DAN'S PAPERS, August 13, 2010 Page 102 www.danshamptons.com
Letters
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downright morose. From Schiavoni’s Market to Hildreth’s, from Ben Franklin’s to Sag Harbor Hardware, from the Noyac Deli to the one on Job’s Lane, from Java Nation to the Starbuck’s in Greenport, it’s deadpan all around. What gives? Are all jaded from years of dealing with snarky city dwellers? Is this something you have heard of previously? Any insight would be most appreciated. I enjoyed your story on proper pronunciation. Count me as one who will use the Romanian version of your name. Thanks Dan and Cheers! Eleazer, Christy and Ruby Vermont Just harassed by the crowds, I think. – DR
GO JOE! Dear Stacy, Just finished reading the article “Who’s Here, Joe Lauro, Documentarian” and wanted to thank you. There have been many articles written about my brother Joseph’s work and accomplishments, but this is by far the richest I’ve read yet. Thanks for recognizing Joe’s talents and sharing it with your many readers! He’s worked so hard and with such passion for so many years, it’s nice to see him get the recognition he so deserves. Thanks again! Debbie Salmieri Florida P.S. the photo is great too! SCORE ONE FOR THE LOCALS! Dear Dan, With reference to your article in the July 16 issue, titled “City Slicker Outwits Farm in Bridgehampton Catastrophe,” I remember the story you related to about 40 years ago about the city slicker who approached a farmer plowing his fields in Bridgehampton one summer day. After waving some cash, he asked the old farmer how much land he could buy for $300. After thinking about it for a few moments, the farmer told the city slicker to bring over a wheelbarrow and he would fill it for him! That was a classic! Score one for the locals! Bruce Backlund Sag Harbor The score is now 836,512 to 781,106 in favor of the city slickers. – DR HAMPTONS ATTITUDES Dear Dan, My wife and daughter and I have just returned from our 7th consecutive year of a week in the Hamptons and, as ever, we cherish the landscape and beauty of the area and reaffirm our desire to retire there (we are from Vermont). We have, however, acknowledged a certain attitude among shopkeepers, restaurant staff and those dealing with vacationers at large that is somewhat perplexing–everyone is
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AH! THE SWEET PRICES IN THE HAMPTONS! Dear Dan, My wife and I had dinner in Southampton last night. We passed on dessert but my wife said “let’s get a couple of pieces of chocolate and we can have it with red wine on the deck.” We drove to Main Street and she waited in the car while I went to the candy store. I checked on my cash and found that I had $9 in my pocket. That should be enough for four bitesize pieces of candy, I thought. I picked out four cream-centered pieces and the clerk weighed them. “Not a quarter pound,” he said. “I just want four,” I replied. “Can’t do it, you have to buy a quarter pound (six pieces).” “That is really #*^~*> up,” I said (obviously angry at this point).
“OK, I’ll take a quarter pound.” “That will be $11.50,” he said. That’s (with tax) $2 per bite size piece, I thought. Alright, I just wanted to get out of there. I handed him my credit card and he said, “Cash only.” “That is really #*^~*> up”, I said and walked out. Amazing, $9 and a credit card in my pocket and I can’t buy candy in Southampton. But wait, we stopped at 7-Eleven, where I got a large size (four pieces) Mounds Bar, for $2. The coconut and dark chocolate went great with the red wine and the price was right. My wife said I should not have cursed at the clerk. I agreed, he probably gets minimum wage to take grief from people like me. “Was anyone we know in the store, were any children near you?” she asked. “I hope not; I can’t remember all the details,” I replied. John Henihan North Sea, Southampton Welcome to Southampton Excess. – DR THERE IS A BRIDGE IN BROOKLYN FOR SALE! Dear Dan, You wrote that the Montauk Lighthouse was up for sale. Was that a joke? If not, how would I find out any information on purchasing the Lighthouse property? Joseph P. Gerstner Vice President CBS Labor Relations New York City Not for sale. It was part of a spoof. – DR
Police Blotter Have a Doughnut A driver in Southampton decided it would be a good idea to do doughnuts in the front yard of a home. The entire lawn of the home was destroyed, as was the landscaping and a fence. The owner of the home doesn’t think he knows anybody that would do such a thing to his property. He’s a lawyer. Angry, Won’t Pay A woman in Hampton Bays became irrate at a hair salon after she received a haircut that she was unhappy with. The woman refused to pay for the haircut, then flipped over a table and screamed at the hair stylist. No charges are being pressed, but the salon is no longer going to allow the woman onto the premises. Angry, Won’t Pay II A woman from Hampton Bays refused to pay for food she was served in Montauk because she said, “It was terrible,” and walked out of the restaurant. The owner followed her out and got her license plate number, then yelled at his chefs. Dumb, Purely Dumb A man was pulled over in Southampton and the officer smelled alcohol on the man’s breath. When the officer asked him if he had anything
to drink that night, the man responded with “I’ve only had eight shots of tequila and a beer, that’s it.” The man was arrested for DWI. Shrinkage A man in Southampton was seen naked on the beach. Apparently, the man had gone for a long run on the beach in the middle of the day and wanted to go for a dip, and let it all hang out. When he got out he was quoted as saying, “There’s shrinkage I tell you. I was in the ocean! I was in the ocean!” Oddball A man in East Hampton who was reportedly walking around in a suit and tie and yelling at cars that drove by, appeared very stressed out, and smelled a bit like garbage. When people asked him what was wrong, he just said he was homesick and missing New York City and that everything was fine. The Great Viagra Ring There is a drug ring going around in the Hamptons that is providing Viagra for men in their late 70s, illegally, who are not healthy enough for sexual activity. The Hamptons Wow I’m Grossed Out Investigatory Unit is on the case. – David Lion Rattiner