This led to an even bigger realization for me. If, as men, we are going to work to dismantle patriarchy and dominance, and exercise these towards other genders, we need to also see how these show up and are practiced towards other men. As men, we compete with each other in a variety of arenas: strength, – usually physical – sexual prowess, wealth and income, title, sports trivia, reputation, and so on. In my case, and in a lot of men’s groups, it is about being the least oppressive man in the room.
need to be more intentional in doing so for the right reasons (self-reflection being one of them), in ways that demonstrate humility and compassion, and only in appropriate contexts that necessitate them, challenging myself to also focus on my trans*male and male identities and experiences.
My journey navigating this world as a trans*man and as a man – as those at times coexist, at times overlap, and at times separate – is still in its beginning stages and constantly evolving in its complexity. My lived experiences as a woman are invaluable My lived experiences as parts of my ongoing a woman are invaluable holistic development as a full human being. They parts of my ongoing continue to function as holistic development as a lens through which my understanding of gender a full human being. They and my trans*masculine continue to function as a journey are shaped and at times critiqued.
And when it comes to behavior that is oppressive towards other genders, predominantly women, oppression is the intentional symptom and result of an unrelated goal: to gain the validation and admiration of other men. This begs the question: how differently lens through which my would we behave if we could not count on that understanding of gender Whereas before I thought validation and admiration? that that lens would be and my trans* masculine How many more times the primary (if not always journey are shaped and at the solitary) shaper of that would we interrupt women for example, if instead of our journey that I needed, my times critiqued. contribution getting a “that’s forays thus far into men’s a great point/idea”, we got a groups have demonstrated “I don’t think she was finished”, from other men? that I now have a responsibility to infuse it with a more pluralistic multi-gendered viewpoint, to In much the same way, when I have exhibited maximize the utility of having access to multiple my dominance by acting like I get all women’s gender lenses. To do otherwise if to pretend that I experiences and perspectives just because I happen don’t experience male privilege at all, which I don’t to have one version of them, and I see what I to the extent or in all realms that my cisgender interpret as nodding affirmations and appreciative brothers do, but I still do somewhat. And that looks, I am receiving the validation from other men extent itself is also evolving. that I am seeking. The concurrent result is that I am betraying some women’s experiences by talking I have learned these lessons from other men about feelings of pain, anger, frustration that were (cisgender and trans* alike), not necessarily shared in spaces meant for women’s solidarity and through direct challenge, but from watching them empowerment, not the education of men, without role model these guidelines of (a) right reasons, their permission. (b) better ways, and (c) appropriate contexts in their own approach to gender work and In fact, I was capitalizing on women’s experiences conversation. For someone who so erroneously – including my own – for my personal gain and thought cisgender men had nothing to teach me receiving instant credibility in groups of men that about gender oppression and privilege, these have saw gender-related work as important. This is not been huge pills to swallow and the reasons I will to say that there is not merit at all to sharing some continue to seek out men’s groups and be grateful of what I know and have heard, rather there is a for the ones thus far.
[LQ]