Dan’s Papers September 16, 2011 danshamptons.com Page 29
TWENTY SOMETHING by David Lion Rattiner
I had sort of a Larry David Hamptons moments last week. I was on 27 East, driving from Southampton to Bridgehampton, when I found myself trailing an absolutely gorgeous Ferrari. I’m pretty sure it was a 459 Spyder and I could tell that the guy driving it really enjoyed owning a Ferrari because he’d let the guy in front of him drive ahead and then he’d rev the engine and race a few hundred yards to catch up with him. There was just one problem with this guy: his back right tire was low on air. I kind of wondered what I ought to do about it. This guy obviously had a lot of money, and from what I know about rich people, they don’t like to be told what to do and they don’t like to be told that something is wrong with them. I figured that I could easily ignore the whole thing and not say anything to the guy, but I had a “what would Larry David do?” moment, and it occurred to me that he would absolutely say something. And so by the time we got to the Candy Kitchen in Bridgehampton, I decided to say something and pulled up next to his Ferrari in my Pontiac and gave him a bit of a head nod. He rolled down his window. “Hey, Your tire is low,” I told him.
“Which one?” “The back right one.” I pointed. I was expecting my moment of regret where he tells me to go F myself. He was your classic rich guy driving a Ferrari: in his early 50s, wearing sunglasses, losing his hair but it didn’t matter, and tan skin. I could feel his blood pressure going up. He was thinking, WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY? DOES HE KNOW WHO I AM!!!??? I saw all of this run through his eyes in half a second, and then he looked at me and nodded and said something to me, which I found kind of shocking. “Thanks, buddy, I’ll get it looked at right now.” “Beautiful car,” I said. “Thanks.” Not all of the rich guys are complete @$$holes to locals. Thank you, Mr. Ferrari guy, and I hope your tire is fixed. * * * I’m a huge Jets fan, and last night’s win against Dallas was satisfying enough, but I expected them to crush Dallas and not for it to be such a nail-biter. I’m also a huge fan of Rex Ryan and Revis, but I just can’t stand it when Mark Sanchez has to be down by 10 points in order for him to get focused and show us the Mark Sanchez that we all like to see. I have a solution to this. Rex Ryan needs to tell Mark Sanchez to begin games pretending that they are down by 10 points. Mark plays at his best when the Jets are losing. If somehow, though, through the power of the Internet and Google Search, either Mark or Rex is reading this, I think if Sanchez mentally told himself when the game starts that they were losing, he would play better. * * * Lastly, I’ve got to touch on Obama’s “job creation” plan. We don’t need more government
spending that can’t be paid for, and stop pretending like it can be paid for when it can’t. Anybody who thinks that this job creation plan isn’t a code word for QE3 isn’t living in reality, and both the Republicans and the Democrats need to get their heads on straight about how serious a problem the currencies are in.
Police
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news. Reports on the “shark” sightings were up on NBC, Fox and CNN and prevented a lot of people from enjoying their summer vacation. We at Dan’s Papers did our best to straighten out that there was absolutely no danger to swimmers. Hurricane Irene came and went with pretty much a whisper, although all of us acted like Katrina was coming to get us, and Long Island was going to sink into the ocean. The big news about Irene ended up being that it wasn’t really news. A turtle in Sag Harbor was discovered in July with a nail driven through its back. The turtle was discovered by a homeowner, who brought it to the Wildlife Rescue Center, but a HUGE manhunt went out to find the person who purposely drove a nail through an animal’s back for what appeared to be for fun. The case has never been solved, but the turtle has been well taken care of at the Wildlife Rescue Center. And then finally, there was the massive brawl that broke out in Southampton on September 8 that included over a dozen people when clubgoers began throwing chairs and fighting with one another, forcing police to use pepper spray to disperse the rowdy crowd. It’s been quite the summer, let’s hope it keeps a little bit more quiet for the time being.
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