Cheap thrills, on a field trip to Brooklyn REV. JEN, continued from p. 17
experience consists of mastering “Pong” as a child, upon entering Two Bits, I immediately fell into a downward spiral of extreme video game addiction. In “real life” I would never compromise anyone’s safety by drinking and driving — but the good news is that, at Two Bits, you can drink a lot of beer and then get in a make-believe car featured in a game called “Cruisin’ World.” I am terrible at it, but that is not a deterrent from inserting my life savings (which can be counted in quarters) into Cruisin’ World’s slot in hopes that I might someday rise above 10th Place. Luckily, when I lift up my couch cushions, there is enough spare change hiding under the pink velour to feed a nation (don’t tell my seven roommates!). Sadly, I am still in 10th Place (also known as last place) even after “turning my friends on” to this paradise and visiting about 30 times. After my boyfriend witnessed me playing Cruisn’ World, he simply said, “I’m never getting in a car where you are behind the wheel.” While it is obvious that I am a terrible driver, I am apparently adept at hunting. Like drunk driving, hunting is not something I would do in real life — but “hunting games” are a whole other story. On a recent visit to Two Bits, my comedian friend, Mike Raphone, introduced me to “Big Buck HD,” a game where you can pretend to hunt and kill animals even if you love animals very much and have been a vegetarian for 15 years. It involves pointing fake guns at fake animals and temporarily inhabiting the spirit of an asshole hunter. Not to toot my own horn too profusely, but I am a natural at this. The only thing holding me back is that I have trouble killing a moose — even a virtual one.
Two Bits also has pinball machines. So it’s the perfect destination if you wanna feel like an extra in “Tommy.” Since I do want to feel like an extra in “Tommy,” I only wear retro outfits to the retro arcade, which enhances the experience (hence the denim jumpsuit). Also enhancing the experience is the fact that Two Bits serves cheap beer and pizza! Switching gears and also realizing some readers of this column might actually be sober adults who don’t drink beer, watch football or play video games, I attempted, as mentioned previously, to leave the borough of Manhattan and do something intellectually more stimulating. Unsurprisingly, this led to disaster — and the second portion of this column: “Field Trip to Brooklyn.”
RIDING THE SUBWAY FOR ENDLESS HOURS
The impetus for my field trip was a kindly friend who gave me a gift certificate to Film Biz Recycling — a non-profit prop shop located at 540 President Street in Brooklyn. Founded with my partner, Courtney Fathom Sell, A.S.S. Studios (a.k.a. Art Star Scene Studios) is the most underfunded motion picture studio in history. It’s so incredibly broke, we look for any opportunity to obtain props. Our new feature, “Werewolf Bitches From Outer Space,” has an approximate budget of $28, which means we can afford beer for the cast and not much else. However, we made our first feature, “Satan, Hold My Hand” for $27, so we’re moving on up. Unfortunately, the first stop on my field trip was the subway where I learned that the one place the MTA isn’t going is “my way.” Generally, I only take the subway when the phrases “open bar” and “free food” are involved — but in this instance, my commitment to the film outweighed my hesitation. Leaving one’s neighborhood puts one
at risk for many things, death chief among them. The New York City subway is known to induce panic attacks, nausea and high blood pressure. When I’m on the subway, it will often stop in a dark tunnel for over five minutes and I think either, “terrorists” or “apocalypse.” However once I’m off the subway I’m always thankful that I’m still alive. The subway reminds us that life is precious. With this in mind, I boarded a local R Train, hoping for the best. Almost immediately, the train was rerouted due to a mysterious fire on the tracks and I remembered my mantra: Never leave your neighborhood — and if you do, bring beer. After about an hour, the train then inexplicably dropped me off in the Wall Street region.
UNEXPECTED TRIP TO WALL STREET
I have no desire to occupy Wall Street. In fact, I want to stay as far away from it as humanly possible, given it’s full of a-holes. But, since the MTA dropped me off there, I had little choice. Luckily, I was wearing sneakers so I ran back to the Lower East Side.
FILM BIZ RECYCLING
I needed at least 24 hours to recuperate from my MTA experience and find someone willing to endure a subway ride with me. Luckily, my friend Kat, who hails from Boston, arrived in town the next day, as she was escaping the Red Sox parade. The subway might be terrible, but a Red Sox parade is worse. Together, we fearlessly boarded the R. We hoped, after visiting the prop shop, to swing by Beacon’s Closet (88 N. 11th St., Williamsburg, Brooklyn). It’s my fave vintage store and Kat hoped to sell a pair of boots there that she was carrying. But when we made it to
Union Street and Kat tried to disembark, her boots somehow got caught in the closing subway doors and the ensuing chaos resembled a scene from “The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3.” Finally, the doors reopened and we made it to our destination. The first thing that greeted us upon entering Film Biz was a skeleton in an electric chair. Awesome! Putting an impoverished screenwriter in a prop shop is like putting a kid in a candy shop. I simply could not believe my eyes. There were vats of fake body parts, bouffant wigs, buckets of blood, vintage electronics, a creepy O.J. Simpson mask, tons of scary baby dolls, a “Traction Kit,” crazy costumes, a disco ball and more. Sadly, the body parts, which I need for the film, are available on a rental basis only and there were no werewolf masks. However, we managed to pick up two cop uniforms, a bucket of blood and a ridiculous bonnet for a scene wherein a werewolf eats a member of the Westboro Baptist Church. We never made it to Beacon’s Closet, because we stayed at Film Biz till closing time. The only other places I stay at until closing time are bars. This speaks volumes about the awesomeness of Film Biz. If you are a low-budget filmmaker, it is heaven. So there you have it. Unfortunately, my days of video game-addicted, boozesoaked madness might soon come to an end, as I’ve actually been on a few job interviews recently. *Fingers crossed* no one hires me, because I’m having way too much fun. Originally from Middle Earth, Maryland, Saint Reverend Jen Miller is an “Art Star, Troll Museum curator, writer, painter, Voice of the Downtrodden & Tired and Patron Saint of the Uncool.” Her latest book is “BDSM 101.” Rev. Jen’s Anti-Slam, a free event, happens every Wed., 8pm, at Old Man Hustle (39 Essex St., btw. Grand & Hester Sts.). Visit rev-jen.com.
Theater for the New City • 155 1st Avenue at E. 10th St. Reservations & Info (212) 254-1109 For more info, please visit www.theaterforthenewcity.net
SAMANTHA AND THE GLASS CEILING Written by TOM ATTEA Directed by MARK MARCANTE Music Composed by ARTHUR ABRAMS Choreography by ANGELA HARRIELL
Thursday - Sunday Nov 29 - Dec 1 Thu-Sat 8pm, Sun 3pm All Seats $10, tdf@9
THREE OF A KIND SHAKESPEARE AND ELIZABETH I: WITH TWO THE REALITY SHOW WILDCARDS Written & Directed by BOB HOMEYER
Wednesday - Sunday Nov. 27 - Dec. 1
Wed - Sat at 8pm Sun at 3pm & 8pm (No Perf. Thursday, 11/28) All Seats $15 $10 Studt’s/Sr’s tdf@$9
Written by PHOEBE LEGERE Directed by DAVID “ZEN” MANSLEY Thursday - Sunday Nov. 29 - Dec. 15 Thu-Sat 8pm, Sun 3pm All Seats $15/tdf@$9
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November 28, 2013
TheVillager.com