columns
7
42 PAGE
steps to pissing off a hospo
paige kerin will not give you a drink on the house art by katie hamilton
Ah, Spring. That beautiful time of the year where the days are get longer and hotter, assignments get harder and Christmas gets scarily closer. As a student, uni may soon end, but as a bartender, my work life is about to become a hell of a lot more painful. We hospos (hospitality workers) know only too well that the better the weather is, the worse the customers behave. The following instances of douchebaggery WILL piss off all hospitality workers ever. Do us a favour and not commit these crimes. 1. We’re not stupid. Remarkably, we can remember more than one drink or meal order at a time. Nothing annoys us more than your ‘are you sure you can remember all of this’ tone of absolute condescension. Don’t assume because I work in a bar my IQ is lower than yours- I might even be getting paid more than you are! 2. Don’t ask for a) the cheapest thing, b) a surprise, c) my favourite drink or d) something ‘fun’. Dude, alcohol is always fun. I know you think it’s really cute when you act all carefree like you don’t care what you get, but it’s super annoying and I will judge you. We don’t have some secret recipe for a revolutionary drink that will become the absolute pinnacle of your drinking career. I love the customers who know exactly what they want, and when I see you at the bar, I’ll prioritise you because you’re quick and easy (wink). 3. Bars inadvertently get busier over summer, and the best bars are the busiest. Y’all know this, so please don’t expect everything to happen at the speed of light. We watch what order you came to the bar. Waving money or credit cards at my face (why don’t you just set off a flare instead?), yelling my name as if you know me, or giving me your order while I am clearly still serving someone else are sure-fire ways to give yourself major douchebag status, as well as receive an additional wait while I serve the kinder, more patient patrons and laugh evilly in my head. 4. Please refrain from asking me to take photos of you and your friends with your line of shots or vodka raspberries. I remember when I had my first beer, but seriously, if you need the
world to know you’ve done Fresh Pussy shots and it was totally awesome, you need to re-assess your priorities. 5. Don’t expect premium service just because you’re somewhat of a regular. Oh you come here all the time? Oh you spend ‘a lot of money’ here? Well then, please let me lay rose petals at your feet and fan you with a palm leaf because all I seek is to serve your every whim. If you think you’re more important to me than everyone else around you, you need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. We all peoples. 6. Remember that we don’t make the prices. ‘THAT’S your CHEAPEST bottle of wine?!?’, ‘You charge THAT MUCH for soft drink?!?’, and ‘That’s a RIDICULOUS price for a cocktail’, are all things you say that I will politely smile and say a simple ‘yes’ to in response. Meanwhile, I am thinking about what a cheap bastard you are, and that if you don’t want to pay the prices of a nice place you should kindly run off to some dingy hole of a bar where you will not receive nearly as good service, nor enjoy your drinks in such nice surroundings. Amazingly, I don’t make the prices. 7. I know I’ve already told you not to be rude, but it’s also really weird when people practice their pickup lines on me. I’m not a practice run for the real person you’re actually going to hit on. Also, it’s not okay for you to purposely touch my leg/arm/back/ass, ever. Not okay. And finally, just a few FAQs that I wish would become NAQs (Never Asked Questions. See what I did there?) - Can I charge my phone behind the bar? - I just spilled my drink, can I get it replaced? - Can I get a drink on the house? - What drinks do you serve here? - Can you play [insert really shitty Top 40 song]? - Are you single? - Come on, just one more round? To all my fellow hospos out there approaching the Holiday season, Godspeed. To all of my future customers, I’ll see you on the other side!
Paige Kerin will not give you a drink on the house. Unless you’re hot, and male, in which case she’ll reconsider.