4 Senior LIVING • North & West Metro
March 7, 2013
‘Sandwichers’ caring for younger, older generations Adults raising own children, caring for aging parents face challenges By Sara Van Cleve svancleve@ourcoloradonews.com
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ike most moms, Melonie Richards day is filled with caring for others. From cooking meals for her children, Luke, 7, and Rachel, 11, and making sure they get to Cub Scouts and piano practice and cheerleading and play rehearsals, to ensuring homework gets done and just spending quality time with her children, Richards has a busy day. In March 2012, though, Melonie and Lars, her husband of 18 years, welcomed another family member into their home and daily routine — Velma, Lars’ 95-yearold mother who has dementia. “I love it,” Velma said of the transition from living on her own to living with her youngest child and his family. “It’s nice to be with somebody that cares about you.” The Richards’ are now one of nearly 66 million Americans, according to AARP, who find themselves in the “Sandwich Generation” — parents who are raising their own young children while providing care to an aging parent. Serving as the primary caregiver for her mother-in-law has both benefits and challenges, Melonie said. “Being her primary caregiver, I don’t have to worry about her care,” Melonie said. “I know she is getting good care and her needs are being met.” Melonie also said having Velma live with the family helps teach her children about unconditional love and instill in them the need to respect their elders. “A benefit is we learn to care and respect those in generations before us,” she said. “The kids get a sense of what it’s like to grow older and the concerns we face. It teaches sacrificial loving. You learn to love and do things for a person, even if they can’t reciprocate it.” Velma moving in with her family took some adjustment, both physically
Rachel, Velma and Melonie Richards at their home in Littleton. Melonie takes care of her 95-yearold grandmother as well as two children and a husband. Photo by Andy Carpenean in terms of house arrangements, as well as with schedules and care, but it was a decision both the entire family is pleased with. “It’s a way we can love her in this season (of life),” Melonie said. “Heaven is part of this season eventually, and we want to usher her in with love.” The decision to care for a parent or grandparent or have them live in a professional care facility is one each family must make on their own, Melonie said. Families have to look at what will best fit their situation and what the adult is more comfortable with. Balancing care for children and an elderly parent is one of the biggest challenges for the Sandwich Generation, and Melonie often feels that pressure, she said. “I make a lot of decisions and sometimes I just don’t want to make decisions for a while,” she said.
Though Lars and his siblings help care for Velma, Melonie is the primary caregiver, as many women “Sandwichers” are. Following Velma’s move, Melonie quit her contract work with adoptions and foster care to focus all of her attention on her children and Velma. Melonie has set up a schedule for Velma that helps keep her mind sharp and gives her a chance to socialize, as well as helps her stay strong when constant caring might make her weary. Mondays she and Velma stay at home; Tuesdays Velma goes to a day center where she can socialize with others her age and do activities; Wednesdays they go to Bible study; Thursdays Velma gets a bath and Fridays the two go on an outing to lunch or the store. “Sometime I struggle with a little bit of guilt because I feel like she should do more,” Melonie said. “But in this season in life, she rests a lot and that’s part of it.”
Velma, who is still very healthy physically, helps with chores where she can, such as the laundry, but people still often have a misconception. “A lot of people think she helps raise the kids and she does a lot of work, but that’s not how it is,” Melonie said. Melonie said she often has to help people understand the situation. “Like with my daughter, I try to let her teachers know the situation,” Melonie said. “It might take us five more minutes to get somewhere, but that’s OK. People don’t always understand if they haven’t walked in your shoes, but we’re doing what’s right, and they don’t have to completely understand. This is the best we can do right now and that’s OK.” In order to be able to care for all of the members of her family, Melonie, just like many “Sandwichers,” must care for herself too, both mentally and physically. Melonie said she finds listening to music, reading and just time to rest help her stay healthy and strong enough to care for her family. “It helps tremendously,” she said. “And prayer, too.” Melonie and the family have found support through their other family members and friends, whether it is having Velma stay with Lars’ brother for a weekend or just writing a quick email. “It might not seem significant, but it is,” she said. “It’s always appreciated to get a call or email and they say ‘Hang in there,’ or ‘You’re doing good.’” Melonie has also found Alzheimer’s caregiver support groups through the Alzheimer’s Association helpful in maintaining her mental and physical health. “When you go to a support group, it’s so helpful to hear others’ situations,” she said. “It doesn’t seem as difficult and you know you’re not alone.” The Richards’ situation, which is shared by so many Americans as the baby boomers are aging, has taught Melonie to truly live in the moment, she said, and appreciate what and who she has. “I believe you reap what you sow,” she said. “We want to look at life and not have regrets. We need to know we did what we could in this season (of her life). We love having her here.”
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