DAN’S PAPERS
Page 60 June 22, 2012
danshamptons.com
Getting “Sirious” with My iPhone By MATTHEW APFEL
There’s a new woman in my life. Sort of. We met a few weeks ago—in a crowded tech store, of all places. She was surrounded by nerds and geeks, and all of them wanted to date her. My friends have been raving about her, trying to set us up on a date for months. So I struck up a conversation. Her name is Siri. She’s expensive and gentle and has a creepy, yet oddly soothing voice. She never gets excited about anything. Dating her is like when Harrison Ford hooked up with the Sean Young Replicant from Blade Runner. We are just getting to know each other, but amazingly she seems to know everyone in my address book and the most intimate details of my personal life. It’s like she can see the future. It’s an intriguing new fling for sure. But will Siri and I stand the test of time? Or will some other new partner come along down the line? Siri, of course, is the voice automation software on the new iPhone. I always prefer to wait before buying brand new products, to let the manufacturers sort out any bugs. So I finally picked up a new iPhone 4G last week. And there she was. Ready to interface. It was awkward at first. I had no idea what to say or do, kind of like meeting a cute girl at my
8th grade dance. So I just started talking. And she responded! We decided to spend a glorious Southampton Saturday together, to see if we are truly destined to become an item. 6:14 a.m. I come out swinging and ask Siri: “Get my morning paper.” She gently says she doesn’t understand. Hmm. Is this a feminist power play? Or maybe tech devices just don’t relate to newsprint. After a few more tries she pulls up Dan’s online so I can read my latest column. Lesson: You need to be really specific with Siri and dictate every word carefully, including punctuation. She knows the difference. 7:46 a.m. Time for a little exercise. It’s gray and gloomy. Are these storm clouds or just some morning fog? I ask Siri to pull up “Hamptons weather.” Again she gets confused and delivers the forecast for Southampton, England. (It calls for rain, of course.) Looks like Siri digs international travel. This could get expensive. Lesson: Make sure you enable location services on your iPhone, to help Siri find places and information closest to you. 12:07 p.m. Jog is over. I am now at Agawam Park with my kids. An important work email comes in. I need to respond, but I am holding my son on the monkey bars and can’t free my hands to type. Perfect task for Siri. I ask her to dictate an email. Uh oh. Seems that all the screams and
laughter and kids’ voices around us are really confusing. Siri’s emails keep getting cut off and have all kinds of gobbledygook, gibberish and other nonsense. Lesson: Siri prefers a quiet room for meaningful conversation. Maybe she’s not as extroverted and dynamic as I first thought. 4:26 p.m. My wife walks in while I’m asking Siri to make dinner reservations at Mirko’s. She accuses me of cheating and technically speaking, I am, since I’ve only said about five sentences to my wife all day. My wife doesn’t care about infidelity. She wants Mirko’s rigatoni. But everything goes south when Siri can’t find the right phone number. We end up with no table. I throw some burgers on the grill. Lesson: Siri is not popular with my wife. But my kids love telling her to say “poop” and “fart” and other silly words. They revel in Siri’s general confusion and docile disposition. 8:55 p.m. After talking to Siri all day, she suddenly falls asleep. At 8:55 on a Saturday night! iPhone batteries are legendary for their short lives, but this is ridiculous. Lesson: Siri is kind of cool and definitely has promise. But she is complicated and not so easy to talk to. If you’re looking for a girlfriend that makes jokes, parties late, and has connections all over the East End, you’re better off finding someone named Lindsay or Paris. For now.
Antoinette Notaro,
Let Your Imagination Run Wild...
MD, FAAD
Board certified dermatologist specializing in nonsurgical facial rejuvenation using Neurotoxins, fillers, facial peels and IPL.
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