DAN'S PAPERS, September 10, 2010 Page 34 www.danshamptons.com
The Sheltered Islander Just When You Thought It Was Safe To Go Back Into The Water... Sep 2, 2010, AP “Scientists have identified a form of herpes as the culprit in a widespread viral outbreak that has killed as many as eight billion French oysters in recent weeks.... The reason, officials at the French Institute for Research Into Use of the Sea (Ifremer) say, is Oyster Herpes Virus type 1 (OsHV-1).� Somewhere in a clam bed on Shelter Island.... John: “Benny! Did you hear? The French Oysters have herpes. Didn’t we warn them not to bed down in that damn Avian water? We told ‘em salt water lets the brine wash out bacteria...� Benny: “C’mon John, the French have never listened to us. I told you we should have had the Scallops etch it into the Conch and then send it.� John: “Why do they like Scallops, not us?� Benny: “It’s the artsy thing the French have. They love the scallop shells, which you have to admit, John, are impressive. You can’t get anywhere with the French shellfish unless you can produce a pearl or have a beautiful shell.� John: “We produce pearls, Benny.� Benny: “Yeah, but they look like little white pebbles and all they do is crack peoples teeth. Our pearls don’t have any of that lacquer stuff.� John: “Nacre, Benny, they have nacre.� Benny: “Well I don’t care if they do it nacre or not, it’s still oyster spit.� John: “You don’t suppose that virus could spread this far do you? I can’t imagine trying to explain how I got herpes to Jean.�
By Sally Flynn
Benny: “We’ll have to avoid chewing on anything that crossed the Atlantic and then died.� John: “How the hell will we know that?� Benny: “We can start by avoiding anything wearing a beret or that smells like white wine, butter or garlic.� John: “That’s a good start. When’s our next meeting with the scallops? We gotta tell them too, and the conchs.� Benny: “The next meeting is the 15th, under the bridge by Jack’s Marina, second pole from the end. I figure if we start pumping our foot tomorrow we should make it there with time to spare.� John: “Oh yeah, let’s get there ahead of the crowd this time before all the chum and gasoline are gone. Love that gasoline buzz...and the chum there is so good.� Benny: “That’s where the humans got the expression, “Happy as a clam,� nothing happier than a clam nestled in fish guts with that trace of gasoline wafting through the water.� John: “We only have one natural enemy here, those damn clammers. But the season is ending and soon the water will be too cold for those two legged monsters.� Benny: “It would serve them right if we got herpes and gave it to them...I can just hear them now, ‘Honey, I swear, I wasn’t with nobody. I was at Bob’s eating clams on the half shell and barbeque. Call him, he’ll tell you’�. John: “Ah, yes, in the words of Shellock Haddock, “Revenge is a dish that is best served iced on the half shell....�
Swamp
(continued from page 17)
Classic Horse Show Weekend, Hurricane Earl About to Arrive hysteria, and Friday Drive Out for the Weekend and Stock Up. The stars are in allignment. The worst. It is also raining. The hurricane is coming. By some miracle, I find as I put on my blinker to turn into the little lot that there is a grey Mercedes convertible with backup lights on coming out. Thank God for small favors. I politely allow this person to do that. Then I drive in as they come out. Success. But then I see this most extraordinary sight. Round Swamp Farm is open to the outside so you can see in. At the cash register there is some woman paying, and behind her someone waiting and behind her more people waiting and this line snakes off into the innards of the store, alongside the big table with the display of all the stuff, around the back of it, and then around it to the other side, out the front door and into the parking lot where, as I said, it is raining. I am looking at a line of dozens of welldressed shoppers all holding bags of stuff close to their chests, waiting patiently, and getting soaked in the rainstorm. They are in heaven. I say, this is worthy of a report in this newspaper. I put the car in reverse and creep out to the street backwards, then put the car into forward gear and jockey around the other $70,000 vehicles driven by expectant, panting, excited shoppers waiting to come into the lot. And I go home. Everybody is sitting at the breakfast table. “Did you get the stuff?�
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