DAN’S PAPERS
danshamptons.com
February 15, 2013 Page 33
GUEST ESSAY
Fame How to Become a Hamptons Celebrity in Your Spare Time By warren strugatch
O
ver 10 years ago, I decided to move from the West End of Long Island to the East End. As a self-employed writer all I needed was a phone, a computer with an internet connection and a roof over my head. I could live just about anywhere and I realized what I wanted was to live on the South Fork. I found a great little place in Southampton and paid a deposit. I planned to move in by late spring. I made a point that winter never to tell people I was moving to “The Hamptons.” I always said the East End. Some people looked puzzled and I’d tell them I was moving to Southampton. I said the name very matter of fact, like you’d say Omaha or Poughkeepsie. But some people heard the name as if it carried an exclamation mark. “What are you going to do in the Hamptons! It’s all celebrities out there!” This was my accountant speaking. I heard many variations on this theme over the next few weeks, as I said my goodbyes and finalized my plans. Of course I knew there were celebrities on the East End. I just never thought that the region was reserved for their exclusive rambling. I had even met a few boldface names. I spotted Kurt Vonnegut at Elaine Benson’s art gallery one day. The famous author, whose novels enthralled me as an adolescent, had created a series of silkscreens, which he now wanted to sell. I came over and asked him about his paintings. No one else was talking to Kurt Vonnegut so I guess he didn’t mind me chatting A writer and consultant, Warren Strugatch lived in Southampton from 2000 through 2009. For three seasons he produced and moderated “Out of the Question: The Hamptons Celebrity Roundtable,” a talk show at Guild Hall in East Hampton.
him up even though I didn’t buy a silkscreen. After I moved out here, I learned that parties are important business. There are parties where just about every guest is a celebrity. People who throw such parties compete for the A-list guests. It’s considered a loss of face if you throw an A-list party and pull B-list celebs. It’s very competitive. Writers are invited to these parties on the theory that somebody ought to document them, or why bother having them? In this way I began getting invitations. At one particular soirée I found myself squeezed in between two celebrated fashion models. The room was packed and nobody could move an inch. Supermodel gridlock! As I stood immobile I began spotting boldface names: Russ Simmons! Martha Stewart! The voice on my left rising above the din belonged to a movie star famous for throwing objects at photographers and expletives at ex-wives. The broad chest of a celebrated ad man, whose goateed face and Brooklyn rasp became even better known than the brands he promoted, prevented movement in the opposite direction, The movie star spotted the ad man. Shouting above and around my face—they mouthed short sentences, actual conversation being impossible in the din. So many celebrities, so much white noise. What would their conversations sound like if anyone could hear? I imagined a kind of celebrity roundtable, only conversations would be about regular-person topics. If I were in charge of a program like that, I would ban all celebrity chitchat, forbid name-dropping, and eliminate fawning. Celebrities themselves must be sick of that too, don’t you think? I forgot about the idea, that is until my next celebrity party a couple of weeks later, where I met Josh Gladstone. Josh (Continued on page 38)
This essay is one of many entered in the 2013 Dan’s Papers $6,000 Literary Prize for Nonfiction competition. We hope that you enjoy reading it as much as we did. To enter our 2013 contest visit DansHamptons.com/ literaryprize