Dan's Papers May 16, 2008 by Dan's Papers

DAN'S PAPERS, May 16, 2008 Page 20 www.danshamptons.com

Morehamptons

(continued from page 17)

sitating that they be stopped, there is no stopping a village. Each of these villages and towns would have its own government and so would deal with the hoot owl problem in its own way. Think about it. You don’t shut down Southampton Village and have it pack up and leave just because they’ve found piping plovers there. Here are the Hamptons I think would fit just perfectly in the Pine Barrens. Hampton Bayous. A Hamptons with a Creole touch. Lots of alligators and swamps through which people can chug in their outboards while they catch catfish. Slim Hamptons. Lots of restaurants, but every one of them serves only health food. Lots of coin-operated stationary bicycles on every corner. Weight Watchers and Overeaters Anonymous available at town hall on a 24-hour basis. Hampton D’Art. Filled with artists, poets and painters. Also, sculptors. Lots of roundtable discussions and coffee shops. Star Hampton. A restricted community for celebrities and stars of stage and screen and book and magazine publishing. Paparazzi are allowed in only at 10 a.m. for a brief picture taking session. Hampton Park. This is the Hamptons where you would park your car to go to the other Hamptons. “Da Hamptons.” A spot for mafia types and people in the witness protection program. Lots of spaghetti houses where every night the bad guys burst in and machinegun somebody.

St. Hampton. A formerly religious community founded by right wingers, now taken over by the wealthy vacationers who want to go to the Caribbean but only have a few hours to spare. Hodge Podge Hamptons. A strip of shopping malls that has every fast food restaurant known to man and every chain clothing store known to woman. Lots of neon, telephone poles, car washes, OTB, bagel stores, etc. etc. etc. FlashHampton. Celebrities who can’t get into Star Hamptons because they do not have the required Emmys, Grammys, Oscars and Tonys will live here where photographers can take pictures of them anytime of day or night. Hippie Hamptons. Where aging baby boomers can live in the old way with ponytails

(velcroed on), tie-dye, drugs, rock n’ roll and free love. Only people with VW buses need apply. Mies Hamptons. Every weird, modern, strange, sculptural and glass and steel house ever built in our old Hamptons gets moved to Mies Hamptons where they are put up again for sale. Apple Hamptons. No, not the orchard, the computer company. Giant mansion on the hill will be for Bill Gates. Everybody has an iPod, an iPhone, a Mac Pro or Mac Air, and they seem to walk around real slow. Strange place. Hampton Sur Le Mer. A big harbor. Europeans go here. And the place only takes Euros. Dominy. This is the town that is so exclusive it doesn’t even have to be called a Hampton. Instead, it is named for the Dominy family, which for three generations in the seventeenth century made clocks for the wealthy summer people out here. And you know that without asking. Hussein Hamptons. Guantanamo North. Short-Eared Hoot Owl Hampton. No explanation necessary. * * * Thanks to Jennifer Chetnik, Barbara Bornstein Hendricks, Ghiri Oberman, Pat Janums, Sandra Fields, Joan Ann Schueler, Morleen Novitt, Roberta Von Schlossberg, Elaine Greene and Vicki DiGaudio, each of whom, after I came up with a few, contributed one or more other names. We had a good time doing this and I’m grateful to them. •

Hampton Jitney Spring Schedule Effective Thurs., May 1 through Fri., July 4, 2008

D E PA R T I N G

AM LIGHT PM BOLD

A Sun, Mon

thru Fri thru Mon Fri & Sat & Fri Sat May Sat SH,MA• Sat thru Fri May Only Fri, Sat Only Only May SH,MA• Sun thru June & Mon June Sat & 7 Days Only Fri Only June Only Sun June Sat 7 Days 7 Days 7 Days June 7 Days 7 Days

Montauk

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4:30

Napeague

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Amagansett

—

East Hampton

—

6:30

—

4:35

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6:35

7:35

—

4:50

5:45

6:20

6:50

7:50

8:50

9:35

—

5:00

5:55

6:30

7:00

8:00

9:00

9:45

Wainscott

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5:05

6:00

—

7:05

8:05

9:05

Sag Harbor

—

8:00

—

Bridgehampton

—

5:10

6:05

6:45

7:15

8:15

Water Mill

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5:15

6:10

7:20

8:20

Southampton

4:00

4:45

5:15

5:20•

6:25

6:50 7:00•

7:30

Manorville

4:20

5:10

—

5:45•

6:50