F I R S T PERSON
BEST. ADVICE. EVER.
By Jason Vissers One of the programs I sat in on this year at ComicCon was Saturday’s “So You Want to Be a Comics Retailer?” panel, in which various store owners shared their experiences and advice on launching and maintaining a successful comics shop. In spite of the disappointing fact that none of the panel’s participants resembled or behaved like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons, the panel nonetheless provided an illuminating glimpse into what makes for a profitable comic book store. But they’ve had their say. Now, I’ve got a few ideas of my own.
Artwork © Steven K. Thompson
While I do not have any experience as a “business owner,” nor have I ever held down a “job” for more than a few months, I believe I am qualified to pen the definitive treatise for aspiring comics retailers. After all, who better to infuse the industry with outside-the-box thinking than someone who doesn’t know what the box is and who has no relevant real-world knowledge on the subject at all? Now, if you’re like me, you like to read comic books as you’re driving down the interstate and practicing your ninja moves. I have the perfect innovation for us mobile, sexy multitaskers: a drive-through comic book store. You’d have an intercom, a big menu board, a drive-up window—the whole fast-food setup. Additionally, in the mornings, comic book stores could offer a breakfast menu, serving up morning-oriented comics to the bleary-eyed early birds. Morning comics could be served with maple syrup and/or butter (upon request). Should you find a breakfast comic cut-off time necessary, go ahead and establish one, but be reasonable about it. On occasion, I have found myself in the unenviable situation where I arrive at a particular fast-food chain’s drive-through intercom in the morning with a minute to spare before the 10:30 AM breakfast barrier, only to hear the insolent teenage scoundrel tell me, “Uh, just a minute . . .” in that characteristically sullen monotone and proceed to wait until the McMendoza line comes and goes before taking my order! The churlish adolescent derives pleasure from deliberately impinging on my Constitutional right to purchase pancakes in my pajamas! And what’s up with those flimsy excuses for stirring sticks they give you with your coffee? Am I right, people? I swear, those McFascists are lucky I can’t be bothered to put on pants before getting in the car in the morning;
otherwise I’d march right in there and give them a piece of my mind. At the very least, I’d order in a rather brusque manner to telegraph the fact that I’m merely likin’ it. So, to get back to what may well have been my original point: If your drive-through comic book shop restricts serving breakfast comics to a particular time of day, don’t hire jerks who will leave your inadequately clothed customers hanging at the intercom without their morning comic glory. I realize this is something you’ve probably heard before from the Chamber of Commerce, but it happens to be a pertinent bit of advice. This brings me to my second point. Or at least it would have if I hadn’t forgotten what is was, so I’ll just make up something here. Now, if the state of modern life has taught us nothing else—and, evidently, it hasn’t—it’s that public relations is king. Therefore, any comic book entrepreneur would be well advised to take a page from a certain retail giant’s handbook and employ elderly people to greet customers as they enter your establishment. Nothing goes together quite like graphic novels and scary old people in blue vests. Here’s another idea. Install a café at one end of your store. But if you take this course of action, hire nice girls to take patrons’ orders. Not snooty, hipper-than-thou scenesters who respond to my witty small-talk with thinly-disguised disdain. What’s the deal, coffee shop Heathers? My banter is clever! My mother has reassured me of this time and time again, and while I may not be dressed as stylishly as you, I’ve memorized pi to, like, 30 digits. Well, I had it memorized in high school, but I think I still remember a lot of it. Please, give me a chance. And could you maybe ask me out, thus sparing me the indignity of having to initiate anything? . . . But I digress. Alright, now that I’ve told you everything you’ll ever need to know about the comics business (and, indeed, life itself), go forth and open your own comic book store. You’re welcome. Editor’s note: Retailing is obviously harder than it looks, and it’s easy to take your, um, brilliant ideas a bit too far. That’s why Comic-Con International offers panels to keep you on the right track. Thanks, now please drive through . . .
COMIC-CON INTERNATIONAL: SAN DIEGO
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