DAN'S PAPERS, November 14, 2008 Page 20 www.danshamptons.com (continued from previous page)
loud noises in the early morning, leaving grey pencil size droppings all over the lawn, flying into glass doors. During spring mating season, the gobblers (or “toms”) get aggressive, hissing at each other in a most unpleasant exchange. At a school in Maine, staff members were chased by testy gobblers during mating season. On the East End, dissenters have called for remedies to limit the herd, asserting that perhaps the DEC didn’t really foresee how invasive the creature would end up being. But, other than a permit granted to East Hampton Natural Resource Department to bag a half dozen birds around the airport, there is no way to lessen the wild turkey population. So East Enders must coexist with their indigenous brethren. Here are some suggestions for those “fir” and those “agin”: Play music: According to the Humane Society (via goveg.com), turkeys are “intelligent animals who enjoy listening to music, with which they will often sing quite loudly.” I’d go with Americana here — Virgil Thomson’s “The Plow that Broke the Plains,” anything by Aaron Copland, the folk song “Jimmy Crack Corn,” (that being one of their favorite foods), or, to really make them happy, nothing beats “Turkey in the Straw.” Channel their energy: “In nature, turkeys can fly 55 miles an hour, run 25 miles an hour.” Why not sponsor a competition? What better way to tire out those mating males than to give them an outlet for their aggression and pent up sexual energy?
Hurt their feelings: In Maine, wildlife officials started a turkey “hazing” program, which included “speaking to the turkeys in a forceful manner.” Further, a DEC spokesman said that if turkeys come to your property, “Make them feel unwelcome.” You might start with signs like “Turkeys go home!” (Oops, never mind — they’re FROM here.) Or the more threatening “We’re turkey eaters and we vote!” Don’t set a place for them at dinner, nor provide towels for the pool if it’s the summertime. Never ask what they want for breakfast — suggest going out instead. (In other words, the same techniques you use for house guests who overstay their welcome.) Personal insults and slurs are a last resort. Males hate being called “skinny legs.” Hens feel very unwelcome when “saggy neck” is yelled at them. Make noise: Officials recommend making “large sounds, speaking in a firm tone, clapping your hands.” Why stop there? Through a bullhorn, bellow in a firm tone: “Step away from the property line,” or simply, “Scram turkey!” Invest in a drum set and play with abandon. Fireworks are also effective — they worked with the plovers. Try the Macy’s Spritz: The DEC official said you can spray water at turkeys, “in their general direction … But it is illegal to physically harm the animals.” There is no proof that “Obsession,” “White Diamonds” or “Escape for Women” are harmful to turkeys. If you can manage to spray any of these on a hen, and then drive her from the property, the gobblers will surely follow. This is most effective during mating season.
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seem to defy gravity when they fly and defy physics when they run, somehow manage a balancing act when they sleep, perching on horizontal branches of white pines and oaks. It’s estimated that there are now at least a couple hundred wild turkeys just in the Town of East Hampton. Just a few weeks ago, some birders spotted a wild turkey heading toward The Rambles in Central Park. An odd sighting. But even here in what is left of nature on the East End, the wild turkey looks out of place. You’d expect to see one in the Blue Mountains, Appalachias, or on a fifth of booze label. But a turkey in the Hamptons? It’s like seeing a hillbilly (other than Jimmy Buffett) in North Haven. The sight of an enormous, ancient-looking 30pound gobbler flying onto a fence rail is amazing — if not frightening. A group of gobblers, hens and chicks waddling along the side of the road can make you giddy. One morning a ‘rafter’ of 20 moseyed down the street as “Sentimental Journey” sung by Ringo Starr played on my car radio. A perfect music video. But despite the entertainment value, some people out here just don’t take a cotton to wild turkeys. Like the oft-maligned deer, turkeys are not unanimously heralded on the East End. Last year on Route 114, a turkey ran across the road and was hit by a car. It catapulted up and ricocheted off the windshield of another car. Several East Hampton homeowners have been menaced by the birds. One woman has as many as 40 turkeys on her property every day, making
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