b y elaine m . decker
senior issues
Talking to someone with cancer Excerpts from Section II of “CANCER: A Coping Guide.” I am a cancer survivor. To the naked eye, I probably look a lot like you. Or your sister. Or your mother. But unless they are cancer survivors, too, we are not the same. From a survivor’s perspective, the world is divided into two groups: those who have personally battled the disease and those who have not. Survivors belong to a brotherhood they did not ask to join. My circle has included too many women with breast cancer, as well as men and women with skin cancer, prostate and uterine cancer, bladder and pancreatic cancer, colon cancer, brain tumors and lymphoma. Our backgrounds are as diverse as our types of cancer and our reactions to the disease are as varied as our treatments. Over the years I’ve found a common thread within their stories: many of the people in their lives had no idea how to interact with them. Eventually almost everyone will face the question: What do you say to a friend, relative or co-worker who has cancer? Equally importantly, what don’t you say to them? People who have cancer have almost as many different ways to deal with their disease as there are types of cancer. One friend may openly share all the details of her treatment. Another might get offended if you ask any questions. To further complicate your interaction, they often react differently from one day to the next. Despite these differences, you can learn to be a supportive friend or loved one. Be prepared for a relationship that will be filled with contradictions, because that’s what their life will have become. Some days even they won’t be sure what mood they’re in. First and foremost, take your signals from the patient. If he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it, don’t probe. Be prepared to talk about other things, things you would have discussed before you knew he had the disease. What exactly should you say and what not? While there are no guaranteed rules, there are helpful guidelines. Many are just common sense, but it’s amazing how often people fail to use it. One of my friends had a rare and deadly type of cancer. Her oncologist warned her that the experimental drugs she was taking were exceptionally potent and she’d be ultra-emotional during treatment. This is how he described it to her. “You’ll feel as though your fingers and toes are 10 feet long.” What an apt metaphor! People can give someone undergoing treatment a wide berth and they can still step on toes and hurt feelings. Be assured that it’s probably not you. It’s the damn disease and the wretched treatment. Keep in mind that often the best way to talk to someone with cancer is to NOT talk, but to simply listen. Really listen. To help you interact with friends and loved ones who have cancer, “CANCER: A Coping Guide” suggests 10 things to avoid saying and 10 more to say freely. Here are just a few.
Things Not to Say to Someone with Cancer • They can do so much for cancer these days. This is one of the most common things a person with cancer hears. It can be appropriate if it’s reinforcing what your friend has expressed to you. It should not be the first thing you say when you hear about the cancer. Yes, it’s true that the medical profession has many weapons in the modern arsenal against this disease. But it’s still hell to have it; and no matter how many good checkups he has, he’ll never be sure it’s gone. • Everything’s going to be OK. Everything is not going to be “OK.” For the rest of her life, she will live with the threat and very real fear of a recurrence. A perky, Pollyanna attitude can make it appear that you don’t appreciate the seriousness of the problem. It’s great to encourage a positive mindset, but do that by saying “You’re going to get through this. I’ll help you.” • I would have called you sooner, but I didn’t know what to say. This is the lamest excuse, but sadly, one of the most common. It makes the cancer patient feel you didn’t care enough to try to come up with something to talk about. It can make her feel guilty for burdening you with figuring out what to say. Someone who really cares can always think of something to say. If you honestly can’t, relax. And read on.
Things You Should Say to Someone with Cancer • I just called to see how you’re doing today. This is just as simple and direct as it sounds. If things are going well, show that you’re happy for your loved one. If they are not going well, listen with patience and understanding. After an appropriate interval, look for ways to brighten the conversation or redirect it. • I hope you feel as good as you look today. This is one of the best things you can say to a cancer patient if it is even reasonably appropriate. It can make your friend feel better to know he doesn’t look as though he’s at death’s door. (Contrast this with one of the things you should not say: You look so healthy! I can’t believe you have cancer.) • I love you. Or, if you don’t sincerely feel that strongly, I care about you. The most important thing you can communicate to someone with cancer is that you sincerely care about him and his problems. Say it directly. Say it with feeling. And say it often. Copyright 2012 Business Theatre Unlimited. “CANCER: A Coping Guide, for Those with the Big C and Those Who Love Them,” by Elaine M. Decker, is available on Amazon.com.
Elaine Decker, a 22-year breast cancer survivor, is pictured with her husband, Jagdish Sachdev, at their wedding reception in 1990, shortly after she completed her treatment.
October 2012
PrimeTime | 13