election guide for collegiate
^dummies BY: MATT PALAZZOLO, HEIGHTS SENIOR STAFF
YES, SEE 1
NO
YES, SEE 4
Are you primarily concerned with choosing a major that will allow you to find a job after college?
NO
Congratulations, you are a rational personcontinue to the next question.
Are your parents paying your tuition?
YES
Would you consider yourself liberal on ANY social issues, such as same-sex marriage or abortion?
NO
NO
YES, SEE 3 Shame on you for ruining their investment! Get a job so you don’t have to live in their basement until you’re 30. See 1.
Do you consider yourself conservative on any social issues?
Do you find it difficult to remain in a committed relationship and prefer casual hookups?
YES, SEE 9
YES, SEE 4 & 10
NO
FIND YOUR SCHOOL AND MAJOR BELOW.
Would you consider yourself a hipster who avoids mainstream beliefs?
YES, SEE 2
NO
NO
CSOM
CSON
what is your major?
Do you consider the teaching profession a selfless public service?
Are you primarily concerned with finding a job and making a sizeable income after college?
Are you considering becoming an OBGYN?
YES, SEE 3 NO
YES, SEE 1 NO
YES, SEE 5 NO
Do you honestly enjoy taking comm classes, or is it merely the quickest route to a high GPA?
Based on your knowledge from your courses, do you believe Obamacare should be implemented?
NO
INTERNATIONAL STUDIES
graduate career will be affected by this bill. Go look up Obamacare on Wikipedia and come back when you have an opinion.
Flip a coin between Obama and Romney. Clearly you have better things to do than pay attention to classes or politics.
LANGUAGE
ENVIRONMENTAL STUDIES
Could you see yourself quoting wise sayings in a foreign language to prove a point?
Do you believe global warming is a crucial issue and should be countered by restricting greenhouse gas emissions?
NO
NO
YES, SEE 3
Do you believe English should be our nation’s official language and bilingual signage is unnecessary?
Anyone else.
You want to become a professor and make bank, don’t you? See 1.
Could you see yourself working for an NGO or government position in a foreign nation?
YES, NO, UNSURE YES, NO SEE 3 SEE 1 SEE 7 Seriously? Your entire post-
Aaron Sorkin may have a job opening for you on the West Wing. See 3.
YES, SEE 6
PREREQUISITES
LYNCH
PRE-MED
YES, SEE 7
Do you believe the national government has been infiltrated by Islamic extremists?
arts & sciences COMMUNICATION YES
START HERE
I have trouble pronouncing the names of foreign nations. SEE 8.
America should not insert itself into foreign nations’ problems. See 5.
ENGLISH So you enjoy free-flowing conversations about thematic elements in literary masterpieces. Here’s the ideal candidate for you.
PHILOSOPHY Do you believe that individuals should possess complete freedom unless their actions harm others?
YES
NO
Congrats! You support the legalization of marijuana. See 5.
Is healthcare a fundamental right or a personal choice?
RIGHT, SEE 3.
CHOICE, SEE 1.
Don’t lie, you sold your soul years ago. Answer this question truthfully this time.
WOMEN’S AND GENDER STUDIES Do you find yourself using terms like “patriarchy” or “gender roles” in everyday conversation?
Thomas Jefferson. Oh wait, our premier intellectual president died almost 200 years ago. Guess you’re stuck voting for a lawyer or a businessman.
YES, SEE 3
NO, SEE 10
Women’s rights are a crucial issue.
Sexism is dead.
MATHEMATICS
POLITICAL SCIENCE Good luck passing your major classes if you need a Heights flowchart to determine who to vote for.
Refer to Pre-Med under A&S.
An academic field that emphasizes meticulous calculations and provides concrete solutions unaffected by personal emotion or bias.
NO
Languages like Spanish are part of our country’s melting pot heritage. See 3.
4
MICHELE BACHMANN
5
ron paul
SEE 1
6
RICK PERRY
jon huntsman 9
Unfortunately, all of these candidates lost in the GOP primaries, so you’re stuck voting for ROMNEY.
MITT ROMNEY
newt gingrich 2
1
GARY JOHNSON
8
7
herman cain 10
rick santorum 3
BARACK OBAMA