to Bishop Burton, Newcastle 2s were hopeful of retaliating against Leeds 2s. When these teams met earlier in the season Newcastle had a point to prove following a thrilling 31-31 draw, and were hoping to put the record straight with a victory. There was an added edge to this fixture as both teams were looking to get a mental edge against the other as they are due to play again next week in the cup. On a boggy pitch at Heaton, Newcastle started the stronger of the teams despite playing into a strong wind in the first half. After Leeds conceded a silly penalty in front of the posts, Patrick Castleden took advantage and bagged the three points. Leeds offered a strong response as
they adopted a kicking game, making use of the strong wind on their back. Newcastle were stuck in their own half for large spells of the first half and defended valiantly. The away team’s pressure eventually paid off as the Leeds scrum half went over for a try in the corner due to a lack of defence around the ruck area. Thankfully the tough conversion was missed.
allowing Newcastle to relieve the pressure. As the rain started to pour, Newcastle’s skill level didn’t drop. Leeds launched yet another attack but the quality of the home side’s defence shone through as David Graham scored an eighty metre interception try, this was a tough blow to take as the score became 17-5 once the simple conversion was kicked.
Newcastle responded well as they kept possession and made substantial ground through direct running lines Newcastle responded well as they maintain possession and made substantial ground through direct running lines. The forwards worked tirelessly and brought Newcastle up to the opposition five metre line. Patrick Castleden went over after a miss-match was created against a prop and slotted a good conversion near the touch line. The end to end game took another twist as Leeds pinned Newcastle back into the corners. They used their big ball carriers well to gain ground but exceptional performances from the Newcastle back row led to several turnovers
Leeds never truly recovered from this point onwards as Newcastle looked truly dominant. The home side’s direct approach was paying off as Leeds looked tired even from midway through the first half. Consistently strong carries from Sam Durance, Jack Cooke and Freddie Pugh got the team playing on the front foot. Will Eversfield made a run late in the first half managing to stretch out and touch the ball down for another Newcastle five pointer, with the conversion close behind. This took the score to 24-5 to the home side.
As the half time whistle blew Newcastle knew they had the upper hand as they had the better of the conditions in the second half. The first score of the second half would be crucial as it would almost certainly put the game to bed if it was Newcastle who got it. The second half was a drab affair as the conditions became increasingly difficult and a high penalty count restricted Newcastle’s opportunities. They managed to get the crucial first score - a well worked lineout inside Leeds’ twenty-two led to a strong push over try from a driving maul, epitomising the authority the home side had on the game. This was the last score of the game as Newcastle ran out 29-5 winners. There were notable performances from Charlie Read, Jack Cooke, Freddie Pugh and George Cooper. Newcastle will hope for the same result next week as they are hoping to continue into the next round of the cup competition.
Meanwhile the Rugby Union Men’s 1st XV battled to a 10-10 draw against Northumbria at Druids Park, in a dress rehearsal ahead of next month’s Stan Calvert clash
Photography: Getty Images
RUGBY ROCKED
Women’s 1st XV soundly beaten p.38
MEDICS MARCH ON Future doctor’s ease past Hendo p.38