OPINION/BILL COPE
THE FLUTTER: ISSUE FIVE Another SFMPB Newsletter
LISTEN LOCALLY. THINK GLOBALLY. 6 | JANUARY 6–12, 2010 | BOISEweekly
What?! you gasp. Cope has the gall to hand us back-to-back Flutters!? Yeah! That’s right! That’s what I’m doing! And excuse me all to hell if you think two Society For Making People Better newsletters in two weeks is too much. But for those of us who remain eternally committed to SFMPB principles, there is no such thing as over-doing our dedication to making this species something to be proud of. And I can’t think of a better way to end one year and start the next than with a double dose of that dedication. Besides, after our SFMPB comptroller— which is me—did a quick audit of the books to see where all the SFMPB money went during 2009, I discovered that our SFMPB communications officer—which is me, also— managed to get out only two newsletters during the whole of last year. As SFMPB grand marshal, I was stunned. Shocked, I should say. Flabbergasted that our communications officer could have been so negligent. “What happened to all of those suggestions I passed on to you?” I demand. “There were at least enough ideas for a new newsletter every month.” “Beats me,” I shrug. “I guess we put ’em in our regular column. If y’d a wanted ’em used for The Flutter, ya’ should o’ said something.” I tell you, sometimes I don’t know why I put up with myself. U Moving on. There is yet another reason I’ve decided this subsequent newsletter is in order. In last week’s Flutter, I had every intention of telling you the latest developments in SFMPB affairs, but I got so caught up in the matter of Charles Darwin that I used up all the available space. I don’t regret it. Gracious, a man’s 200th birthday comes around only once every … er, once … and I am more than happy to set aside our organization’s interests for however long it takes to properly honor such an eminent fellow. But the SFMPB never stands still. Though it may occasionally appear that the lights are off at SFMPB Headquarters and the phones have been disconnected and the whole outfit looks like it’s been foreclosed on, rest assured, I have not been idle. Over the course of the last year or so, I have been hard at it—“it” being the formulation of a new rule—and shortly, you will know the results. (It will be No. 11 in the Revised SFMPB Rule Book, as soon as I get around to revising the Unrevised SFMPB Rule Book, and I warn you, she’s a doozy.) As longtime members know, I have always maintained that the rules of the Society For Making People Better should be of an organic nature, growing without artificiality or contrivance from the rich soil of our experience, the cooling water of our logic, and the nurturing sunlight of our hopes and dreams. And it is precisely in this manner that our newest rule has evolved. Our experience tells us that for
every impulse, there is a counter-impulse; for every thought, an opposite thoughtlessness; that happiness will always be matched in the final tally by an equal measure of misery; that for every dream achieved, another is lost; that one man’s most noble hope is another’s most ignoble fear. Light, dark; yin, yang; for every action, a reaction—that is a science even the most crazed fundamentalist hillbilly teabagging troglodytical swamp-dwelling mugwump can not sneeze at—ergo, our logic leads us to the inescapable conclusion: As we have undeniable proof there is such a thing as the Society For Making People Better (or why would I be, as we speak, putting together a SFMPB newsletter), there absolutely has to be a Society For Making People Worse. U There’s no way around it. It is basic physics. And it explains a great deal, does it not? There are so many industries and sectors and cultural phenomenon-hawkers that rely on people behaving selfishly, violently, ignorantly, childishly, oafishly and/or stupidly that it’s only reasonable to assume there exists an organized effort to promote such behavior. And what, pray tell, was the year 2009 if not irrefutable evidence that there are people committed to moving Humanity forward, and there are people equally committed to making certain that Humanity moves, if at all, backwards. Now before some of my liberal friends rush to the easy conclusion that this SFMPW I speak of must have disguised itself as one or more of many obvious suspects—e.g., the modern Republican Party or the Fox News organization—think again. Have you seen anything evident in the modern Republican Party or the Fox News organization that would indicate the level of intelligence it would take to conceive of and implement such an insidious and broad conspiracy? No, the Republicans, the Foxies, the teabaggers, Joe Lieberman ... they are mere functionaries in the SFMPW grand scheme, just as we in the SFMPB use teachers, doctors, artists, kind people, thoughtful people and educated people to further our agenda. I suspect we may never discover the ultimate power behind the SFMPW and, indeed, there may not be one. It only makes sense to me—in the purest Newtonian sense—that if our dear SFMPB is held together by our common vision of life and love and fulfillment, then the SFMPW must be driven by a mindless instinct for emptiness, chaos and death. In closing, I present you with Rule 11—and we can only pray that it is not too late for President Barack Obama to take heed: Never try to embrace a member of the Society For Making People Worse. As when matter collides with anti-matter, it is inevitable you will both explode. WWW. B O I S E WE E KLY. C O M