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July 25, 2013

Vol. 10 • No. 30

Chattanooga’s Weekly Alternative

Concealed Carry one man's journey through the handgun permit process

arts ritual bellydance SCREEN the horror of sharknado music ashley & the x's

2 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

THIS WEEK JUly 25-31 pick of the litter EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Mike McJunkin Contributing Editors Janis Hashe • Gary Poole Contributors Rich Bailey • Rob Brezsny • Cody Maxwell T.J. Greever • John DeVore • Janis Hashe Matt Jones • Mike McJunkin • Ernie Paik Gary Poole • Alex Teach • Marc Michael Photographer Josh Lang Cartoonists & Illustrators Max Cannon • E.J. Pettinger Jen Sorensen • Tom Tomorrow Interns Keeli Monroe • Carson O'Shoney Founded 2003 by Zachary Cooper & Michael Kull

ADVERTISING

Director of Sales Mike Baskin Account Executives Amy Allara • Chee Chee Brown Jessica Gray • Rick Leavell • Jerry Ware

CONTACT

Offices 1305 Carter St., Chattanooga, TN 37402 Phone 423.265.9494 Fax 423.266.2335 Website chattanoogapulse.com Email info@chattanoogapulse.com Calendar calendar@chattanoogapulse.com

A Salon That Shimmers

“Once again,AVA’s Lauren Goforth has hung a complex show at the gallery with style and flow.This one includes 35 pieces…a number of these works display a kind of artistic spirituality with regard to their subjects…” — Pulse art critic Michael Crumb See it before it closes July 27. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. avarts.org

THE FINE PRINT: The Pulse is published weekly by Brewer Media and is distributed throughout the city of Chattanooga and surrounding communities. The Pulse covers a broad range of topics concentrating on music, the arts, entertainment, culture and local news. The Pulse is available free of charge, limited to one copy per reader. No person without written permission from the publisher may take more than one copy per weekly issue. We’re watching. The Pulse may be distributed only by authorized distributors. © 2013 Brewer Media. All rights reserved.

BREWER MEDIA GROUP Publisher & President Jim Brewer II

The

American

Pink Floyd Rhythm & Brews • Aug. 8th • 9pm • $10 at the door

A REMEMBRANCE CONCERT FOR TIMOTHY HENRY chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 3

BOWL

THE

SLA’s Art.a.ma.jig

Buy Art, Support Great Southern Reads Some of the most storied names in great Southern writing have graced the former Conference of Southern Literature (now the Celebration of Southern Literature) since its first incarnation in 1981. Eudora Welty, James Dickey, William Styron and Shelby Foote have all come to Chattanooga to talk about their work and meet their legions of admirers. The biennial event was established to allow this interchange in a nonacademic setting, and became so popular with the writers that the corresponding meeting of the Fellowship of Southern Writers has taken place at the same time since 1989. Though the next Celebration isn’t until 2015, you can help the Southern Lit Alliance (formerly Arts & Education Council) support this jewel in the city’s arts crown by attending the 11th annual Art.a.ma.jig on Thursday, July 25, at Tanner-Hill Gallery, 3069 South Broad Street, from 6 8:30 p.m. Established in 2003 as a fundraiser for the Southern Lit Alliance, Art.a.ma.jig is “a celebration of culinary and fine arts featuring local chefs, artists and community members.” Each year’s Art.a.ma. jig features a silent art auction of original piece created around the event theme,

chattanooga’s weekly alternative NEWS • COMMENTARY • BULLETINS & PUSH NOTIFICATIONS AT DIAL-UP SPEED facebook/chattanoogapulsE • TWITTER @CHATTAPULSE EMAIL LOVE LETTERS, ADVICE & TRASH TALK TO INFO@CHATTANOOGAPULSE.COM

which this year is “Passage.” (Past themes have been Bound, Focus, Reflect, Break, Chance, Fierce, Found, and last year’s theme, Reveal.) You can bid on more than 50 different artists’ work, from paintings to photography to jewelry to furniture. Proceeds support the Southern Lit Alliance, which, in addition to the Celebration, also sponsors in-school literature programs. Of course there will also be great food from SwissAm Fine Catering, and wines from Riverside Wine & Spirits. Link 41, Sequatchie Cove Farm and Niedlov’s Breadworks will provide local meats, cheeses and breads. Tickets are $75 per person. Dress is business casual. Tickets are limited, so call the Southern Lit Alliance at (423) 267-1218 to reserve yours. —Staff

Q n’ Brew at the Zoo

Another Chance For Roast Beast If you like beer, barbeque, bluegrass and beasts—you’re in luck. The Chattanooga Zoo holds its second annual “Q n’ Brew at the Zoo” on Saturday, July 27 from 4:30 – 7 p.m. at, you guessed it, the Zoo, 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. This  unique event will feature BBQ samples from a number of local joints, including Smokey Bones, Sugar’s Ribs, Porker’s BBQ, Rib and Loin, Chubby’s Barbeque, Choo-Choo Barbeque, Pepper Jack’s, Couch’s Barbeque, Texas

RAW PARTY, REDEFINED.

Roadhouse, JC’s Family Barbeque, Rolling Smoke, Ron Thompson and Eric Plemmons. Guests can sample BBQ from each of the vendors and relish the unbridled joy that comes from the flavors, smoke and pure love that goes into every bite. After sampling all of that sweet, sweet 'Q', guests can then vote on their favorites, which is akin to picking a favorite child. The winner of the tasting will receive the coveted “Best BBQ in the ‘Noog: People’s Choice Award” as well as the all-important bragging rights that come along with such an honor. Full dinner plates can also be purchased from each vendor. Every guest will receive a signature “Q n’ Brew” souvenir cup and a complimentary beverage with each ticket. Adult tickets are $10 for zoo members and $12 for non-members. Children’s tickets are $5 and $7. Children under the age of 2 are free.   As if BBQ and beer weren’t all you need to be happy, the Mountain Cove Bluegrass Band will be on hand performing live throughout the event, and each ticket comes with entry to the zoo and all its exhibits. All proceeds from the event will go towards the Zoo’s various community education programs. So go support your local zoo all while pigging out on some of the best BBQ Chattanooga has to offer, sipping on some great brews, listening to finger-pickin’ bluegrass music, and soaking in some exotic animals from around the world. What better way to spend a midsummer Saturday in Chattanooga?

As the housing market slowly recovers from the Great Recession, more people are thinking about home ownership again. But unlike the pre-recession days, it is not easy to qualify for a first-time home purchase, especially if you don’t make a six-digit income. The Chattanooga Community Housing Development Organization (CCHDO) has just begun offering a program for those considered low-income under their standards: 1-person household at or below $32,500, 2-person household at or below $37,150, 3-person household at or below $41,800, 4-person household at or below $46,400, 5-person household at or below $50,150. If you meet these guidelines, you might qualify to receive incentives that would reduce your mortgage by up to $22,000, along with up to $4,500 in closing costs. (For those unfamiliar with this last term, it means the fees charged by lenders and various agencies that must be paid before a house is really yours.) Besides the income guidelines, the program requires that you be pre-qualified for a mortgage from a reputable bank, and that you complete a homebuyers’ education program. For more information, or to request an application, call (423) 668-9804.

—Carson O'Shoney

—Staff

first time home buyers

Affording Home Sweet Home

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TWO FLOORS • ONE BIG PARTY • LIVE MUSIC • DANCING • 409 MARKET ST • 423.756.1919 open 7 days a week » full menu until 2am » 21+ » smoking allowed 4 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

LIST

THE

pulse » PICKS

• A curated weekly selection of picks from the Chattanooga Live and Arts & Entertainment calendars by Pulse staffers.

THU07.25

SAFE. . . GREEN . FRUGAL SAFE . . . FRUGAL .... . . G

FRI07.26

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Cariad Harmon & John Paul

• London and New York City meet in a singer-songwriter superduo. 7 p.m. • The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com

SOUTHSIDE SAUNTER

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SAFE . . . FRUGAL . . . GREEN . . . • One the summer’s best evenings is a KELLY 2013 Legacy 2.5i AWD SUBARU 2013 Impreza 2.0i Premium w/All Weather AWD relaxed meander around MainPkg. Street Southside Stroll

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and surrounding areas during the • 36 Month lease Lease me for $249/month • Due at signing $1,800 $last-Friday-of-the-month Southside Buy me for 20,999 • Finance me for 2.9% up to 63 months Stroll. Galleries and businesses welcome you. Try it, you’ll like it. HORNS, HORNS, HORNS 5- 8 p.m. • Main Street.

What Cheer? Brigade

• This superfun 19-piece brass band from Providence, RI is back, bigger and louder than ever before! 10 p.m. • Sluggo’s, 501 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 752-5224.

2013 Legacy

Legacy AWD #DJC22 #DJC22 #DAA01 2013 Impreza 2.0i Premium w/All Pkg.2.0i AWDPremium 2013Weather Impreza w/All2013 Weather Pkg.2.5i AWD

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900 RIVERFRONT PARKWAY • 423-490-01 MON.-FRI. 9 A.M.-6 P.M. • SAT. 9 A.M.-5 P.M.

KELLY SUBARU

Plus tag, $ tax, title, 12k miles/year. $0.00 security deposit. APR on select models. Finance rate up to 63 months WAC. Photo does represent actual vehicle. See dealer for details. Lease me for 229/month • Due at signing $1,800 • 36 Month Lease up to 63 months Buy me for $20,999 • Finance me for 1.9% Plus tag, tax, title, 12k miles/year. $0.00 security deposit. APR on select models. Finance rate up to 63

SAFE . . . FRUGAL . . . GREEN . . .

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Lease me for $249/month • Due at signing $1,800 • 36 Month lease Buy me for $20,999 • Finance me for 2.9% up to 63 months

Lease me for $229/month • Due at signing $1,800 • 36 Month Lease Buy me for $20,999 • Finance me for 1.9% up to 63 months

BACK FROM THE DEAD

#U0850

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Proto-Punk documentary

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• Join the Mise En Scenesters at 900 RIVERFRONT PARKWAY • 423-490-0181 900 RIVERFRONT PARKWAY • 423-490-0181 KELLY SUBARU Barking Legs for a screening of MON.-FRI. 9 A.M.-6 P.M. • SAT. 9 A.M.-5 P.M. MON.-FRI. 9 A.M.-6 P.M. • SAT. 9 A.M.-5 P.M. “A Band Called Death.” Screening Plus tag, tax, title, 12k miles/year. $0.00 security deposit. APR on select models. Finance rate up to 63 months WAC. Photo does represent actual vehicle. See dealer for details. 35909259 followed by band Eight Knives. • 8:30 p.m., Sunday, July 30. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org

KELLY SUBARU

Plus tag, tax, title, 12k miles/year. $0.00 security deposit. APR on select models. Finance rate up to 63 months WAC. Photo does represent actual vehicle. See dealer for details.

#U0850

35909259

GRATEFUL DEATH? ART & MORE ART AVA All-Member Salon Show • Last chance through July 27 to view dynamic work from AVA members. Always a treat. 11 a.m. – 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org

Jerry Garcia Birthday Party with Cosmic Charlie • If you're looking for a band to play Grateful Dead material and breath some life into it, Cosmic Charlie will rise to the task with a breath of fire. 10 p.m. • Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Mise En Scenesters screen "A Band Called Death" at Barking Legs

chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 5

KEEP CALM AND

GO BOATING Friday is GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT sponsored by

Lakeshore Marina

Chattanooga’s best Full Service Marina Boat Rentals Available FINAL WEEKEND! Tickets at 267-8534 or online at TheatreCentre.com

Restaurant space with beautiful lakeside view available (former Top of the Dock)

The 2nd Annual Cat Country 95.3

Redneck Yacht Cruise

Saturday, July 27, 10:30pm - 1:00am

6 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

POLITICS

Janis Hashe

The Tragedy of Willful Ignorance Three stories in the news illustrate its ongoing damage

Willful ignorance: The practice or act of intentional and blatant avoidance, disregard or disagreement with facts, empirical evidence and wellfounded arguments because they oppose or contradict your own existing personal beliefs. — The Urban Dictionary unarmed teenager after being told not to do so, provoking a confrontation that ended in death. But the case tried in court was not about Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” law. It was about whether, beyond a reasonable doubt, George Zimmerman committed second-degree murder or manslaughter. Those who followed the trial likely realize that the prosecution did not prove its case. So outrage over the verdict itself is misplaced. Outrage over laws that enable vigilantism, outrage over the continued racism that pervades our country, outrage that more people are not outraged, and instead practice willful ignorance to claim that we are in a “post-racial” society—this is justified and more. Ask yourself, you who make that claim—what have you heard your friends and family say when they believe they are among likeminded people? Honestly?

“It's not enough to pay a political price or be shamed into silence. You have to come to believe sincerity is not the same as accuracy.” — Ta-Nehisi Coates, The Atlantic, June 12, 2013

In considering recent hot-button issues, it’s impossible to avoid dealing with the concept of willful ignorance. As defined above, it means, “I’m going to believe what I want to believe, regardless of the facts.” Of course, “facts” can be slanted as well… selectively chosen to support our case, other “facts” being deliberately ignored. But let’s take three stories that preoccupy the media, two national and one local. • In the Trayvon Martin case, it’s clear to a rational person that an armed George Zimmerman should not have been profiling and following an

For one moment, stop being a hypocrite and face up to it. • Those who immediately began screaming about the “Rolling Stone” cover showing accused Boston Marathon bomber Dzokhar Tsarnaev should stop screaming and read the story, which is one of the best, most well-reported stories the magazine has done in years. The reporter exhaustively spoke to everyone she could find to examine why a young man would end up becoming who he was. And the answer, as you will find if you read the story is not, “He was born that way.” Using willful ignorance to claim that “Rolling Stone” is glamorizing a terrorist does not get us any closer to finding out how we can intercept potential Tzarnaev brothers. It makes us little dif-

ferent than the more than 75 percent of Egyptians who believe that there were no Arabs involved in the attacks on 9/11. The problem with willful ignorance is that there are no cracks in its wall, no way to rationally dispute, “Well, I just know what I know.” None of us knows everything, and being unwilling to listen and understand results in no progress—ever. • Locally, that the Volkswagen plant is considering asking its workers whether they want a labor council,

similar to the ones used in its plants elsewhere, has provoked a torrent of anti-union outcry. Let me disclose that I have close ties with one local union, and have personally been pro-union my entire adult life. This story will be covered in detail in an upcoming issue of The Pulse by a journalist with no conflict of interest. But nonetheless, I cannot refrain from noting that the anti-union remarks by Sen. Bob Corker, attempting to link unions to Detroit’s bankruptcy in the face of all evidence to the contrary, are at best disingenuous and at worst, willful ignorance. As a highly successful businessman, Sen. Corker is perfectly well aware that decisions made by the U.S. automotive industry at the corporate and management level, mismanagement that

resulted in cars that were poorly designed and which no one wanted, were exponentially more to blame for the automotive industry’s decline. There are many factors in Detroit’s decline. Blaming the workers on the line for all of them is inexcusable. The tragedy of willful ignorance is that it’s not necessary. All of us—me, the lifelong progressive, someone else, the lifelong dyed-in-the-wool conservative—can learn from each other if we stop flinging stereotypes and, in some cases, outright lies, in each other’s faces. You are not going to “take back our country” from me—I am as American as you. I am not going to persuade you that the ambiguous, fluid world of our future is better than the constrained world of the past. OK. Let’s tear down the walls of willful ignorance and move forward together.

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chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 7

Armed And Ready To Stand Their Ground One man’s journey through getting a handgun permit Before I could line up the sights of a .22 caliber revolver on the orange, human-shaped target at Shooter’s Depot; before I could sit through lectures in handgun safety and the use of deadly force; before I could watch the Highway Patrol video on how to handle traffic stops while armed, and pass the written and shooting test, and walk away with a certificate that would allow me to apply for a Tennessee handgun permit, I had to find ammunition. by Stephen Cavitt • photos by Gary Poole

A

nd that’s where this story begins— not with the drive to Shooter’s Depot on a rainy Sunday to investigate the Tennessee Handgun permit class and the folks who go armed among us, but with the ammunition shortage that has swept the country since the Sandy Hook shooting and the re-election of President Obama. At the Walmart on Signal Mountain Boulevard, the ammunition shelves were stripped bare, and an elderly customer in an Army veteran cap complained that the Department of Homeland Security was buying up all the ammo so citizens couldn’t have any. The tall shelves at Sportsman’s Warehouse, which once held box after box of handgun and rifle car-

8 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

tridges, were empty. When I finally found a few boxes of .22 shells online, they cost four times what they sold for a year ago. The ammunition shortage is part of a larger trend, which includes rising gun sales and a spike in the number of handgun permits issued in Tennessee. What is behind this rise in carry permits? Who are the people who carry guns among us? Is the South about to rise again, and will it shoot itself in the foot in the process? In early July, I drove to Shooter’s Depot in Brainerd to take the handgun permit class with Sergeant Mark Haskins of the Chattanooga Police Department. The eight-hour class sets Tennessee apart from neighboring Georgia and Alabama, where all that is required to go armed legally is an application, a background

check, and a processing fee. In addition to these requirements, Tennessee residents have to pass a written test and qualify on the shooting range. Sixteen adults sat at folding tables under fluorescent lights in the back room of the gun store: a senior citizen with a thick drawl in a camouflage T-shirt and hunting cap, a couple sporting bass fishing T-shirts, a National Guard recruiter with an M-16 rifle printed on his shirt. Fourteen of the students were white. Five women attended, each with a husband or male friend. (One woman would be scolded later by Haskins for playing with her smart phone while he gave safety instructions before we walked onto the range and loaded our guns.) One man said four attackers had broken his

“Write a story about carrying guns, and you’ll find many gun owners are skittish about going on record. Some worry it will affect their reputations; others fear their comments may be used against them in court if ever they are involved in a self-defense shooting.” arm with a crowbar, and he wanted to learn how to defend himself. A 22-year old man explained why he had waited a year after he turned 21, the minimum age get a carry permit, before taking the class. “You can’t drink and carry a gun,” he deadpanned, saying that he wanted to give himself a year of partying before he settled down. Haskins lectured us on the parts of a handgun, safety and storage, and the legal use of deadly force. You should not consider this summary a legal opinion by this writer or The Pulse, but here are some highlights. Open carry—wearing a handgun where others can see it, instead of holstered under a shirt or in a pocket—is legal but discouraged. Carrying in a state or national park is OK, but going armed in a Chattanooga or Hamilton County park could earn you jail time or a stiff fine. You can’t shoot someone who is running away from you, or finish off an injured attacker who surrenders; the only legally justified use of deadly force is when you or another person are in imminent fear of death or serious bodily injury. A required video by the Tennessee Highway Patrol included stilted recordings about the finer points of blood alcohol content and the types of criminal homicide we could be charged with if we shot someone without just cause. As Haskins broke us up into three groups for the shooting test, the dull echoes of shots thumped against the reinforced wall. Haskins, who has taught the course since 1996, said he has never had any injuries during the permit classes. Indeed, all 16 of us passed the

qualification, keeping the guns pointed downrange while slowly peppering the targets at distances of three, five, and seven yards. The certificates Haskins signed at the end of the class meant that each of us could apply for a permit, pay the $115 fee, get fingerprinted,

these shooters wanted to get their permits while they still could. Haskins blamed the ammunition shortage on the same panicked reaction, as gun owners stocked up on ammunition instead of buying a few boxes at a time. The rush to obtain ammo

“People get mad at me for telling them you can’t do this stuff,” he said. “Some of them don’t realize what a horrible ordeal it is if you have to shoot somebody.” But not all the students in our class were in the dark about the ethics of self-de-

and wait for the state to check our backgrounds for domestic abuse and other forms of violent crime. Our chances were good; between January 1 and June 30, only 32 applicants were denied. Haskins credited the rise in gun permits to procrastination, saying that gun owners who had long considered getting a permit were spurred to action after the Sandy Hook shooting and the re-election of President Obama. Fearing increased gun control, he said,

and permits may be slowing down. Haskins, one of several instructors at Shooter’s Depot, taught about 12 permit classes per month during the late winter and spring; this summer he teaches about six. Part of his job is to set students people straight when it comes to “old wives’ tales” about deadly force, like shooting someone to prevent property theft, which is illegal, or shooting a burglar on the porch instead of when the intruder is inside.

fense. “Aaron” is a 35-year-old project manager at TVA who declined to use his real name. (Write a story about carrying guns, and you’ll find many gun owners are skittish about going on record. Some worry it will affect their reputations; others fear their comments may be used against them in court if ever they are involved in a self-defense shooting.) A self-proclaimed liberal from North Shore, Aaron compared the handgun permit to his former martial arts train-

ing, saying that permit holders should hold themselves to a higher standard of conduct than the average citizen. “You’re not allowed to get into fights anymore,” he said. “You don’t get to have stupid arguments, and posture with guns.” Aaron, who moved to Chattanooga eight months ago, is no stranger to violence. “When I was young and stupid, I spent a few weeks repoing cars,” he said, describing the day a car owner came out of his house and pointed a handgun at him. The situation ended only when Aaron’s coworker drew his own gun on the would-be attacker and the man went back inside. “It taught me the value of going armed,” Aaron said. While his paperwork isn’t through the system yet, Aaron has bought a travel safe for the compact 9mm pistol he will carry; a slim lockable case attaches via a cable to the car’s interior. “It’s more important to have a gun nearby than on me,” Aaron said. “I try not to get myself into situations where I feel like I might need a gun.” In the first six months of 2013, the Tennessee Department of Homeland Security issued 5,157 handgun carry permits in Hamilton County. That is more than the entire year of 2013, when only 5,048 permits were issued. Prior years were equally slim by comparison, with only 4,324 permits issued in 2011 and 4,603 in 2010. Factor in that a permit is valid for four years, and by early July, the TN DHS listed 19,619 citizens in Hamilton County who could legally carry a handgun.

chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 9

marc michael

Ashley and the Xs: Rock And Soul It started, as these things so often do, by chance. Five years ago, Matt Shigekawa and Eric Parham stopped into JJ’s Bohemia on an open mic night. What they were thinking when the nervous young lady with her hands in her pockets stepped up to the microphone is lost to history. What happened next is not. She sang, and when Ashley Hicks sings, she owns the room. The boys were so impressed with the singer whose only accompaniment was a basic trap set that they recruited her as an opening act for their band Grassy Blue. A short time later Grassy Blue disbanded, and Matt and Eric approached Ashley with the idea for a new project. They recruited drummer Dan “The Metronome” Walker—and Ashley and the Xs was on its way. From the beginning it was agreed that the single most important aspect of the band was passion and the ability to deliver it through performance. Listeners would have to feel the music, feel its gritty realism and intensity and know that behind every word and note was genuine heart and soul. Indeed, Ashley has said point blank, “It doesn’t matter if we mess up a song as long as the audience is feeling what we are feeling.” She needn’t worry about “messing up a song” though; clearly the band has put in the rehearsal time and dedication to develop the kind of tight playing that would be the envy of the most demanding jazz bands. Their performances are proof

honest music

that passion and precision are not mutually exclusive. Like so many great original bands, classifying Ashley and the Xs is a tricky business. They are at times blues-driven, other times they are alt-rock. It wouldn’t be hard to imagine them as a great little R&B band. Ashley has cited Janis Joplin as a personal influence, as much for emotional content as actual singing, and that shows, but she seems equally adept at channeling Natalie Merchant and Chrissy Hynde. Particularly noteworthy is her ability to project power without sacrificing nuance. A lesser singer would generally sacrifice one for the other. Sultry and absolutely dripping with sensuality, her vocals are the

centerpiece of some very powerful music. As mesmerizing as her vocals may be, much of that impact would be lost if it were not for the professional chops of her very talented bandmates. Shigekawa’s guitar playing is strong, clean and versatile. On their album’s fourth track, “Never”, the guitar is hard-driving, manic rock and roll, while “Silence is Golden” delivers a jazzy Andy Summers vibe and “Lizzie” is just good old-fashioned blues well done. “Crash and Burn” features some particularly haunting bass riffs from Parham, and Walker’s drumming on the whole album beginning to end is absolutely top notch. There is no ego in this band—and that’s refreshing, and even unexpected given the considerable talent of its members. To the contrary, on and off-stage, Ashley and the Xs evince a good-natured “aw shucks” attitude that is quick to praise their fans, contributors and associates while never making too much of a fuss over their own accomplishments. They take their mu-

blister it on stage, five minutes spent over a beer during a set break reveals a quirky sense of humor and real familial affection for one another. That kind of camaraderie isn’t necessarily essential to a band, but it is certainly nice work if you can get it. Their eponymous album was more than a year in the making, with the band taking great pains to capture the essence of their live performances in the recording. Through their dedication and the impeccable instinct of producer Derek Mazurek, they have managed to do just that, with nine solid tracks neatly packaged in some spiffy cover art by Jeanne Carmichael. Newcomer to the band Jessica Nunn unfortunately came along too late to make it onto this album, but Ashley Hicks the addition of her viola ought to bring an interesting dimension to the band’s sic seriously, they take their live sound at their August perforperformances seriously, they take mance at The Honest Pint (TBA), their fans seriously, but they don’t and they can frequently be found take themselves too seriously, and at the place that started it all, JJ’s that’s a very endearing quality Bohemia. in a band. Indeed, even as they

local and regional shows

Turchi with Que Sera! Sera! and Iron Fez [$5] Fighting for Tomorrow with The Van Lears [$5] The Deathless with Jonathan Poe and Garrett Bourdan [$5] Plvnet with Black Betty and Endless Cycle [$5]

Wed, July 24 Thu, July 25 Wed, July 31 Thu, Aug 1

Sundays: Live Trivia 4-6pm followed by Live Music July 28 - The Molly Maguires [FREE]

10 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

9pm 9pm 9pm 9pm

Full food menu serving lunch and dinner. 11am-2am, 7 days a week. 35 Patten Parkway * 423.468.4192 thehonestpint.com * Facebook.com/thehonestpint

Between the Sleeves

record reviews • ernie paik

One-man Bands of Out-There Amnon Freidlin and Gordon Sharp keep pushing the musical limits

Honnda Fantasy Remover (Public Eyesore)

E

lectro-madness oneman-band Honnda is perhaps like the aural equivalent of the comedic aesthetic of the VHS-obsessed video blog site Everything Is Terrible! or Adult Swim’s Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!, with a playful strangeness that incorporates culture jamming and prankery into its sample-heavy, hard-edged beatbox-dominated tracks on its debut album Fantasy Remover. It is also, apparently, intended to be a workout album— surely, to be utilized in conjunction with some absurd exercise device seen on a late-night infomercial circa 1990. The man behind Honnda is Amnon Freidlin, also known as a guitarist for the visceral no-wave band Normal Love and a former member of the harsh Brooklyn post-everything group Zs, and his feisty, mischievous side comes out on Fantasy Remover unfettered, perhaps like a bizarro-world Girl Talk.

Cindytalk A Life Is Everywhere (Editions Mego)

For about half of the album, Honnda seems content to stay on his particular level of amusement and insistent stimulation without any semblance of highart intentions, among a blasé female’s recitation of “Honnda, Honnda” or even excerpts from a customer support phone call, where his artificially pitch-lowered voice asks a woman if it would be OK if he sampled her voice and put it over some phat beats. (She politely declined.) Fantasy Remover gets better as it progresses into weirdness, where its sonic adventures are more pronounced, like on “Stay in Line,” which features a background buzz and unnerving pitter-patters of what sounds like electric guitar fretboard taps. The final track, “Feel the Burn,” answers the unasked question of what Janet Jackson’s music in the early ’90s might sound like with sampled no-wave guitar skronking. This writer is trying to imagine the appreciative audience for Fan-

tasy Remover, which bears the challenge of possibly being too weird for dance-music fans and being too dancey for avantgarde-leaning aficionados. Nevertheless, Honnda seems happy to writhe joyfully, on a giant pile of VHS tapes and Janet Jackson records.

S

cottish musician/singer Gordon Sharp’s Cindytalk, in existence for over three decades, is responsible for an overlooked postpunk classic, the debut album Camouflage Heart; Sharp himself is perhaps best known as an early collaborator with Cocteau Twins and for his alternately chilling and mournful vocal contributions for 4AD label founder Ivo Watts-Russell’s studio project This Mortal Coil, including covers of Big Star’s “Kangaroo” and Rema-Rema’s devastating and utterly hopeless “Fond Affections.” Those who haven’t been keeping track since the ’80s may be startled

to find out that Sharp has kept Cindytalk going as a one-man instrumental project, as obscure as ever, but with a very different sonic approach than that used for early releases. The latest album, A Life Is Everywhere, is in line with the last few albums released on Editions Mego, and although it initially didn’t grab this critic upon first listen, subsequent listens highlighted passages that were worth revisiting. The opening “Time to Fall” combines bells with synthetic wisps of noise, wasting no time in introducing the Cindytalk “ambient noise” approach; the wisps give way to sheets, and finally, some distinct synth notes wander through the piece, tentatively. “My Drift Is a Ghost” offers artificial sound waves, going from gentle to unrelenting, but the particular sonic quality of the electronic waves—akin to new-age relaxation tapes—are not as interesting as they could be. “To A Dying Star” continues in this vein, adding high frequency pulsating pitches, while “Interruptum” introduces space and reverberating thuds with wilting, withering notes and muffled static. “As If We Had Once Been” evokes a dystopian sci-fi soundtrack—the sound of exploring, perhaps, an abandoned space station— but by far, the album’s most compelling track is the closing “On a Pure Plane,” which has a complicated mess of noises, abrasive blasts, and some sort of odd squeaky, squishy sounds that could resemble some alien creature language, and it overscores that the rest of the album could benefit from using more ideas. chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 11

901 Carter St (Inside Days Inn) 423-634-9191

Thursday, July 25: 9pm Open Mic with Hap Henninger Friday, July 26: 9pm Jonathan Kirkendoll Saturday, July 27: 10pm Butch Ross Tuesday, July 30: 7pm

Server/Hotel Appreciation Night $5 Pitchers $2 Wells $1.50 Domestics ●

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Chattanooga Live Thu 07.25 All-American Summer Series with Roger Alan Wade 6 p.m. Hunter Museum of American Art, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Bluegrass and Country Jam 6:30 p.m. Grace Nazerene Church, 6310 Dayton Blvd., Hixson. (423) 842-5919, chattanoogagrace.com Chris Gomez & Christi Roberts 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com. The Mocha Brownstone Band 7-9 p.m. Mocha Restaurant & Lounge, 3116 Brainerd Rd. (423) 531-4154, mochajazz.net Wits-End 7:15 p.m. North Chatt Cat, 346 Frazier Ave. (423) 266-9466 No Big Deal 7:30 p.m. Mexi-Wing VII, 5773 Brainerd Rd. (423) 509-8696, mexiwingviichattanooga. com Ars Supernova with Davey Williams 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Halestorm, Luminoth, CampNormal 8 p.m. Track 29, 1400 Market St. (423) 266-4323, track29.co David Ryan Harris, Laticia Wolf 8:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Dustin Curry, The Van Lears, A Cat May Look At A King 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy.

423.486.1369 • BACKYARDGRILLECHATTANOOGA.COM 12 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

MUSIC CALENDAR (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com Open Mic with Hap Henninger 9 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook. com/theoffice.chatt Black Tusk, Generator Earth 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com What Cheer? Brigade, Male Bondage, Yolo Boys, Folk Killer 10 p.m. Sluggo’s, 501 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 752-5224

Fri 07.26 Music @ the Southside Stroll 5 - 8 p.m. Main St. facebook. com/SouthsideArtStroll‎ Debi D, Trent Williams and RT Bolden present Happy Hour Jazz 6-9 p.m. Poblanos, 551 River St. (423) 490-7911, poblanoschattanooga.com DJ Sleestak @ the Last Lem Party 5 p.m. Cafe Easy Lemon, 1440 Adams St. easylemon.wordpress.com Jordan Hallquist & The Outfit 6 p.m. Nightfall Music Series, River City Stage at Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. nightfallchattanooga.com. Swear and Shake 7 p.m. Nightfall Music Series, River City Stage at Miller Plaza, 850 Market St. nightfallchattanooga.com. Fancy Me a Madman, If All Else Fails, Endow the King, The Pilots Archive 7 p.m. Warehouse Cleveland, 260 2nd Street NE. warehousevenue.com Cariad Harmon and John Paul 7 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com Jimmy Harris

7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com. Danny Sample, Dave Walters 7 p.m. 212 Market, 212 Market St. (423) 265-1212, 212market.com Chuck n Phil 7 p.m. Magoo’s Restaurant, 3658 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. (423) 867-1351, facebook.com/MagoosTN The Mocha Band featuring Jermaine Purifory 7:45 p.m. Mocha Restaurant & Lounge, 3116 Brainerd Rd. (423) 531-4154, mochajazz.net Johnston Brown 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Drive, Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com The Silver Creek Band 8 p.m. American Legion Post 95, 3329 Ringgold Rd. (423) 624-9105, americanlegionpost95.org Josh Gilbert Band 8 p.m. ReCreate Café, The Salvation Army, 800 McCallie Ave. (423) 756-1023, facebook.com/ ReCreateCafeArts Southlander 8 p.m. The Backyard Grille, 4021 Hixson Pike. (423) 486-1369 Mountain Opry 8 p.m. Walden’s Ridge Civic Center, 2501 Fairmont Pike, Signal Mountain. (423) 886-3252. Pricilla & Lil Rickee 8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, chattanooganhotel.com. The Band Raven 8:30 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Terrace. (423) 713-8739, jackaschopshopsaloon.com Leverage 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.com Jonathan Kirkendall 9 p.m. The Office, 901

Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook. com/theoffice.chatt Asphalt Valentine, Wings of Apollo, Subkonscious 9 p.m. Ziggy’s Underground Music, 607 Cherokee Blvd. (423) 265-8711 Ryan Oyer 9 p.m. Lindsay Street Music Hall, 901 Lindsay St. lindsaystreethall.com Jacob Powell 9:30 p.m. Pokey’s Sports Bar, 918 Sahara Dr., Cleveland. (423) 476-6059 Queen Lightning 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Jordan Hallquist & The Outfit. Planet 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Kontraband 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919, facebook. com/raw.chattanooga Paleface 10 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com One Night Stand 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com

Sat 07.27 Ogya 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Chattanooga Incline Railway, 3917 St. Elmo Ave. (423) 821-4224, ridetheincline.com Michael Jacobs 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga River Market, Tennessee Aquarium Plaza, 1 Broad St. (423) 402-9960, chattanoogarivermarket. com Scenic City Chorus 2 - 3 p.m. Mountain Arts Community Center, 809 Kentucky Ave., Signal Mtn. (423) 866-1959 Jeff Thompson 7 p.m. Charles and Myrtle’s Coffeehouse,

Chattanooga Live 105 McBrien Rd. (423) 892-4960, christunity.org Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com. Scenic City Chorus 7 - 8 p.m. Mountain Arts Community Center, 809 Kentucky Ave., Signal Mtn. (423) 866-1959 The Restoration with Alexa Woodward 7:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com The Mocha Band featuring Jermaine Purifory 7:45 p.m. Mocha Restaurant & Lounge, 3116 Brainerd Rd. (423) 531-4154, mochajazz.net Brody Johnson and the Dirt Road Band 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com Southlander 8 p.m. The Backyard Grille, 4021 Hixson Pike. (423) 486-1369 Hazmat, Covered Scars 8 p.m. Warehouse, 5617 Ringgold Rd., Suite 105. Pricilla & Lil Rickee 8:30 p.m. The Foundry, 1201 Broad St. (423) 756-3400, chattanooganhotel.com. The Nim Nims, Bohannons, Belle Adair and the Kernal 9 p.m. JJ’s Bohemia, 231 E. MLK Blvd. (423) 266-1400, jjsbohemia.com DownStream 9 p.m. SkyZoo, 5709 Lee Hwy. (423) 468-4533, skyzoochattanooga.com Soul Survivor 9 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Terrace. (423) 713-8739, jackaschopshopsaloon.com Ragdoll 9:30 p.m. Pokey’s Sports Bar, 918 Sahara Dr., Cleveland. (423) 476-6059

CHATTANOOGA MUSIC CALENDAR Queen Lightning 9:30 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Andy D, iFFy, SoCro, Stoop Kids 10 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com The Regulars 10 p.m. Raw, 409 Market St. (423) 756-1919, facebook. com/raw.chattanooga Jerry Garcia Birthday Party with Cosmic Charlie 10 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com Butch Ross 10 p.m. The Office, 901 Carter St. (inside Days Inn). (423) 634-9191, facebook. com/theoffice.chatt One Night Stand 10 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com

Sun 07.28 Josh Gilbert 10 a.m. Orchard Church, 763 Battlefield Parkway, Fort Ogelthorpe, Ga. (706) 820-6256, orchardchurch.cc Tiffany Taylor 12:30 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. chattanoogamarket.com. Dustin Overbeek 2 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St. Bobby Denton Band Jam 2 - 6 p.m. Cheap Seats, 2925 Rossville Blvd. (423) 629-5636. Chattanooga Traditional Irish Music Session 5 p.m. Moccasin Bend Brewing Company, 4015 Tennessee Ave. (423) 821-6392, bendbrewingbeer.com Evensong 5:30 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams

St. (423) 702-8081, thecamphouse.com

Mon 07.29 The Mumzees 3 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli, 4097 Cloud Springs, Rd. Ringgold, Ga. (706) 956-8128 Gospel Night 6 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli, 4097 Cloud Springs Rd., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 956-8128 Molly Maguires 7 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192 thehonestpint.com Big Band Night 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com. Jordan Hallquist 7 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. tremonttavern.com

Tue 07.30 Moving Forward 7 p.m. Cloud Springs Deli, 4097 Cloud Springs Rd., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 956-8128. Tim Starnes 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Eight Knives (following “A Band Called Death” screening) 8:30 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. (423) 624-5347, barkinglegs.org Open Mic 9 p.m. Tremont Tavern, 1203 Hixson Pike. (423) 266-1996. tremonttavern.com

Wed 07.31 Debi D, Trent Williams, and RT Bolden present Happy Hour Jazz 6 - 9 p.m. Poblanos, 551

River St. (423) 490-7911, poblanoschattanooga.com Dan Sheffield 7 p.m. Sugar’s Ribs, 507 Broad St. (423) 508-8956, sugarsribs.com Jimmy Harris 7 p.m. The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202. (423) 499-5055, thepalmsathamilton.com Josh Johnson 7 p.m. Magoo’s Restaurant, 3658 Ringgold Rd., East Ridge. (423) 867-1351, facebook.com/MagoosTN Ryan Oyer 7 p.m. Good Dog, 34 Frazier Ave. (423) 475-6175, eatatgooddog.com Prime Cut Trio 8 p.m. Palms Patio at The Palms at Hamilton, 6925 Shallowford Rd., #202, (423) 499-5055 thepalmsathamilton.com. A Man Called Bruce 8 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065, ringgoldacoustic.com Cole Sitlar and Morgan 8 p.m. Jack A’s Chop Shop Saloon, 742 Ashland Terrace (423) 713-8739, jackaschopshopsaloon.com The Deathless, Yakapo, Garrett Bourdan 9 p.m. The Honest Pint, 35 Patten Pkwy. (423) 468-4192, thehonestpint.com Nathan Farrow 9 p.m. Bud’s Sports Bar, 5751 Brainerd Rd. (423) 499-9878, budssportsbar.com 2nFRO & Frenz 9 p.m. Pokey’s Sports Bar, 918 Sahara Dr., Cleveland. (423) 476-6059 The Paper Bird, Amber Fults 9:30 p.m. Rhythm & Brews, 221 Market St. rhythm-brews.com

Map these locations on chattanoogapulse.com. Send event listings at least 10 days in advance to: calendar@ chattanoogapulse.com.

LIVE MUSIC JULY/AUG

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THE PAPER BIRD with AMBER FULTS

JET EDISON

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8.2 MILELE ROOTS 8.3 THE VELCRO PYGMIES 8.6 UPTOWN BIG BAND/SWING DANCE PARTY ALL SHOWS 21+ UNLESS OTHERWISE NOTED • NON-SMOKING VENUE

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chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 13

Arts

rich bailey

Dancing for the Goddesses Who Came Before Gesserit Spice dance troupe honors generations of women

Tomorrow night, the Gesserit Spice dance troupe presents an evening of belly dance inspired by and honoring goddess archetypes from cultures around the world. "Faces of the Goddess" is at Barking Legs Theater at 8 p.m. "I call this ritual belly dance, because I pull from elements of ancient temple dances and from the old ways before organized religion came about, the old ways of the earth and honoring matriarchy," said the troupe's founder Eliza Luminara. This performance is also the debut of the troupe, whose name comes from the “Dune” sciencefiction series by Frank Herbert. The Bene Gesserit is the spiritual matriarchy of wise women in the “Dune” world, and a drug known as “spice” is the currency of that world. The currency of Luminara's troupe is dance, which they use to honor the generations of women that have preceded them and the goddesses that have shaped the cultures of the world. The roots of this performance go back a year to Luminara's recovery from a car wreck. After six years as a dancer, she suffered a severe back injury and couldn't dance for months. As she recovered enough to resume dancing, she found that her motivations had changed. "Once I was well enough to start dancing again, my dance was helping to heal spiritually and physically, and at the same time my spirituality was feeding me in my dance," she said. After dancing mostly in private, she stuck a toe into the deep waters of public performance by singing at Wide Open Floor last September. Buoyed by the sup-

portive community of artists she found, she performed tribal fusion belly dance with mentor Lauryn Elise last November at "The Floor" and has been a regular ever since. Eventually, she had a long list of dances influenced by different goddesses, but not enough time to perform them all in monthly Wide Open Floor shows. Marcus Ellsworth, the emcee-impresario of the series, suggested she produce a show with herself and other dancers. "That's where it really started," she said. "As it grew, I realized I wanted to go into the roots of what belly dance is. It was originally by women and for women. It was danced in women's circles. It was danced in the temples to honor other women and mother goddesses and mother earth, to be in tune with nature and each other." Friday's show begins in India, with an opening dance honoring Ganesh, the elephant-headed god who helps with beginnings and overcoming obstacles, and Saraswati, the goddess of knowledge, music, art and culture. Members of the Gesserit Spice troupe—Luminara, Katie Jones and Meghan Von Zur Muehlen— will perform dances for the Indian goddesses Kali and Durga. With other dancers and musician Robin Burk, they will continue with dances for goddesses from cultures around the world: the Egyptian goddess we know by

14 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

The currency of Luminara's troupe is dance, which they use to honor the generations of women that have preceded them and the goddesses that have shaped the cultures of the world. the Greek name of Isis; Oshun, an African goddess of the rivers that sustain life, danced by Jessica Kitchens; the Slavic Zorya goddesses, which are similar to the Greek Fates, who choose the time to cut the thread of an individual life; the Norse goddess Freya, by Lauryn Elise; and the Celtic mother goddess Danu. The Emerald Hips student troupe of the Movement Arts Collective will celebrate the contemporary practice of goddess spirituality with a more modern piece that honors "the feminine divine within all women." In the finale, dancers will shift from facing the audience to facing each other in a circle dance so the audience can see how women's circles "uphold each other and uplift each other," said Luminara.

This spiritual approach to dance is an artistic departure for her. Once she began recovering from her injuries enough to dance again, emotion and spirituality became central to her dance. She started looking past performing for its own sake and began doing it for more spiritual reasons. "That's when the tide really turned and my dance changed," she said. "That's when I realized that I wanted to dance not just to share my movement with other people but also for them to think about the older ways, to think about their ancestors." Still, when she began dancing at Wide Open Floor, she worried about how people might react to her up-front spirituality. At that first performance last November, Marcus Ellsworth saw that she was holding back and encouraged her to "just let it loose," and she did. Is her dance art or worship? "At times that line can be very thin," she said. Despite the spiritual content and context of her dance, Luminara isn't dancing making a religious or political statement. "We're saying 'thank you' to the

women before us, our ancestors, who would do these dances," she said. "They were herbalists and midwives, and they passed these things down through generations to their daughters and granddaughters. We're telling them thank you. It's living on through us. It's not being forgotten."

“Faces of the Goddess," 8 p.m. Friday, July 26, Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave. Tickets: $10 online at gesseritspice. com/events, $15 at door.

THEATER

Janis hashe

Cotton Candy Summer Stage Fun at the CTC OK, “Legally Blonde,” I like, totally hate you because I cannot get your opening number out of my head. So, fair warning: “Ohmigod You Guys,” the ultra-high-energy kick-off song for the show now on the Chattanooga Theatre Centre’s Main Stage, may well get stuck in your head, surfacing at inappropriate moments. If the classic thumbs-up for a Broadway musical is, “I left humming the tunes,” then, like, “Legally Blonde,” you totally nailed it. Based on the 2001 Reese Witherspoon film of the same name, “Legally Blonde” follows the journey of Malibu Barbie-like Elle Woods (Brittni Rhodes) who, after freaking out when her Harvard Law School-bound boyfriend Warner (Bobby Burkich) breaks up with her because she isn’t “serious” enough, follows him to Harvard to get him back. The creators of “Legally Blonde’’ obviously realized that the way to make this storyline work as a musical was to make it—a nonstop musical. Which is exactly what they did, and what emerges is soufflé-light, laugh-out-loud summer fun. There is so much singin’, dancin’, costume and set changes and live-dog moments that the audience does not have time to catch its breath between giggles. The CTC struck gold twice this summer with its musical leads. Like Scott Shaw in the just-closed “Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson,” Brittni Rhodes has to anchor the show. I admired and called out this talented young actress’s work as Penny Pingleton in the CTC’s production of “Hairspray,” and here she demonstrates the versatility and range that will take her

far if she chooses to pursue professional theatre. The audience has to like Elle, and root for her, and Rhodes has such a natural likeability that they can’t help it. Anyone who has ever seen Azusa (She She) Dance onstage will know that she absolutely blasts off with any scene she’s in. As Paulette, the manicurist who befriends Elle, she is a show highlight, especially in her first-act song “Ireland.” As the two love interests in Elle’s life, both Burkich as the shallow (but eventually repentant) Warner and Jonathan Goff as Emmett, the teaching assistant Elle discovers true love with, are solid and effective. Shanelle Knight

is a standout in the Delta Nu/ Greek Chorus group. As for Jeff Hill, playing Elle’s dad, may we just ask: Where did all that twirl skill come from, brother? Flag twirling in dance numbers has never been so precise and enthusiastic. Actual dogs Dobby Chapman-Newland (as Bruiser the Chihuahua) and particularly Lumpy Wigglesbotham (as Rufus the bulldog) steal every scene they’re in. A special shout-out to the NGGA Humane Society and A Paw And A Prayer Rescue which, according to the show program, saved both these lovable canines and found them “forever homes.”

Lots of bows to choreographer Lindsay Fussell for the major dancing taking place almost all the time. It is not easy to choreograph for dancers with various levels of ability and Fussell does her usual outstanding job here. It’s worthwhile considering that for all its pink cottoncandy fluff, “Legally Blonde” has a message: There is a lot more to Elle than first meets the eye, but it’s up to her to realize it. Her two “transformation” numbers, which end each act, “So Much Better” and “Find My Way,” are a reinforcement to the young girls who formed much of the Broadway show’s audience that they, too, don’t have to be defined by clothes, hair and traditional roles. And in the meantime, we’ll keep, like, humming the tunes. Legally Blonde $20- $25 7 p.m. July 25, 8 p.m. July 26, 27, 2:30 p.m. July 28 Chattanooga Theatre Centre, Main Stage, 400 River St. (423) 267-8534, theatrecentre.com

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chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 15

atop Lookout Mountain

Arts & Entertainment Thu 07.25

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3D Printer Build Party 9 a.m. - 8 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310, lib.chattanooga.gov Anatomy Drawing Workshop with Roberto Osti 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423)-266-2712, townsendatelier.com “The Fair Game Project” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Bessie Smith Cultural Center, 200 E. Martin Luther King Blvd. (423) 266-8658, bessiesmithcc.org “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 8 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Iconic Chattanooga” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072, reflectionsgalleryTN.com “AVA All-Member Salon Show” 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Ooltewah Farmer’s Market 2 p.m. - 5 p.m. Ooltewah Nursery & Landscape Co. Inc., 5829 Main St. (423) 238-9775 Storytelling Circle 6 - 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310, lib.chattanooga.gov Art.a.ma.jig 6 - 8:30 p.m. Tanner Hill Gallery, 3069 S. Broad St. (423) 280-7182, tannerhillgallery.com Crafted By Southern Hands 6 - 8 p.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market St. (423) 267-1127, warehouserow.net Paw at 212 Market: Fundraiser for Wally’s Friends 6 - 8 p.m. 212 Restaurant, 212 Market St. Serve & Protect Seafood Dinner

16 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

EVENTS CALENDAR

6:30 p.m. 212 Restaurant, 212 Market St. “Mystery of the Redneck Italian Wedding” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com “Legally Blonde the Musical!” 7 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Painting Workshop: “Pink Dogwood” 7-10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com James Davis 7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com “Bus Stop” 7:30 p.m. Ringgold Playhouse, 155 Depot St., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 935-3061 Soddy Daisy Jamboree 7 - 10 p.m. Soddy Daiswy Community Center, 190 Depot St., Soddy Daisy. (423) 332-4901 Spoken-Word Open Mic 8 p.m. The Camp House, 1427 Williams St.

Fri 07.26 Anatomy Drawing Workshop with Roberto Osti 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423)-266-2712, townsendatelier.com “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Iconic Chattanooga” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072, reflectionsgalleryTN.com Artist In Action Fresh on Fridays 11 a.m. - 2 p.m. Center

Park, 850 Market St. Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com “AVA All-Member Salon Show” 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Crafted by Southern Hands Noon - 4 p.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market St. (423) 267-1127, warehouserow.net Easy Lemon Finale The Last Lem Party 5 p.m. Easy Lemon Gallery, 1440 Adams St. The Chattanoogan’s Lowcountry Boil 5 p.m. Chattanoogan Hotel, 1201 S. Broad St. (423) 266-5000, chattanooganhotel.com Southside Stroll 5 - 8 p.m. Main St. UTC Women’s Football Clinic 6 - 9 p.m. Finley Stadium, 1826 Carter St. (423) 266-4041 “Mystery of the Nightmare Office Party” 7 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St., (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com Painting Workshop: “Spring has Sprung” 7-10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Down Syndrome Awareness Night at the Lookouts 7:15 p.m. Chattanooga Lookouts, 201 Power Alley. “Bus Stop” 7:30 p.m. Ringgold Playhouse, 155 Depot St., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 935-3061 James Davis 7:30, 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com “Legally Blonde the Musical!” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Faces of the Goddess: An Evening of Ritual Belly Dance 8 p.m. Barking Legs Theater, 1307 Dodds Ave.

(423) 624-5347. barkinglegs.org Practice Party 8:30 - 10:30 p.m. Ballroom Magic Dance Center, 4200 N. Access Rd., Hixson. Live Stand-Up Comedy with Tommy Thompson 9:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St., (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com

Sat 07.27 Anatomy Drawing Workshop with Roberto Osti 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423)-266-2712, townsendatelier.com Crafted by Southern Hands 9 a.m. - 3:30 p.m. Warehouse Row, 1110 Market St. (423) 267-1127, warehouserow.net “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m - 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org AVA All-Member Salon Show 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Rock City Raptors 11 a.m. - 3 p.m. Rock City, 1400 Patten Rd., Lookout Mtn, Ga. seerockcity.com Honey Harvest Noon - 4 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum,321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org Cooking on the Rooftop Noon. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org Whitwell Summerfest 2013 1 p.m. Whitwell, 8355 Valley View Hwy., Whitwell. Artful Yoga 1:30 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Scenic City Chorus 2 -3 p.m. Mountain Arts

Arts & Entertainment Community Center, 809 Kentucky Ave., Signal Mtn. (423) 866-1959 Saturday Cinema 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Library, Eastgate Branch, 5705 Marlin Rd. Q N’ Brew at the Zoo 4:30 - 7:30 p.m. Chattanooga Zoo, 301 N. Holtzclaw Ave. (423) 697-1322, chattzoo.org “Mystery of Flight 138” 5:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com James Davis 7:30, 9:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com Scenic City Chorus 7 p.m. Mountain Arts Community Center, 809 Kentucky Ave., Signal Mtn. (423) 866-1959 Painting Workshop: “Dandelion” 7-10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com “Bus Stop” 7:30 p.m. Ringgold Playhouse, 155 Depot St., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 935-3061 “Mystery of the Facebook Fugitive” 8 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com “Legally Blonde the Musical!” 8 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Thunder Creek HarleyDavisdon 110th Kickoff Bike Night 7 p.m. Thunder Creek HarleyDavidson, 7720 Lee Hwy. Movies in the Park 9 p.m. Coolidge Park, 150 River St. (423) 693-1355 Live Stand-Up Comedy with Tommy Thompson 10:30 p.m. Vaudeville Café, 138 Market St. (423) 517-1839, funnydinner.com Cat Country presents The RedNeck Yacht Cruise 10:30 p.m. Southern Belle, 201

EVENTS CALENDAR

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Sun 07.28 Anatomy Drawing Workshop with Roberto Osti 9 a.m. - 3 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St. (423)-266-2712, townsendatelier.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org Tomato Festival at the Chattanooga Market 11 a.m. - 4 p.m. Chattanooga Market, First Tennessee Pavilion, 1829 Carter St., chattanoogamarket.com Soprano Chelsea Davidson: In Concert 3 p.m. Summit Pianos 6209 Lee Hwy. (423) 499-0600, summitpianos.com Cooking on the Rooftop Noon - 1 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org Honey Harvest Noon - 4 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” Noon - 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org “Natural Collections” 1 - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Legally Blonde the Musical!” 2:30 p.m. Chattanooga Theatre Centre, 400 River St. (423) 267-8538, theatrecentre.com Painting Workshop: “Tuscany Landscape” 7 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com James Davis

7:30 p.m. The Comedy Catch, 3224 Brainerd Rd. (423) 629-2233, thecomedycatch.com

Mon 07.29 “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St., (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, cdmfun.org “Iconic Chattanooga” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072, reflectionsgalleryTN.com Painting Workshop: “Owl Family” 5:30-7:30 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Learn to Line Dance 5:30 - 8:30 p.m. Allemande Hall, 7400 Standifer Gap Rd. (423) 899-9913 Chattanooga Area Historical Association 6 p.m. Chattanooga Public Library, 1001 Broad St. (423) 757-5310, lib.chattanooga.gov

Tue 07.30 “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St. (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com “Whitfield Lovell: Deep River” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968, huntermuseum.org Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738,

cdmfun.org “Iconic Chattanooga” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072, reflectionsgalleryTN.com "AVA All-Member Salon Show" 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave, (423) 265-4282, avarts.org Tuesday Night Trivia 7-9 p.m. Acoustic Café, 61 RBC Dr., Ringgold, Ga. (706) 965-2065 Painting Workshop: “Sunset Love” 7-10 p.m. Artsy-U, 5084 S. Terrace, East Ridge. (423) 321-2317, artsychattanooga.com Shall We Dance? 7:30 p.m. Allemande Hall, 7400 Standifer Gap Rd. (423) 899-9913

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Wed 07.31 Alla Prima Painting with James Courtenay James 9 a.m. - 12 p.m. Townsend Atelier, 201 W. Main St., Suite 107. (423) 266-2712 “Natural Collections” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. River Gallery, 400 E. 2nd St., (423) 265-5033, river-gallery.com Magic Tree House traveling exhibit 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Creative Discovery Museum, 321 Chestnut St. (423) 756-2738, “Iconic Chattanooga” 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Reflection Gallery, 6922 Lee Hwy. (423) 892-3072, reflectionsgalleryTN.com "AVA All-Member Salon Show" 11 a.m. - 5 p.m. AVA Gallery, 30 Frazier Ave. (423) 265-4282, avarts.org "Whitfield Lovell: Deep River" 10 a.m. - 5 p.m. Hunter Museum, 10 Bluff View Ave. (423) 267-0968,

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Sharknado Creates Snarknado The Twitterverse makes stupidest film ever a hit By the time this article goes to print, every joke that can be made about “Sharknado” will have already been told. Patton Oswalt was tearing it to pieces on Twitter before the show aired and by the time 9 p.m. rolled around on that Thursday, the SyFy original movie had become something of a Twitter event. Suffice to say, “Sharknado” shot to cult status almost immediately, just based on the title alone. Snark-inducing reactions to movie titles have happened before—it wasn’t too long ago that Samuel L. Jackson spent an hour and half shouting during “Snakes on a Plane,” setting the Internet a-titter with its usual acerbic wit and back-of-the-classroom heckling. But that was a major motion picture with a wide release and one legitimate star—not to mention that the acting and direction were passable and the effects weren’t overwhelmingly bad. “Sharknado” has none of these things. To be honest, I’m not sure that the filmmakers wanted them. SyFy seems to have taken over where directto-video productions left off. These movies aren’t made for quality. They are made to capitalize on absurdity. “Sharknado” was made by The Asylum. Anyone who has worked in a video store is familiar with the titles released by this company. More than once during my time at Blockbuster Video did I have to deal with complaints from customers who failed to read the cover of their selection carefully. The Asylum makes direct-to-DVD knockoff movies of popular blockbusters with slightly different titles. For instance, instead of “Transformers,” The Asylum releases “Transmorphers.” “The Day The Earth Stood Still” becomes “The Day The Earth Stopped.” “20,000 Leagues Under The Sea” becomes “30,000 Leagues Under The Sea.” They drive sales and rentals by confusion. In all honesty, it’s a brilliant business strategy. “Sharknado” is different only because it was financed by the SyFy network and it managed to get some D-list actors with former name recognition and enough desperation for a paycheck to absently blunder through the set pieces. Tara

18 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

Reid is the most obvious example—most will remember her from the “American Pie” films and from her inability to keep a dress on on the red carpet. But there are some others that also make an appearance. John Heard took some time out of his busy schedule of staring at a picture of Macaulay Culkin and listening to Harry Chapin too convincingly play a drunk. The hero of the film was none other Ian Ziering, former student at West Beverly Hills High, and the only actor in the film to at least half-heartedly commit to a role. Hopefully “Sharknado” will give him enough exposure to return to daytime television. As for the overall film, “Sharknado” gives the audience exactly what it wants in the first few minutes. There is, indeed, a

powerful waterspout sucking deadly sharks into its winds bearing down on Southern California. The CGI/stock-footage sharks take to their roles as antagonists eagerly, eating as many people as they can while flying through the air, not once showing any sort of surprise that they are suddenly swimming in the middle of the freeway or being thrown into a living room. Maybe their brief time flying over the Left Coast opened them up to new experiences. The toothy weather event is the real star of the film, and gets enough screen time to make it worthwhile. It’s entertaining enough—as long as you can fast forward through the occasional scenes of insipid dialogue. If there isn’t a shark or a chainsaw on screen, it’s prob-

This film garnered 1.7 million viewers for the SyFy Network— which would be dismal for a typical network show—but for SyFy it’s like ‘American Idol.’ ably safe to go to the bathroom. This film garnered 1.7 million viewers for the SyFy Network— which would be dismal for a typical network show—but for SyFy it’s like “American Idol.” The reaction on Twitter, especially from people like Patton Oswalt and Mia Farrow, has paid off. SyFy has already announced a sequel and is hosting a contest to name it. Damon Lindoff is even threatening to write it for them. Just like in reality television, stupidity (masquerading here as camp) sells. I just hope that SyFy gets off sharks as movie monsters. There are plenty of horror movie monsters, like the “Creature from the Black Lagoon” (!), that could use a reboot. I, for one, would rather see a guy in a rubber mask than more bad CGI.

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chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 19

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Free Will Astrology LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): “I was six years old when my parents told me that there was a small, dark jewel inside my skull, learning to be me.” So said the Leo science-fiction writer Greg Egan in his story “Learning to Be Me.” Let’s pretend that you, too, have a small dark jewel inside your skull that’s learning to be you. It’s a good metaphor for what I believe has been happening all these years: You have been gradually mastering the art of being the best Leo you can be. It hasn’t been easy. You weren’t born knowing how to be your beautiful, radiant, courageous self, but have had to work hard to activate your potentials. Now you’re moving into an especially critical phase of the process: a time when you have the chance to learn how to love yourself with greater ingenuity.

ing around filled with delusional anxieties like that, you will definitely interfere with life’s current predilection, which is to give you a cleansing respite from your fears as well as immunity from harm.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): “I have tried in my way to be free,” sings Leonard Cohen in his song “Bird on a Wire.” In other words, he has done the best he can to liberate himself from his unconscious patterns, bad habits, and self-delusions. He hasn’t been perfect in his efforts, but the work he has done has earned him a measure of deliverance from his suffering. I recommend you follow his lead, Aries. Do your best to bring more relief and release into your life. Get rid of things that hold you back. Overthrow a pinched expectation and ignore a so-called limitation or two. By this time next week, I hope you will be able to say sincerely, “I have tried in my way to be free.”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22):

“Dear Astrology Guy: Please tell me why I have to work so hard—meditate, reflect, read, analyze, poke, prod, investigate—to discover truths about myself that must be  obvious to others. Why is it so hard for me to see where I need healing and where I need to let go? Why is it such an ordeal to grasp what is interfering with my wholeness when I can quickly pinpoint what other people’s issues are? —Overworked Virgo.” Dear Overworked: I’m happy to report that you Virgos will soon be offered a gush of revelations about who you are, how you can heal, and what strategies will best serve your quest to minimize your anxiety. Are you prepared to absorb some intense teachings? For best results, make yourself extra receptive.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm,” wrote the novelist Willa Cather. According to my reading of the astrological omens, Taurus, you’re in a phase of your cycle when storm-learning isn’t your priority. The educational experiences you need most will unfold when you’re exploring the mysteries of peace and serenity. In fact, I suspect that the deeper you relax, the more likely it is that you will attract life-changing teachings—lessons that can transform your life for the better and fuel you for a long time. GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Is there a

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): One of the world’s best racecar teams is McLaren. It wins about 25 percent of the events in which it competes. Its skilled drivers account for much of its success, but its technicians are also pretty sensational. During a pitstop in the middle of a race, they can change all four tires on the car in less than three seconds. Do you have helpers like that, Libra? If you don’t, it’s time to intensify your efforts to get them. And if you do, it’s time to call on them to give you an extra boost.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Let’s try

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an experiment. It’s risky, but I’m hoping you will do it with such flair that there will be no karmic blowback. What I propose, Scorpio, is that you have fun expressing more confidence than usual. I invite you to strut a bit, even swagger, as you demonstrate your command over your circumstances. Enjoy acting as if the world is your plaything . . . as if everyone around you secretly needs you to rise up and be a bigger, bolder version of yourself. The trick, of course, will be to avoid getting puffed up with grandiose delusions. Your challenge is to be more wildly devoted to embodying your soul’s code without lapsing into arrogance.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): I suspect that you are longing to take a quantum leap of faith, but are also afraid

20 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

to take that quantum leap of faith. You sense the potential of experiencing a very cool expansion, while at the same time you hesitate to leave your comfort zone and give up your familiar pain. In light of the conflict, which may not be entirely conscious, I suggest you hold off on making a gigantic quantum leap of faith. Instead, experiment with a few bunny hops of faith. Build up your courage with some playful skips and skitters and bounces that incrementally extend your possibilities.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Hoaxes exposed! Bluffs called! Secrets revealed! Whitewashes uncovered! Curses banished! Taboos broken! Those are the headlines I expect to see emblazoned in your Book of Life during the coming weeks. Can you handle that many holy disruptions? Will you be able to deal with the stress that might come from having so much raucous success? These are important questions, because if you’re not up to the challenge, you may scare away the transformations. So steel your resolve, Capricorn. Mobilize your will. Do what’s necessary to harvest the unruly blessings.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The French novelist Flaubert declared that if you hope to write a book, you should first read 1,500 books. A Roman author named Petronius believed that the imagination does not work at its peak power unless it is inundated with reading material. I suggest you adopt their advice and apply it to your own field, Aquarius. Whatever skill or subject you want to master, expose yourself lavishly to the efforts of other people who have already mastered it. Flood yourself with well-crafted inspiration.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Should you be worried that a venomous spider has crawled into your shoe while you were sleeping? Just in case, should you flip your shoe upside-down before putting it on each morning? My studied opinion: hell, no. The chances of you being bitten on the foot by a venomous spider lurking in your shoe are even less than the possibility that you will be abducted by an alien who looks like Elvis Presley and forced to sing a karaoke version of Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” at an extraterrestrial bar. And if you are go-

message you’ve wanted to deliver for a long time but haven’t been able to? Are you bursting with thoughts or feelings that you’ve been longing to express but can’t find the right way to do so? Have you spent months carrying around a poignant truth that you have felt wasn’t ripe enough to be revealed? If your answer to any of those questions is yes, I believe the time will soon be at hand to make a move. But it’s important that you’re not impulsive or melodramatic as you initiate your breakthrough communications. For best results, be full of grace and balance.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): Bees and other insects can see ultraviolet light, which is invisible to humans. When they look at flowers, they detect designs on the petals that you and I cannot. For example, the evening primrose appears completely yellow to us, but it calls seductively to bees with a flashy star pattern at its center. Many of the secret signs that flowers offer the pollinators are meant to guide them to where the pollen and nectar are. Let’s use this as our metaphor of the week, Cancerian. I am not predicting that you will be able to perceive a broader spectrum of light. But I do believe you will discern cues and clues that are hidden from most people and that have been imperceptible to you in the past.

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MORE MONEY FOR YOUR GOLD “Sounds Terrible” --music you don’t want to hear. Across 1 “Rubaiyat” poet Khayyam 5 Unbuttered, like toast 8 Foil the plans of 14 Vincent of “Law & Order: Criminal Intent” 16 Medicine man 17 Extremely drab orchestra tunes? 18 Pulling an all-nighter 19 Not a silk purse source, in an old phrase 21 Clique member, often 22 Fall back, as the tide 25 Rap so ancient that fungus is growing on it? 27 Opulent residence 30 Greek letter 31 The Atlanta Braves’ div. 32 Destroy 33 Went ___ for the ride 35 Loud music that’s too deep to think about? 39 Succulent plants 40 “Arrested Development” surname 43 Big bygone bird

46 1998 Hyundai acquisition 47 Pic taken at arm’s length 48 Anti-label music that’s totally bogus? 52 S.E. Hinton classic 53 ___-do-well (scoundrel) 54 Border on the court 57 Let everyone else have a turn 59 Moronic offshoot of reggae? 63 Pink character on “The Backyardigans” 64 Sensitive to other’s feelings 65 Visualizing 66 Fast-spinning stat 67 Body shop removal Down 1 Deceased Wu-Tang member, briefly 2 Word from Miss Piggy 3 “Brokeback Mountain” director Lee 4 Burgles

5 Art correspondence class come-on 6 Laundry detergent brand of yore 7 Alpine melody 8 Lovey’s hubby on “Gilligan’s Island” 9 “Cool,” once 10 “America’s Most Wanted” host John 11 Support group with 12 steps 12 Prepare for a factory upgrade 13 Amplifier setting 15 Progressive character? 20 “Someone Like You” singer 22 Pre-album albums, briefly 23 “Jackass” crew member Margera 24 Nothing to brag about 26 Is impossible 28 In a muddle 29 Sarah of “Roseanne” and “Scrubs” 33 Clock settings

34 Nerve 36 Easy-to-recognize word in speech recognition programs 37 Ache (for) 38 Air, to Germans 41 Pain in the neck? 42 Place a curse on 43 Jazz bassist Charlie 44 Early even score 45 Penguin from Antarctica 47 Cuts corners 49 From Baghdad, say 50 Comparatively peculiar 51 Dirt cluster 55 The Pistons, the Pacers, etc. 56 Founded, on town signs 58 It’s “a mass of incandescent gas,” in a TMBG song 60 Word ignored when alphabetizing 61 “Ich bin ___ Berliner” 62 %, for short

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Copyright © 2013 Jonesin’ Crosswords. For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+ to call. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle No. 0633 chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 21

On the Beat

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D.U.I.: The Great Equalizer D

.U.I. Three simple letters, but such a fascinating topic. Merely a misdemeanor, yet such a deep wound it leaves, both on the offender and the victim when involved. From vagrants to politicians, payday loan managers to doctors, firemen to cops… it’s the great equalizer.

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And like a legal shark, it has so many rows of teeth when you’re caught in its gullet…with another row having been added just this week. Would you believe in America that a cop can force blood from your arm? I don’t mean by giving you a stern look and asking very loudly, either. No, by “force,” I mean a group of people taking you to a hospital’s mandated padded psychiatric evaluation room, holding each limb down if necessary, and sticking a needle in your vein while you froth from the lips with drug- or alcohol-induced rage. Crazy, yeah? No refusal, no lawyer present, just a very annoyed nurse and a bunch of excited E.R. orderlies if it’s been a slow day. (Lawyers and court come later.) Back in the day, it could only be done if you were suspected of being boogered up and there was an injury or death as a result of your wreck. Now though, if you’ve had a prior D.U.I. or vehicular assault (or homicide), ever (not just 10 years back anymore) or there is a passenger under the age of 16—as they used to say, “From your arm or from your lip, we’ll be having your blood.” (Oh, and it’s still not your choice, blood or breath. Wives’ tale.) And despite its misdemeanant status, once you hit Lucky Conviction #4 you graduate to the Felony Big Leagues like murderers and old bid-rigging Chattanooga city contractors. By now, several of you reading this are getting warm about the face and gripping the paper (or laser mouse) tightly in a

22 • The Pulse • july 25-31, 2013 • chattanoogapulse.com

“ mix of anger (which is actually shame) and introspection, having been down the D.U.I. road before. Relax. It’s in your past and will generally remain there, but it’s a tough row to hoe, and not by accident. Orphaned kids and grieving parents have a chilling effect on legislators, but many of us have been guilty of it, and quite simply not everyone gets caught. With that bit out of the way, you always hear your buddy (let’s call him “Hank” for no reason at all) complain about how, “It was such bullshit.” How he was a victim of a quota or a chip on the cop’s shoulder or how he was prescribed those medications so it couldn’t be illegal to drive. There was ice on the road, he didn’t wreck because he was drunk, but, but, but…“Feh.” I started my career working Brainerd. Everyone partied there, and they all drove drunk, and it didn’t take a lot of training to make a case. But a good cop had his or her ducks in a row or you wasted a lot of time. This demographic was going to have lawyers and preachers show up. Did you know that it’s still illegal to drive without your headlights on even when there are streetlights sufficiently

What you don’t know is that about eight in 10 drivers pulling out of a bar at night without headlights on are drunk, and that’s a good reason to follow them. lighting the place? (I know you know, but the customers always argue it.) What you don’t know is that about eight in 10 drivers pulling out of a bar at night without headlights on are drunk, and that’s a good reason to follow them. Swerving (or as it’s known in the business, “crossing left of center”), headlights on or out, those are signs, but I prefer “speeding” or failure to use a turn signal or a bad tag or tail light to establish the reason for pulling one over. Then I just talk to you.

I’m not going into detail about the tests we administer because while I’m a terrible human being, I’m not giving advice on how to beat them accidentally or otherwise. Practice made me good enough that I could call your blood alcohol level (or B.A.C.) within about two-tenths of a point like Babe Ruth would call his home runs, and as I got better I didn’t care if you refused it (as you’re advised), because besides the automatic suspended license, I could articulate your conviction to a judge or jury without blood or breath. Eventually I went from counting centerline dips on midnight shift to becoming a dayshift patrolman where I let the skill atrophy due to infrequency. But I’d still get reminded now and then by someone who was N.D.D.Y. (not done drinking yet) who would pass my marked patrol car at 10 a.m. with a flat tire and the rim kicking up a rooster tail of sparks as they ran a red light in the center lane…and off I’d go. The great equalizer. The bringer of death in some cases, but humility to all, is just a few beers or whiskeys away, so be mindful of the beast. And know that if I’m making you recite the “Two All-Beef Patties” song while leaning backwards, you’re probably about to go free and I’m just screwing with you. But if you’ve made a parent grieve, there’s a padded room and an annoyed nurse with a clipboard that literally has your name written on it waiting for you. Behave. And be safe.

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chattanoogapulse.com • july 25-31, 2013 • The Pulse • 23

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The Pulse 10.30 » July 25, 2013