8
Siren
HEALTH
TH E THE
College Tribune
19th February 2008
Dealing with grief How does one cope with the passing of a loved one? Cathy Buckmaster talks to a student who has recently lost a friend and explores the importance of the funeral ritual with an undertaker
Michael, a former UCD student, recently experienced the shock of the unexpected death of a friend. He explains how he felt and dealt with his grief when he first heard the news that his friend had committed suicide. “It was a massive shock for me. I would describe it as almost like being hit by this huge board, like being completely knocked back. Then you suddenly start to think about all things you used to do together. You just go into shock and become quite numb.” “As time goes on, more obscure memories start to come to the forefront of your mind. Things that you hadn’t thought about for years or thought you wouldn’t ever again, start to come back. During this process, you start off with a real sense of disbelief. I found myself asking questions like ‘Is he really dead? Did it really happen? How did this happen?’” Feelings of bereavement a er a loss are a very normal thing and generally bring on feelings of strong emotion for the individual who is mourning. Working through this grief is always difficult but immensely important for your mental health. Individuals grieve in order to accept the momentous loss and attempt to carry on with their lives and ensure their emotional well being. In cases of sudden or unexpected death, family and friends are o en le extremely shocked, with no opportunity to say goodbye o en becoming an important factor. Michael reflects on the devastating impression le on his young friend’s family and friends. “His death was a tragedy, as it would be when any young person passes away but I guess it was more so in his case, as it was pre-meditated. He felt lonely and as if no one could help him.” Many bereavement experts have broken the grieving process down into phases, starting with a feeling of numbness which is succeeded by a yearning for the person who has passed away. This can o en be followed by feelings of anger or agitation which premeditate intense sorrow and withdrawal. Eventually most people learn to accept the loss and let the person go. Michael is familiar with the intense feelings of loss. “Eventually, once you’ve settled into the realisation, it can really overwhelm you and you can become quite sad and even feel like crying quite o en, depending on how close you were. I never felt angry but I did feel a tremendous amount of regret. “I knew he had distanced himself from our group and he never really wanted to see me. I kept thinking that I should have made more of an effort to contact him or force him to see me, which I would have if I had known he was going to die. Now I’ll never get the chance and am filled with feeling of regret.” There is no one right way to grieve and everyone is different and grieves in their own way. When someone close to you is mourning the loss of someone they were close to, o en you feel unsure how to act and may feel there is little you can do for them. However, helping with minor tasks as well as just being there either on the phone or in person can go along way, according to Michael. “It does depend on the personality but I personally preferred to be le alone to come to terms
with it myself. I did like to meet up with my friends and go on walks and talk about what happened. However, the idea of getting hugs all the time from people who I normally wouldn’t be that close to was a bit off-putting for me at the time. “In fact, all I really wanted was that kind of tight-lipped half-smile and sympathetic look. I didn’t want anyone to say they were so sorry or that it was awful because they didn’t know him and it would just feel insincere. All I wanted as for them to acknowledge that I was sad.” Michael found that the funeral rituals were almost therapeutic to his grieving. “Going to the funeral gave me a sense of closure. I got to go and see the coffin and see the picture on top and it was just the confirmation I needed that he was really gone. “Although it wasn’t physically saying goodbye, it was like acknowledging that he was gone, pushing away, setting sail, moving on from it. The removal and funeral mass was of great importance to me more so than the burial, but it might be different for others.” Val Lanigan of Lanigan Funeral Di-
rectors explains the importance of the funeral ritual at this particular stage of grieving. “A death in the family is a difficult time for everyone involved. Whether it’s sudden or expected death, no one is ever completely ready or prepared for it.
“I found myself asking questions like ‘Is he really dead? Did it really happen? How did this happen?’” “Empathy is so important for anyone who is helping someone through a loss. However you must never assume that you know exactly what they’re going through as everyone deals with grief in different ways. The most important thing is to be patient and to be there to listen.”
As for helping a friend or acquaintance through a difficult time like this, he suggests some practical ways to be there for someone coping with grief. “Mass or sympathy cards as well as condolence letters are generally valued by the bereaved, especially if you have something pleasant but sincere to say about that person. “However, you shouldn’t necessarily expect a reply from the bereaved as they probably have a lot to do or may not have the inclination to acknowledge at this time. Flowers are usually also welcome unless they specifically request not to have them but rather donations to a certain charity.” In Lanigan’s experience, the best advice for friends of a person dealing with bereavement is to be yourself. “Act around them as you would at any other time, taking your lead from their response towards you. Most bereaved people just want the chance to get it all out or talk about it to someone. The greatest assistance you can offer is allowing them to express themselves without interruption and to demonstrate to the person that you’re absolutely fine with
their emotion.” When considering the funeral, he talks about how there are a number of events involved which need to be carried out but are o en too difficult for the family to deal with during this immediate period following a death. “Grief can overwhelm many at this time and the last thing a family member probably wants to deal with is the complexities involved at this time. The purpose of the funeral is to comfort the bereaved and pay respect for the person who has died. “During this time of grief, friends and relatives will gather to pay their condolences and offer their support to the family. The support of friends is so important during this time when even the smallest tasks seem impossible.” The funeral director explains that the funeral ritual can be compared to the final milestone of the person’s life and that these days the funeral is considered more as a celebration of the person’s life. “It gives comfort to those who knew the deceased by giving them a chance to say their good byes and is the first stage in the recovery of the grieving process.”