sheblogs
About Sex:
Cause It’s Funny By ELEXIS HAYS
Andapossuminthedishwasher.com
I
f there is anything in my mind that points toward the Theory of Evolution, it would be sex. I have a hard time imagining God with his clipboard, saying “Walking apparatus, check. Nutrition system, check. Beelzebub, do you have the reproduction system ready to go online?” And, from the bowels of the earth, comes an evil laugh. Can you imagine the conversation between Adam and Eve? You want me to do WHAT? Did they even have tennis bracelets back then? Sex is funny. From the time The Goose and I got together, we would covertly point to old couples and whisper, “they do it.” Our worst insults have begun “yo mama…” and we don’t even have to finish with what. Nothing says gross like parents doing, uh, that. One would think this would have dissipated over the years, but we still glance at other couples and raise our eyebrows to each other. The picture in our minds is just too funny to ignore. I mean, really, Barbara Bush? My fourth-grade math teacher? Mr. Rogers??? Sex becomes unfunny, however, when
one has kids. The first time I realized this is when it came time to name their private parts. Those of you who feel kids must learn anatomically correct names can stop reading here, because I feel it’s perfectly acceptable to use those time-honored, more mannerly names, “whooha” and “willie.” I feel confident that if they are in some sort of accident involving these parts, they will be able to adequately convey to the emergency room doctor what their problem might be. Left up to me, my kids would still believe that a public toilet seat, a house with no parent home, hot tubs and sharing swimsuits can all cause spontaneous pregnancy. I felt this covered two great issues, early pregnancy and germs, but The Goose took it upon himself to educate them at a very young age. Driving them home from a baseball game, when the kids were around 9 and 7, he apparently blurted out a convoluted version of where babies come from that included Tim McGraw, our neighbors and Subway sandwiches. During this talk, when my poor daughter asked why anyone would do this, instead of answering that it’s a sacrifice we made so we could have our wonderful
special children, he answered, “Because it’s fun.” One never wants to think that their child might someday, well, you know. It has helped though, as they’ve grown, that they are as disgusted with us as we might be about them. I feel this might be the greatest deterrent ever. Because they are nearly grown, The Goose and I can spend a lot of time away together and the tables have turned. When they start to get uppity, we play it to the hilt and mime deep and amorous kisses at every chance, allude to romantic dates and try to throw the word “snuggle” into our conversations within their earshot. This bothers them greatly. It worries and disturbs them. My son shakes his head and whispers “no…no” and our
daughter coughs and gags. They say we burn their eyes. This weekend, Cricket was spending the weekend downtown with friends, and I texted her and asked her when she was coming home. When she had the audacity to ask why, I responded, “Because it takes a lot of time to roll up the trapeze and put away all these handcuffs properly.” I got the response, “I just threw up.” In this way, I know my ploy is working and I am still doing my job as a responsible parent. ■
Elexis Hays is a licensed wildlife rehabilitator who lives on a farm in Cumming with her family. Her blog: andapossuminthedishwasher.com.
MODEL & TALENT EVENT
OPEN AUDITIONS SATURDAY MARCH 8TH • SATURDAY MARCH 15TH 10:00am - 3:00pm Courtyard Atlanta Hotel • Mall of Georgia 1405 Mall of Georgia Blvd., Buford, GA 30510
Carter Photography
Monument Entertainment, based in Atlanta Georgia, specializes in promoting talent and bringing talent to a new level. Monument Entertainment is holding open auditions at no cost in the fields of music, dance, modeling (both fashion and print), and acting for ages 4 to 29. At the completion of the audition sessions, participants with will be selected by special invitation to attend the 2014 Dreamz Showcase in Daphne Alabama. The showcase will feature top talent scouts from across the United States. Monumententertainmentllc.com for more information or email info@monumententertainmentllc.com
Webb Photography
Mae-Ann Webb is a Monument Entertainment Model and since the age of 14 has been involved in pageantry. Mae-Ann has been featured on the TLC show “King of the Crown” on the episode The Southern Belle vs. the Bombshell. She has done extra work in the upcoming television shows, a pilot episode for “Shelter” and the Marvel Production movie, “Iron Man 3”. Along with various local titles, Mae-Ann was crowned Miss Teen South Carolina United States in 2010, Miss Columbia USA in 2011, Miss Galaxy International in 2013, and currently holds the prestigious title of Miss South Carolina United States 2014. february2014 | northsidewoman.com | 29